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Guitarmom

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Should I leave my church? My sister and I aren't on good terms. She is miss popular there and I feel like I have to put on a mask otherwise I'm talking badly about her. What is the right thing to do? The relationship cannot be mended. Even if we attempted to mend it, it wouldn't be mended. She has always wanted to keep a distance from me. I have kids. It's an awful situation.
 

faroukfarouk

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Should I leave my church? My sister and I aren't on good terms. She is miss popular there and I feel like I have to put on a mask otherwise I'm talking badly about her. What is the right thing to do? The relationship cannot be mended. Even if we attempted to mend it, it wouldn't be mended. She has always wanted to keep a distance from me. I have kids. It's an awful situation.
Hi; I don't have any insights on your relationship with your sister, but if you look at the matter of local church fellowship from a Godward perspective for those who love and trust the Lord Jesus, Acts 2.41-42 is a very good guide.

I hope this helps.
 
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Jane_Doe

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Should I leave my church? My sister and I aren't on good terms. She is miss popular there and I feel like I have to put on a mask otherwise I'm talking badly about her. What is the right thing to do? The relationship cannot be mended. Even if we attempted to mend it, it wouldn't be mended. She has always wanted to keep a distance from me. I have kids. It's an awful situation.
I there a reason you can't just not ignore her and live your life independently of her?
 
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Guitarmom

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I there a reason you can't just not ignore her and live your life independently of her?
I'm struggling to do so.... guess I feel a little bit like I'm being dishonest. She has said some hurtful things. Difficult to ignore always bothering me I guess :/
 
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Guitarmom

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Hi; I don't have any insights on your relationship with your sister, but if you look at the matter of local church fellowship from a Godward perspective for those who love and trust the Lord Jesus, Acts 2.41-42 is a very good guide.

I hope this helps.
Thank you! Acts 2:41-42?
 
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Ada Lovelace

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I realize this is much simpler said than done, but try to put your focus exclusively on the people you're fellowshipping with at church so that the friction with your sister will be less dominant in your mind. If you're perpetually worried about her, you're not going to be able to give of yourself to others you're engaging with, absorbing everything they're telling you, or derive the benefit of talking with them. If she's brought up in a conversation, say as few words as possible about her, and salt them with grace. Then change the subject. During the service itself, devote your attention to it.

I'd keep any interactions with her while at church very minimum, and very light. Be as kind, polite, and brief as possible.

It's unfortunate there's tension between you and your sister. I like to think of my mind sort of being like property I own; I get to decide how much space someone occupies inside of it. If someone is consuming your thoughts, it's sort of like letting a tenant who doesn't pay rent and trashes the space remain there. It takes a lot of mental discipline, but you can train yourself to pull your thoughts off of her and put them somewhere else. When you're at church the best place to put them is on God and on the people there to worship. Perhaps memorizing a few scriptures that are important to you, and repeating them to yourself in your mind several times when you find your thoughts diverted to your sister would be helpful.
 
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faroukfarouk

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I'm struggling to do so.... guess I feel a little bit like I'm being dishonest. She has said some hurtful things. Difficult to ignore always bothering me I guess :/
Leaving aside the local church aspect, a question to ask might be, Would your sister contact you if she were in trouble of some kind?
 
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faroukfarouk

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Thank you! Acts 2:41-42?
This is the whole reason to be at a local church:

"Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls.

And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers." (Acts 2.41-42)
 
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faroukfarouk

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I realize this is much simpler said than done, but try to put your focus exclusively on the people you're fellowshipping with at church so that the friction with your sister will be less dominant in your mind. If you're perpetually worried about her, you're not going to be able to give of yourself to others you're engaging with, absorbing everything they're telling you, or derive the benefit of talking with them. If she's brought up in a conversation, say as few words as possible about her, and salt them with grace. Then change the subject. During the service itself, devote your attention to it.

I'd keep any interactions with her while at church very minimum, and very light. Be as kind, polite, and brief as possible.

It's unfortunate there's tension between you and your sister. I like to think of my mind sort of being like property I own; I get to decide how much space someone occupies inside of it. If someone is consuming your thoughts, it's sort of like letting a tenant who doesn't pay rent and trashes the space remain there. It takes a lot of mental discipline, but you can train yourself to pull your thoughts off of her and put them somewhere else. When you're at church the best place to put them is on God and on the people there to worship. Perhaps memorizing a few scriptures that are important to you, and repeating them to yourself in your mind several times when you find your thoughts diverted to your sister would be helpful.
Stanfordella: Your point about memorizing Scriptures is excellent. :)
 
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mukk_in

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Should I leave my church? My sister and I aren't on good terms. She is miss popular there and I feel like I have to put on a mask otherwise I'm talking badly about her. What is the right thing to do? The relationship cannot be mended. Even if we attempted to mend it, it wouldn't be mended. She has always wanted to keep a distance from me. I have kids. It's an awful situation.
There's no substitute for forgiveness sis. You may feel the same way about your sister even after leaving the Church. Have you tried approaching your Pastor with these issues?

It can so happen sometimes in Christendom that there would be irreconcilable differences even among believers. Paul and Barnabas had a falling out over John Mark (Acts 15:36-41) and went their separate ways. I'm not sure if that applies to your situation.

Please keep us posted. Peace in Christ :)
 
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Guitarmom

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I realize this is much simpler said than done, but try to put your focus exclusively on the people you're fellowshipping with at church so that the friction with your sister will be less dominant in your mind. If you're perpetually worried about her, you're not going to be able to give of yourself to others you're engaging with, absorbing everything they're telling you, or derive the benefit of talking with them. If she's brought up in a conversation, say as few words as possible about her, and salt them with grace. Then change the subject. During the service itself, devote your attention to it.

I'd keep any interactions with her while at church very minimum, and very light. Be as kind, polite, and brief as possible.

It's unfortunate there's tension between you and your sister. I like to think of my mind sort of being like property I own; I get to decide how much space someone occupies inside of it. If someone is consuming your thoughts, it's sort of like letting a tenant who doesn't pay rent and trashes the space remain there. It takes a lot of mental discipline, but you can train yourself to pull your thoughts off of her and put them somewhere else. When you're at church the best place to put them is on God and on the people there to worship. Perhaps memorizing a few scriptures that are important to you, and repeating them to yourself in your mind several times when you find your thoughts diverted to your sister would be helpful.

Thank you. Good advice....my thoughts are definitely occupied. It's a tough situation. I will try Scripture memorization and more distraction.
 
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Guitarmom

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There's no substitute for forgiveness sis. You may feel the same way about your sister even after leaving the Church. Have you tried approaching your Pastor with these issues?

It can so happen sometimes in Christendom that there would be irreconcilable differences even among believers. Paul and Barnabas had a falling out over John Mark (Acts 15:36-41) and went their separate ways. I'm not sure if that applies to your situation.

Please keep us posted. Peace in Christ :)
It is somewhat relevant. Thank you. It's a good reminder that even Paul had disagreements. I would probably feel the same way if I left :/ i have thought about running it by my pastors wife or another leader....maybe I should. Honestly it's helpful sharing it on here. I've asked for prayer as an "unspoken" once in my moms group. It's tough because i lead worship and maybe I'm just afraid of being a bad example or worried about what people think yikes.
 
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Guitarmom

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I would seek counseling from your Pastor or his wife as to what has caused this friction, and how to reconcile. Or at least get to a less tense place.
I may talk to his wife. I've had that thought a couple times....
 
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I'm struggling to do so.... guess I feel a little bit like I'm being dishonest. She has said some hurtful things. Difficult to ignore always bothering me I guess :/

I find it easy to forgive people. But for my own health and sanity and for my children I had to move away from my sister and her creepy husband. When I attended the same church as she did, people compared me to her. Her house always looked nice partly because she dropped her two kids off at the sitters every day. I had my three children at home and liked to do things with them such as read stories and bake cookies. I also sewed clothes and stuffed animals for them and made curtains and other things for our home. When we went to the same middle school my teachers didn't understand why she made straight A's and I didn't. I don't think God intended for us to be clones.

So it wouldn't necessarily be wrong to change churches, but I can't really advise you. Pray about it and do as you believe God wants you to do.
 
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paul1149

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I may talk to his wife. I've had that thought a couple times....
Talking to someone there sounds like a good idea, if all your efforts to reconcile haven't gone anywhere, and you haven't found solace in prayer. I think you should exhaust all possibilities to rectify the situation before you make the decision to leave, otherwise you may miss the Lord's organic solution to this problem. And leaving may not be as good as you think it is, as the problem could manifest again with another person, plus there's the disruption of your existing church losing its worship leader, and you losing your position.
 
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Guitarmom

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I find it easy to forgive people. But for my own health and sanity and for my children I had to move away from my sister and her creepy husband. When I attended the same church as she did, people compared me to her. Her house always looked nice partly because she dropped her two kids off at the sitters every day. I had my three children at home and liked to do things with them such as read stories and bake cookies. I also sewed clothes and stuffed animals for them and made curtains and other things for our home. When we went to the same middle school my teachers didn't understand why she made straight A's and I didn't. I don't think God intended for us to be clones.

So it wouldn't necessarily be wrong to change churches, but I can't really advise you. Pray about it and do as you believe God wants you to do.
It sounds strikingly similar. She's very materialistic and well off financially. She is ver y focused on her own life and attempts to control everyone to fit into her box. She does not want a friendship with me, but leads others to believe she does including my parents. She is able to send her kids to private school and if I can't do that then my kids will turn out horrible. I don't know if I can afford private school. She isn't supportive of me in any way and has said when people tell her I have a "good voice" she feels like crap. It's such a tough situation for me. She is highly charismatic and social. People love her. The world would probably define the relationship as "toxic" and advise that I keep my distance from her. But I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to do. Even if I changed churches, she would probably know everyone there too lol. It's tough to feel so isolated at church though. Other women talk of their struggles but I have to keep quiet because my mom and sister both are both involved with the church.
 
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Guitarmom

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Talking to someone there sounds like a good idea, if all your efforts to reconcile haven't gone anywhere, and you haven't found solace in prayer. I think you should exhaust all possibilities to rectify the situation before you make the decision to leave, otherwise you may miss the Lord's organic solution to this problem. And leaving may not be as good as you think it is, as the problem could manifest again with another person, plus there's the disruption of your existing church losing its worship leader, and you losing your position.
Good advice. I'm going to hang on as long as I can. I've even thought maybe I'd step down from the worship leading position and keep more to myself. I'm thinking I will talk to the pastors wife or another leader.....it's been helpful sharing on here! I appreciate it
 
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It sounds strikingly similar. She's very materialistic and well off financially. She is ver y focused on her own life and attempts to control everyone to fit into her box. She does not want a friendship with me, but leads others to believe she does including my parents. She is able to send her kids to private school and if I can't do that then my kids will turn out horrible. I don't know if I can afford private school. She isn't supportive of me in any way and has said when people tell her I have a "good voice" she feels like crap. It's such a tough situation for me. She is highly charismatic and social. People love her. The world would probably define the relationship as "toxic" and advise that I keep my distance from her. But I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to do. Even if I changed churches, she would probably know everyone there too lol. It's tough to feel so isolated at church though. Other women talk of their struggles but I have to keep quiet because my mom and sister both are both involved with the church.

I think you need some distance from family. I loved my sister (she passed away), but she criticized me so much that I had to get away. And when she started causing more serious problems, we dealt with those as long as we could, then moved. I never wanted her to have cancer. We visited her at the hospital. When we got to the hospital I started crying, and it was a while before I could go up to her room. I called her frequently after that. It was so sad. I still feel sad that she had such a horrible life. All those years living near her, I kept wanting to please God and I exposed myself and my children to her husband. I didn't know it was okay to cut ties; but sometimes its necessary. Her children have moved far away from their father, have no contact with him, or anyone in the entire family on both parents' sides. You need someone you can talk to and trust.
 
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