- Aug 3, 2014
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My daughter scores high on the Psychopathy Scale. She likes to hurt people. But she chooses not to. If you ask her why, she will say that her mother taught her right from wrong.
All toddlers are completely selfish. It's perfectly normal. But what do you do when your child is no longer a toddler but is still that way? Still steals? Still lies through their teeth? Still manipulates? Scientific research shows that there is a large part of this that is part of their biology, that their brains don't feel pain the way normal individuals do, and subsequently they don't empathize.
But upbringing can exacerbate this, or minimize this.
My daughter has a lot of anger that messes with her biology. There is something wrong with her father (he never went in for counseling, so we don't know what it is) and he was unstable as a father, and after the divorce, he would repeatedly abandon her for a few years, and then come back for a while, abandon her, and then come back, and so on. She came to learn that those who "said they loved you" could not be depended on. Later on, when she was 10, she was raped at a friend's home, which really traumatized her -- the world was not safe.
On the other hand, her life at home was stable, especially her early years. She knows her mom will always stand by her no matter what. She was raised Catholic. It was taught in the home as well as in Catechism. I wanted a lot for my kids, like happiness, fulfillment, success etc. What mother doesn't? But the thing I wanted MOST was for them to be GOOD. Our home had very clear, concrete rules, and the reasons for them were discussed. I consistently followed through on consequences. We would sit in coffee shop and discuss how rules came from principles -- how not stealing was how we loved our neighbor as ourselves.
It didn't stop my daughter from stealing as a child, but it was sinking in. In many ways, it was making her think. She was starting to keep her hands and feet to herself. She had a basic desire to hurt other people, because she enjoyed watching their interesting response to it. But to start with, there were consequences. The school would suspend her. And then my own response was to have her scrubbing floors with a brush. But she was learning that if you wanted to be part of "the group" you must not hit.
My rule was this: You had better not EVER start a fight. But if someone started hitting you, DO fight them back, because you had worth and dignity and didn't deserve to be hit. And if you saw someone else being attacked, defend them. "Do not stand idly by you brother's blood." If you defended yourself or another, the school might suspend you for fighting, because they didn't understand, but I would reward you.
Well, my daughter heard the part about defending others, and did something interesting. For a small fee, like your lunch desert, she would beat up the bully that was routinely attacking you, and threaten further abuse if they returned to their mistreatment. Her reputation spread around the school, and it wasn't long before she was the quintessential sheriff of the school, making it a safe place for all students. I didn't find out about this until she was an adult. Had I known about it at the time, my only advice would have been that it was wrong to charge for it -- she should have done it for free.
But as she got older, into junior high school, it began to bother her that she enjoyed beating up the bullies so much. She realized that normal kids weren't like this. From watching TV and talking to other kids, she realized there were only two kinds of people that enjoyed hurting other people: people who were "weird about sex" and serial killers (you gotta love TV). She began to seriously wonder if she was becoming a serial killer.
She began to confess her violent fantasies regularly in confession, hoping this might make a difference. The very fact that she would do such a thing runs counter to psychopathy. A true sociopath would feel no need.
After high school, she entered the army, thinking it would give her a legitimate, honorable outlet for her violent inclinations.
But she wasn't able to deal with her Sargent's abusive tactics. Her mind obsessed over a thousand different ways to murder him, and the compulsion to act on the fantasies was getting stronger and stronger. In desperation, she went to the base psychiatrist and said to give her something to control this urge or she was likely going to follow through.
And that began her process of therapy, which she has now been in for years.
Do you realize that sociopaths don't go into therapy????? What a miracle this is? If you ask her, she will tell you that it was my teaching -- don't ever, EVER start a fight. It's wrong. She'll say, "I was a demon child, but you taught me right from wrong."
She doesn't hurt people, except those who want to spar in her martial arts. I know that if she ever saw someone attacked on the streets, instead of stopping to film it, she would step in and stop it. She no longer steals, although it will probably always be a temptation, as is the constant desire to find the short cut of quick money for little work. She still lies and manipulate, usually without realizing it. But that's what the counseling is for.
My daughter's biology, rape, and abandonment by her father primed her to be a murderer. She came very, very close. But her Catholic upbringing and moral teaching made a difference. It's worth something. It's worth a lot.
Raise up a child in the way in the way he should go, and when he is old, he shall not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
All toddlers are completely selfish. It's perfectly normal. But what do you do when your child is no longer a toddler but is still that way? Still steals? Still lies through their teeth? Still manipulates? Scientific research shows that there is a large part of this that is part of their biology, that their brains don't feel pain the way normal individuals do, and subsequently they don't empathize.
But upbringing can exacerbate this, or minimize this.
My daughter has a lot of anger that messes with her biology. There is something wrong with her father (he never went in for counseling, so we don't know what it is) and he was unstable as a father, and after the divorce, he would repeatedly abandon her for a few years, and then come back for a while, abandon her, and then come back, and so on. She came to learn that those who "said they loved you" could not be depended on. Later on, when she was 10, she was raped at a friend's home, which really traumatized her -- the world was not safe.
On the other hand, her life at home was stable, especially her early years. She knows her mom will always stand by her no matter what. She was raised Catholic. It was taught in the home as well as in Catechism. I wanted a lot for my kids, like happiness, fulfillment, success etc. What mother doesn't? But the thing I wanted MOST was for them to be GOOD. Our home had very clear, concrete rules, and the reasons for them were discussed. I consistently followed through on consequences. We would sit in coffee shop and discuss how rules came from principles -- how not stealing was how we loved our neighbor as ourselves.
It didn't stop my daughter from stealing as a child, but it was sinking in. In many ways, it was making her think. She was starting to keep her hands and feet to herself. She had a basic desire to hurt other people, because she enjoyed watching their interesting response to it. But to start with, there were consequences. The school would suspend her. And then my own response was to have her scrubbing floors with a brush. But she was learning that if you wanted to be part of "the group" you must not hit.
My rule was this: You had better not EVER start a fight. But if someone started hitting you, DO fight them back, because you had worth and dignity and didn't deserve to be hit. And if you saw someone else being attacked, defend them. "Do not stand idly by you brother's blood." If you defended yourself or another, the school might suspend you for fighting, because they didn't understand, but I would reward you.
Well, my daughter heard the part about defending others, and did something interesting. For a small fee, like your lunch desert, she would beat up the bully that was routinely attacking you, and threaten further abuse if they returned to their mistreatment. Her reputation spread around the school, and it wasn't long before she was the quintessential sheriff of the school, making it a safe place for all students. I didn't find out about this until she was an adult. Had I known about it at the time, my only advice would have been that it was wrong to charge for it -- she should have done it for free.
But as she got older, into junior high school, it began to bother her that she enjoyed beating up the bullies so much. She realized that normal kids weren't like this. From watching TV and talking to other kids, she realized there were only two kinds of people that enjoyed hurting other people: people who were "weird about sex" and serial killers (you gotta love TV). She began to seriously wonder if she was becoming a serial killer.
She began to confess her violent fantasies regularly in confession, hoping this might make a difference. The very fact that she would do such a thing runs counter to psychopathy. A true sociopath would feel no need.
After high school, she entered the army, thinking it would give her a legitimate, honorable outlet for her violent inclinations.
But she wasn't able to deal with her Sargent's abusive tactics. Her mind obsessed over a thousand different ways to murder him, and the compulsion to act on the fantasies was getting stronger and stronger. In desperation, she went to the base psychiatrist and said to give her something to control this urge or she was likely going to follow through.
And that began her process of therapy, which she has now been in for years.
Do you realize that sociopaths don't go into therapy????? What a miracle this is? If you ask her, she will tell you that it was my teaching -- don't ever, EVER start a fight. It's wrong. She'll say, "I was a demon child, but you taught me right from wrong."
She doesn't hurt people, except those who want to spar in her martial arts. I know that if she ever saw someone attacked on the streets, instead of stopping to film it, she would step in and stop it. She no longer steals, although it will probably always be a temptation, as is the constant desire to find the short cut of quick money for little work. She still lies and manipulate, usually without realizing it. But that's what the counseling is for.
My daughter's biology, rape, and abandonment by her father primed her to be a murderer. She came very, very close. But her Catholic upbringing and moral teaching made a difference. It's worth something. It's worth a lot.
Raise up a child in the way in the way he should go, and when he is old, he shall not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
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