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My wife was not a virgin when she married me. I had asked, but she had lied. Help!

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by johnbastion, Mar 4, 2019.

  1. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    Thank you for your prayers! I have received very insightful comments in this thread from so many people.
     
  2. Marumorose

    Marumorose Member

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    I am sure you know that God hates divorce. And i am sure that you have made mistakes in the past.
    Remember that there are no big sins or small sins. A sin is a sin. If you do not forgive her, God will not forgive you for your sins.
    You say that her repentance is shallow. You can help her to repent with all her heart, mind and soul

    1 Corinthians 7:14 & 16 says" For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified because of her husband.Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. Wife, you might be able to save your husband. Husband, you might be able to save your wife"
     
  3. JesseBassett

    JesseBassett Always a prayer warrior..... Angels Team Supporter

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    Forgive her. We all make mistakes, myself included. To the original poster, I would personally not divorce the woman I marry over this. We would go to counseling and discuss this as a married couple and talk it out. That's the mature thing to do.
     
  4. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    So, are you still married to her? How are things going?
     
  5. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    Yes, a dead "marriage". Though in my earlier posts, I leaned towards being more empathetic; now after coming to study and know God's original plan better, reading various books on theology on this topic, and knowing her un-remorseful attitude - I've been waiting on God to do something. Some way.
    I realized I won't let the past go, it's not something I can forget or take lightly. It's not something that won't come up in the future, if we do get back together.
    She is not the victim. I am. It's my future and innocence that has been violated.
    And she did that with full knowledge and stupidity. That's unforgivable.

    "How are things going?"
    It's a struggle. I know of a believer friend, who told me on sharing my struggle with him - that he knows what I am going through. This is what he shared with me:
    He married a girl who attracted him because of her godliness. She had confessed to him before marriage that she had been in a relationship which went into a sexual relationship.
    He felt that he needed to pray and meditate on the proposal. Even though he had some difficulty with the matter - he went ahead with the marriage. After the marriage, at some point when they consummated the marriage he said that he felt a strong sense of jealousy that he hadn't felt until then. He didn't share those feelings with her - but she could sense that something was wrong. She figured it out and told him that she had told him everything before they got married and that it wasn't right for him to hold ill-feelings towards her now. He told me that in their 4 years of marriage, they have had sex only 3 times.
    Incidentally, she too is a pastor's daughter.
    And about my friend, though he had told me when I had spoken to him - I don't remember if he was a virgin when he got married.
    They seek help from counselors individually to overcome their marital problems.

    I just shared that because not everyone knows what it feels like - but I have discovered that some do. When you are the weakest is when evil thoughts will attack you.
    Because it also concerns one's future happiness, it's inevitable that these feelings and thoughts keep coming to haunt.

    FYI: In the over one year since that fateful night I discovered the treachery, I have got to speak to a lot of my friends, pastors, counselors. I have read many books, seen many testimony videos on youtube - But I'm waiting for God to move. Some way. Some way.

    Like someone wrote to me - it is possible that she has an STD. And for sure, she is not one to tell the truth. And to one who cannot tell the truth even now - I cannot, absolutely cannot think of continuing. So over the past 3 months, I have been wishing and asking God to take this marriage away. I cannot handle it. I know some can. But I don't think I can. And there's not even one iota in my being that wants to treat her right....
    Even though I'm technically married even now - I am valuing and praising (in my heart) godly, chaste, wise girls (of course, they are so few, and so well brought-up, so rare!).
    Long answer to a one-line question.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
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  6. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    Thanks for your post. I don't agree with "there are no big sins or small sins." I don't think it is consistent with the Bible. In the OT, God told the man who is presumptuous:

    Deut 29:19 "It shall be when he hears the words of this curse, that he will boast, saying, 'I have peace though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart in order to destroy the watered [land] with the dry.' Deut 29:20 "The LORD shall never be willing to forgive him, but rather the anger of the LORD and His jealousy will burn against that man, and every curse which is written in this book will rest on him, and the LORD will blot out his name from under heaven.

    In the NT, in 1 John:
    1John 5:16 If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not [leading] to death, he shall ask and [God] will for him give life to those who commit sin not [leading] to death. There is a sin [leading] to death; I do not say that he should make request for this. 1John 5:17 All unrighteousness is sin, and there is a sin not [leading] to death.

    I am not quoting these to apply it to my case, but just to show that I believe that there are sins more grievous and sinful than others. A premeditated murder once done has different consequences though it began as hatred.

    "If you do not forgive her, God will not forgive you for your sins."
    I believe this verse. So, a few weeks after the matter was discovered, I wrote a message to her saying that I want to offer reconciliation though it's difficult for me....and I added a few conditions (reasonable ones, imo). I wrote that message even though it was super difficult for me to even mean it - because I knew this verse. I quoted this verse Matt. 6:14,15 in that message.

    When I expected a complete remorse and heartfelt desire to right the wrong - I saw arrogance! More lies and suggestions for divorce! When I discovered her attitude over a call many many months ago - I cursed her in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ - saying that she will suffer the full the punishment from God for her deception, lies, fornication, rebellion and unfaithfulness.

    I know you have good intentions in exhorting me towards forgiveness. I just don't want to be fool-hardy and promise things I cannot keep.
     
  7. Tom 1

    Tom 1 Optimistic sceptic Supporter

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    I've had some brief contact with churches that seemed to maintain what can only really be described as a 'web of deceit', a bizarre, disturbing even, culture of using ideas like repentance to present a completely false front pasted over a pretty strange and disfunctional organisation. Really I think the only option in that situation is to get out, if your wife sees herself as your wife then she would come with you. It's important to reflect on the strangeness of a situation like this - for me I had no interest in my wife's previous relationships, but I knew about them - if you know someone then knowing about their life until they met you is a big part of that, to state the obvious. You appear to have married someone you know very little about, if her behaviour reflects the culture of the church you are part of then I'd seriously think about getting out of it.
     
  8. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    Thanks for your message.
    I agree that we all make mistakes. Forgiveness is actually only possible if there is a heartfelt repentance. A willingness to take the blame. I haven't seen that. And even if forgiveness is offered (which is difficult), there's always the consequences of the sin that is real.

    Luke 17:1 He said to His disciples, "It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! Luke 17:2 "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble. Luke 17:3 "Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Luke 17:4 "And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him."

    Here's what the wife of a close friend told me. Both my friend and his wife have known me for many many years. She said that if she had done something similar to her husband, she would be sitting and crying at the door of the house begging for forgiveness. Just saying.

    In addition to the original offense that was committed, she has said a lot of lies - may be she is that stupid and believes her lies are the reality - if the latter, that itself is a curse from God that will confound her such that she will be unable to understand anything.

    2Tim 3:6 For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, 2Tim 3:7 always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

    2Tim 3:13 But evil men and impostors will proceed [from bad] to worse, deceiving and being deceived.

    .
    .
    Honestly speaking, I can say that I have feelings of revenge. It has only increased over the months.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2020
  9. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    Actually, I don't go to that church since about a couple of months before this whole matter came to light. It was just that when that church elder came to hear about my situation, he came and visited with me 3 times where he told me that I would need to go to her and bring her back - which I didn't and don't agree with.
    I have nothing to say against that church per se, but I totally can understand that what you spoke of happens in many churches.

    Believe it or not: I had about 1 year of talking to her (twice daily) before deciding to get married. She is not from the same state that I am. To put things into perspective:
    I have never had a girlfriend, on principle.
    Of course, I have had friends who are girls, at work, university etc., but I wouldn't let anything get serious even if I liked a person. Never be caught dead with a girl alone. Not because I hated girls (God knows the lust "plague of one's own heart" like Solomon said), Rather, I was able to sense in myself by the Spirit, and godly teaching, that I had to be a testimony to the world.
    I had my time of suffering with lust and trying to impress. But thanks be to God, I knew giving in would be dishonoring God. I did fall many times in my mind though.

    According to the Bible, I believe, that I'm only to let myself interact closely and exclusively with a girl only if the intention is marriage. And that intention was made known to my parents and church elders.

    That's the same standard I applied with her. I made it very clear what my intentions were, and that my parents and church elders would be overseeing the proposal.
     
  10. Tom 1

    Tom 1 Optimistic sceptic Supporter

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    Ok well I hope things work out well for you guys. Is your wife being more open with you now? I suppose she might need to learn how to communicate more openly with you, not something that everyone finds easy I think.
     
  11. John42

    John42 Member

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    I empathize. I was in a relationship with a girl who I later found out had multiple sexual partners. As we progressed I would suggest we spend some evenings reading the Bible, she never wanted to. Frustrating.
     
  12. Marumorose

    Marumorose Member

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    1 Corinthians 5:11 says"But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler"
    Revelation 22:15 says "Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood."
    Let me give you an example
    If you die a murderer without repenting, you will go to hell
    If you die a gossiper you will go to hell
    It will not matter how big or small you think your sin is. You will not enter Heaven if you die in sin
    God Bless you
     
  13. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    Sister, I agree with the scriptures you have quoted. And it is true that no one will enter heaven with un-confessed sin in their lives. There are sins on earth, even by believers, which invite capital punishment in this life. There are other sins, such as sins of anger, lust, covetousness, etc., which a believer may suffer from - but needs to overcome by walking in the Spirit.
    A believer may struggle with hidden sins which he may be battling daily with the Spirit's help - such a believer does not forfeit eternal life, as long as he is constantly battling it to overcome it.

    There's also this fact that "To whom much is given, much is required."
    Moses got angry and threw down the tablets of stone on which God had written the laws on the mountain. At another time, he struck the rock when God had told him to speak to it. Who caused Moses to become angry? It was the rebellious nature of the Israelite people. Moses entreated the Lord to forgive him. God didn't. This is what God said:

    Deuteronomy 3:23-26 "At that time I made this plea to God: ‘O LORD God, please let me cross over into the Promised Land--the good land beyond the Jordan River with its rolling hills—and Lebanon. I want to see the result of all the greatness and power You have been showing us; for what God in all of heaven or earth can do what You have done for us?’" "But the LORD was angry with me because of you and would not let me cross over.
    "That is enough," the LORD said. "Do not speak to me anymore about this matter.



    In Moses rash actions, he did not honor the Lord before the Israelites. It was because Moses was accountable to more than the Israelites, being their leader and prophet.

    Gal.6:7,8 TLB Don't be misled; remember that you can't ignore God and get away with it: a man will always reap just the kind of crop he sows! If he sows to please his own wrong desires, he will be planting seeds of evil and he will surely reap a harvest of spiritual decay and death; but if he plants the good things of the Spirit, he will reap the everlasting life that the Holy Spirit gives him.

    What believer is there who will not face punishment from God? Judgment begins in the household of God.
    Paul in 1 Cor. 5 even commended a believer to Satan for the destruction of his body.

    1Cor.5:1-5 NASB
    It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father's wife. You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst. For I, on my part, though absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged him who has so committed this, as though I were present. In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, [I have decided] to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.


    1 Tim. 1:19,20 TLB
    Cling tightly to your faith in Christ and always keep your conscience clear, doing what you know is right. For some people have disobeyed their consciences and have deliberately done what they knew was wrong. It isn't surprising that soon they lost their faith in Christ after defying God like that. Hymenaeus and Alexander are two examples of this. I had to give them over to Satan to punish them until they could learn not to bring shame to the name of Christ.


    Hebrews 12 talks about the discipline of the Lord, for those who belong Him.

    Those are just some scriptures that deal with varying degree of punishment in this life for Christians who disobey God's express command. Their salvation is another matter.

    Tim and Jon from The Bible Project talked about this topic "Are all sins the same" in their long-form podcast. I will try to find that and post it here later on, if I can find it again.

    But this one below is something that I had heard a long time ago. And I'm glad I was able to find it easily to post it here. Thank God for the History tab! It's just 7 min and is loaded! (Campfire by TheCourage is a ministry of Kirk Cameron.)
    Are all sins the same?


    God bless you too. Please do pray for me.
     
  14. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    We don't talk. Haven't talked for over a year.
     
  15. johnbastion

    johnbastion Newbie Supporter

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    I totally get what you are saying. I knew that she didn't have a good foundation on the Bible, and here I was trying to build her up spiritually without being overbearing. Had I known what her life was before, I would never have married her! What an ungrateful and unfaithful person to discard all that was given to her. I know how frustrating it is until you figure out what is at the root of it all.
    I couldn't understand why she was always on the phone - always talking (to her parents, she said), even after I told her many times as lovingly as I could that I didn't appreciate that she was on the phone for hours when I am at home after work. I mean don't every Christian who gets into marriage know that already?
    Well it all makes sense when the missing piece of the puzzle falls into place.
     
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