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My wife says she doesn't love me anymore

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Jesus Freak62, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

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    All I can tell you is keep drawing close to God, love your wife, and pray and wait till he moves.
     
  2. Xain

    Xain Newbie

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    That is all I needed to know. God bless you abundantly. Thank you for replying. I know I will return to this post with news of God's amazing grace.
     
  3. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

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    Same to you!
     
  4. Satine

    Satine Life Troubleshooter

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    I think ultimately, offering advice on here over an issue such as this is going to be a non-starter. JF has his own view of the situation; his wife will have another. The son they share will have another again. The truth will be somewhere in between all three of those views.

    I am not laying accusation at any one person's feet, here. I suspect that JF is a flawed person, as are we all, and there is something he's either not talking about, or genuinely not seeing in the situation. Therefore counselling would have been the best option, as a counsellor would be best-placed to evaluate the truth from all three participants.

    Now, I haven't read all of this thread - I forwarded to the end to reply about 8 pages in - but I would still guess that suggesting counselling was the best thing he did. That said, as far as I am aware the wife refused this. I think this is the crux of the problem: that she does not feel the marriage is worth saving any more.

    If she does not want to be part of the relationship, then surely she should be free to go?

    The fact that there is a child in all of this complicates matters, as he also needs to be considered. But I hope that whatever happens, JF, Mrs. JF and their son manage to find a mutually amicable way forward.

    From a daughter of a strained home to the father of one, JF: please do not try and force the marriage to work if you think for a moment that the son finds the atmosphere uncomfortable. My parents stayed together despite some blistering arguments and I spent much of my childhood laying low to avoid the next argument - and the arguments often went on for a week at a time. To say it was intimidating is an understatement.

    Look towards taking the pressure off all three people in this situation.

    Finally, I'll say this as an atheist: I am aware that your relationship with god complicates matters further, and some of the troubles you've mentioned here stem from the fact that your feelings of obligation to your god conflict with those that you feel to your wife and child. Please consider those who will be the most hurt by forcing the marriage to remain intact. If you must pursue your relationship with your god above all else, then that is what you must do, and it may be that you have to do it alone. But please do not force others to do it with you. In that direction lies further unhappiness.

    Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2010
  5. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

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    I KNOW that my GOD ( a christians god is capitalized, "God". The god you mention is anything other than the one, true God.) is in control of this situation. How do I know this? By the many ways he speaks (not audibly) through other people as I stay close to Him in prayer. Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart and really meant it? When you ever decide to do this, and I will pray that you will, you will begin to understand that christians have a real and personable God. More personable than any relationship one can have here on earth.
     
  6. Satine

    Satine Life Troubleshooter

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    I don't doubt that, JF. Your relationship with your god doesn't appear to be a problem in and of itself. It is in the way that relationship ties in with your relationships with your wife and child that the problems are, and they are the reasons you posted this thread in the first place. If you were not concerned about the health of your marriage, you would not have asked in the first place. I have simply given my viewpoint on the matter, for you to factor in or ignore as you see fit.

    On the subject of capitalisation, I am aware that Christians prefer to capitalise the word 'god'. However, it is my choice not to, so I do not, and I see nothing to gain in doing so for your benefit.

    But then, my interpretation of the word 'god' is not the issue here, is it?

    Again, good luck, whatever you decide to do.
     
  7. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

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    I don't believe in luck.
     
  8. Conservativation

    Conservativation Well-Known Member

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    Actually there are some truths in this even for us Christians. I believe too that advice on a forum is of limited value due to scope. In fact the very best advice is prayer and a long-suffering attitude, which is hard to have.

    ANY other advice would necessarily be based as this poster says, on details of the individuals, the history, etc. As a Christian I wonder sometimes what we CAN advise here that isnt pat and formulaic, "pray, get counseling, read a book" etc. However anyone like to know that others have experienced similar things so that aspect is very helpful.

    Regarding children of divorce, its easy to say one way of the other based only on our own experience....we can say Oh I wish they would have split, or the converse. However....its a GUESS, we havent the other experience with which to compare it. So, its useful to look to the statistics, which overwhelmingly support staying together even in moderate conflict marriages as best for the kids.
     
  9. Satine

    Satine Life Troubleshooter

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    Fair comment. That's the thing though, isn't it? Maybe I'm misunderstanding JF's point, but when my parents used to scream at each other about not loving each other any more, I felt very much that I wished they'd have the courage to do what they seemed so keen to do. I wonder how much worse it could possibly have been living only with one or the other.

    And again, I may be unconsciously adding in other issues to this that were relevant to me and not to JF. It's hard to tell. All that can really be done is to look at how unhappy each participant in JF's situation is, and decide the best way forward from there.

    I don't know what the best answer to JF's situation is, apart from again: a counsellor may be able to provide the assistance from outside the family unit (and therefore be more objective) that'll help everybody to dovetail their needs and wishes.

    I'm always interested to learn more about the best way to negotiate conflict in marriages from the perspective of the offspring. Could you point me towards this, please? By all means send it by PM if you see fit.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2010
  10. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

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    I am in this world to glorify my God and stand upon his word. When I gave my life to Christ.........I gave MY LIFE to Christ. It is no longer mine, but HIS. I have found a way, and it is through faith in Jesus Christ. Jesus said, "Not my will, but your will (God's) be done." This is what we, as christians, should be trying to allow the Holy Spirit do through us. Granted, it is not easy, but I know that as God gives me the strength,through prayer/devotion/and reading his word, HE will be glorified!! God being glorified through our lives is more important than my wife or my children. Jesus said, (paraphrasing) Whosoever shall come after me, must first deny himself. He also said, (paraphrasing) That we must love him more than our brother, sister, mother, father, wife, son, or daughter.
     
  11. Satine

    Satine Life Troubleshooter

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    As you see fit.

    I only hope that your wife and children are as self-sufficient as the deity you worship, otherwise they really will be left out in the cold.

    If your religion comes first to such a high degree, what do you intend to achieve with this thread?
     
  12. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

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    I gain strength through my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and hopefully draw people like you to a God that loves us, but not our sin.
     
  13. Satine

    Satine Life Troubleshooter

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    I hear you.

    But what of the two people who depend on you?
     
  14. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

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    Hopefully, they will also learn to trust in Christ through this. Depending on me is not what God desires. He wants a personal (one on one) relationship w/ us all, like it was @ the beginning before we chose to sever that relationship out of disobedience. I do have God given responsibilities to care for my family and be the spiritual head of my family. To be the spiritual head, I must put God first and then trust him w/ my life and my families life.
     
  15. Satine

    Satine Life Troubleshooter

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    Trouble is, she is not feeling provided for, certainly not emotionally, and I think she needs that. Hence the unhappiness between the two of you, and the reason you created this thread.

    Or could they learn that religion can take all of a person's attention and leave nothing for the people around him, and that it's best avoided? Whatever you want them to learn from this experience may not be what they actually learn from it.

    These two sentences appear to contradict each other.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2010
  16. Conservativation

    Conservativation Well-Known Member

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    side from not being able to reconcile his faith to the situation, and i wont get into arguing that because you come from a very different perspective and this isnt the right context to even discuss that with you.....but you have made a wild assumption here that she is feeling emotionally not provided for.

    Further, Im interested to know what do you even mean by that? Please be specific, what does it mean to "emotionally provide for"? (am i safe to assume you may be experiencing something similar? You dont mention your marital status, but other than looking through a lens you ground for yourself, where would you get such insight?

    It may surprise you, but as a Christian, I can agree, that while I fully underatand and agree with the idea of putting God first, I have seen how that CAN be done in a way that is neglectful. I can also see a double sword in her hanging with the divorced women, because divorce spreads like a virus among women for some reason, I guess they draw strength or something from each other. But his mention and the wording about her "drinking alcohol drinks" COULD suggest something that could be a problem.

    The thing is....WHO KNOWS? I dont, you dont, but its very reactionary (and oh so common) to jump and say the women is emotionally neglected, to the point thats become like a status quo.

    Again please describe "emotionally provided for" and if possible do so in tangible terminology that men can understand, IOW avoid "she needs to feel safe"...and other popular modern pop psych. phrases.
     
  17. McScribe

    McScribe Me

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    I would like to point out that it is the wife who is considering leaving, first of all. Second, the 2/3 of divorces that are prompted by wives are not prompted necessarily because the man is unwilling to help create a happier marriage but most often because the women have simply given up on being interested, for whatever reason. There are lots of supposed reasons, but to assume it is because the man is not interested in trying is not really fair. The problem is that it is a two way street. I am not unsympathetic with either point of view, but when the woman has been largely silent or unproductive herself about her concerns over the years and then gets fed up, how is that entirely the man's fault? surely marriage is a two way street in that both should be trying to cooperatively find ways to compromise and help life be good together.
     
  18. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    I just read most of your posts.
    What stuck out to me the most are your statements below:




    I know you ask for help months ago regarding your actions in your wife’s weight issues and maybe someone has already mentioned this and maybe the problem is resolved but here is my thought. I would not say one word about your wife’s weight issues. I am sure she knows you are concerned and that you pray for her.

    You wife appears to have trouble with forgiveness for whatever reasons and I am sure you know that. I think there is a connection with her weight issues and forgiveness and I think that is an issue that only God, the Holy Sprit, and your wife can deal with. If God wants you into the situation I think it will be very clear and obvious. Short of God revealing to you in a very powerful undeniable way I would not try to do the Holy s Spirit’s work. That is kind of an answer to your statement
    “…if she is not willing to do anything to save the marriage, what am I left to do, other than pray?”

    I also noticed that you are a humble man in that you are able to see your faults and admit them. You stated “I took my wife for granted” That is something that we men can do so easily; I speak for man because I am one and my guess would be that it also applies to women taking their husbands for granted also.

    I am glad to hear that your “…marriage is getting back on tract”. The words that I have read about your attitude towards God are remarkable! Living up to your high standards is going to be real tough but you are right on my brother!

    The atheist person that responded to you seems to care, is sincere, and I think really wants to help you. However, as you know some of us Christians believe that it takes a supernatural intervention in some situations that only our Triune God can provide. I believe that an unforgiving spirit, tangled emotions, and complex relationship issues surely takes our God to help us out.

    Your perseverance and dedication to God is very encouraging. I am so glad that you and your wife are doing better. Everybody wins when a marriage is strengthened and you can see God’s mercy and grace have been applied.

    When you have gone through some trials of life you can understand a little better why Romans 8:28 is such a powerful verse.

    Thanks again Jesus Freak for your perseverance and being an encourager




     
  19. Xain

    Xain Newbie

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    Hi Satine

    You know I only came to this post out of desperation. I only found it because I wanted to know what other Christian's did in this situation "where your wife says she does not love you anymore". I had never heard my wife say that too me before and I can tell you that when you love someone as much as I do it is very very disheartening. I have felt like I was slowly dying and I now know what a broken heart is and feels like. I can say that since I posted on this site I have had some amazing things happen. And I am very grateful that they did happen. But I put it all down to this.

    Praying - I was taught how to pray many years ago and at first it seemed very stupid, dumb and laughable. However I have found it to be a challenging thing to do - whereby I ask God to do something for me and most of the time he does it. For me this is how it is. I recently said these words.

    Dear Lord please help me with my wife and heal our marriage, I dont know what is wrong or what is going on but I know I love my wife. Please forgive me for the way I have treated her and the wrong things I have done. I forgive her for the wrong things she has done to me. I am sorry I have got angry and that I have not obeyed you when I should have. I repent of my sins and just want to have a loving relationship. Please help me God Amen.

    Since that prayer things have been going ok. I do still feel very sad for what is going on and it does hurt me that I am in this situation. I can feel for you when you talk about being a daughter....... As a father I have done many wrong things of which I have just wanted to roll over and die and hope not to wake up again. But that is because I have looked at the problems and they have just got bigger in my head and mostly are not true as they appear bigger than they seem.

    I find that forgiveness is one of the most powerful things we can do yet it can be so extremely hard to do. I know that I would never have forgiven my stepfather for how he treated me and my own father if I had not had God in my life. He showed me once how he saw my Mother and Father and they were so beautiful I could not believe that my parents were that beautiful even my Dad who I once hated for how he treated me. I cried for a long time that day and forgave them both for divorcing as it really did rip my heart in two when my mother left my father.

    Anyway I am hogging this thread again :)
     
  20. FallenPaladin

    FallenPaladin Active Member

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    Men become boring so women leave. Its like that old song goes, 'If you wanna get to heaven you got to raise a little hell.' Meaning, you have to create real or artificial drama occasionally for some women to stay interested. Otherwise they start feeling like they live in a gilded cage and they decide they'd rather just have half your paycheck than you with your whole paycheck. Some women are not so fickle. Its a shame men don't always choose wives based on their virtues.
     
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