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Need Advice Considering Divorce

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Dawn123, Dec 18, 2019.

  1. Dawn123

    Dawn123 New Member

    3
    +1
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Seeking advice.

    I have been married only 3 years (almost 4), together for 7. I am seriously considering divorcing my husband. There is a lot to write, but I will try to shorten it as best I can. Long story short, I found out 6 months into our marriage that my husband had cheated on me pretty much our entire relationship. I was absolutely devastated and embarrassed. There were at least three different females that I know of. All of his discretions were prior to the marriage in 2016 with the most recent one being the week before our wedding.

    We went to counseling both through the church and outside of church with a more traditional counselor. He briefly went to individual counseling and took classes through the church on entering manhood, growth ect. He basically has tried a great deal to reform himself and do what is necessary to keep the marriage together.

    We had a baby last year in 2018. The week prior to me having our baby he went back into old text messages (from 2 years prior) and downloaded naked pictures of two of the girls he had cheated on me with. These were not regular pictures but pictures of vaginas and them naked. He said he did this to “show someone at work.” Obviously this makes no sense at all and created a great deal of pain for me especially being days from having our child. I have no reason to think he actually cheated again at that time, but the fact that he even felt the need to go back through 2 years of messages to download these pictures was enough. The baby came about a week later so this issue was never really dealt with, just put on the back burner.

    With the baby being older (she just tuned 12 months) and things settling down for me somewhat, I am just starting to process everything. I am JUST now realizing how much hurt and pain I have been holding in. The problem is I resent him. We are not intimate and I have no desire to be. I initially thought it was fatigue with the new baby, but its not. It’s him, I don’t want him touching me nor do I desire to touch him.

    His mother and I do not interact. She did not raise him. She is strung out on crack and a very negative and toxic person. She is erratic, violent, steals, ect. There are many reasons which are too many to list, but I do not allow my baby to have a relationship with her. I made this abundantly clear when the baby arrived. My husband after his mom pulled her last stunt begrudgingly agreed with me. I find out today, he told her I am the one who doesn’t want the baby around her as opposed to US and that he would bring the baby to her next spring.

    This is a slap in the face to me and I think I am pretty much exhausted at this point. We have a house and a child, but I don’t feel like we have a marriage. It seems he just does whatever he wants to do with no regards as to how it will affect me. I know some marriages have been able to overcome infidelity, but I truly feel that he has brought nothing but pain and drama into my life and I resent him so much that it borders on actual dislike. I have not spoken to anyone about this, but really need advice, preferably from those who are married. A divorce would be ugly since we own property and have assets and a child to deal with.
     
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  2. Carl Emerson

    Carl Emerson Well-Known Member

    +2,307
    New Zealand
    Christian
    Married
    I would suggest getting legal advice and wrap around support and start the process rolling.
     
  3. Darkhorse

    Darkhorse just horsing around

    +3,131
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Married
    US-Republican
    I wish I could be encouraging...but I can't.

    Get a good lawyer.
     
  4. Deus Vult!

    Deus Vult! Member

    190
    +103
    United States
    Catholic
    Married
    I saw that you are a Christian. What makes us thus I think we could agree is by following the command of the Lord no matter the cost.
    Yes there is one exception in St. Matthew's Gospel that in the case of an adulterous husband/wife divorce is permissible. However in St. Mark's Gospel there is no exception. This when we would have to further turn to St. Paul in 1st. Corinthians or obviously the Teaching of the Catholic Church. I see that it only said "Christian" so I will assume then that the teaching of the Church is off the table for you. So let us then- from Scripture -entertain that we can justify your divorce based on his infidelity, fine. But you do know that there is nothing granting you the ability to remarry after that? Save only because he passes away, and so death parts you, or if because of his irreligion he wants to leave you. Here is the reference:
    1st Corinthians 7:10-15:
    "10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:

    11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

    12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

    13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

    14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

    15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace."
    In fact the entire chapter is concerning marriage. It is perhaps something that you should prayerfully read.

    I will say that my mother cheated on my father. This caused their divorce when I was just 1 year old. I just found out about this infidelity within 2 weeks ago and I am now 28. It's a sad thing. I went between two people that both found new partners, an absolute mess. But I will tell you that these things were seeds that were planted in me that caused me to rebel times ten the average kid my age. Turned to drugs, ran away from home, dropped out of high school, distrusted everyone, joined a gang, was shot by a shotgun and because of it my left leg below my knee was amputated. I was stabbed in my abdomen by a kitchen butcher knife and saw with my own eyes my intestines inflate out of my belly, the stabbing happened right next to my belly button. I swear this testimony is true. After all this I ended up going to prison for selling narcotics, eventually to an undercover cop. I don't know what to tell you other than follow the commands of the Lord and you will protect yourself and your child from potential irreparable harm.
    God Bless you though. I thought long and hard on what to say if I should at all. Ask Christ directly what you should do and sit in silence until you know the answer.
    Your Friend.
     
  5. Hotinco

    Hotinco Member

    63
    +61
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    There is a reason God permits divorce in the case of infidelity, it is very difficult to overcome in a relationship. This seems to be a problem for him and I can see you would be always waiting for the next one. While I always advocate counseling especially when children are involved, I think you have given it a valiant effort. Get a good lawyer and counselor, you will need someone to talk to and help you navigate all the emotions you will go through.
     
  6. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,187
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Sexual immorality (such as that you have described by your husband) is grounds for a Biblical divorce. I would pursue that. There is nothing here to save - sadly, since your child will be affected. However, your child will be affected worse by you staying in this marriage.

    See a good lawyer and include the child not being able to be around your MIL during your husband's visitation.

    Pay no heed to those poor people who advise that you are to be in bondage to the marriage (unable to remarry) for the rest of your life. That is far, FAR from the love and mercy shown to you by Christ himself when He gives you a clear and specific Biblical exception for sexual immorality.
     
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  7. Dawn123

    Dawn123 New Member

    3
    +1
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Thank you everyone. This is such a hard decision for me to make. My husband feels that since the physical cheating occurred prior to our actual wedding day, that he did not break the marital covenant and should be forgiven and therein lies the problem. I found out about it 6 months into our marriage.

    Im being pushed to forgive and was told by a church member "but that was so long ago." But its hard to forgive someone when their actions following the discoveries create further doubt of your ability to remain committed (the downloaded pictures).

    I am getting mixed guidance in my personal life and decided to seek outside guidance for a fresh perspective. Thank you sincerely for all of your advice.
     
  8. Dawn123

    Dawn123 New Member

    3
    +1
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Yes. This is it exactly. I feel I have spent everyday waiting for the next issue to arise. Its taking a toll on my physical health. I am in a state of anxiety all the time. Stuck in a state of trying to forgive, yet waiting for the next problem to arise. A miserable way to live.
     
  9. Deus Vult!

    Deus Vult! Member

    190
    +103
    United States
    Catholic
    Married
    Mark 10:9
    8. and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
    *You are permitted to divorce because of his infidelity. However you are bound to him until death.
    * The only other exception is the "Pauline Exception". This is only if the husband or the woman for religious reasons wants to divorce. It is permitted in this strict circumstance.
    * There is no exception anywhere in the New Testament though that would allow the divorced to re-marry. Jesus stated explicitly in
    Mt (19:8-9):
    7“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses order a man to give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 Jesus answered, “It was because of your hardness of heart that Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but it was not this way from the beginning. 9Now I tell you that whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman, commits adultery.”
    And so you are permitted to divorce in your circumstances, if in fact he committed adultery post marriage; I am sure your husband would say that his infidelity was from before your marriage and so he did not commit adultery at all.
    As immoral as saving naked pictures and all that is, that is till not adultery.
    But the point the Lord Himself and all the New Testament is making clear is that marriage is a Covenant. It is a binding that cannot be undone, save for adultery or the unbelief of the party that wishes to divorce the believer.
     
  10. Steve97

    Steve97 Active Member

    271
    +239
    Tajikistan
    Christian
    Married
    UK - SNP
    Wow. I am so sorry to read what you are going through. If he is willing to repent and change there is hope. If not, ask God for wisdom and prepare to end it.
     
  11. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,187
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    He doesn't get to decide your forgiveness. Only you can decide that, and only you know if you can move on or not. I feel a HIGH sense that he is unrepentant and unchanged for him to be using such language. Men who have cheated and are sorry have a whole different pattern of language. In your shoes I might wonder if he is still cheating, or if cheating (and expecting forgiveness) is cheap to him so he'd do it again. This language does not indicate he is a safe, committed husband for you.

    It was during your engagement period, and in my view, not much different, Biblically, from the marriage. It was fraudulent of him to have cheated and hidden it from you during what he was representing was a monogamous relationship, and to further that, during an engagement. And a serial cheat at that. He apparently thinks that because he was "just" a slimeball he should get away with it.

    However, saving the images, accessing them and downloading them is a reenactment of his cheating on you DURING your marriage. The bar is 'sexual immorality' and only you can define what sexual immorality rises to the level of disturbing your marriage. In your shoes -> married to an unrepentant serial cheater who is still accessing and viewing naked images of his other women -> this would meet my qualifier.

    Easy for her to say because she's not walking your path. When problems from things that were "so long ago" are cropping up into the present, then they are are in the here and now and were never put behind. Your clock starts when you found out. The Bible doesn't compel you to take him back - it leaves the choice with you.

    My instincts are that he is an unrepentant serial cheat who is still cheating on you. Look around quietly, without letting him know, to see if you can find out if he is still corresponding or communicating with other women. You can post at the forums at marriagebuilders.com for advice in how to effectively rule out whether or not he is still cheating on you. If you are of a mind to forgive and continue on in your marriage, before making that decision I would definitely get help from marriagebuilders to rule out ongoing affairs. I give it a high probability that he has continued minimally inappropriate behavior, possibly even further affairs while married to you.
     
  12. barefeetonholyground

    barefeetonholyground CF member for 15 years!

    +468
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    No no no no no no no no no no no no NO! Two issues here first the smaller and then the bigger issue.

    The smaller issue with this attitude is that you entered the marriage under false pretenses. If this was the main issue I would encourage for you to read Joshua 9 where Joshua entered the Israelites into a convenant of protection under false pretenses but the bigger issue comes into play.

    That is the attitude that adultery only applies to married people! Do you know one of the reasons why the Bible commands us to be sexually pure until marriage? It's practice for the marriage covenant. It's a message to your spouse that says "I was faithful to you before I even knew you so you can trust me to be faithful to you in all of our life together." It's a beautiful thing. He was unfaithful to you when he knew you and when he was pledged to be married to you. He was in no way honoring the marriage bed that was to come.

    This was further shown when he chose to once again dishonor your marriage bed by downloading naked pictures of these women to show coworkers. He was choosing to glorifying himself and shame you by showing disrespect for your marriage covenant. The kicker, doing things like this shows what's really going on in his head.

    The standards of Jesus are much higher than ours. Jesus doesn't just tell us not to murder, he tells us that hate is the same as murder. He takes the command of not to commit adultery and tells us that lust is the same. In both of these instances the point is the same. The difference between lust/hate and adultery/murder is the former is kept in our heads where we don't have to suffer the physical consequences. Like in that movie Phone Booth where Kiefer Sutherland says to Colin Farrell: "What they don't know, we do to them in our minds, isn't that right?"

    Most churches today would see this as adultery, even if it occurred before marriage. Especially as their definition has expanded beyond an actual sexual encounter. I'll end this post by echoing what others are saying: get a lawyer.
     
  13. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

    +1,969
    Christian
    Married
    Forgiveness is for you - not him. He is using this to manipulate the circumstances. Lack of forgiveness is what eats people up, and allowing themselves to marinate in it just ruins their lives. Forgiveness is for your internal peace, and not a 'I'm excused' card for him.

    That's not to say that forgiveness doesn't help heal relationships, etc. That's not to say it doesn't help in many other parts of life. It most certainly does, but there is something that bible asks from him too.

    The bible asks from him to be contrite. Contrition is the state of remorse, and showing it. It's not making excuses for your behavior, and then throwing in the forgiveness card like a cherry on top. Contrition is the first step, and actions are the follow up. He is way off base here, and your church member is an enabler. Maybe they are able to turn a blind eye, but that is not what the bible calls for.

    Contrition isn't hurry up I'm getting impatience here waiting for you to get over it. It's owning it, and turning your life around...and dealing with the fallout. He broke the trust that was there, and isn't brave enough to own it. He may not be capable of it. That's not your issue - it's his to fix.

    I'll be praying for you for you both.
     
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  14. Mountainmanbob

    Mountainmanbob Goat Whisperer Supporter

    +9,010
    United States
    Calvinist
    Married
    US-Republican
    Maybe long term Christian counseling for the two of you -- if both are willing.

    I think local Pastors or Elders to be best
    and usually no charge.

    If it all don't work out
    dividing property and things is rough
    but, most all get through it.

    M-Bob
     
  15. iLove

    iLove Newbie

    343
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    Unless the Believers Faith is placed and maintained exclusively in Christ and the Finished Work at Calvary Cross (The Blood of Jesus) where the victory was won, the works of the flesh will manifest (the sin nature) - Galatians 5:19-21. The Believer must enter into sanctification or else the Law of sin and death will reign and rule in everything you do.

    Righteousness cannot come by the law, by our own efforts, our own abilities, or by anything that man devise. It can only come by and through what Christ did for us at the Cross and our faith in that finished work, which then guarantees the help of the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:2, Galatians 2:20-21
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2020
  16. iLove

    iLove Newbie

    343
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    The Believers Full Armor is being in Christ (Rom, 6:3-5). The Believer can only abide in Christ by Faith placed and maintained exclusively in Christ and the Finished Work at Calvary Cross. No other enticing religious disciplines that appeals to the flesh is needed. Concerning this Revelation 12:11 says:

    “11 And they overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb (the power to overcome and overwhelm the Kingdom of Satan is found exclusively in the Blood of the Sacrifice of the Son of God, and our Faith in that Finished Work [Rom. 6:3-5, 11, 14]), and by the word of their testimony (the “testimony” must pertain to the fact that the Object of our Faith is the Cross, and exclusively the Cross, which then gives the Holy Spirit latitude to work within our lives); and they loved not their lives unto the death. (This refers to the fact that the Believer must not change his testimony regarding the Cross to something else, even if it means death.)” JSM

    As I have stated over and over again, it is the Cross, the Cross! When we speak of the Cross for the solution and answer for all things, we are speaking about "The Blood of Jesus!"

    Praise God, Praise God!!!!!! Glory to the Lamb of God!!!!!!!
     
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