My wife says she doesn't love me anymore

[mattybartholomew]

Back in December, she told me that she didn't love me anymore, and that I didn't love her unconditionally

Unconditional Love, that's a good one.

So you are supposed to love her (reward bad behavior), regardless of how she acts?

I know women are crazy, but she really is a nutter----ain't she?

We all know that romantic love is not unconditional. If you cheat on your spouse, you probably have killed the relationship unless your partner doesn't have any other options.

If you gain 30+ lbs, you are killing your partners attraction for you and ending their one outlet for sex.

 

[mattybartholomew]

She scratched the hell out of my son the other day, for disrepecting her. So bad, that it formed scabs on his shoulder and arm.

Did you scratch her back?

I'm serious!

She abuses your child, and your gonna take that lying down? You should definitely go to the police with this. It's gonna help you to get sole custody during the divorce proceedings.

My reaction could have been, and her's would've have been if I did it, to take the kids and leave. I let it go, and didn't say a word about it to my wife. I did speak to my son about disrespect.

Dude, your son disrespects your wife (roommate), she abuses him and then you "have a talk" about disrespecting his mother? Are you as crazy as your wife is?

Imagine how that makes your son feel. God entrusts parents with the raising of HIS CHILDREN.

You need to stand up to your wife---in front of your son, and demand she apologizes to him.

This doesn't set a good example for him. He sees that it's normal for a man to let his wife walk all over him.

I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt him, and regretted what she had done, so what good would it have done for me to harbor anger or bitterness towards her. I know I am not supposed to harbor any of those negative feelings, because it will only damage my relationship to Christ. Therefore, I chose to let it go, and not let that stop me from loving her.

Brother, are you serious?

 

[Mandy_S]

Mandy, you are assuming that JF has neglected his wife similar to what the character played by Kirk Cameron did in the movie.

Way to stereo type Jesus Freak. and that was my point all along. If JF is being the perfect husband (we have no way of knowing until HE informs us) then why would you suggest he do "the love dare"

it's easy to see that you've seen the movie....one that stereotypically paints the husband "the problem"

When in fact Women file for divorce the majority of the time
When in fact Women cheat just as much as men
When in fact Women are more likely to be the abusers

So when you would like to to stop advising folks based on stereotypes and for a change start advising them based on what information you've been provided, I'll stop calling you out.

Back on Topic, JF....look into the book I posted

I am in no way insinuating that JF is the one in the wrong..Whether he is or she is is irrelevant...He is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the church regardless if she is in the wrong. Are you sure you have seen the movie?? If so, do you not remember the part in the movie where he is talking to his father complaining about how stubborn she is and makes everything difficult for him and doesn't show him any gratitude whatsover? That he feels like her enemy and feels like he isn't even welcome in his own home? He then goes on to ask how he can show love to someone over and over who constantly rejects him...It is then his father leans against the cross to show him that is exactly what Christ done for us...The world constantly rejected Him but yet out of His love he still loved us and gave his life up for us...That is the whole point..That is how he is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the church...No matter who is in the wrong, no matter what she has done or will continue to do, He is commanded to love her as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us. I was in no way stereotyping JF..It sounds to me like she is the one in the wrong, but that doesn't matter..He is still instructed to love her.

 

[Mandy_S]

Unconditional Love, that's a good one.

So you are supposed to love her (reward bad behavior), regardless of how she acts?

I know women are crazy, but she really is a nutter----ain't she?

We all know that romantic love is not unconditional. If you cheat on your spouse, you probably have killed the relationship unless your partner doesn't have any other options.

If you gain 30+ lbs, you are killing your partners attraction for you and ending their one outlet for sex.

He can love her without rewarding bad behavior..What you are saying is the he should not be loving her as Christ loved the church, which he is instructed to do..Calling his wife names is not doing him any good..He needs to look to the word of God to show him how to deal with this situation..and He is instructed to love her as Christ loved the church..After all..was the church good to Christ?? Absolutely not, they rejected Him but out of His amazing love, He still gave himself up for her. That is the love this man should show to his wife. He is genuinly concerned for his marriage and telling him is wife is crazy and insinuating the divorce is going to happen regardless is doing nothing for him.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I know that Christ is going to send many to Hell, many of whom believe that they will be going to Heaven. I know that Jesus isn't a boyfriend/doormat nor did I refer to Him as such. It was Christ who commanded husbands to love their wives. He also commanded wives to respect their husbands. I do agree that we should discern the books we choose to read and this book mentioned is biblically sound. The advice from the book is based on scripture. Christ is justified in sending people to Hell but it is also commanded in Colossians 3:19 "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." So please if you can contribute to this mans troubles with scripture please do, rather than calling him a limp noodle. This man posed trouble and it seems he could possibly be unevenly yoked. I don't have all of the information I just know what my wife and I went through when I wasn't saved. Your profile doesn't imply that you are married so if not how would you be able to offer any marriage advice? If however you are, please provide scripture to help this man not just name calling.

His wife abused his son and you still want him to pander to her. Love is not about enabling evil or wicked behavior. It is about righteousness in Christ. Did Jesus love those he corrected? What makes you think a man tolerating nonsense from his wife is a form of love?

 

[mattybartholomew]

He can love her without rewarding bad behavior..What you are saying is the he should not be loving her as Christ loved the church, which he is instructed to do..Calling his wife names is not doing him any good..He needs to look to the word of God to show him how to deal with this situation..and He is instructed to love her as Christ loved the church..After all..was the church good to Christ?? Absolutely not, they rejected Him but out of His amazing love, He still gave himself up for her. That is the love this man should show to his wife.

And we see how that is working for him, don't we?

Let's get back to the real world, shall we?

For a relationship to work, the woman has to RESPECT her man. By loving her as Christ loves the church (IE...letting her walk all over him), she loses EVEN MORE respect for him.

Bottom line is this guy shouldn't listen to a woman for relationship advice. Cause we all know women give terrible relationship advise to men.

Jesus Freak, if you want to get this woman back (I don't know why you would), you need to learn how to attract a woman and how to keep her attracted to you.

And DOMINANCE plays a big part in it.

But, it's going to be very very hard to go back to the drawing board with this one. Historically speaking women who lose respect for her man (low interest level), never get it back. Not saying it can't happen, but it will take a lot of work and she may still never respect you.

He is genuinly concerned for his marriage and telling him is wife is crazy and insinuating the divorce is going to happen regardless is doing nothing for him.

Our brother here is walking around with blinders on.

His wife abused his son, and he's too "whipped" to do anything about it.

Women are crazy. Ya'll have more mental disorders than guys and most mental disorders men have, come from their relationships with women, lol.

I advised that he go to the cops, because 1). It's the right thing to do. 2) There is a good possibility he will go through a divorce, and he needs to make sure he gets custody. 3) His son needs to know his father will stand up for him to ANYONE. 4) His wife needs to see that he actually has a pair.

 

[jham123]

Mandy, I know this is crazy crazy crazy......try to indulge me

What if JF is is loving his wife like Christ loves the church?

I know it is almost impossible for the man to "doing it correctly"

But just what if.......It sounds to me like JF is giving all his efforts.

How 'bout we do something completely crazy?? How 'bout we stop stereotyping JF as being some sort of ogre that no woman could love...rather....let's just be silly crazy and ASSUME that JF is just a normal guy and and and.......JUST MAYBE the woman in this case is truly the one with an issue.......

I know.....ground shattering isn't it.......

How could I be such a silly heart.....we all know that if there is marital strife...it must be the Man's fault huh pumpkin?? Even the movie pointed that Fact out.

So, lets not look at things with any equality.....Jesus Freak, obviously, since you have a "hang me down" part instead of lumps on your chest.......obviously that is the problem.......

Sheesh, that was easy......I can go about my day with all the pleasure of knowing that any problems in life can be attributed immediately to the male halves out there.

I feel great........

 

[Mandy_S]

And we see how that is working for him, don't we?

Let's get back to the real world, shall we?

For a relationship to work, the woman has to RESPECT her man. By loving her as Christ loves the church (IE...letting her walk all over him), she loses EVEN MORE respect for him.

Bottom line is this guy shouldn't listen to a woman for relationship advice. Cause we all know women give terrible relationship advise to men.

Jesus Freak, if you want to get this woman back (I don't know why you would), you need to learn how to attract a woman and how to keep her attracted to you.

And DOMINANCE plays a big part in it.

But, it's going to be very very hard to go back to the drawing board with this one. Historically speaking women who lose respect for her man (low interest level), never get it back. Not saying it can't happen, but it will take a lot of work and she may still never respect you.




Our brother here is walking around with blinders on.

His wife abused his son, and he's too "whipped" to do anything about it.

Women are crazy. Ya'll have more mental disorders than guys and most mental disorders men have, come from their relationships with women, lol.

I advised that he go to the cops, because 1). It's the right thing to do. 2) There is a good possibility he will go through a divorce, and he needs to make sure he gets custody. 3) His son needs to know his father will stand up for him to ANYONE. 4) His wife needs to see that he actually has a pair.

The Bible doesn't say..Husbands love your wife as Christ loves this church IF she respects you, or if she does this or that...Loving your wife as Christ loved the church is just what it says..Even though the church rejected Christ over and over..He still loved her and gave himself up for her. And this woman has been through the fire and back with her husband..plus my husband has given him advice as well. I lost alot of respect for my husband..but with his salvation and help from Christ..I have a tremendous amount of respect for him..so yes, respect can be returned, or come about if never there to begin with. He has already said that she didn't mean to do it...you can't jump up and scream "child abuse" when you don't know the whole story..I'm sure if this man really thought she was abusing her child, he would not stand back and let her do it. Do you have a wife..If not then how can you give advice to him about women since you don't think woman should be giving him advice..and if you are...then you should know that respect comes from the wife willingly when she is loved as Christ loved..Not from dominance...It isn't about dominance..A Christian wife willingly submits to her husband when he loves her..And loving does not involve bullying his wife so he can feel manly.

 

[Mandy_S]

Mandy, I know this is crazy crazy crazy......try to indulge me

What if JF is is loving his wife like Christ loves the church?

I know it is almost impossible for the man to "doing it correctly"

But just what if.......It sounds to me like JF is giving all his efforts.

How 'bout we do something completely crazy?? How 'bout we stop stereotyping JF as being some sort of ogre that no woman could love...rather....let's just be silly crazy and ASSUME that JF is just a normal guy and and and.......JUST MAYBE the woman in this case is truly the one with an issue.......

I know.....ground shattering isn't it.......

How could I be such a silly heart.....we all know that if there is marital strife...it must be the Man's fault huh pumpkin?? Even the movie pointed that Fact out.

So, lets not look at things with any equality.....Jesus Freak, obviously, since you have a "hang me down" part instead of lumps on your chest.......obviously that is the problem.......

Sheesh, that was easy......I can go about my day with all the pleasure of knowing that any problems in life can be attributed immediately to the male halves out there.

I feel great........

I honeslty don't know why you keep insinuating that I am saying he is in the wrong...If he has been loving her as Christ loved the church..good for him..he needs to continue to do so...I have already said that it seems to be that she is the one in the wrong...so i guess i just said it again. And I know for a fact it isn't impossible for a man to "do it correctly" for my husband does very well...I am not a man hater or whatever you seem to think lol...Regardless of whether she is in the wrong or not..He is still instructed to love her as Christ loved the church. This movie could have gone the same way if it was the woman who initially treated him badly...In the end of the movie...he finds out that it was not his father that done the love dare on his mother...but that his mother had done the love dare on his father! It doesn't matter who started what for whatever..we need to follow the biblical instruction of what a husband (or wife) should be.

 

[jham123]

So as Matty points out, "the Love dare" panders to the other.

The problem here is that the woman is already walking all over a good man.......pandering or "The Love Dare" may not be the right response. Should he show her more love???

She need to understand what the real world is all about. It's not fun for anyone to be out there after the divorce papers are signed....the grass may look greener....but it is not.

 

[Mandy_S]

So as Matty points out, "the Love dare" panders to the other.

The problem here is that the woman is already walking all over a good man.......pandering or "The Love Dare" may not be the right response. Should he show her more love???

She need to understand what the real world is all about. It's not fun for anyone to be out there after the divorce papers are signed....the grass may look greener....but it is not.

Should he show her more love?? Quite simply yes...He needs to continue to love her and pray for her...Showing her more love will definitely not do any harm...He can be the leader of his household lovingly without belittling her, especially in front of their children.

 

[mattybartholomew]

He can be the leader of his household lovingly without belittling her, especially in front of their children.

Nobody here said he should "belittle" her in front of the kids.

But in my opinion these kids have had a front row seat to their marriage, and he wants to institute a regime change, the troops need to see it first hand.

 

[Mandy_S]

Nobody here said he should "belittle" her in front of the kids.

But in my opinion these kids have had a front row seat to their marriage, and he wants to institute a regime change, the troops need to see it first hand.

"You need to stand up to your wife---in front of your son, and demand she apologizes to him."

That is belittling her in front of her children...If he feels she should apologize to their son..he should take her aside and lovingly explain to her that she shouldn't have done what she did and that she may need to apologize.

 

[dinonum]

Yeah, if he were to take her in front of the son like that, it definitely would be what I consider "belittling". The family isn't a militant group, it's a family. To make a scene like that in front of the son is risking the wife reacting poorly and defensively, and just like my mom never let us just apologize to each other when we were getting yelled at, an apology in that moment isn't a true apology, it's forced.

 

[mattybartholomew]

The Bible doesn't say..Husbands love your wife as Christ loves this church IF she respects you, or if she does this or that...Loving your wife as Christ loved the church is just what it says.

I agree.

Though doesn't God/Jesus discipline the church when needed?

I know I'm opening a can of worms with that statement.

I lost alot of respect for my husband..but with his salvation and help from Christ..I have a tremendous amount of respect for him..so yes, respect can be returned, or come about if never there to begin with.

Congrats!

And I'm not being sarcastic either.

Maybe you could outline EXACTLY what your husband did, that increased your respect (interest level) for him?

He has already said that she didn't mean to do it...you can't jump up and scream "child abuse" when you don't know the whole story..

That's rich.

If the script was flipped and a guy had scratched his daughter so bad it caused scabs, we both know you wouldn't have the same opinion.

I'm sure if this man really thought she was abusing her child, he would not stand back and let her do it.

I doubt that.

Do you have a wife..

No I do not.

If not then how can you give advice to him about women since you don't think woman should be giving him advice.

I've had live in girlfriends before, and am very successful with women.

Just cause I haven't been suckered into a Western marriage, doesn't mean I can't advise our brother here on attraction.

Not from dominance...It isn't about dominance..A Christian wife willingly submits to her husband when he loves her..And loving does not involve bullying his wife so he can feel manly.

What does Dominance has to do with being a bully?

 

[mattybartholomew]

Yeah, if he were to take her in front of the son like that, it definitely would be what I consider "belittling".

And the sick truth is she would probably be secretly turned on by his display of dominant behavior.

"Thank God, He's finally acting like a real man!"

To make a scene like that in front of the son is risking the wife reacting poorly and defensively

She's already acting poorly, so what's the difference?

At least he would get some self-respect out of the exchange.

And you use the word "risk". What does he have to lose? Sex? hahahaha. From what I can see, he ain't getting any from her.

 

[Mandy_S]

I agree.

Though doesn't God/Jesus discipline the church when needed?

I know I'm opening a can of worms with that statement.




Congrats!

And I'm not being sarcastic either.

Maybe you could outline EXACTLY what your husband did, that increased your respect (interest level) for him?






That's rich.

If the script was flipped and a guy had scratched his daughter so bad it caused scabs, we both know you wouldn't have the same opinion.



I doubt that.





No I do not.



I've had live in girlfriends before, and am very successful with women.

Just cause I haven't been suckered into a Western marriage, doesn't mean I can't advise our brother here on attraction.






What does Dominance has to do with being a bully?

Yes he did..but the Bible doesn't instruct "Husband discipline your wives as Christ disciplines the church" It says...

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them


I became a Christian before my husband but I didn't know how to properly respect him as I am instructed to...I struggled but I was slowly learning how to do so...My husband was finally saved and once we both learned how to treat each other as we should (through a tremendous amount of trial first) Respect for me came easliy...With a husbands love, a wife willingly submits and respects her husband..with a respectful wife..a husband willingly loves his wife..If they are unequally yoked then the other spouse can do nothing but love and respect them to the fullest extent and pray for them.

If the script was flipped and it was the other way around..Yes I would have the same opinion.

Just because you doubt it, doesn't mean it isn't true. Especially since you don't know much about the situation.

And I'm sorry but having live in girlfriends living in a sinful lifestyle does not hold up to having a strong biblical marriage...

Then if that is the case why did you tell me that because I'm not a man I can't give advice to him..When I have been through a tremendous fire in my marriage that ultimately strenghtened it more than I thought possible.

The way you have been instructing him to act towards his wife is bullying behavior.

 

[mattybartholomew]

And I'm sorry but having live in girlfriends living in a sinful lifestyle does not hold up to having a strong biblical marriage...

I agree. And just for clarification I wasn't trying to say otherwise or that it's ok to cohabitate as a way to get around God's design for sex.

The way you have been instructing him to act towards his wife is bullying behavior.

I'm trying to get this guy to develop some self-respect and self-esteem. If he doesn't respect himself, how is his wife going to respect him?

 

[Mandy_S]

I agree. And just for clarification I wasn't trying to say otherwise or that it's ok to cohabitate as a way to get around God's design for sex.






I'm trying to get this guy to develop some self-respect and self-esteem. If he doesn't respect himself, how is his wife going to respect him?

I can understand what you are trying to get at..But he can have self-respect while at the same time loving his wife and showing her so..He isn't any less of a man for being loving with his wife and talking to her and treating her in a loving manner regardless of how she treats him..Yes boundaries should be set that involve sin..However, believe me..from personal experience..A wife is much more likely to respect her husband if he is showing her godly love rather than trying to dominate her.

 

[mattybartholomew]

I can understand what you are trying to get at..But he can have self-respect while at the same time loving his wife and showing her so..He isn't any less of a man for being loving with his wife and talking to her and treating her in a loving manner regardless of how she treats him..Yes boundaries should be set that involve sin..However, believe me..from personal experience..A wife is much more likely to respect her husband if he is showing her godly love rather than trying to dominate her.

So, how does Jesus Freak improve his situation with his wife?

I was reading through his posts and this one struck me :

I have said her physical appearance does turn me off sometimes (t-shirt and gym shorts, most of the time), but also the watching of "The Batchelor", her recent drinking of Daquiri's, time spent texting(even when driving), Facebooking, not desiring to read the Bible or participate in any Bible study, all play a part in my trying to love her.


What is see here is this:

She has let herself go (no self worth/or attraction for the husband), When your attracted to someone, you want to look your best for them, so they will find you attractive as well.

Watching the bachelor (fantasy land), I presume that she either wishes she was hot woman that men found desirable (validation), she wishes she had a man who was charming/handsome/sexy/confident...etc

Drinking (escapism), She might be drinking to drown her guilt/shame, Regret over her relationship with God/Husband, or needing the liquor for "liquid courage" for flirting/cheating with men.

Texting (Either to her friends or a guy gaming her) I am sure she has been texting a guy friend. Doesn't make sense to me she would be texting a female friend non stop.

Facebooking (Attention) Facebook/Myspace is all about getting attention. And women love attention, primarily from the opposite sex.


And by not participating in the bible studies---what I see here is that she either doesn't respect her husband (that is obvious), so she doesn't take to his leading their spiritual life, or is committing a sin (cheating) so she is distancing herself from God.


Now what is he to do?

I think he needs to call her bluff, let her file for divorce.