Need advice, guidance

[JI4M]

Hi everyone,

This will be my second time posting about this issue. The first time i posted about it, It was brought to my attention that it was too vague and thus confusing. And it was and the reason was because I had some private matters in there that I didn't want to disclose but I am going to try to make it more clearer while still trying to keep some certain things private. I will try to do it in bulletin points this time.

1. A year and a half ago, I received a horrific injury that damaged my nerves that left me in excruciating pain in a very sensitive area of my body. I couldn't function, speak, eat, I was in agonizing brutal pain every day. It was a nightmare of nightmares that reeked havoc on me and my family.

2. After about 3 months somehow, I don't know if you would call it a miracle or what you would call it, the pain moved to a part of my body that was more a lot more tolerable. Apparently nerve pain can move around. The pain was still terrible, but I could at least function with the pain in this part of my body where it is now than where it was before and have had this pain every single day since then. I lived in huge fear ever day of the pain going back to where it was originally.

Here's where things get confusing but PLEASE try to bare with me. During the beginning of my horrific injury, I discovered that one of my habits that I have had for 30 years magnified the pain and NOTHING took it away. I promised myself if God ever took away my pain or moved it to a part of my body I could handle, that I would never do it again, and THAT's WHAT HAPPENED.

I did NOT know how hard it was going to be to break that habit. I did it for 30 years (since I was 11 years old) to cope with all the abuse I endured in my past. Every day was a huge struggle and not only that, that habit also relieved a lot of other physical pain that I had. But I managed to do it, I managed every day, white knuckling it not to do it for a year and half. But one day, I just gave in. The first time I did it, I didn't bring the pain, but the second time, it brought the pain back to area of my most feared spot and hasn't left since.

I am completed devastated. I put all this stress back onto my family by doing this, put myself back into this hell and all for what? I KNEW this was a HUGE risk when I did it and I STILL did it. I knew while I was doing it, what I was risking! I don't know why I did it!!! What kind of person am I?????? Why would I risk being back in 24/7 horrific pain, missing my family and all their special moments, putting them under stress again? Why would I do this????? I am a mother!!! What type of mother would do this?????? There is something seriously and deeply wrong with me!!!!!! I know the pain won't move again because it was only by a miracle that it ever did the first time! Now I have the pain in both places! It's been 5 weeks going on 6 weeks. This type of pain just doesn't leave! It's NERVE DAMAGE.

I'm not asking for prayers or sympathy, because I DONT deserved to be rescued this time! I'm asking why would I do this???? WHY?????

 

[RaymondG]

So your question for us is "why would I do this?"

Well it seems that you've weighed the risks and reward associated with the doing the act that you love to do.....And found that the reward associated with the act was worth the risk being taken.......so you took it.

We all do this risk vs. rewards analysis everyday.....nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[tampasteve]

You do deserve to be helped and rescued - but in real life. It sounds like you really need to reach out to a counselor that can help you on your path to recovery, preferably a Christian counselor.

 

[jameshjr]

Hello Ji4m,

I think i follow what you are saying (but not saying).

To answer your question : "why would i do this?"

It is a really easy one to answer: you are a human being. we are all fallen and therefore we will all sin until the day we die, there is nothing you can do about it.

Unfortunately i am not doctor and i am no councilor, so i cannot and will not even try to explain why your pain is changing; however i would definitely reccomend you talking to either your pastor or finding a christian councillor whom may have experience dealing with something similar.

Have you asked God to forgive this sin that you committed recently? because if you did, then he has, and therefore it will not be His doing.

I will also put forward my opinion that it sounds like you are being torture (mentally) by demonic forces, rather than facing 'judgement/punishment' from God.

 

[jameshjr]

p.s. none of us deserve to be rescued ever. we are saved by grace because of what Jesus did for us.

 

[Petros2015]

I'm not asking for prayers or sympathy, because I DONT deserved to be rescued this time! I'm asking why would I do this???? WHY?????

When the mind is addicted to something, it ceases to make correct value judgements and is at the same time compelled to use it. The compulsion will always outweigh whatever is put in front of it, even if only a little. It's enough. the scale tips, and down it goes.

You did it for the same reason that an alcoholic, after suffering a devasting consequence, drinks again and tells himself that it will be "just 1 this time"

You were incapable of not doing it.

I hope that gives you some peace and that the pain subsides
Praying for grace for you and your family
This is a clip from the Big Book of AA, I think it will sound familiar, and you might find answers there or in related organizations. The full chapter and book are here if what I clipped below resonates with you.
Chapter 3 – More About Alcoholism – Welcome to Silkworth.net

I do think there is still hope for you, I'm sorry your situation is so dire, but I really don't think you had a choice. I'm hoping that the end of the road for this for you is a complete removal and relief of the pain (not just a relocation) and a better peace in your soul than you have ever known - I really and truly believe that is still on the table for you.

God bless.

Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.

On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay- walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?

You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It’s strong language—but isn’t it true?

 

[Petros2015]

I did NOT know how hard it was going to be to break that habit. I did it for 30 years (since I was 11 years old) to cope with all the abuse I endured in my past.

I also want to say that you are incredible individual to endure all that you have endured. People have different coping mechanisms to get through pain, and this was simply one of yours. So it is not surprising to me, that when you were (still) in pain, it became impossible not to return to it.

I know the pain won't move again because it was only by a miracle that it ever did the first time!

This I flatly won't believe, on your behalf, in Jesus name. The Father I know does not love to give pain, but the more pain someone is in, the more love he has for them. He may or may not act - He may not have acted before for all you really know. I don't think you've seen your first real miracle yet, but I'll be praying that you do.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hi everyone,

This will be my second time posting about this issue. The first time i posted about it, It was brought to my attention that it was too vague and thus confusing. And it was and the reason was because I had some private matters in there that I didn't want to disclose but I am going to try to make it more clearer while still trying to keep some certain things private. I will try to do it in bulletin points this time.

1. A year and a half ago, I received a horrific injury that damaged my nerves that left me in excruciating pain in a very sensitive area of my body. I couldn't function, speak, eat, I was in agonizing brutal pain every day. It was a nightmare of nightmares that reeked havoc on me and my family.

2. After about 3 months somehow, I don't know if you would call it a miracle or what you would call it, the pain moved to a part of my body that was more a lot more tolerable. Apparently nerve pain can move around. The pain was still terrible, but I could at least function with the pain in this part of my body where it is now than where it was before and have had this pain every single day since then. I lived in huge fear ever day of the pain going back to where it was originally.

Here's where things get confusing but PLEASE try to bare with me. During the beginning of my horrific injury, I discovered that one of my habits that I have had for 30 years magnified the pain and NOTHING took it away. I promised myself if God ever took away my pain or moved it to a part of my body I could handle, that I would never do it again, and THAT's WHAT HAPPENED.

I did NOT know how hard it was going to be to break that habit. I did it for 30 years (since I was 11 years old) to cope with all the abuse I endured in my past. Every day was a huge struggle and not only that, that habit also relieved a lot of other physical pain that I had. But I managed to do it, I managed every day, white knuckling it not to do it for a year and half. But one day, I just gave in. The first time I did it, I didn't bring the pain, but the second time, it brought the pain back to area of my most feared spot and hasn't left since.

I am completed devastated. I put all this stress back onto my family by doing this, put myself back into this hell and all for what? I KNEW this was a HUGE risk when I did it and I STILL did it. I knew while I was doing it, what I was risking! I don't know why I did it!!! What kind of person am I?????? Why would I risk being back in 24/7 horrific pain, missing my family and all their special moments, putting them under stress again? Why would I do this????? I am a mother!!! What type of mother would do this?????? There is something seriously and deeply wrong with me!!!!!! I know the pain won't move again because it was only by a miracle that it ever did the first time! Now I have the pain in both places! It's been 5 weeks going on 6 weeks. This type of pain just doesn't leave! It's NERVE DAMAGE.

I'm not asking for prayers or sympathy, because I DONT deserved to be rescued this time! I'm asking why would I do this???? WHY?????

It is really hard to know what to say. We don't know what thing you did was. But I would say throw yourself to the mercy of God.

Psa 103:13-14 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

Also I would encourage you to keep praying that God heals you. As our father, he wants good for us.

Mat 7:7-11 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

 

[JI4M]

Have you asked God to forgive this sin that you committed recently? because if you did, then he has, and therefore it will not be His doing.

No, I wouldn't dare because I knew , fully aware , what I was doing, with God and my family at the forefront of my mind, while I was doing it. Awful, I'm just awful. The habit I was doing is not bad at all in and of itself (meaning it's not like drugs, alcohol or anything sexual or anything like that) except after all these years it helps cause more physical damage to my injuries. I don't want anyone thinking I am doing anything weird, it's just so hard to explain this habit, that it would take away from the story. I would say it's kind of in the same book as scab picking, but not scab picking.

I will also put forward my opinion that it sounds like you are being torture (mentally) by demonic forces, rather than facing 'judgement/punishment' from God.

I almost broke down reading this, I really do,mentally and physically, feel like this. For many years now. How do I stop it once and for all? It's so powerful, has such a strong hold and lasting so long if that is what this is

 

[JI4M]

I'm going to respond to everyone's comments one at a time over the next few days. I am in a lot of pain today so it's hard for me to keep up right now. I am overwhelmed by all your beautiful messages that I know I don't deserve. Thank you thank you everyone.

 

[JI4M]

It is really hard to know what to say. We don't know what thing you did was. But I would say throw yourself to the mercy of God.

I'm going to respond to everything in a while but i just wanted to address this, it's hard to explain. It's not anything real bad like drugs or alcohol or weird like anything sexual in nature. I don't tell it because people would simply be confused. I would say it's in the same book as scab picking maybe? Something like that.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I'm going to respond to everything in a while but i just wanted to address this, it's hard to explain. It's not anything real bad like drugs or alcohol or weird like anything sexual in nature. I don't tell it because people would simply be confused. I would say it's in the same book as scab picking maybe? Something like that.

Well, you certainly have not sinned. It is not a sin, guilt issue.

 

[JI4M]

Well, you certainly have not sinned. It is not a sin, guilt issue.

I do feel it's a sin because this action, while not bad in and of itself, still had great consequences and ramifications, it has put me in pain that's hard to handle, I can't speak right because of the pain which limits me in every day life, I'm back to being able not to function, even worse, I'm putting so much stress onto my family by being back into this position. Sin or guilt, or both, I knew what I was doing, I knew the risk, I KNEW IT, especially when I thank God for saving me every day , for allowing me to be out of that excruciating pain hell and then this is what I do.

And I don't know why I would risk something like this. I didn't want to bring this up but I feel that I must now. My mom has told me told me once that when I was in the 3rd grade that my Vice Principle thought it was best to put me in a learning disabilities class and my mom said absolutely not. I had no earthly idea about this or that anyone thought me to be learning disabled. She never told me this at the time but she fought to keep me out of the LD class at that time. But I'm wondering now if I am mentally challenged in some way which boggles my mind that I can be so aware of mental challenges. I rather not be so aware, I rather be ignorant of it instead of acutely aware of every mentally challenged thing that I do which is a lot and I don't mean to insult anyone who has a loved one that is mentally challenged, I am speaking from the heart that I really do think I am mentally challenged and if I'm not, then what the ***** is wrong with me??????? Why would I risk such excruciating physical pain????? Trust me, I'm not some sadist that likes physical pain!!!! I'm terrified of it!!!! It just makes no sense.

 

[JI4M]

When the mind is addicted to something, it ceases to make correct value judgements and is at the same time compelled to use it. The compulsion will always outweigh whatever is put in front of it, even if only a little. It's enough. the scale tips, and down it goes.

You did it for the same reason that an alcoholic, after suffering a devasting consequence, drinks again and tells himself that it will be "just 1 this time"

You were incapable of not doing it.

I can't even explain my gratitude for explaining this to me. It wasn't until I was forced to stop my habit (which I can best describe is like compulsive scab picking to the umph degree), I had NO IDEA how truly addicted I was. It was worse than drug or alcohol addiction I would imagine, NO LIE. I would think about it every waking moment, of every day. I would watch youtube videos every day of others doing this habit (weird I know) but I was hoping it would aliveate my wanting to do it to myself. I did this for 30 years! 30 years!!! EVERY DAY. When I found out this habit I had amplified the horrific injury I received by 1000 times, I was just beside myself because I needed it more than ever to cope! So when I was under duress and distress from the constant agony of the pain, not eating, pacing my room for 16 weeks like a wild animal in pain, losing 50 pounds and one day I woke up and God moved my pain, for the first month or two, I was confused but then I realized it was much better than where it was ! And I swore I would NEVER do my habit again KNOWING full well it could bring the pain right back to where it was originally ....and like I said, I white knuckled it for a year and half, I already told you everything I did to try to not to do it and how I had no idea how addicted to this habit I really was until I had to stop. I thought eventually the feeling of wanting to do it would go away or it would lessen at least a little bit but after a year and half it would not budge an inch!!! It actually was so painful NOT to do it.

Anyway, I can't write that much right at this second. I really wanted to thank you, thank you for the messages that you left me and the hope and the love, it means soooooo sooooo much to me.

 

[Sophrosyne]

When someone is in perfect health you have a lot less excuse for poor behavior but when one is suffering an illness it can make you do things that you normally wouldn't consider starting from things that are trivial sins as the suffering gets more intense the range of sins can also escalate and extreme suffering can drive people to suicide even. With all that said we cannot judge people who are suffering without us having a good frame of reference as to how they feel when their behavior gets worse to even extreme.
When it comes down to it we in the end do sin sometimes due to illness weakening our resolve and if we let those times of weakness ruin our relationship with God and our witness to others for good then we end up useless to God in ministry. We have to forgive ourselves and ask God to forgive us and move on and not let sin win over our lives if we allow it to destroy us, often due to our foolish pride to not admit we are just (at times) no good and strive to do better in our humility we will hold onto our sin and punish ourself thinking it will make us better.
God (Jesus) took our punishment (sin) upon himself and us self punishing for sins vs surrendering them to God is essentially a lack of faith in God to forgive us. If we truly believe God forgives us, we will also forgive ourselves. Forgiveness doesn't mean we should do something about the consequences upon ourselves and others to restore things and hopefully improve things in our and others lives around us it just means that moving forward after bad judgments with a different plan means progress instead of stalling or retreating.

Satan wants us to have ruined lives and be made useless in the Body of Christ so that we end up not being helpful to anyone and often end up a detriment to others around us instead of a blessing.

The pain you have right now is likely going to have you not thinking right at times and people around you should be forgiving of it, and you should be trying to be more of a blessing to those around you than a drag if possible.
If you goof up..... try harder, and try something else if that isn't working and ask people around you for help too.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I do feel it's a sin because this action, while not bad in and of itself, still had great consequences and ramifications, it has put me in pain that's hard to handle, I can't speak right because of the pain which limits me in every day life, I'm back to being able not to function, even worse, I'm putting so much stress onto my family by being back into this position. Sin or guilt, or both, I knew what I was doing, I knew the risk, I KNEW IT, especially when I thank God for saving me every day , for allowing me to be out of that excruciating pain hell and then this is what I do.

And I don't know why I would risk something like this. I didn't want to bring this up but I feel that I must now. My mom has told me told me once that when I was in the 3rd grade that my Vice Principle thought it was best to put me in a learning disabilities class and my mom said absolutely not. I had no earthly idea about this or that anyone thought me to be learning disabled. She never told me this at the time but she fought to keep me out of the LD class at that time. But I'm wondering now if I am mentally challenged in some way which boggles my mind that I can be so aware of mental challenges. I rather not be so aware, I rather be ignorant of it instead of acutely aware of every mentally challenged thing that I do which is a lot and I don't mean to insult anyone who has a loved one that is mentally challenged, I am speaking from the heart that I really do think I am mentally challenged and if I'm not, then what the ***** is wrong with me??????? Why would I risk such excruciating physical pain????? Trust me, I'm not some sadist that likes physical pain!!!! I'm terrified of it!!!! It just makes no sense.

It could have just been curiosity. But whatever the reason it would be good to not blame yourself. Guilt only makes you feel bad.

 

[jameshjr]

No, I wouldn't dare because I knew , fully aware , what I was doing, with God and my family at the forefront of my mind, while I was doing it. Awful, I'm just awful. The habit I was doing is not bad at all in and of itself (meaning it's not like drugs, alcohol or anything sexual or anything like that) except after all these years it helps cause more physical damage to my injuries. I don't want anyone thinking I am doing anything weird, it's just so hard to explain this habit, that it would take away from the story. I would say it's kind of in the same book as scab picking, but not scab picking.



I almost broke down reading this, I really do,mentally and physically, feel like this. For many years now. How do I stop it once and for all? It's so powerful, has such a strong hold and lasting so long if that is what this is

I think it was Dr. Charles Stanley who said something like: "Listen, if you think you're too bad of a sinner, then you don't know how great of a saviour Jesus is".

All your sins; past, present, and future were forgiven on the cross. If God has forgiven you, don't you think that you can therefore justifiably forgive yourself?

As i said, the bible is clear, we are fallen. Therefore we are sin. How can you be so surprised that you sinned when you are sin?

I know that you are upset because you committed this one sin you promised not to but remember: the goes about like a roaring lion, seeking those whom to devour.

The devil is a predator and will therefore pick on your weakest point in order to get you to sin. I would think that he likes to get people to feel as badly as possible, because that is when they feel most apart from God and therefore more likely to sin.

I don't think that you can do much for yourself about this going forward, until you forgive yourself and accept that you are already forgiven by God.

--------

Regarding how you can stop the devil torturing you, im not sure you can completely. Jesus did say, "resist the devil, and he will flee from you".

The only thing that can help you is God. asking God for help, and taking His word to heart.

This video may help:

p.s: I have been self-isolating for a few days now and im starting to go a bit loopy: are you gettingout and about and seeing people,/ attending church?

P.P.S. dont feel as though you have to respond to me, only if you need/want to.

God bless, i will keep you in my prayers.

 

[JI4M]

Thank you everyone.

 

[ChristServant]

Hi everyone,

This will be my second time posting about this issue. The first time i posted about it, It was brought to my attention that it was too vague and thus confusing. And it was and the reason was because I had some private matters in there that I didn't want to disclose but I am going to try to make it more clearer while still trying to keep some certain things private. I will try to do it in bulletin points this time.

1. A year and a half ago, I received a horrific injury that damaged my nerves that left me in excruciating pain in a very sensitive area of my body. I couldn't function, speak, eat, I was in agonizing brutal pain every day. It was a nightmare of nightmares that reeked havoc on me and my family.

2. After about 3 months somehow, I don't know if you would call it a miracle or what you would call it, the pain moved to a part of my body that was more a lot more tolerable. Apparently nerve pain can move around. The pain was still terrible, but I could at least function with the pain in this part of my body where it is now than where it was before and have had this pain every single day since then. I lived in huge fear ever day of the pain going back to where it was originally.

Here's where things get confusing but PLEASE try to bare with me. During the beginning of my horrific injury, I discovered that one of my habits that I have had for 30 years magnified the pain and NOTHING took it away. I promised myself if God ever took away my pain or moved it to a part of my body I could handle, that I would never do it again, and THAT's WHAT HAPPENED.

I did NOT know how hard it was going to be to break that habit. I did it for 30 years (since I was 11 years old) to cope with all the abuse I endured in my past. Every day was a huge struggle and not only that, that habit also relieved a lot of other physical pain that I had. But I managed to do it, I managed every day, white knuckling it not to do it for a year and half. But one day, I just gave in. The first time I did it, I didn't bring the pain, but the second time, it brought the pain back to area of my most feared spot and hasn't left since.

I am completed devastated. I put all this stress back onto my family by doing this, put myself back into this hell and all for what? I KNEW this was a HUGE risk when I did it and I STILL did it. I knew while I was doing it, what I was risking! I don't know why I did it!!! What kind of person am I?????? Why would I risk being back in 24/7 horrific pain, missing my family and all their special moments, putting them under stress again? Why would I do this????? I am a mother!!! What type of mother would do this?????? There is something seriously and deeply wrong with me!!!!!! I know the pain won't move again because it was only by a miracle that it ever did the first time! Now I have the pain in both places! It's been 5 weeks going on 6 weeks. This type of pain just doesn't leave! It's NERVE DAMAGE.

I'm not asking for prayers or sympathy, because I DONT deserved to be rescued this time! I'm asking why would I do this???? WHY?????

No matter how many steps you take from GOD it's just one back. Repent and ask for forgiveness and healing. Give all your hardships over to GOD and wait for the answer. It's not always the answer we want or in the time we would like it but remember if GOD is at work in your life it is always for your good. None of us are perfect and we all fall sometimes even Christians.

Take care

Peace be to all those in the Body of Christ.

 

[JI4M]

thank

No matter how many steps you take from GOD it's just one back. Repent and ask for forgiveness and healing. Give all your hardships over to GOD and wait for the answer. It's not always the answer we want or in the time we would like it but remember if GOD is at work in your life it is always for your good. None of us are perfect and we all fall sometimes even Christians.

Take care

Peace be to all those in the Body of Christ.

Thank you