Need advice

[DavidNunes213]

My wife and I have an 8 month old girl. She is our first and only child at this point.

We've had one major disagreement that's put a lot of stress on our marriage since our child was born- keeping our daughter away from sick family members (colds, bugs, etc.).

I'm adamant about keeping our daughter away from sick people whether it's family, friends, etc. if of course we can help it. I'm well aware that our daughter is going to get sick from time to time and will be in contact with germs- I can accept that. She recently got through a bad cold like a champ.

It is my preference that if at a family or friend gathering there will be sick adults/ children there that we know about, we don't attend. My wife's feelings are the exact opposite. She hates missing out on gatherings with family or friends and despite my issues of having our daughter around sick people, she will attend no matter what and take our daughter with her.

My wife's grandmother had pnemonia and she brought our child around her against my wishes. My wife's mother currently has a cold and yet she lets her mother hold our daughter against my wishes. My wife's neice had croup and my wife let my daughter be around her against my wishes.

I've tried to compromise and let our daughter around sick family as long as we try to keep our distance but that doesnt seem to work. Our daughter is the new baby that everybody wants to hug, kiss, touch, etc.

This makes me feel terrible because 1) I feel like my wife chooses her family over me & our daughter and 2) I feel like my wishes are not being considered. I'd like some sort of a compromise but that's not happening.

When I discuss my feelings with her, she either cries about it accusing me of being unfair or cruel or tells me she's sorry and she'll try to prevent it from happening again. Either way, history repeats itself. She gets her way and I get no say in the matter.

I've seen her mom, sister, and aunts do the same thing with their husbands many times before- completely disregard their husbands wishes and handle things their way. Their husbands accept it and let it happen to keep the peace. I fear that these actions give my wife justification for what she does although I feel like in every other scenario we're able to talk about it and come to a mutual understanding.

I hate to see my baby sick. Am I overreacting?

 

[pdudgeon]

My wife and I have an 8 month old girl. She is our first and only child at this point.

We've had one major disagreement that's put a lot of stress on our marriage since our child was born- keeping our daughter away from sick family members (colds, bugs, etc.).

I'm adamant about keeping our daughter away from sick people whether it's family, friends, etc. if of course we can help it. I'm well aware that our daughter is going to get sick from time to time and will be in contact with germs- I can accept that. She recently got through a bad cold like a champ.

It is my preference that if at a family or friend gathering there will be sick adults/ children there that we know about, we don't attend. My wife's feelings are the exact opposite. She hates missing out on gatherings with family or friends and despite my issues of having our daughter around sick people, she will attend no matter what and take our daughter with her.

My wife's grandmother had pnemonia and she brought our child around her against my wishes. My wife's mother currently has a cold and yet she lets her mother hold our daughter against my wishes. My wife's neice had croup and my wife let my daughter be around her against my wishes.

I've tried to compromise and let our daughter around sick family as long as we try to keep our distance but that doesnt seem to work. Our daughter is the new baby that everybody wants to hug, kiss, touch, etc.

This makes me feel terrible because 1) I feel like my wife chooses her family over me & our daughter and 2) I feel like my wishes are not being considered. I'd like some sort of a compromise but that's not happening.

When I discuss my feelings with her, she either cries about it accusing me of being unfair or cruel or tells me she's sorry and she'll try to prevent it from happening again. Either way, history repeats itself. She gets her way and I get no say in the matter.

I've seen her mom, sister, and aunts do the same thing with their husbands many times before- completely disregard their husbands wishes and handle things their way. Their husbands accept it and let it happen to keep the peace. I fear that these actions give my wife justification for what she does although I feel like in every other scenario we're able to talk about it and come to a mutual understanding.

I hate to see my baby sick. Am I overreacting?

No, I don't think that you are overreacting. You are correct in that your wife is probably used to doing things her way, but she has the health of her child to think of now, and not just her own wishes.

If she wishes to visit her family when they are sick and risk her own health in the bargain, then she should do so.
but for the sake of the welfare of her own daughter, your wife should undertake sanitary precautions when the visit is over by using hand sanitizer so that she does't bring the germs back home.

What she doesn't realize (being a new mom) is that a child's immune system is not as strong as an adults, so the child is more suceptible to illness than she herself is. While your wife may have developed an immunity (thanks to vacines or natural immunity) it takes time for a child to do the same.

Also there is a new thought out there that it is good to deliberately expose infants to all sorts of diseases while they are young, in order to develop that immunity. But what that theory ignores is that some of the bugs floating around out there now have naturally mutated, and are stronger than what she encountered as a child.
and not all diseases can be cured.

We cannot protect our children from everything in life, but it is not necessary to deliberately place them in harm's way either.

 

[St_Worm2]

Are you asking about your wife's behavior toward your daughter, or is this question more about your wife's behavior towards you?

 

[Jane_Doe]

By preventing your daughter from being around "germs" you are sentencing her to a lifetime of severe health issues.

Being around things which challenge her immune system makes the immune system strong, and it's particularly in early development (aka right now). Children whom are kept from "germs" at early ages don't develop a strong immune system and/or develop immune system disorders (allergies, autoimmune disorders, etc).

I sympathize with your not wanting to see your daughter sick. When my daughter was born she had a major birth defect which... complicated life a lot. I understand not wanting to see your kid sick, or to see them unhappy. But trying to uber-shield her like you're doing is hurting her long term.

 

[DavidNunes213]

Are you asking about your wife's behavior toward your daughter, or is this question more about her behavior towards you?

Her behavior toward me

 

[DavidNunes213]

By preventing your daughter from being around "germs" you are sentencing her to a lifetime of severe health issues.

Being around things which challenge her immune system makes the immune system strong, and it's particularly in early development (aka right now). Children whom are kept from "germs" at early ages don't develop a strong immune system and/or develop immune system disorders (allergies, autoimmune disorders, etc).

I sympathize with your not wanting to see your daughter sick. When my daughter was born she had a major birth defect which... complicated life a lot. I understand not wanting to see your kid sick, or to see them unhappy. But trying to uber-shield her like you're doing is hurting her long term.

I'm not talking about uber protecting her from germs, I'm simply wanting to keep her away from sick adults/ kids if reasonable and/or possible.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I'm not talking about uber protecting her from germs, I'm simply wanting to keep her away from sick adults/ kids if reasonable and/or possible.

It is not reasonable. Keeping her away from sick people will impair her immune system and cause major health issues. It will also forbid her from asking with anyone under the age of 8, as normal young kids carry many bacteria/viruses/etc.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I am a huge germaphobe, so I am 100% in your camp. My husband is even more fearful than I am. Our son is 11 months old, and we do whatever we can to avoid exposure to sick people, be that colds, flu, strep throat, whatever. To me, it is not worth it. I am very anxious by nature though, so it's sometimes hard for me to tell what is reasonable worry and what is excessive.

Some people are really breezy and laid-back about this, and some even think it's better to expose kids to build up their immune system. Kids will catch things, but I just think it's better to reduce the exposure in the first year of life, if possible. Obviously with daycare and older siblings it is unavoidable, but I still would want to try.

In my opinion, the issue here is that your wife disregards your concerns and does what she wants to do against your wishes. I think this is something that you should discuss with her again and explain that it's not only about keeping your daughter healthy, but about her respecting your feelings. As the child's father, your wishes matter just as much as hers.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I disagree that reducing exposure to illness in the first year of life will impair a child's immune system later on. There is a big difference between keeping a baby from someone with the flu, and keeping the baby in a protective bubble her whole life. Babies under a year old are more at risk of complications from things like the flu and pneumonia, and are more likely to be hospitalized than older children for the same illness.

My husband's nephew had RSV and the flu when he was under a year old, and both times he developed pneumonia and needed a nebulizer. He is now 7 years old and has asthma. The pediatrician said it is a direct result of having pneumonia twice as an infant. There are times where exposure to illness is unavoidable, but when it can be avoided, I think it should be.

 

[Dave-W]

Babies under a year old are more at risk of complications from things like the flu and pneumonia, and are more likely to be hospitalized than older children for the same illness.

That is why breast feeding is so important. During that first year the immunities of the mom are passed on to the infant via her milk.

 

[akmom]

I'm with you on this one. We've hosted a lot of Thanksgivings and family visiting from out of state - all things that are difficult to reschedule just because someone gets a cold. So I often just chalk it up to allergies or their personal health and opt to let it go. It's hard to tell Grandma to stay home for Thanksgiving when all her family is gathered at my place. Or to avoid an aunt for half her vacation, while she recovers from an unexpected cold.

But you know what? They always pass their sickness on to us, without fail. And usually it's not all at once. One kid will get sick, then a few days later I'll get sick from taking care of them, then the other kids will get sick because of me. And we have to cancel events, miss school, burn up sick days all because we are sick or caring for sick kids. And it's like... was it worth it to be sick for two weeks just to hang out with that sick relative for a few hours? Not really. Every time my family gets over a bad cold or flu, I put my foot down about sick relatives for awhile. But when you've been healthy for a few months straight it's easy to forget how bad it is and be in denial about contagions.

 

[look4hope]

David, at the end of the day your feelings and reaction here --totally normal. I have two daughters under the age of 8 and with my first baby....I was not letting anyone touch her unless they were not sick and their hands washed. Seriously. I got looks and comments and obviously that just made my emotions boil, on top of suffering from postpartum depression.

Whether is an over reaction or not, your spouse is suppose to be part of a team here....communicate before doing something that can possibly make the other one freak out, specially if your spouse knows how important that is for you.

Anyway, i can agree with doing the best to keep little ones away from sick folk.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Since the question is about her treatment of you and not so much the exposure to germs, I'll say that maybe the solution lies in the middle ground. You've offered what your wants are, but not middle ground. There's no opportunity for anything but compliance or defiance, only solutions that will result in unhappiness for her.

As in either she'll do what you say and be unhappy she didn't socialize as she wanted, or she'll do what she wants and be unhappy that she'll have your harping on her for it. When the results for either choice are her being unhappy, she'll choose the unhappy that at least comes after having a period of satisfaction.

I think the better solution would be that if somebody is sick with something minor, like a cold or the sniffles or they're getting over a stomach bug, then you just let it go. Your child will get a thousand colds over their life and the jury is out if exposure as an infant is beneficial or simply unavoidable... And it is unavoidable, btw. If your child goes out in public, they'll be directly exposed in a thousand different ways. To accept that exposure as unavoidable but limit it for friends and family, and a key vein of socialization for your wife (who probably desperately needs and wants socialization) seems like a pointless distinction. Heck, if you work or she works, you're exposing your child to the germs, even if you aren't sick. So drawing a line there with something like a cold or a cough just is pointless frustration for you both.

However, if somebody is sick with something major, and I'd consider pneumonia an example of that, then limit contact. That's highly contagious and can be harmful to anybody regardless of their age, but certainly an infant. Where direct contact can be avoided, it should. In exchange though, offer to watch the baby if she wants to go out so she can still socialize.

A lot of this is just common first baby stuff. You go through that phase where everybody who has a sniffle can't go near the baby and you basically bathe in hand sanitizer... Having done the baby thing twice (once with my son and once with my stepson) and an older child before all of those (another stepson), your paranoia about such things dwindles pretty rapidly, especially since you realize most of the stuff that decides what a child gets sick with and doesn't is more or less dependent on the child than anything else and, by and large, doesn't impact if they're healthy kids or not.

My oldest stepson is rarely sick and, when he does, it's a cough that lasts forever or a random bout of throwing up that lasts 3 or 4 hours and that's it. If locked in a room with somebody with a cold, he'll have I'd say a 50% chance of getting it.

My youngest stepson has a runny nose from October through April. He'll maybe have a cold once or twice through the year, but generally it's that runny nose that doesn't end. I'd say he has a 30% chance of catching a cold when exposed.

My son, the youngest, doesn't get a cough, cold, or sniffle. Ever. EVER. But when he does catch something, it's never a cold, it's a plague. It starts as a random super high fever and then, blam, it'll knock him on his butt for a week, he'll be groggy for another week, then he'll be back to himself. Lock him in the room, he's got a 10% chance of catching it but, if he does catch it, 100% chance it'll be the worst version of whatever the cold was.

They're all healthy kids, they just all get sick their own separate ways.

You have to understand though too, as a mother, she's probably going through some stuff hardcore. She may feel alone and isolated, especially if she's a stay at home mom and you work. She might need socialization to keep from feeling like somebody's mom all day, every day. Nobody wants to feel like that and, to be honest, you don't want her feeling like that either. Snapping out of mom mode is one of the best things you can help your wife do and it could have seriously wonderful long-term effects on her and your marriage... Especially as it only gets harder from here on out.

But with the baby only 8 months old, she may not feel ready to go out without the baby or, if she does, she may feel some serious guilt. I remember leaving my son overnight with my parents twice in a row when he was like 6 months old and even though he's almost 7 now, I remember how profoundly, soul-crushingly guilty I felt doing so. Heck, even now, my parents took him overnight twice last month and I felt like a deadbeat mom because I only have him two nights a week where there's no school and two of those weeks last month he was with my parents 50% of those school-free nights.

So that's why finding a compromise that lets her get out while not making her feel like she's abandoning a baby is super important.

I bet if you dig at this for half a second, you'll see this has nothing to do about exposing the kid to germs for her. If you solve that problem, by default you'll solve this problem too.

 

[Young Cole]

Thanks for wonderful advice.

 

[JAM2b]

I think your wife should be respectful of your wishes as someone she loves and as the father of her child.

However, they only way to build an immune system is to be exposed to illness. You don't want it happening excessively, and not when it is a serious illness, but the average baby get 11 colds the first year of their life. It's going to happen sooner or later.

I wouldn't intentionally try to expose her, but trying to avoid it all together is a bit obsessive and impossible. Even spending time with you at home after work or being out is bringing some exposure home to your daughter.

It is inconsiderate and unloving of your wife and in-laws to expose her recklessly and to be disrespectful of your wishes, though.