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Need advice about relationships...

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by J0SHUA, Dec 1, 2015.

  1. J0SHUA

    J0SHUA

    671
    +50
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    I need help regarding the direction of my life... mostly my love life. I feel stuck in my past. I still have feelings from my last attempt at a relationship and time doesn't seem to have helped much, now that it's been a little over a year. She seemed to have moved on pretty quick so I think my feelings were more deep and serious. Unfortunately I am having problems moving on and I am trying to like other girls but I can't. It took a few months for me to start liking someone else and it was a meaningless lust-based type of attraction and I lost all interest. I'm still having this issue and I can't develop feelings for someone else. I'm not a cold-hearted, emotionless person. I have always been more of the sensitive type.

    I have been told at work that a coworker is interested in me, and she is cute and has a fun personality, yet the feelings just don't develop. Now I'm not sure what to do. She wants to go out with me but I just don't see things happening between us. It just feels so shallow and meaningless. I want the deep and intense romantic feelings that I had with the girl I haven't gotten over and I feel like I won't feel that again. I want to experience again that feeling of completion, peace, and quiet euphoria, but I can't see that being a possibility with anyone else (and it was real, not just a new-romance spark). It really brings me down when I feel that way and think of what could have been. So is it a matter of time for me to wait and be single until I eventually get over her, or do I need to try involving myself with someone else to try and develop feelings and move on? It seems unfair to her though and I don't want to use her.

    I've worked on and improved myself, greatly improved my mental health, pursued my hobbies, spent time with friends and family, all of that stuff that should help me get over her, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I still think of and worry about her and spend time thinking of times when we'd laugh. Sometimes it's shocking and hard to believe I lost that. I wish my brain could function normally and let me move on, but such is life for now...

    If anyone has advise for me, I'd appreciate it and I am open-minded to your opinions :) I've been over this issue with a therapist and she just wasn't helpful so I don't see her anymore. So I am praying and trying to make the best out of things. I sometimes get a sinking feeling in my chest from this and feel too sick to eat or sleep (current situation). It's tough to work with and I don't really have anyone I want to discuss this with, so I really need someone to discuss this with me. I am sorry if I sound dramatic, but I can't help but feel this way. Has anyone else been through this same thing? Okay... God bless you all :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2015
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  2. Fortran

    Fortran Newbie

    +228
    Christian
    Single
    Personally, I would encourage you to at least "go out" with your co-worker or another women. Obviously, if you truly do not see this lady as someone you would potentially spend the rest of your life with after a few dates, do not let even the pretense of a genuine relationship develop, but I do not think a few outings have much potential for hurt feelings.

    Obviously, a married individual would be better equipped to advise you, but my personal opinion is this: feelings, even those that seem genuine and passionate, come and go. No one is going to be "madly in love" with their spouse for the duration of their life. A healthy relationship is work, not just "play". As such, I do not think it is wise to base even the start of a relationship on feelings alone.

    Is she a devoted servant of Christ? Does she possess any characteristics that, unless acknowledged or dealt with, have potential to cause serious relationship issues (severe jealousy, a flirtatious personality, etc.)? Are there other factors (family, location) that could prove problematic? To me, these are areas that must be addressed before emotions.

    I may be speaking a bit out of turn here as relationships are certainly not an area I am experienced in, but I hope this helps in some way. :)
     
  3. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,064
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Please dont use a woman just to get over another woman. We resent it when guys do that as if we are practise lovers for your eventual perfect ideal wife.

    I would advise read Proverbs as it has good advise for the kind of woman that God thinks is virtuous. Esp chapter 31. But she doesnt get that way if her husband is not also a God fearing man.

    Ask God for wisdom and He will direct your paths.
     
  4. J0SHUA

    J0SHUA

    671
    +50
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    That is what I thought. It doesn't seem right to me. It wouldn't really be practice though; it would be more of a short experiment to see what happens to my feelings. It's possible that I do feel something and can move on to be with her. That would be the ideal situation. But it's also possible my feelings for the girl I'm stuck on are too strong for it to happen (that is what I predict). I still feel it would be selfish though.

    Thanks for the suggestion, but the issue isn't quite not knowing what kind of person I want to be with. The problem is I found who I want to be with, it didn't work out, and now I feel stuck like I can't move on. I have waited a while now and things haven't gotten a lot better. So I'm wondering whether more time is the solution or if I'm better off trying to be with someone else, even though I don't want to. I once read that I might be stuck in this awful situation because she was the first person to have ever given me these strong feelings, and my brain associated her with love. I don't know if that's true. This is the first time in my life I've experienced this issue. If it is true, it would mean I would have to try being with someone else, as unappealing as it sounds.

    I definitely will continue to do that :)
     
  5. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,064
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Well maybe its God wants to change you and not the other person.
    Maybe you not ready just yet. Sometimes we need that single time to build our own character and faith.

    anyway try not to get too down. God wants what is best for you at the right time.
     
  6. J0SHUA

    J0SHUA

    671
    +50
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    Hmm, maybe. I will do my best.
     
  7. Avniel

    Avniel Doing my part each day by being the best me

    +390
    Pentecostal
    Married
    US-Democrat
    I was like that. Don't pity date or jump from relationship to relationship wait for someone that means something to you.
     
  8. BFine

    BFine Seed Planter

    +619
    Calvary Chapel
    Married
    Focus on your faith walk with the Lord....
    growing deeper in the faith.

    No need to push yourself to date...heal from
    the broken romance...lean into the Lord and
    ask Him to direct your steps.
     
  9. J0SHUA

    J0SHUA

    671
    +50
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    What if someone doesn't mean anything to me until I try something with a new person? That's my concern because like I said it's been a little over a year and though I'm starting to feel a bit happier, my feelings haven't changed and I haven't found someone who catches my interest the way she did. What did you do to fix this problem?
     
  10. J0SHUA

    J0SHUA

    671
    +50
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    That is what I'm trying to do. Unfortunately there isn't much healing happening.
     
  11. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,064
    Christian
    In Relationship
    It sounds like your heart has taken a battering. have you asked the Lord for a new heart??
    Place your hand on your heart and say a prayer like Lord my heart hurts create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
     
  12. J0SHUA

    J0SHUA

    671
    +50
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    That is a nice prayer. I will do that :)
     
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