My wife's past

[curty]

Hi all,
I love my wife with all my heart and am determined to make it work but it's been 4 years and I still struggle with the fact that I was a virgin when we got married but she had sex hundreds of times with about 8 people before me.
I'm especially jealous of the first one. She was 16, more attractive, more energetic, sex was new and there was the added thrill of it being rebellious so I imagine that made it more exciting. They had sex 2 or 3 times a week for 5 years. With me I'm lucky if it happens 2 or 3 times a month. These days she has much more stress, much less energy and uses it in her job, spending time with friends and other interests and most days she has none left for me.
She's excited about her job, travelling, making the house look nice and buying things and I help with these things every day in whatever way I can but sex is so far down her list I go without far too often.
When it does happen it's the last thing we do at around midnight or even later which tells me it's her lowest priority and 9 times out of ten she just lies there and I do all the work.
I've told her all of this so many times and nothing has changed so now I keep quiet because if I say something it will likely lead to a fight which will guarantee sex will not happen that night.
I've kept on loving and being patient but I wonder if I should make a stand but then again I don't want her having sex with me because she feels she has to. I want her to want to.
Please pray for us and let me know if you have any great ideas.

 

[DZoolander]

To be honest, unless she kept her sexual past a secret before she married you, you need to knock it off. Assuming she let you know before you got married, and likely even before you got engaged, did her past bother you then? Did you think that it was going to stop bothering you? Or did you somehow think that you were just going to be having such copious amounts of sex that you would leave everyone else in the dust and would therefore not care?

What exactly did you see happening coming into it?

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Hi all,
I love my wife with all my heart and am determined to make it work but it's been 4 years and I still struggle with the fact that I was a virgin when we got married but she had sex hundreds of times with about 8 people before me.
I'm especially jealous of the first one. She was 16, more attractive, more energetic, sex was new and there was the added thrill of it being rebellious so I imagine that made it more exciting. They had sex 2 or 3 times a week for 5 years. With me I'm lucky if it happens 2 or 3 times a month. These days she has much more stress, much less energy and uses it in her job, spending time with friends and other interests and most days she has none left for me.
She's excited about her job, travelling, making the house look nice and buying things and I help with these things every day in whatever way I can but sex is so far down her list I go without far too often.
When it does happen it's the last thing we do at around midnight or even later which tells me it's her lowest priority and 9 times out of ten she just lies there and I do all the work.
I've told her all of this so many times and nothing has changed so now I keep quiet because if I say something it will likely lead to a fight which will guarantee sex will not happen that night.
I've kept on loving and being patient but I wonder if I should make a stand but then again I don't want her having sex with me because she feels she has to. I want her to want to.
Please pray for us and let me know if you have any great ideas.

As we get older it gets to be more routine but, especially for the man's health (prostate) should be regular.

I remember many years ago a guy at work said that he and his wife had set days for sex. At the time I thought that to be ridiculous but, now in my older age it makes sense. Saturday mornings are pretty much set in stone around here. Sex is very important to keep a marriage running smoothly, once a week at least.

Oh yes -- work on putting her past behind you two. Devil loves that unrest.

M-Bob

 

[snoochface]

Is your problem about:

1) Her past?
or
2) Not having enough sex?

If it's about her past, you need to get over it. Jesus forgives us for our past sins - yours, too. We are not higher than Jesus, that he can forgive, but we can hold on to our anger and resentment just a little bit longer than him.

If it's about not having enough sex, then don't co-mingle that in with a discussion about her past.

Because honestly, you sound jealous, and if I were your wife, I would feel like you could not be trusted with my deepest secrets because you will use them against me, feel resentment toward me for all the crazy sex I had as a teenager that you didn't get to have because you were a good boy and I was a bad girl, and trust me -- that would make you the last person I would want to feel the vulnerability of physical intimacy with.

 

[Guy Incognito]

Is your problem about:

1) Her past?
or
2) Not having enough sex?

If it's about her past, you need to get over it. Jesus forgives us for our past sins - yours, too. We are not higher than Jesus, that he can forgive, but we can hold on to our anger and resentment just a little bit longer than him.

If it's about not having enough sex, then don't co-mingle that in with a discussion about her past.

Because honestly, you sound jealous, and if I were your wife, I would feel like you could not be trusted with my deepest secrets because you will use them against me, feel resentment toward me for all the crazy sex I had as a teenager that you didn't get to have because you were a good boy and I was a bad girl, and trust me -- that would make you the last person I would want to feel the vulnerability of physical intimacy with.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

feel resentment toward me for all the crazy sex I had as a teenager that you didn't get to have because you were a good boy and I was a bad girl, and trust me -- that would make you the last person I would want to feel the vulnerability of physical intimacy with.

Hopefully his wife does not have the same thoughts?
M-Bob

 

[barefeetonholyground]

What a lot of other members here said.
If she told you before she married you then you knew exactly what you were getting into and need to get over it.
That being said, I do think you need to see someone over the fact that you're not having nearly enough sex.
I understand that most couples go through phases where regular interaction doesn't really happen but 2-3 times a month as the norm has got to be a struggle for both of you.
My husband and I have a rule: unless there's something medical going on (me recovering for giving birth, his pain from his Crohn's being too bad, etc) we are not allowed to say no to one another.
It's our understanding of 1 Corinthians 7:4--we're obligated to take care of one another and meet each other's needs.
It sounds like you don't feel like your basic sexual needs are being met and that needs to be a priority for her.
See a counselor, preferably a pastor.
This could lead to bigger problems later on and it sounds like it's starting to go there already.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

My wife did a lot of heavy dating before we met and of course I did to not proud of it.

We don't dwell on the past that usually never does good in a marriage.

Counseling helps some so as to Let It Go Christian Counseling recommended.

M-Bob

 

[barefeetonholyground]

Counseling helps some so as to Let It Go Christian Counseling recommended.

M-Bob

I have not heard of this.
Please send me more information.
This sounds like something a LOT of married couples could benefit from.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

I have not heard of this.
Please send me more information.
This sounds like something a LOT of married couples could benefit from.

When I was running amok many years ago my wife set us up with free Christian Counseling at a local church and it was not at the church we attended sure did help going straight to the scriptures with a good man of God.
M-Bob

 

[Guy Incognito]

I can't really add much to this - it's all been addressed.

If you're jealous and upset about what your wife used to do, you need to pray about it, let it go, and forgive her (as you would if she had wronged you). You need to do this period, but especially if you knew of this stuff before getting engaged/married. I told my wife of my past sins (and marriage-bed desires/fetishes/kinks) before we got engaged - if any of it was too much/not something she could get past, then we could have ended things. Praise the Lord, that wasn't an issue for her.

If it's lack of sex - there are many Christian sex blogs that contain posts about sexual frequency that you could share with her to get the subject going. And ofcourse, consider pastoral counselling.

 

[curty]

Is your problem about:

1) Her past?
or
2) Not having enough sex?

If it's about her past, you need to get over it. Jesus forgives us for our past sins - yours, too. We are not higher than Jesus, that he can forgive, but we can hold on to our anger and resentment just a little bit longer than him.

If it's about not having enough sex, then don't co-mingle that in with a discussion about her past.

Because honestly, you sound jealous, and if I were your wife, I would feel like you could not be trusted with my deepest secrets because you will use them against me, feel resentment toward me for all the crazy sex I had as a teenager that you didn't get to have because you were a good boy and I was a bad girl, and trust me -- that would make you the last person I would want to feel the vulnerability of physical intimacy with.

The two are clearly connected. Had she waited as I did sex would be 1 intrinsically connected to me and 2 a new, exciting and uniquely powerful expression of her lifelong commitment to me. Instead she doesn't seem to think what she did was wrong or see sex as particularly meaningful. I'm convinced the frequency would not be an issue were there no history.

 

[curty]

I can't really add much to this - it's all been addressed.

If you're jealous and upset about what your wife used to do, you need to pray about it, let it go, and forgive her (as you would if she had wronged you). You need to do this period, but especially if you knew of this stuff before getting engaged/married. I told my wife of my past sins (and marriage-bed desires/fetishes/kinks) before we got engaged - if any of it was too much/not something she could get past, then we could have ended things. Praise the Lord, that wasn't an issue for her.

If it's lack of sex - there are many Christian sex blogs that contain posts about sexual frequency that you could share with her to get the subject going. And ofcourse, consider pastoral counselling.

Thanks Guy. I know I need to get over it and forgive. It's proving much more difficult than I had anticipated. I was hoping to hear from someone who has come through the other side. How long did it take, what helped and what didn't? Do you fight the thoughts when they come? Do they ever stop? Things like that.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

I was hoping to hear from someone who has come through the other side. How long did it take, what helped and what didn't? Do you fight the thoughts when they come? Do they ever stop? Things like that.

Well, not coming from the other side but I have been in a similar situation.
I had a pretty liberal sexual history compared to him (he had only been with one woman ever.)
He claimed to forgive me but he brought it up constantly.
He would say things to me like, "Baby you're so beautiful I don't know why you would ever feel so bad about yourself that you would do something like that."
He would make me feel guilty over things God forgave me for all the while telling me he loved me and wouldn't treat me that way.
We broke up eventually, for different reasons.
He continued to not move on and even called me dirty names after we broke up.
All the while claiming I had sex with other guys (many of them one night stands) because I had no respect for myself and that the other men in my life (including my father) didn't respect me either. At least not the way he did.
It's a dirty trap, and it may take awhile.
All I can say is that if you never do, what I dealt with for almost a year could become your life.
Talk to your pastor. It's his job to look out for his congregation.

 

[Deidre32]

The two are clearly connected. Had she waited as I did sex would be 1 intrinsically connected to me and 2 a new, exciting and uniquely powerful expression of her lifelong commitment to me. Instead she doesn't seem to think what she did was wrong or see sex as particularly meaningful. I'm convinced the frequency would not be an issue were there no history.

If it was a problem, why did you marry her?

 

[Guy Incognito]

Thanks Guy. I know I need to get over it and forgive. It's proving much more difficult than I had anticipated. I was hoping to hear from someone who has come through the other side. How long did it take, what helped and what didn't? Do you fight the thoughts when they come? Do they ever stop? Things like that.

I don't have much experience in this area, but here are my two cents. Fight it when they come - pray over the thoughts, hand them to the Lord, and pray for your spouse - and thank the Lord for her. And then force yourself to focus on and look for all the ways the Lord blesses you through her - focus on the good man.

The two are clearly connected. Had she waited as I did sex would be 1 intrinsically connected to me and 2 a new, exciting and uniquely powerful expression of her lifelong commitment to me. Instead she doesn't seem to think what she did was wrong or see sex as particularly meaningful. I'm convinced the frequency would not be an issue were there no history.

There is, quite frankly, no guarantee of that. There are many people who have saved themselves for each other who don't have sex frequently - as there are combos of people who haven't and have waited who don't have frequent sex - as there are those where both partners had sexual pasts who don't have sex frequently.

 

[mama2one]

curty, ask God to help you forgive & heal your hurt

 

[PeachieKeen]

I'm in a similar boat with the whole history thing. I never had been with a guy in any sexual capacity, never had a long relationship before, never saw inappropriate content or any naked male... Just worked super hard to guard my heart for my future husband.

The husband I got had been in 3 long relationships, was very sexually active, and had also done ALL the inappropriate content. It made me feel awful... Still makes me feel awful. Anyone here saying that's not forgiving of you is being foolish. Choosing to forgive doesn't banish hurt and insecurity. It doesn't keep you from wondering how you compare or feeling so unspecial.

I think the advice to pray about it is a little crummy and dismissive. I don't think God is going to purge you from remembering or caring. God doesn't want you to helplessly rely on him, he wants you to take an active role with the talents and brains he gave you.

So here's my advice as someone who is going through it- don't let yourself think about it. Your mind will wander there naturally at times, but you have to consciously choose to think of other things because thinking of this thing only hurts you. Sometimes lean on your wife and let her comfort you. I don't think it's too much to ask for my husband to reassure me at times when I'm down because of his past haunting me- I need him to tell me sometimes that it's not the same, that I am special, that he would take it back if he could. I try not to approach him in anger in these times because he is forgiven. But I CAN come to him in sadness and vulnerability and ask for him to help me through it.

But the big thing is don't allow your mind to stay on those thoughts. They can really burn a hole in your heart and it can't be changed.

 

[Paidiske]

I'm convinced the frequency would not be an issue were there no history.

There is, quite frankly, no guarantee of that. There are many people who have saved themselves for each other who don't have sex frequently - as there are combos of people who haven't and have waited who don't have frequent sex - as there are those where both partners had sexual pasts who don't have sex frequently.

I agree with Guy Incognito. People's levels of libido change naturally over a lifetime, and if your wife's first time had been on your wedding night, you might have found frequency to be exactly the same as it is now. (I note you don't say anything about children, but if you have any, that too is a complete game changer).

I would say you can't change the past; you can work on the present (and your future). So work on your relationship now and see how much things can improve.

 

[curty]

Thanks Peachie, unfortunately when I raised this before we got married, although I was delicate, (at least I thought so) she was extremely hurt saying I made her feel like s@#t for what she had done. I barely scratched the surface and got such a backlash that I bottled it all up and have never said 90% of how it makes me feel.
I can't lean on her as she was so upset and made no attempt to see it from my point of view back when I first tried to talk to her about it. She's come a long way in the 4 years since then and may be more open to hearing me now but once bitten twice shy.