Need advice working through infidelity and forgiveness

[icarus85]

I Have lived a not so perfect life/marriage and now looking to fix it all.

I am married to my wife who I met having an extramarital affair, we have been married for close to 5 years now and have a 4yo and another child on the way. I am 34 years old and my wife is 31.

We did not meet with everything on the table and didn't plan to build a life together let alone one following God.

We were both Married when we met, we both divorced and re-married to each other within the same year and then immediately became pregnant with our first kid.

My wife has battled drug addictions and I have dealt with inappropriate content addictions we lived together but didn't really grow together. Up until late last year both of us knew nothing of each others addictions, yet we continued to fight as if something underlying was wrong. We would fight over stupid things. I also feel that I have/had anger issues that developed during the last year, due to fighting but never getting anything resolved. This all culminated in my wife having an affair in December last year.

This shook me to my core. I have thought about divorce over and over since it happened but have chose to stick it out. I have told her I forgive her and I want us to work out. I have prayed for wisdom and strength to get through this. I am just having a really hard time dealing with the deception. I never felt like she was falling out of love with me the whole time the affair was happening, she treated me the same way the entire time which makes it so hard to trust now. Also that she hid an opioid addiction from me for close to 3 years makes me question everything.

I want to move forward and heal, and hopefully find a way to fix our marriage. We attend church regularly now and have been baptized. We get a long better and honestly believe that the affair and drug addiction is over. However every once and a while out of nowhere I have this overwhelming feeling that there may be something that she is hiding from me.

I have confessed my inappropriate content addiction to her, and have stopped using inappropriate content. This has also proved difficult because my spouse enjoys watching it when we are intimate.

I feel like there are so many things wrong in my Marriage but I don't want to leave I don't want to start over but I also don't know where to start in fixing it. I suppose christian marriage counseling would be a good start and I have signed up for that but due to what is going on in the world lately I don't know when that may actually be possible. I need wisdom and prayers.

Please Help

 

[Reborn1977]

This all culminated in my wife having an affair in December last year.

This shook me to my core.

I have married for 35 years and believe me I understand even as Christians how difficult marriage can be.

I feel for all that you and your wife have gone through, and I applaud all the progress that you have made.

One thing though that has always amazed me, is that people can start a relationship the wrong way, through an adulterous affair, then marry, and yet they seem so amazed that their spouse would cheat on them. If your spouse cheated with you, why wouldn't they cheat on you. To me this seems like simple wisdom.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

May God bless your desire to restore your marriage. I pray that you and your wife will continue developing the ability to be honest with each other, and that both of you will remain committed to the marriage and to serving God.

 

[mama2one]

welcome to CF

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Icarus85,

I'm sorry to tell you this, but the one type of marriage that is nearly impossible to salvage is the 'affairage', such as yours.

You would need to take drastic steps to eliminate mindset to gratify self at the expense of others from both of you. This is the mindset that started your marriage off in the first place. You would need to learn how to not do anything without the mutual enthusiasm, and to provide radical transparency, including digital transparency to the other.

However, your first step is to stop all addictions, including her affair. Most affairs just go underground better when discovered so it is highly possible she is still in an affair. An addiction will always win out over the marriage or another person, so work on your marriage while one or the both of you is still addicted is like shoveling sand against a tide.

You can receive advice from volunteers at the forums marriagebuilders.com, but I'll warn you, it will take a lot of effort and hard work on both of your parts to save this marriage. If your wife is unable to totally relinquish her opioid addiction, particularly given the tendency on both of your parts to have affairs, you may be better off separating and providing a stable home for your children without the drama of addictions, marital strife and affairs.

I'm sorry this advice is pretty tough to hear. It's hard to cut your losses when your emotions are invested, but for the sake of your children, you need to troubleshoot intellectually, making difficult short term choices as necessary for the long term benefit of your family.

Hugs and prayers,
E.

PS: fighting in the home is very stressful and damaging to your children. The volunteers at marriagebuilders.com can teach you how to never fight with your spouse again. My husband and I do not fight even though we have a lot of differing opinions, priorities and a blended family. With the tools we have from that site there is no need to fight. You and your wife do not need to fight to resolve your differences. Study up on the policy of joint agreement on that site.