Need advice about husband in bondage to sexual addiction

[Sasha37]

My husband suffers from sexual addiction. He refuses to get help or talk to anyone. He has had issues with inappropriate contentography, flirtation, his thought life, and masturbation. both his dad and brother have the same problems. His dad is in complete denial and always has been while his brother goes to a support group for it. About a year ago,my husband admitted to me that he has fantasies about having sex with other women and masturbates. He said it has nothing to do with me because he has done it since he was young. He also said there was more but that he didn't want to tell me all of it. I, of course, asked some questions which he didn't like and became uncomfortable about. One of my questions was...do you want to stop? His answer was...I can't answer that question. Not what I wanted to hear. Anyway, after a few similar questions, he shut down and told me he didn't want to talk about it anymore because I shouldn't be asking him all this stuff. He told me I couldn't bring it up with him again and not to talk to anyone else about it. So basically, I was to suffer in silence. I did that for awhile, and then I chose to confide in one person and told him about it. He didn't like that at all, of course, and was very angry. He now uses that as his reason for not confiding in me about anything related to any of this stuff. In addition to this, He also has passwords to Facebook and other email accounts that he keeps private from me which to me is the opposite of the kind of transparency that should be in a marriage relationship. Anyway, I have stayed with him despite what I know is going on and that he does not even desire to seek help. I worry for my sons and how this unconfessed and continual sin in his life will affect them. I believe in sins like that being passed down through generations. I feel very confused sometimes as to whether staying with him under these circumstances is giving it to God or actually enabling him. I want to do the right thing, but sometimes it is hard to know what that is.

 

[Niffer]

Has he ever cheated on you?
Has he spent money, used credit cards to buy inappropriate content online or otherwise?
How is your current sexual relationship? Are you having sex at all?
When you say 'addicted' about how many times a day/week is he masterbating to inappropriate content?

While inappropriate contentography can be a very serious addiction, what you're saying sounds more like he is watching inappropriate content, will continue to do so, and masterbating to it.
Clearly, he feels guilty, or he wouldn't have brought it up - and is clearly ashamed if he doesn't want to talk about it again.

If you wouldn't mind answering the above questions, I think I'd get a better 'feel' for your current situation.

Niff

 

[Sasha37]

Thanks for responding

He says he has never cheated on me and never would, but I already feel cheated on if you know what I mean. He used to have trouble with online inappropriate contentography, but I don't know if he still does. I don't think so, but he could be hiding it from me I guess. He has fantasies in his head is what he says and masturbates to that about imaginary women or women he knows. We have sex about once a month or so. He knows this makes it hard for me to have sex with him, so I don't think he is surprised. I really don't know how often he does it. If I watched him more closely, I would know the answer to that I guess, but I don't. Hope those answers help

 

[JanniGirl]

I am sorry for your situation. Chances are if he has private email accounts and is on facebook that he is also contacting women or men. Obviously he does feel bad about it . . . . but feeling bad while continuing to engage in these behaviors (inappropriate content, touching yourself, fantasy) is not enough.

My suggestion is that you talk to your husband about true recovery. Pure Life Ministries has sexual addiction support. There are also other resources that may be available in your town such as Celebrate Recovery.

Trust me when I tell you that this can destroy your marriage. Sin does that. Also, please know that these kinds of sins can be progressive. Now he's watching inappropriate content, fantasizing about people you know . . . . next it could be anonymous sexual encounters, prostitutes, or adultery with someone from work/church.

Private Message me, if you'd like. There are resources available.

I'll be praying for you both.

--Janni

 

[Anihilus]

You could email him links to these videos and leave it to him to watch it. I highly recommend the first one.


YouTube - Freedom from inappropriate contentography, James' Testimony

YouTube - Freedom from Masturbation and inappropriate contentography

YouTube - Is Masturbation a Sin? - Tim Conway

YouTube - Live Pure. Free from inappropriate contentography and Lustful Thoughts - Tim Conway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AP6cc2aBecE&feature=channel_video_title

The solution for this type of thing is not going to a marriage councilor but rather of going to Christ.

I was a slave of inappropriate contentography for years, as was the young man in the first video, and I can say it was because I was lost. I thought I was a Christian but I was not. I was trying to stop in my own strength, without the power of the Spirit but could not.

When the Son of Man set me free, I was free indeed. inappropriate contentography lost its tyrannical grip on me and the Lord began to radically change my thought life.

There is freedom in Christ and only He can set a man or woman free from any sin.

 

[citizenthom]

You're having sex with him once a month--and making him feel bad about it when you do--and you're surprised that he is masturbating, watching inappropriate content, and fantasizing about other women?

Your use of the red herring term "sex addiction" shows that you have a negative attitude toward sex. That needs to stop. There is no such thing as "sex addiction." There is inappropriate contentography addiction; there is unhealthy sexual attitudes; but the desire to have sex frequently--by which I mean daily or bi-daily--is 100% normal in adult human beings. And it is normal for people whose sexual needs are not being met to retreat to unhealthy sexual habits.

Start with your own actions and attitudes. Start trying to enjoy sex with your husband. Get "into it": initiate, dress up, talk to him about his fantasies and try to fulfill them. Getting your own attitude and actions right is a big part of helping him past his struggles.

If you're doing your marital duty enthusiastically and frequently and he's still doing the things you describe, then it may be time for counseling. But you've got to try to cut off this downward spiral on your end first.

 

[Niffer]

I am sorry for your situation. Chances are if he has private email accounts and is on facebook that he is also contacting women or men. Obviously he does feel bad about it . . . . but feeling bad while continuing to engage in these behaviors (inappropriate content, touching yourself, fantasy) is not enough.

My suggestion is that you talk to your husband about true recovery. Pure Life Ministries has sexual addiction support. There are also other resources that may be available in your town such as Celebrate Recovery.

Trust me when I tell you that this can destroy your marriage. Sin does that. Also, please know that these kinds of sins can be progressive. Now he's watching inappropriate content, fantasizing about people you know . . . . next it could be anonymous sexual encounters, prostitutes, or adultery with someone from work/church.

Private Message me, if you'd like. There are resources available.

I'll be praying for you both.

--Janni

Whoa, whoa. Those are HUUUUGE assumptions.
99% of people, men and women have looked at inappropriate content. The same percentage is true of those who have masterbated.
I think, to automatically assume that he will cheat or is cheating is simply way too judgemental.

I'm not saying there are not red flags - refusing to share passwords with your spose is one for sure.
However, some people feel the need for privacy more than others.

For example, I know Remi's passwords, but he gets offended if I just sign into his emails and dig around for no reason, other than my own nosiness.
I however, couldn't care less, and if he wants to poke around my emails/facebook, go for it.

I think it's understandable that the OP's husband has clamed up about his problem.
As soon as he brought it up, this problem was turned into this GIANT mountain, giant issue, wife backed off emotionally and physically - he feels guilty and ashamed, but if he talks about it, he gets treated like the most horrible of sinners.

In this forum to admit masterbating or viewing inappropriate content is like a death sentance and starts the "holier than thou's" like you wouldn't believe!

The man hasn't cheated, only has sex once a month, and yet because he masterbates (not even to inappropriate content!) - somehow we all know he's going to cheat and have an affair.

Amazing.

Guys, I really feel for you.
If I had a choice between masterbating or wet-dreams waking me up, embaressing me, and messing the sheets - I think I'd prefer too just do the former. *shakes head*

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[Niffer]

You're having sex with him once a month--and making him feel bad about it when you do--and you're surprised that he is masturbating, watching inappropriate content, and fantasizing about other women?

Your use of the red herring term "sex addiction" shows that you have a negative attitude toward sex. That needs to stop. There is no such thing as "sex addiction." There is inappropriate contentography addiction; there is unhealthy sexual attitudes; but the desire to have sex frequently--by which I mean daily or bi-daily--is 100% normal in adult human beings. And it is normal for people whose sexual needs are not being met to retreat to unhealthy sexual habits.

Start with your own actions and attitudes. Start trying to enjoy sex with your husband. Get "into it": initiate, dress up, talk to him about his fantasies and try to fulfill them. Getting your own attitude and actions right is a big part of helping him past his struggles.

If you're doing your marital duty enthusiastically and frequently and he's still doing the things you describe, then it may be time for counseling. But you've got to try to cut off this downward spiral on your end first.

 

[chaz345]

You're having sex with him once a month--and making him feel bad about it when you do--and you're surprised that he is masturbating, watching inappropriate content, and fantasizing about other women?

Your use of the red herring term "sex addiction" shows that you have a negative attitude toward sex. That needs to stop. There is no such thing as "sex addiction." There is inappropriate contentography addiction; there is unhealthy sexual attitudes; but the desire to have sex frequently--by which I mean daily or bi-daily--is 100% normal in adult human beings. And it is normal for people whose sexual needs are not being met to retreat to unhealthy sexual habits.

Start with your own actions and attitudes. Start trying to enjoy sex with your husband. Get "into it": initiate, dress up, talk to him about his fantasies and try to fulfill them. Getting your own attitude and actions right is a big part of helping him past his struggles.

If you're doing your marital duty enthusiastically and frequently and he's still doing the things you describe, then it may be time for counseling. But you've got to try to cut off this downward spiral on your end first.

This is, in my opinion, not good advice. He's been looking at inappropriate content and masturbating since long before they met or were married so the infrequent sex is not a cause. It's also a very commonly used justification by guys that don't really want to stop.

AFTER he's acknowledged that there's a problem, and is honestly working to get healed, I'd absolutely agree that very infrequent sex can make staying clean a lot harder. But at this point, no, the infrequent sex is a symptom, not a cause.

 

[citizenthom]

This is, in my opinion, not good advice. He's been looking at inappropriate content and masturbating since long before they met or were married so the infrequent sex is not a cause. It's also a very commonly used justification by guys that don't really want to stop.

AFTER he's acknowledged that there's a problem, and is honestly working to get healed, I'd absolutely agree that very infrequent sex can make staying clean a lot harder. But at this point, no, the infrequent sex is a symptom, not a cause.

Fundamental rule of marriage: you don't fix your spouse's misbehavior by shirking your own spousal duties. Your advice reminds me of men who refuse to speak kindly to their wives "unless she starts respecting me," or wives who refuse to respect their husbands "until he gets up off the couch and does Chore X." It just plain doesn't work, and it usually just exacerbates the problem.

Pleasing your spouse sexually as often as needed and possible is a fundamental duty in marriage, listed right there with "husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church." Withholding sex to try to influence your spouse's behavior is 100%, unequivocally wrong--not to mention horribly ineffective, as this young lady is already finding out.

 

[JanniGirl]

Sexual addiction is absolutely real. Don't let these guys tell you anything different. You know the truth. You live it every day that you stay with a person who would rather lust, touch, and fantasize about other women than you. You know what its done to your relationship, your self-esteem, and what it has also done to his relationship with you and your kids.

Try Pure Life Ministries -- they have a 12 step program for sexual addicts.

Sexual addiction is very much real. Separating anyone from their "drug" of choice is going to be difficult. And Chaz is right about one thing only, that your husband has to want to quit. Also, God is the answer -- willpower, good intentions, and the like will not do . . . . he's got to reach for God.

I am praying for you. You need to reach for God, too.

And don't feel bad about not wanting to have sex with someone who is cheating on you in their heart -- Bible says it plain and simple. It's infidelity.

 

[Niffer]

I don't remember anyone saying sexual addiction wasn't real.

Now we don't know about the OP's sex-life before her husband admitted to viewing inappropriate content, but sex once a month is hard for any man (and most women) to take.
Men, generally, are more sexual than women, if they don't get "release" their bodies do it itself when they are asleep.

Tell me, is a wet-dream a sin?

-Niff

 

[Sasha37]

Wow! Didn't mean to start an angry debate. Chaz345 is right in what he said. I came on here because I wanted advice for myself as well on how to handle this situation, not because I am trying to defend myself. I agree and don't agree with some of what was said here, and some I just don't know, but I also have a very open mind about being wrong in any way I may not be aware of. What I will not do, though, is to take responsiblity for choices my husband has made practically his whole life. Those are his choices alone. Nothing I do is going to get him healed. He has to decide that on his own. Lots of sex the answer? If only. His worst inappropriate content problem happened when we were doing just that. So I know that his problem does not hinge on my actions but rather his own choices. Thank you all for your responses. I really do appreciate them.

 

[Sasha37]

Thanks, JanniGirl. You must have a story of your own. You seem to understand what I'm going through.

 

[McScribe]

Wow! Didn't mean to start an angry debate. Chaz345 is right in what he said. I came on here because I wanted advice for myself as well on how to handle this situation, not because I am trying to defend myself. I agree and don't agree with some of what was said here, and some I just don't know, but I also have a very open mind about being wrong in any way I may not be aware of. What I will not do, though, is to take responsiblity for choices my husband has made practically his whole life. Those are his choices alone. Nothing I do is going to get him healed. He has to decide that on his own. Lots of sex the answer? If only. His worst inappropriate content problem happened when we were doing just that. So I know that his problem does not hinge on my actions but rather his own choices. Thank you all for your responses. I really do appreciate them.

I don't know if this will help at all, but I hope it will. First of all I see you standing strong in your faith, clear in your determination to be a good wife but not to tolerate immorality in your marriage.

One of the shocks to the system of a Christian wife I think is realizing how her husband has been affected by how the world teaches us about sex. All of us have in one way or another been perverted by something of the world's teachings, twisted from God's purposes. So it doesn't have to mean that your husband doesn't love you and respect you. And some of these teachings are really hard to overcome because they are deeply planted in our sense of human identity.

So this is a spiritual battle that lies ahead of you. One of the things you might try to consider doing is finding out if there is a way to encourage your husband to spiritually battle on your side against this. I encourage you as well to talk to Janni about resources, particularly ones you can share with your husband.

 

[Sasha37]

Thank you for that. I agree with you that this is a spiritual battle. If he wanted to get free from this, that would be enough for me. I just want him to want to. That's all, and I will do whatever it takes to help him. But this is the struggle. He won't talk, he won't get help. To ask him to battle this with me would be to ask him to let me in this area of his life, and so far, he has refused to to do that. But what you are saying is SO right. I just wish he would let go and let God in. So frustrating. I am going to pray about what you have said, though. Thank you!

 

[McScribe]

You're welcome...just remember it IS a battle. When I see addictions fought it is a FIGHT--there are not always results you might hope for or expect. There are few areas of shame that attack us more than our sexuality. Otherwise it will be easy to become discouraged. We all face that when we face our battles in this life. I'll stand in faith with you about this, I'm sure others will too.

 

[Sasha37]

What you said immediately opened my eyes to something huge. And I'm embarrassed to say I hadn't figured it out before now. No matter what he chooses, I can go into battle FOR him through just some really INTENSE prayer. If this is a battle like you say...I can fight it from the sidelines, right?? I'm going to choose to do that and see what God does next. Bless you!

 

[citizenthom]

And don't feel bad about not wanting to have sex with someone who is cheating on you in their heart -- Bible says it plain and simple. It's infidelity.

By your definition every man is unfaithful. Sexual temptation is something every mans struggles with, period. The fact that her husband is willing to talk to her about it at all puts him way ahead of the curve--and her punishing him for his honesty sexually is not even REMOTELY Biblical or effective. And your advice to keep depriving him, in total contravention of what the Bible prescribes, is only going to exacerbate the problem.

 

[citizenthom]

Wow! Didn't mean to start an angry debate. Chaz345 is right in what he said. I came on here because I wanted advice for myself as well on how to handle this situation, not because I am trying to defend myself. I agree and don't agree with some of what was said here, and some I just don't know, but I also have a very open mind about being wrong in any way I may not be aware of.

You have no need to "defend" yourself. What you have fallen into is quite typical behavior, and I do not fault you for falling into it. The people who are advising you to wreck your marriage by using sex as a weapon do need to defend themselves--and Biblically, they simply cannot.

The philosophy Chaz and Janni are preaching to you is, "two wrongs make a right." That's neither true nor Biblical.

What I will not do, though, is to take responsiblity for choices my husband has made practically his whole life. Those are his choices alone. Nothing I do is going to get him healed. He has to decide that on his own.

Nor do you have to take responsibility for his actions. But his wrongs do not excuse you from being his wife in every way the Bible prescribes. And just having you be a wife to him--as opposed to a mother or a schoolmaster--is a critical step to his getting better. It is not a sufficient answer, but it is a necessary factor.

Lots of sex the answer? If only.

I never said it was the answer: I said A.) it's your duty to him, and B.) depriving him is absolutely NOT the answer. I'm saying he is not going to get healthy if you continue to take away his only healthy sexual outlet, or if you do it only grudgingly and unwillingly.

I'd strongly recommend that you hit The Marriage Bed • Index page There are a LOT of couples on there who have struggled with this problem and can give you Biblical and useful perspectives on this problem. In the short time I've been surfing there I've seen more than a few couples go through exactly what you're going through and beat it--but not by a carrot-and-stick system in the bedroom.