My wife's girl-friends

[snapdragon117]

At the time when we got married, my wife had a single girl-friend called Jane. As a single man looking in, it seemed like any other relationship that a woman would have with another woman. However shortly after we were married, I began to see that this relationship was, in my view, unhealthy as my wife would spend significant time with Jane during the week visiting/ phoning/ writing letters. When I challenged my wife about this, she felt this was all quite innocent and normal. When Jane moved away or met a young man (I can’t remember which), my wife developed a new, and to my mind, equally intense relationship with Charlie, and then later still to another woman called Sue. Sue came to live with us not long after my wife formed a friendship with her, partly as a means to help us out with the mortgage as things at that time were very tight financially and we related well together. However, my wife seemed to have a fixation with Sue: she would leap out of bed to greet Sue when she returned home late at the end of the day or at the weekends she would visit Sue in her bedroom early in the morning.

Whenever I expressed concern about this and the earlier relationships, my wife was totally dismissive of any impropriety. However, one day, my wife touched Sue in an inappropriate way (I subsequently learned), and Sue was greatly distressed. Sue was receiving counselling at that time for some apparently unrelated issue and she mentioned this incident to her counsellor. She advised Sue to write to our Church pastor’s wife about this, which she did. The pastor’s wife interviewed my wife & I together, and she challenged my wife that she had wanted a physical relationship with Sue, and after some time denying it, she eventually admitted to this. I was shocked, but not overly surprised.

Sue left our house soon after, but my wife soon had a new single girl-friend called Celia with whom she had a close relationship until we left that city. This relationship was intense much like the others, although this had no physical aspect. When I expressed my misgivings about this relationship, my wife would say that she had learnt from the earlier experience with Sue, and there was nothing to worry about.

All that was some years ago, and although there have been periods when my wife has not had what I would term an “emotional affair”, a new relationship sprang up a year ago with my wife investing significant time with her latest “friend”. Last month alone, she spent 800 phone texts plus phone calls, numerous e-mails and some evenings Facebook-ing her.

In case you may think I may be exaggerating the issue, I should add that my wife’s latest friend’s husband is also very unhappy with the relationship his wife is having with mine, to such an extent that he cannot even acknowledge my wife when they happen to meet.

On occasion, I have intercepted some e-mails from my wife to this latest friend, and they read much like a boyfriend might send to a girlfriend – although without any sexual content.

Any challenge from me about the intensity of the relationship meets a frosty response that I don’t trust her, and that she is looking for affirmation from me, but she still fails to see that these relationships are harming our relationship and to my mind are way over the top…..

I have no problem with my wife having her own circle of friends, but the exclusion of developing a relationship as a couple is a great source of pain/ frustration/ unhappiness. Friends at church are bemused that my wife is so aloof with me, and one couple, recognizing our differences, say we are like Nitro & Glycerine - good in their own right, but an explosive mixture were we to co-operate together.

I find it incredibly sad that my wife desires (with the best possible spin) meaningful relationships with women, and yet seems so distant and dismissive of a “one flesh” relationship with me.

Any ideas or suggestions PLEASE?

 

[McScribe]

It is very troubling, and I can understand you being worried. And I also believe that the real problem as you say is not that your wife is attracted to other women but that she is not close to you. To be honest with you I would be inclined in my prayers to put aside to some extent the concern over the girlfriends, because I believe that your worries about your own relationship with her is the real issue.

Your wife has given you part of a clue--she doesn't think you trust her. No doubt you might think that you have reason not to trust her. The lack of trust between the two of you is a major part of the problem.

In your prayers about this, in your thoughts and concerns, let that for a time be what you focus on. If there is no trust between you the other problem cannot really be solved in a good way anyway.

When you pray, be truly honest with God. Every thought, everything, whether it seems sinful or no, be truly spiritually naked in your prayers.

Secondly, you don't have to pretend to trust your wife, but you can treat her kindly in the meantime, as you might treat anyone you don't really trust. When I say kindly I really mean not seeking deliberate conflict or argument, avoiding these things until you have really sought God in prayer and bared your heart to Him. The real issue is that you don't believe you can trust your wife and you are not sure if she even loves you or cares for you.

Who you are, who you are valued as, does not depend upon whether or not a particular woman loves you, remember. Our main value comes from our relationship with God. Now this may sound uncaring, but it is not. I realize that it is deeply hurtful to consider that someone who has promised love doesn't want to give it. So I'm not saying that this problem is not important, I'm saying that you should not let fear that things will not be good lead you.

Instead, trust in God first. You can believe these things: that if your wife cannot love you God will help you deal with that. If your wife can love you God will deal with that also. Have the courage of your faith to believe that God can reveal the truth to you, and give you the strength to deal with that truth.

 

[John-Phillip]

I think what McScribe says is very valid....

Some thoughts to consider if you think it would be helpful. Is there any mileage is talking it through and perhaps coming up with an agreement with your wife that sets out clear boundaries....? She clearly has a complex sexuality that tends towards bisexuality. Rather than try to ban her from any more close relationships can you set out a clear agreement...somethink like (just as an example):

We agree..
-Close female friendships are ok involving all forms of communication but she agrees to be transparent with you and to ensure that such friendships don't go too far;
-she agrees to let you see emails and she agrees not to have any secret email accounts, text messages, mobile phones etc;
-She agrees that she will not indulge in provocative/sexual communications with women;
-She agrees that she will not seek to become inappropriately physical with her friends. If this does happen she will tell you about it immediately/asap. She will agree that you can impose a temporary 'ban' if that happens (an incentive to not go too far)

...And so on.....hopefully the clear boundaries and open transparency will make her trust you....and at the same time she'll see that you accept she has an acute need for these additional close relationships.

I hope that might be helpful.

 

[overit]

She is emotionally and physically attracted to women..honestly I think staying with her is a waste of time-the second you walk out that door she'll turn to women, I have no doubt. I say this from close handed experience. I have a friend who is like a brother to me-...he was never able to emotionally connect with his wife or subsequent girlfriends-he was in turmoil-he TRIED to make his marriage work, to not be attracted to guys, but honestly it was a waste of time for him and his now ex-wife. She's living a lie by being married to you-she's "trying" to do the right thing...but bottom line she is attracted to women aka lesbian.

Boundaries with someone who is really gay....why? Why waste your time? this WILL be an issue your whole marriage I hope you realize.

 

[robinh500]

snapdragon117
I'm sorry that you are experiencing this pain.

While continuing to love as much as you can, hearing God's voice on this matter is essential.

Prayers asking God to release/heal your wife from unhealthy appetites and replacing them with normal/healthy desires.

Then asking God what He wants for the relationship followed by waiting for His voice.

Do you and your wife pray together? Are you both proclaiming thanksgiving with your lips for things like food, air, health etc.?

I hope you and your wife can work through this.

 

[snapdragon117]

My wife seems so blind to her inappropriate relationships. Yes, we do regularly pray together as a couple about all manner of issues. I will often pray with her about being led by God to do more things together as a couple, but any reference to her "friendship" and she will clam up and bury her head in the sand.

I realize that, as Overit says, I do have the option of not wasting my time with her. Well, in response I suppose I could ask the same question as to why would God waste His time by sending Jesus to die for us? It’s all to do with love and grace, but I’m not blind to the things my wife does. This is where the pain I am feeling manifests itself, because my wife does not seem to have a Biblical understanding of being “one flesh” in our relationship (in the widest possible context), and seems to squander what we might enjoy together with her “friends”.