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My wife says she doesn't love me anymore

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Jesus Freak62, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    53
    +4
    Christian
    Married
    US-Constitution
    Satine,

    I just wanted to add that when we learn to really trust in God through faith in Christ, we receive the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit can provide you w/ all the emotional strength you need.
     
  2. Satine

    Satine Life Troubleshooter

    99
    +8
    Atheist
    In Relationship
    Not a wild assumption at all. By JF's own words, she has said she doesn't love him any more. She is behaving in an angry way. She has struck out. She is not happy; she would not act so if she was happy.

    To answer your question, I am as married as I'm ever going to get. I've been in the same relationship for eight years and we're still happily going strong. Marriage, to me, is a religious ceremony so I don't see much point in going through it. If I want to reaffirm my relationship then why not spend the money that would go on a marriage on a holiday or some other bonding experience instead?

    When I say 'emotionally provided for', I mean that she seems to feel invalidated. Not listened to. Lonely. She's said things that have shocked JF (again, says she doesn't love him), she has shouted, she has struck their son.

    She has done things, in short, that abruptly insist that someone listen to her. She would not do this if she felt listened to. That is what I mean by her not being emotionally provided for.

    Now, while tantrums are not seen as a good way for a grown adult to act, the fact that she's resorting to that suggests something is very wrong. Certainly that she very much feels not listened to. What else is there for her to do?

    Remember that, earlier in this thread, JF also said he's had people tell him before that he's not a good listener. This really needs to be factored in, also. If others find he doesn't listen, then it is the truth. One cannot confidently tell someone who says, 'you don't listen!' that actually you do, perfectly well thank you very much. If you haven't responded to what they've said, then that's their clue that you're a poor listener.

    JF, have you considered bringing your wife in to talk here on this thread? Perhaps that would open the way to moving forward on this discussion. We can all guess on how to deal with this situation as much as we like, but it's only when she gives her own feedback that we can really make any progress. Without it, we're all left at the level of just guessing, and that will achieve little.

    I have said it because I genuinely think it is the case.

    I suspect that, when I say this, it may be seen as 'of the devil'. But I think it needs to be said anyway:

    JF has talked about how he puts his relationship with is deity first, before the one he has with his wife. Now, he doesn't just go to church once a week and let that be the relationship he has with his god in its entirety - it's outside of the church too. It's got a potential to take over more and more and more of his life.

    He says that his wife has second place to his god, but how much of a second place is there? If times he spends not being overtly Christian are times he feel he is somehow dishonouring his god, then he's going to spend more and more time being as religious as he can be, and his wife is going to feel more and more edged out.

    Less 'playing second fiddle' as 'not playing a fiddle at all'. What kind of existence is that? What kind of marriage is that?

    Putting to one side whether it is right or wrong that he does this... she's going to be feeling really quite rotten about this, is she not? Again, the signs she's showing of unhappiness are pointing to this being true.

    JF talks about being the spiritual head of the family and of providing for his wife and child by being their spiritual leader, but when was the last time he was just the lover she married? When did he last show affection in a way that was not religious: making her a candlelit dinner, taking her for a walk in the orchard at blossom-time? When did he last put her first? Really put her first.

    Again, I suspect the answer to that may be, 'turning one's back on god is of the devil', but the god he worships isn't going anywhere. There's so much wiggle room for him to love his god more than his wife, but to still love his wife.

    Note also that as soon as I appeared on this thread to give feedback, the relationship bits I said were ignored and JF immediately saw it as a recruitment opportunity. 'Oh look, there's an atheist. Convert her, quick'. Rightly or wrongly, it really felt that way to me, and it took about four times of me answering back before he even looked at the fact that I was talking about the relationship.

    I know that, in the short time I have known JF he has not listened well to me, or simply respected my viewpoint. If I feel this from two days' worth of interaction, how will his wife be feeling after however many years of marriage?

    I think it's a little patronising to say, 'in a way that men can understand', but I'll repeat the bit I said earlier:

    - She needs to feel validated. That is, her feelings are not to be argued with: if she's angry then she's angry, if she's upset she's upset. And if she's happy, she's happy.
    - She gets to speak and finish what she's saying, without being interrupted with a 'yes, but...'
    - She needs not to hear the word 'should'. An interesting exercise, this one actually.
    - She needs to know there's someone who will sit with her and just... enjoy the presence of her without her having to entertain. Just hear the silence and feel the presence of the person, you know?

    I'm not sure if that's pop-culture enough, but I hope the above all provides a bit of help.

    I have my own coping mechanisms, and they work very well for me, thank you JF.

    On the subject - since you seem rather fixated on the idea of me converting. So please hear me when I say this. And hear me well.

    I am aware that Christianity exists, and I am aware of the way in which it works. I went to a Christian school and I have several Christian friends. I live in a country laidback enough that I can be pretty much any religion I can think of (let alone choose) without fear of persecution.

    There are people who care about me enough that I know they would take extra effort to talk me through becoming Christian.

    The door is as open to me as it could possibly be.

    However, I choose not to go through it. That is my right.

    I am content with my position as an atheist.

    Now. I would like to politely, but firmly, suggest that we put this conversion business behind us. I have given my position much thought over the past few years, and I am not particularly in the mood these days to reappraise the situation. Pressure from you, or anybody else for that matter, will not change that.

    Your wife and child need you. Are we going to talk over that instead? If you are adamant that you do not wish to hear my point of view any more then by all means say so - I won't mind. I gave feedback on this thread because I felt I could say something useful, but if you feel I am being counterproductive in joining the discussion then by all means say so.

    It's your thread, after all.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2010
  3. jdannett

    jdannett New Member

    1
    +1
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I find it impossible to believe that none of you have stated the truth about the situations. Yes, girls and women have the right to hurt feelings when it comes to selecting a husband but once they enter into the bonds of marriage, those rights are diminished and the "freedom" to choose is gone and over. The real problem with marriages today is a complete and total lack of wives submitting to their husbands and men are constantly being portrayed as moronic buffoons who fail to "understand" a woman. I just saw this last Sunday at my church on a video in the sanctuary of all places. Women have seemed, since the 60's and the liberal rights movement, to claim a superiority high ground over men by using platforms such as education and a quasi-authoritative approach in order to embolden liberal values: abortion, women's rights, contraception, tolerance of sin and evil, etc. and the simple fact is that they have gotten away with it a. because we as men and husbands allow it, and b. because as we collectively allow it, they flock in droves to a massive support system that begins with day time tv that bashes the conservative Christian working man, and if it is not daytime tv because they work, it is *** in the City, etc, and all the while the children are neglected.

    The only way for a marriage to work and produce healthy children who grow up to be healthy adults is for women to begin to take the back seat in the operations of the marriage and to take the support role they were made from the rib of Adam for. That being said, men, to some degree are moronic but in regards to our cultural wrongs to which a great majority feel led they have to succumb to but if the marriage existed, ie: if the woman was a wife and mother in the classical sense, we wouldn't be dependent on things outside of the warmth and glow of a true family setting for our comfort.

    With a divorce rate at more than 50 percent and credit card debt where it is currently, it is no wonder that the children are being broken by horribly miserable mothers who fall nothing short of modern day Jezebels and Eve's in the moment she chose to take that bite and follow Satan.

    May God bless you kind sirs, but remember, there was a time in Jewish tradition that stoning a woman for some of these behaviors discussed was not against the law. Unless you stand up to the literal witches that the world sends back to your home at 5, you may find yourself beaten and broken at the end of a proverbial "broom."

    Listen, life is simple but they do everything they can to break it down (the family) for the simple reason that submitting to a man, taking care of children, and following directions is now culturally frowned upon and they feel shame for actually doing the work that the good Lord deemed fit. They not only feel shame but they themselves shame and are shamed. I am just surprised they haven't put on an arm patch yet.
     
  4. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

    +2,545
    Anglican
    Married
    Please take a moment to read the SOP for this sub-forum. I'm not even going to quote your whole post as some is VERY offensive. You may wish to look into counseling.
     
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