My wife's values have changed and now we never agree on anything

[stizle]

So me and my wife have been married now for five years. Before we got married we were in agreement on almost everything, from spiritual tomorrow to social values. In the last five years three of her best friends have changed their viewpoints on political and social ideas. They are what I would call Christian liberal feminists. One has already gotten a divorce because of this, after only being married to her husband for one year and the other girl is quickly following suit. All they do is either bash their husbands or bash men in general when they all get together. Now from what I know my wife does not bash me when she is with them, but she is starting to take on a lot of their mindsets which are not debacle in anyway and very unhealthy for marriage. She is starting to refuse to do housework around the house and she hasn't cooked a meal for me in the last three months, sex is almost 0 and if it does happen it is once a month. She also quit her teaching job say it had become too stressful even though she went to college for five years to get this job and has only had it for two years. She was doing great at it, bringing in the same salary as me and had an excellent reading on her job performance. She now nannies full-time and dog sits at night. When we do connect all she wants to do is talk about how bad women have it today and black lives matter. She never cooks anymore, She never was around a clean, she works 12 hours a day by choice, we never have sex even though I initiate it, and all she ever wants to talk about is how bad the "minority's" of this country have it, which to be honest with you can become the most exhausting and tiring conversations one can half with their spouse. She has migraine headaches and has said that because of the medication she has to take, we're never going to be able to have kids because the side effects could cause complications in her body during pregnancy. I think she is doing this nanny job so she can have a "children" without ever really having them. Her brother-in-law just had an affair which is only further her disdain for men in general. I do not feel like I know this woman anymore, and I feel like she is purposely avoiding her duties as a wife and trying to get her personal needs met through other ways than in this family. I also feel like her friends have really poison her mind towards marriage, Christianity and men in general. This leaves me in a really precarious situation, since I am a very conservative Christian man and a husband who is not getting any of his needs met in this marriage. We are in marriage counseling now, but the couple that are counseling us seem to not even want to touch on the topic of what this feminist ideology is doing to my wife. The male counselor is very passive and submissive where is the wife is very dominant and bossy, so this topic is not even being touched upon for the fear of looking like it's misogynist or whatever. I am at a loss and I have discussed these issues with my wife but she denies all the reasons why I think she's doing these things, and has come up with some very intelligent answers for each one that leaves the argument at her clothes because they are not things I can refute...(health issues/anxiety disorder/identity confusion...etc etc.) where do I go from here? My dream was always to marry a conservative and traditional Christian wife, and I had married one, but now she has changed her values and now I have a liberal and progressive feminist wife!!!

 

[stizle]

There are some typos in this post because of my phone...so if it has a bizarre word here and there just omit it and fill in the blanks

 

[jsimms615]

So me and my wife have been married now for five years. Before we got married we were in agreement on almost everything, from spiritual tomorrow to social values. In the last five years three of her best friends have changed their viewpoints on political and social ideas. They are what I would call Christian liberal feminists. One has already gotten a divorce because of this, after only being married to her husband for one year and the other girl is quickly following suit. All they do is either bash their husbands or bash men in general when they all get together. Now from what I know my wife does not bash me when she is with them, but she is starting to take on a lot of their mindsets which are not debacle in anyway and very unhealthy for marriage. She is starting to refuse to do housework around the house and she hasn't cooked a meal for me in the last three months, sex is almost 0 and if it does happen it is once a month. She also quit her teaching job say it had become too stressful even though she went to college for five years to get this job and has only had it for two years. She was doing great at it, bringing in the same salary as me and had an excellent reading on her job performance. She now nannies full-time and dog sits at night. When we do connect all she wants to do is talk about how bad women have it today and black lives matter. She never cooks anymore, She never was around a clean, she works 12 hours a day by choice, we never have sex even though I initiate it, and all she ever wants to talk about is how bad the "minority's" of this country have it, which to be honest with you can become the most exhausting and tiring conversations one can half with their spouse. She has migraine headaches and has said that because of the medication she has to take, we're never going to be able to have kids because the side effects could cause complications in her body during pregnancy. I think she is doing this nanny job so she can have a "children" without ever really having them. Her brother-in-law just had an affair which is only further her disdain for men in general. I do not feel like I know this woman anymore, and I feel like she is purposely avoiding her duties as a wife and trying to get her personal needs met through other ways than in this family. I also feel like her friends have really poison her mind towards marriage, Christianity and men in general. This leaves me in a really precarious situation, since I am a very conservative Christian man and a husband who is not getting any of his needs met in this marriage. We are in marriage counseling now, but the couple that are counseling us seem to not even want to touch on the topic of what this feminist ideology is doing to my wife. The male counselor is very passive and submissive where is the wife is very dominant and bossy, so this topic is not even being touched upon for the fear of looking like it's misogynist or whatever. I am at a loss and I have discussed these issues with my wife but she denies all the reasons why I think she's doing these things, and has come up with some very intelligent answers for each one that leaves the argument at her clothes because they are not things I can refute...(health issues/anxiety disorder/identity confusion...etc etc.) where do I go from here? My dream was always to marry a conservative and traditional Christian wife, and I had married one, but now she has changed her values and now I have a liberal and progressive feminist wife!!!

Okay, so this might sound preachy, but since you asked for advice i am giving it to you. Trying to change someone else is one of the most frustrating and exhausting things that you can do. If that is where your going to focus your energy you are going to push her further away from you. Rather focus on yourself rather than her feministic liberal attitudes. The only person you can truly change is yourself. Everything else is an exercise in futility. You can pray for her that God would change her.
The other thing is with her job. I don't know why she left the teaching job. Maybe she worked it for a while and found out she hated it? I have done that with jobs before. I don't know what a nanny makes, but at least she is doing something.

 

[Jane_Doe]

If you want to preserve your marriage, then you need to come to love your wife, AS SHE IS. If all you want to do is dream about someone other girl (or version of her), then you're wanting a different marriage. Quit pointing fingers, that's just going to alienate her.

Work with her and ask HER what SHE thinks a a good marriage should look like. LISTEN to what she says. If it's a marriage where both people work together evenly, then work together evenly. BOTH of you cook, BOTH clean, etc.

 

[Northern Star]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm praying you for and your marriage. I understand it must be so frustrating and hard to deal with this. When a spouse has a drastic change in personality and values then I can understand that it might feel like "this isn't the person I married." Like the person above said, you cannot change someone else. Focus on yourself and seeking God first, because that will help put other things in perspective and balance. Be honest with your wife about how you feel, but be careful about how you phrase things, because I have a feeling she might get defensive and the conversation won't go anywhere and there will be no resolution. I personally would bring up how her friends seem to be having a negative impact on the marriage. She should put her marriage before her friendships. Work with her the best you can, and pray for her often. Focus on God and how God would want you to act towards her. I don't think He'd want you to be bitter against her or treat her poorly in any way. Regardless of how she treats you, don't lower yourself to acting in an ungodly way. It will be hard, but this isn't necessarily some impossible situation. Things can get better. It's good you're in counseling, but if you're unhappy with the counselors, then suggest going to a different one. If you're not being heard, they can't be very good counselors, so try to find someone else.

 

[Pappy&Me]

All good advice. I may add that sometimes it is best to give back the same far as attention goes. try to let her get lonely and just be nice. Keep praying.

 

[Acts2:38]

So me and my wife have been married now for five years. Before we got married we were in agreement on almost everything, from spiritual tomorrow to social values. In the last five years three of her best friends have changed their viewpoints on political and social ideas. They are what I would call Christian liberal feminists. One has already gotten a divorce because of this, after only being married to her husband for one year and the other girl is quickly following suit. All they do is either bash their husbands or bash men in general when they all get together. Now from what I know my wife does not bash me when she is with them, but she is starting to take on a lot of their mindsets which are not debacle in anyway and very unhealthy for marriage. She is starting to refuse to do housework around the house and she hasn't cooked a meal for me in the last three months, sex is almost 0 and if it does happen it is once a month. She also quit her teaching job say it had become too stressful even though she went to college for five years to get this job and has only had it for two years. She was doing great at it, bringing in the same salary as me and had an excellent reading on her job performance. She now nannies full-time and dog sits at night. When we do connect all she wants to do is talk about how bad women have it today and black lives matter. She never cooks anymore, She never was around a clean, she works 12 hours a day by choice, we never have sex even though I initiate it, and all she ever wants to talk about is how bad the "minority's" of this country have it, which to be honest with you can become the most exhausting and tiring conversations one can half with their spouse. She has migraine headaches and has said that because of the medication she has to take, we're never going to be able to have kids because the side effects could cause complications in her body during pregnancy. I think she is doing this nanny job so she can have a "children" without ever really having them. Her brother-in-law just had an affair which is only further her disdain for men in general. I do not feel like I know this woman anymore, and I feel like she is purposely avoiding her duties as a wife and trying to get her personal needs met through other ways than in this family. I also feel like her friends have really poison her mind towards marriage, Christianity and men in general. This leaves me in a really precarious situation, since I am a very conservative Christian man and a husband who is not getting any of his needs met in this marriage. We are in marriage counseling now, but the couple that are counseling us seem to not even want to touch on the topic of what this feminist ideology is doing to my wife. The male counselor is very passive and submissive where is the wife is very dominant and bossy, so this topic is not even being touched upon for the fear of looking like it's misogynist or whatever. I am at a loss and I have discussed these issues with my wife but she denies all the reasons why I think she's doing these things, and has come up with some very intelligent answers for each one that leaves the argument at her clothes because they are not things I can refute...(health issues/anxiety disorder/identity confusion...etc etc.) where do I go from here? My dream was always to marry a conservative and traditional Christian wife, and I had married one, but now she has changed her values and now I have a liberal and progressive feminist wife!!!

Hello friend and my deepest sympathy to your predicament and hardship.

First off, I wish to quote this scripture for you specifically, no matter what happens, 1 Corinthians 10:13. No matter what happens, keep God close because He always has a way out for you.

I too am a man married for 5 years now. She started out as how you describe what you are going through now. The mere mention of "what a women needs to do" type scenario would set her off bad. She never knew about God really growing up in an atheist environment and I was a counterfeit Christian that knew a God existed.

I've mentioned God to her before and she had a strong interest in finding out more. She was actually the one that got ME on track with her desire to learn more. Through her desire to learn more, she eventually came to learn of Jesus and get closer to the truth of things. Her study and discussions brought her and I to obey the gospel and "put on Christ" Galatians 3:27; Romans 6:1-5.

She slowly but surely dropped one by one the liberal mindset and feminist views. In order to follow God and the salvation that Jesus presented us, one would have to drop the liberal act. This is the main point of what I am getting across.

Study the bible with your wife. Find a scriptural church that follows what scripture says in context. Study with them every time they assemble. Ours meets 3 times on Sunday, once Monday night, and once Wednesday night. Read the Strong's concordance that show you the Greek (NT) and Hebrew (OT-about 6 verses in all the OT are Aramaic) to all the verses you read.

The bible, when read in context, will naturally refute a liberal mindset. One will either be forced to twist scripture to their liking or fall in line with scripture.

My wife has studied with me countless times, attends every chance we can with the congregation, and actually does the best she can to apply what shes learned. She does this because of scripture like this, John 14:15 and John 15:14. She sees scripture that boldly claims 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9. Her love for Christ will surely have her obey what is commanded in scripture.

I don't know how you both conduct yourselves for Christ and being Christians other than the liberal mindset for her and your word of you being conservative. I do know that study in the bible will produce all you both need to know. The bible is our instruction manual to life. It tells everyone how to become a Christian, how to conduct ourselves, how to be loving, how to be husbands/wives, everything we need to know.

If one loves Christ, one will obey what the gospel commands of us. The key is study, study, study. Study with her. Don't change her yourself, let the bible tell her what is needed and she will either accept it or not. Accepting scripture you will eventually come to common ground and closer together. If she doesn't accept it, then work out common ground between each other. Ask questions, even difficult ones. Find out what makes each other tick. Have a serious question/answer discussion on what each other are thinking, wish for, short goals, long goals, everything. Do the discussion in love and compassion though and not heated and contempt like. If you feel it is getting heated even an ounce, stop, calm down, give a hug even, and suggest to continue the talk later.

 

[Dave-W]

As a friend of mine once said: Free will sucks sometimes.

 

[JRichard68]

One can spend a lot of time focused on values, and where they differ with our spouse. It's a mistake I've made that I regret. If that's where your mind is at (and it appears so from your OP), then those things will be magnified until it's all you see. But it's rare that spouses will experience such a chasm in values that they have none in common any longer. So it may help, first, to examine your values, and have your wife examine hers.

You said you were in counselling? Bring it up with the counselors. See if the can do a 'values inventory' with both of you - one that examines the foundational values/ethics that are important to both of you. These can be family, security, spirituality/religion, financial stability, etc. When these inventories are completed,the counselors can review them with both of you to see where you both agree - that is, where you are on the "same page" with one another, and where there are differences - where each of you might value one thing above another.

Having this sort of 'mediated' discussion might help to see why these values are so important for her, and why yours are so important for you. In the end, it may not change what she values in life, or what you do, but can help to understand and appreciate the "why" of it all

 

[akmom]

I don't think the switch from teacher to nanny is a "feminist" move. It's just a career change. Is there a change in income that bothers you? Or did you value her identity as a teacher in particular?

Cooking and cleaning aren't traditional values. They are chores. Clearly they are chores you don't like to do, and it sounds like she doesn't like them either. It's pretty common for both parties in a marriage to hate chores! With two incomes, perhaps you can budget for maid service. Or divide the chores deliberately so that you both feel you are contributing equally and don't feel resentment.

If your idea of traditional values is having a wife who handles all the mundane work, takes care of you, and also matches your income... well it's not terribly surprising that she has been drawn into feminism. It sounds like you simply value having everything your way, and you are disappointed that your wife has not stayed on board. Perhaps you should really look at what you are asking, and whether you are contributing to her expectations in equal measure. You may even find she takes these initiatives for you when you first acknowledge her needs.

I've been married 12 years and ours started out this way too. I say, worry less about your marriage philosophy (traditional or feminist or whatever), and look at yourselves as individuals. You may think you know what a traditional marriage should look like, but I don't think these marriages are ever quite what people go in expecting. What do *you* really need? What does *she* really need (not what you thought she needed 5 years ago, or what you think she should need). What can you learn to live without? Is it the end of the world if she isn't your personal chef? Can you adapt to that? Maybe there are some things that aren't easy to give up. If you really wanted children, now would be a good time to figure out if she does. If she doesn't want them, then it has nothing to do with migraine medication. If she does, then maybe it's time to speak with a physician about your options. Be specific. "Traditional values" is not specific, and there's probably a reason she abandoned that model. (And it might not just be her friends.)

 

[OK Jeff]

I read all the above posts and every one is right on. All I'll say is OPEN COMMUNICATION!!! Can't be too open. The values topic can be hard to discuss without being misunderstood. It's doubly difficult with her mind being polluted by these liberal feminists. So step softly, choose your words carefully.