My wife wants a divorce

yankfan212

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Hello,

I am new here and just wanted to reach out to some other Christians who may know a bit about the pain I am going through. My wife and I have been together for 10 years. Married for 4. We met at a Christian Camp and our relationship was founded on God. We had everything in common and were best friends. As time went on our passion kind of subsided and the emotional connection between the two of us ceased to exist. Our relationships with God fell further and further out of our lives. We had nothing but a business partnership and a marriage license. Most of it was my fault as the man I'm supposed to lead spiritually and I didn't. I did not hear her subtle cries for attention and the emotional connection that all women need. I was too selfish and blind. I was basically too immature to be married.
About a month ago now my wife told me that she did not want to be married anymore. She 100% wanted a divorce. As a christian, I never saw this coming because I thought divorce was never an option. Also she never suggested we get help or cried out to anyone in our lives for help. She told me in 15 minutes how our 10 year relationship was over. She said that she could see herself raising children with someone else. She broke my heart. She said that we had to move on with the logistics of the situation and that she didn't want to talk about anything involving counseling or fixing our marriage at all. I tried sending flowers, cards, letters, jewelry. I tried going to her in the middle of the night. She coldly said stop all of this as I don't want it and will refuse delivery. Again we need to talk about logistics.
I wrote her back and said that I would respect her wishes but I would fight the divorce because I don't believe in it. I said I was working on my own emotional attachment issues and would love a chance to talk to her and tell her how God has called me back to Himself through this rock bottom experience. She remains cold and doesn't want to talk about it at all to me or anyone else. No one knew, not her mom or sister. She will only engage them in small talk and nothing of substance. God has woke me up from my spiritual abandonment by taking the one thing in this world that I really held dear. The sadness in my soul is so deep that it is almost unbearable. I am seeking God fervently in this valley because He is literally all I have. I have a good job and a good family but nothing else matters and my thoughts are all consumed in this. I know God has a plan here and I am trying to see through the pain but everything is so foggy that it is hard to know what is God's will here and what is my will. Please pray for this stranger who is in desperate need of some intervention in his life.

Thanks for reading.
 

dorig59

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Dear man, why don't you go ahead and move your thread over to the married couples section? You're not going to get any exposure over here. Also there's another guy who has an almost identical situation going on and there's some good advice being given too.
 
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Conservativation

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I will respond. DO NOT wallow in self blame......I been there. I did that....none of what you are doing and the way you are feeling will help....at all. Sure we can all work to do better in our marriages. But right now your wife is under deception, likely she is being fed by some friends too who are saying "oh whatever your heart says sweety" For some reason in my experience women do not hold each other accountable on relational issues like this....sure on adultery that may speak up, but stuff like this....her friends will be NOT for the marriage...they will be for whatever her "heart" says, even if its deceived.

Mine took 1.5 years and a divorce process that never finalized to ultimately sort out, and when it sorted out, it had ZERO to do with any new found efforts on my part, mea culpas, wallowing, romantic overtures, those are like an irritation right now. Later I found out from my wife that when I was desperate she was affected, BUT she walled it off and thats why she was so cold, she could even give a tad of niceness because it would crumble the whole facade.
I have not so easy advice.....dont help her divorce you, but dont beg, dont cry, dont send flowers write letters, none of it. You may find she has some emotional connection to a man out there somewhere, often it can even be innocent but it makes her confident. Just let some time pass, get to where you are on your feet, go do what you like to do....with friends, etc. Take back some hobbies. be ready to reconcile, be nice, but do not do what you are doing w/ the you fix you and she will come back....because if she does, it will be 10 times worse the next time. She has to come back because she sees the grass as not greener, not because you become her washcloth.

When she finally makes an overture if she does, you may find you actually consider that its not what you want....that means it IS time to reconcile, because you both are in a healthy place to start over
 
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yankfan212

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Thank you for the response. Sounds like you went through something very very similar to me. She mentioned talking to some other guy but it wasn't physical because that would "hurt me". I am definitely struggling with the wallowing thing. Our marriage has been so tough thus far as we have had no money and very little fun. I've made it known that this should be the good part now. We have 2 good jobs and a new realization about what it is to be married so I guess I'm just going to do what you suggest. I haven't been sending her anything and have cut off this emotionless communication that she wants to have. She wants to talk logistics and finances and I don't feel like that's going to help either. Trusting God right now is so hard but it is all we got in valleys this deep and should always be enough. My heart is so broken though that I just don't know how to deal with the pain. It has been a month and I wake up every night sweating with dreams about this and have to relive the whole experience again. She is cold to everyone around her and does not want to discuss anything about me or us. She has decided that it is a topic that will not be discussed anymore regardless of how others feel. Right now it's about her and where her "heart" is leading her. That's actually the words she said to me. I am encouraged by your story, not because I know that mine will end the same way, but to see that there is still hope and that you have made it through a time similar to mine. I am glad to see you and your wife turned things around.

Thanks again
 
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Conservativation

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I know the sickness, lack of sleep, weight loss, brain fog...all of it, I went 3 months that way before i began crawling out.
Write this down.....IT IS about the guy she is talking to.....period.

Now, me....Im a person of action, and can speak from experience that when an emotional connection developed with some dude, I shut it down on his end. Some will say thats wrong. Sorry...I did it, it worked. I recommend you at least define that problem for yourself so you know what that is all about. This is your family. Take no prisoners (Im not advocating any violence or illegal things....just DO something, it will make you feel better)

Yes you will end up OK....thats very cold comfort though.

As to trusting God...well He delivered in my case.....1.5 years later, so while I was in the valley nope, I drifted away from my faith. People kept telling me oh God is with you....well He was, but I sure didnt see Him. Its OK to be honest about that.

You neednt have this communication she wants. You neednt do anything to assuage her guilt.

Just do not take this on your back in addition to the hurting
 
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It does hurt, it is hard. No question about it. I think sometimes the women who initiate divorce in the manner you are talking about don't want to talk about it because they're afraid of being persuaded to stay when they don't feel like they want to. Which I doubt is what you'd want--I doubt you'd want to keep her married to you if she truly hated it; I'm getting from what you're saying that you'd like to take a look at what might be going poorly in your marriage and fix it if possible, at least try. Dr. Harley, who wrote "His Needs, Her Needs" says that often when women decide they're done with a marriage they feel they HAVE been trying for a long time and give up. The problem is that they haven't communicated this to their mate; they haven't said "You know, I'm starting to get fed up. If something doesn't change in our marriage I want out." In a way though even that should be a second step after "I'm starting to become unhappy with our marriage. I'd like things to be different."

Unfortunately by the time a woman feels like your wife does according to what you say there's not a huge amount you can do about it. She's made up her mind and in spite of your efforts won't listen to you.

It's not your fault. She's an adult, she's making her decisions. You have to make yours. I know it's hard. Feel free to vent or talk here, or pm me or Cons or Dorig, all of us have been through it. Me most recently. I know exactly how you feel. It's devastating. God is there for us in the very worst of circumstances and the goodness and truth of who you are is more than the sum of your marriage. It is probably impossible to believe that now but it's still true.

One thing you'll have to do is just make decisions for yourself; don't wait for her, make the best plans for yourself possible and with her just be courteous and distant no matter how hard it is. The ONLY thing that should sway you with her is her saying something like "I agree, let's do couples therapy or xyz whatever to fix our marriage." And don't wait for those magic words either. The odds of it happening at this stage are like the odds of you losing a job and then the personnel manager calling you back and saying, "Guess what, they want to make you Chairman of the Board!"

Take care.
 
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yankfan212

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I'm a police officer. I have to be careful at what I do as far as this other guy. I've looked into cell phone records and there is nothing very off about it. I'm sure most of it is via email from her work. I believe that she is gaining her strength from this other relationship and getting bad advice from her friends. I do believe that she hasn't acted on this relationship although she wants to. I'm not sure there is much I can do right now to stand in the way of this relationship because she has cut off all communication from me, isn't living with me, and works all day everyday now to escape this.
 
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yankfan212

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Ouch, harsh but I guess very true. You guys seem to know exactly what I'm going through which I'm sorry to hear. You are right that she sent out slight hints to me but never really spoke out saying we need help. So strange how u guys seem to know all of this stuff. She is acting very irrationally but feels as if she is being completely rational. I am moving out soon and will not be contacting her anymore about this as far as the logistics go. I will communicate to her through her parents who are completely behind me btw and she will be moving back in with them soon. It's tough with valentines day right here and her birthday 2 weeks after that. This is the worst.
 
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yankfan212

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Had a thought today. When we were kids we used to make out for hours. As we got older that faded to no kissing at all. I can count the amount of times we have kissed since being married on 2 hands. So funny how I didn't see it as a problem. I thought we were both just worn out from it. We had sex "enough"....
 
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suzybeezy

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We women need those kisses, we need that connection, the intimacy. If that fades, the love can easily fade. And in a Christian marriage, when we start to fall away from God, our marriages suffer.

If there's any way possible, to have a real good sit down with her and really speak from your heart and get it all out, both your wants and hurts and desires, I'd do it. Maybe even try to see if she'd prefer doing it with a minister and his wife to help mediate or a couple's therapist.
 
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yankfan212

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Hi suzy,

Thanks for replying. I have poured my soul out to her at this point. Admitting that I have had problems connecting with her by no fault of her own and that I wanted to get some help in doing so. She's just so closed off to anything even resembling getting help. She wants out and wants out now. She's cold towards everyone and wants to go on with life as if her and I had never been married or together for the last decade. She's treating this like a break up after 2 months of dating. I want the chance to work on my faults but she doesn't see this marriage as important enough to try saving at this point. The reasons for not trying are "pain and time". That's her story and she's sticking to it. Since her faith has been on the back burner for the last 5 years or so she is able to look past that factor in this. Whenever anyone brings up God in this she ignores it, changes the topic or says I'm 100% sure or my decision is final. She's never been a self centered person. On the contrary, she's been selfless and generous but she refuses to think about anyone but herself right now.
 
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yankfan212

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Yah, I am trying. She's already started her own separate checking account. I know that she was a devoted Christ follower at one point but now that seems as if it is just a thing of the past. She has so much to lose by this even further than just me that the rush into this makes no sense. She says she's been thinking about it for months but never brought it up. Never told her parents or any of our christian friends. Even still she is only talking to her worldly friends because she knows that's the only place she's gonna get support for this decision. There are many holes in her story and the fact that she initiated sex the day before this happened and her actions didn't really dictate this type of thing is still so confusing to me. If she had ever said to me that we were in serious trouble and that I wasn't meeting her needs, I would have jumped at the chance to try and get some help to fix it. I think she knows that too. I think part of this is her just "not wanting to be married anymore". Not necessarily me, just anyone. Just seems so incredibly shortsighted and immature to me.
 
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Conservativation

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Yah, I am trying. She's already started her own separate checking account. I know that she was a devoted Christ follower at one point but now that seems as if it is just a thing of the past. She has so much to lose by this even further than just me that the rush into this makes no sense. She says she's been thinking about it for months but never brought it up. Never told her parents or any of our christian friends. Even still she is only talking to her worldly friends because she knows that's the only place she's gonna get support for this decision. There are many holes in her story and the fact that she initiated sex the day before this happened and her actions didn't really dictate this type of thing is still so confusing to me. If she had ever said to me that we were in serious trouble and that I wasn't meeting her needs, I would have jumped at the chance to try and get some help to fix it. I think she knows that too. I think part of this is her just "not wanting to be married anymore". Not necessarily me, just anyone. Just seems so incredibly shortsighted and immature to me.

Its the confidence gleaned from talking to the other guy. You did say she mentioned that, right?
Sure she will only talk to folks who will agree and support her. Usually you can find a bunch of those in the church, they even have a ministry for it called Divorce Care that is supposed to help people handle divorce but ends up especially for the women, facilitating it. You need a support group of friends, but be careful, I made this mistake, dont wear them out with repetition. LET them distract you instead of you being a busted record.
My wife said all that stuff, even the parts about not wanting to be married etc. After we separated she was the first to "see" someone else....amazing.
These things tend to follow a set pattern. My lawyer told me he can set the calendar by what his female clients that are in the same mode as your wife (and mine was) are in. Some get fixed like mine and end well, others dont, but the pattern stays roughly the same. If you speak to a lawyer, find one that is in the reconciliation favorable side, not the attack dog side, BUT who is defending your interests. The n ask him how these things go with other clients. he cant tell specific people stories but he will tell you that what Im saying is true
 
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Conservativation

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I'm a police officer. I have to be careful at what I do as far as this other guy. I've looked into cell phone records and there is nothing very off about it. I'm sure most of it is via email from her work. I believe that she is gaining her strength from this other relationship and getting bad advice from her friends. I do believe that she hasn't acted on this relationship although she wants to. I'm not sure there is much I can do right now to stand in the way of this relationship because she has cut off all communication from me, isn't living with me, and works all day everyday now to escape this.


Oh....yea thats very true. Well, you did at least do what I said when i said define the problem...you know who he is. Thats a start. For me, KNOWING things helped. I never used the things I knew, but I knew them anyway. It just made ME feel better. The thing about shutting off the other guy I wanted to clarify again, it was basically done by strong asking....that's all. Not anything over the top...you, being an officer, have a certain implied threat just by waking up! So yea....careful. Thats gotta be stressful going through this and having to function as an officer....man Im sorry.

Well, you know the things not to do, legally, so thats all good. You guys are 30"s, no kids? That right?
 
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ampbelle3130

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hi there. first off, i just want to say that i'm sorry for what you're experiencing right now. i truly am. i'm glad to see that you are finding light and reaching out to God in this time, even though it's probably too difficult for words.
also, it's very commendable that you admitted to making some mistakes. the fact that you're aware of them and owned up to them as well as tried to apologize for them shows that with your whole heart you are trying to save your marriage. the last thing you want to do is wonder, when all is said and done, "did i do everything in my power." you are. dont be too hard on yourself.

i also want to add a little bit of personal experience. when i was with my exboyfriend of 3 years (i'm now married...) i was incredibly unhappy towards the end. i felt like i was silently drowning. it wasnt all his fault but we were simply not compatible and i needed a way out. all it took was one man to show interest in me and suddenly i had the confidence to leave. not because i needed attention. i didnt want to be with the other man or have anything to do with him. it was just simply reassurance that i could find someone apart from my boyfriend, whom i wasnt happy with, and i suddenly had the courage to pack it up...what i'm saying is that it is the one guy she's "been talking to."

with that said, you've done everything in your power to salvage what you can, now you need to take preventative measures. prepare for the worst. you do not have the power to save your marriage. you do not have the power to overcome a hardened heart. only God can do that. all you can do is pray for her and protect yourself.

i'm lifting you up in prayer. God bless.
 
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sdmsanjose

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Quote by Yankfan212
God has woke me up from my spiritual abandonment by taking the one thing in this world that I really held dear. The sadness in my soul is so deep that it is almost unbearable. I am seeking God fervently in this valley because He is literally all I have. I have a good job and a good family but nothing else matters and my thoughts are all consumed in this. I know God has a plan here and I am trying to see through the pain but everything is so foggy that it is hard to know what is God's will here and what is my will. Please pray for this stranger who is in desperate need of some intervention in his life.


God’s will is what you are doing.

“I am seeking God fervently in this valley because He is literally all I have.”

God’s Unending Desire For Intimacy
http://www.h2hcm.com/ArticlesGUDFI.htm

Do you have friends, family, anybody that can help lift you up spiritually and emotionally with prayer, God’s word, etc?
We have a good group here at CF that can help but a person that you can seek support from face to face would also help.

I think that you need to know that you are going to be Ok and that you can always trust God.

By you “seeking God fervently” your emotional and spiritual condition is God’s responsibility. That is a very good place to be. You are going to suffer because that is what selfishness and willfully choosing to damage a family does. Hopefully the suffering will help you and your wife make the best of the situation. You are on the right track and I hope your wife gets on that same track.

There are many here at this forum that ache at your suffering. Thank you for trusting us with your crises and thank you for being a policeman.
Stan
 
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