Need advice on talking with my 12 y/o daughter about SEX

[Melissa B]

First of all I am VERY happy that I found this place.

A little intro: 39 year old single mother of a bright and wonderful 12 year old girl. I do not know the father (a story for another place). Everybody told me that I should just get rid of it but I knew better, and I am thankful I made the right decision. I became a Christian shortly before I had my daughter. As for my Daughter she has been a Christian since she was little, we both go to Church together. My daughter does go to a public school, and I am no fan of this, but the Christian school here wants $$$ that I can't afford.

My ultimate worry is that my daughter is somehow going to be pushed into doing things that she shouldn't be doing. I have a very positive open relationship with her, but I know that the time is coming where she will not be telling me everything. She is already interested in a couple boys that I know of, but I obviously can't control what they do.

So, I am on here because I need some advice on what I should and should not say. I feel like I should tell her everything about me back when I was a teenager, but at the same time should I be telling her all of this bad stuff? Let me be honest on here and say that I lost my virginity when I was 14, something that I will always painfully regret doing. I ended up so lost with myself that in the process I ended up having sex with multiple boys during my high school years, most of them boys my age, nearly all were just 1-day flings.

I guess I am asking advice on whether or not I should tell her about my mistakes. Should I tell her all about my teen years, or should I act like I was a wonderful innocent teen?

Another question is should I buy her condoms? Trust me just typing out that line nearly gave me a heart attack! I obviously want her to stay a virgin until marriage, but I also want her to be safe incase it doesn't turn out that way. Or maybe I am overthinking that and maybe I shouldn't be talking about condoms until age 13 or 14? UUUGGGHHH!!!

I am on the fence on the best way of doing this. Would love all the advice I can get.

 

[LoveGodsWord]

Hi Melissa, nice to meet you.

All of us are sinners in need of a Savior. Praise God he helped you out of your old lifestyle.

Maybe you can talk to your daughter about what happened to you in your old life when you did not know JESUS (without going into the details to much). Explain that those temptations you gave into because you did not know any better at the time were mistakes you made and now you forever painfully regret these mistakes and if you knew back then what you know now you would never have made those mistakes and point her to JESUS and God's WORD?

Also, you may wish to explain how at that age many boys only use girls for sex but if your daughter is faithful to God he will find someone for her that will love and appresicate her for marriage if she is prayterfully faithful to JESUS.

Help her to see that the Devil will try and bring temptations into our lives that will lead us away from God and His loving care. Ask JESUS for guidence and wisdom sister. He is just waiting for you to go to him with your burden for your daughter.

God bless

 

[Mel333]

First of all I am VERY happy that I found this place.

A little intro: 39 year old single mother of a bright and wonderful 12 year old girl. I do not know the father (a story for another place). Everybody told me that I should just get rid of it but I knew better, and I am thankful I made the right decision. I became a Christian shortly before I had my daughter. As for my Daughter she has been a Christian since she was little, we both go to Church together. My daughter does go to a public school, and I am no fan of this, but the Christian school here wants $$$ that I can't afford.

My ultimate worry is that my daughter is somehow going to be pushed into doing things that she shouldn't be doing. I have a very positive open relationship with her, but I know that the time is coming where she will not be telling me everything. She is already interested in a couple boys that I know of, but I obviously can't control what they do.

So, I am on here because I need some advice on what I should and should not say. I feel like I should tell her everything about me back when I was a teenager, but at the same time should I be telling her all of this bad stuff? Let me be honest on here and say that I lost my virginity when I was 14, something that I will always painfully regret doing. I ended up so lost with myself that in the process I ended up having sex with multiple boys during my high school years, most of them boys my age, nearly all were just 1-day flings.

I guess I am asking advice on whether or not I should tell her about my mistakes. Should I tell her all about my teen years, or should I act like I was a wonderful innocent teen?

Another question is should I buy her condoms? Trust me just typing out that line nearly gave me a heart attack! I obviously want her to stay a virgin until marriage, but I also want her to be safe incase it doesn't turn out that way. Or maybe I am overthinking that and maybe I shouldn't be talking about condoms until age 13 or 14? UUUGGGHHH!!!

I am on the fence on the best way of doing this. Would love all the advice I can get.

Hi there,

I think there will be a time for you to open up and be honest about the past... but I suggest that day will come when she asks a question about it.

12 is young and an info overload on the past could overwhelm her. I suppose this is where you'll need discernment.

Oh okay, she's interested in boys already. That's quite young. Yeh, maybe let her know some things about protecting herself then. Protecting meaning not letting anyone force her to do anything. Teaching her to protect herself from harm.

12 is young to have condoms altogether. If she's interested in boys, maybe she should have to talk, guide her into not having sex until she's married.

Public school is difficult due to culture and what they are teaching children these days through the media..

If you need to talk about sex with her maybe find an educational video online to help.

Hope this helps in some way.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Welcome Melissa.

Has she indicated a want or need for a 'father figure' in her life, or does she have one now (a close relative perhaps)? As you are her role model she may already be accepting of life without a close male presence, even to the point of having a child out of wedlock like you did. Remember the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.
I wish you well.

 

[JAM2b]

In most, if not all, public schools she is going to be exposed to sexuality and information, and a LOT of misinformation at a very young age. It would not surprise me if she already knew more than you think she does.

As far as your past, it is good to be honest, but to do so appropriately. First, try to learn what she already knows, and keep whatever you share very simple and vague until she is old enough and has reached an emotional maturity to handle the whole truth. I've got a grown son who doesn't know all the details of things that I experienced when I was a teenager. Being honest with her doesn't mean telling her every detail.

At 12, I believe she needs a solid and factual education about sexuality and her body, and what appropriate boundaries are. She is already at an age where the early starters might target her. Even if she isn't of interest to anyone yet, having faulty knowledge or understanding can lead to some extreme embarrassment. I can guarantee you, kids have conversations with each other about this stuff, whether they all want to or not. It comes up. You want to be the source of her information first, or at least early on before it goes too far.

 

[Dave-W]

I agree with Jam. Public school will give all kinds of info, most of it coming from her classmates. It could be right, but most likely it will be way wrong.

You need to ask her about all of that and correct any mis-information.

These topics are best started way early to keep ahead of the curve. I do hope you have covered her bodily changes and periods. Like 2 or 3 years ago? My wife and I raised 3 daughters and a son. I also know how my MIL did NOT tell my wife about any of that and it blindsided her at age 12. Not good.

Don't even think about condoms at this point. Make sure you have the right size pads etc. for her.

Also alert her and prepare her for when the real pangs of sexual desire kick in - and how she should deal with them. They can be extremely intense. At 12 she may already be starting that. It can happen BEFORE the first period. It is not lust nor is it sin; it is just the hormones doing their God designed job of changing her from a little girl into a young woman. And that is a GOOD thing. Do not let her become negative or feel condemned from that.

 

[Dave-W]

OH - BTW - Welcome to the Forums Melissa! I hope we can be of assistance and a source of encouragement to both you and your precious daughter.

 

[mama2one]

following

 

[Dave-W]

I am starting to think Melissa may be a drive by poster. Throws out a controversial OP and then disappears.

 

[Melissa B]

no, I am not a drive by poster, I work 2 jobs and I only got so much time. Right now I am just thankful I got multiple replies on here with a ton of wonderful recommendations. And I hope the topic isn't controversial, I really am wondering what I should or should not tell her.

 

[Dave-W]

OK good.

 

[JAM2b]

And I hope the topic isn't controversial, I really am wondering what I should or should not tell her.

It's not controversial. It's responsible parenting and good to get input from others on.

I think you should just start by asking her what she already knows or is curious about. Let the conversation lead from there. She also needs to know about her anatomy and menstrual cycles if she doesn't already.

Another good thing to talk about is how to get a good fit in a bra.

 

[Guestadmin54321]

Well I think it might be good for you to be honest with her about your mistakes, it could help her learn from you mistakes rather than her having to learn from her own possible mistakes. As for condoms, you may want to talk to her about it.

 

[ChocoRabbit]

I would urge you to be honest about your past mistakes as you should not lie to your own daughter. She can see that you've regretted your mistakes, but I would begin talking to her about it soon. As other posters have mentioned, children these days are exposed to bad things way too soon, and she may have already gotten misinformation from her classmates and online. In addition, there is no reason for you to buy her condoms because there is no reason for her to be having sex even in the next several years.

 

[NerdGirl]

My ultimate worry is that my daughter is somehow going to be pushed into doing things that she shouldn't be doing. I have a very positive open relationship with her, but I know that the time is coming where she will not be telling me everything. She is already interested in a couple boys that I know of, but I obviously can't control what they do.

At only 12 years old, you should be in control of everything she's doing, 24 hours a day. If she's not at school or at home, you should know exactly where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing. 12 years old is wayyy too early to be off 'hanging out' with friends or boys and not being monitored.

I feel like I should tell her everything about me back when I was a teenager, but at the same time should I be telling her all of this bad stuff? Let me be honest on here and say that I lost my virginity when I was 14, something that I will always painfully regret doing. I ended up so lost with myself that in the process I ended up having sex with multiple boys during my high school years, most of them boys my age, nearly all were just 1-day flings.

I guess I am asking advice on whether or not I should tell her about my mistakes. Should I tell her all about my teen years, or should I act like I was a wonderful innocent teen?

Not in the first conversation about sex. You don't want to scare her, overwhelm her, make her feel embarrassed, or make the conversation about yourself. Has she any knowledge of how babies are made or sex or any of that? If you aren't sure what she knows or doesn't know, sit down with her and tell her that you're here to answer any questions she might have about men, women, relationships, sex, etc. Sometimes all it takes is an open door and a feeling that it's okay to ask questions, to get the ball rolling. And then follow her lead. If she clams up and isn't comfortable, don't force it on her. Don't go into graphic, sordid details unless she asks about them. Let her steer the conversation as much as possible. This way, she'll know she can talk to Mom about anything without it becoming uncomfortable.

Another question is should I buy her condoms? Trust me just typing out that line nearly gave me a heart attack! I obviously want her to stay a virgin until marriage, but I also want her to be safe incase it doesn't turn out that way. Or maybe I am overthinking that and maybe I shouldn't be talking about condoms until age 13 or 14? UUUGGGHHH!!!

Absolutely not. That's like saying "Don't do drugs, but here's a crack pipe, just in case you decide to." Remind yourself that she's NOT YOU. Don't assume she's going to behave as you did, and make all the mistakes you made. Have you been raising her to fear God and follow His commands? If so, then she should be growing up with the solid conviction that sex is for marriage, no exceptions, period, end of story. Acting wishy-washy and leaning into "Well, if you're going to commit this dangerous sin, let me help you do it 'safely'" is outrageous. There is no safety in sin. 12 year olds aren't going to use condoms reliably. What about her heart? Why aren't you worried about the consequences of early premarital sex on her heart, her soul, her self image, her self respect, her future relationships? A condom won't protect her from any of that! Those reasons are just as valid as wanting to avoid pregnancies and STD's. She needs to know this and she needs to hear it from you, and see you living it out in your own life. In the way you speak, act, and treat others. These are lessons that need to be taught every day, all day, in the way you live, not just when your child hits puberty. She should be learning from you that men and women honor each other, that marriage is sacred, that God values purity, all through her life. Stop expecting her to fall and sin, and expect her to rise above and live as a virtuous young woman. Our kids can sense what we feel and expect from them, and if she thinks you're just waiting for her to mess up, then it's far more likely to happen.

 

[NerdGirl]

Also, DO NOT allow her to have unmonitored internet access. I would not give her a cell phone, either, unless it's completely locked down so she can only call home or friends, etc. There are countless predators who know how to reach young teens by posing as other young teens. Monitor EVERYTHING. If you don't know how, learn how, and learn immediately. I can't stress this enough, as someone who has firsthand experience with an online predator going after her child.