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My wife never wants to see my parents and I find it quite unfair

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by KingFisher97, Mar 5, 2021.

  1. KingFisher97

    KingFisher97 New Member

    41
    +34
    United States
    Lutheran
    Married
    My wife really doesn’t like my family for no real reason. My dad was military and so are my wife and I and my dad likes to talk to her about it which she hates and will complain about my poor dad for hours when we get home. I feel so bad for my folks. Her family lives across the country and I love them and if they were as close to us as my parents were I’d visit them all the time with her as they are very close too. I know that a Husband and wife are supposed to cling to one another and separate from our parents but my parents live like 30 minutes away from us. They absolutely love my wife and she really doesn’t like them and I truly feel so bad for my parents. They have no family (their parents are dead and siblings estranged) and I’m their only child and having my wife was such an excitement to them. I know my ultimate allegiance is to my wife but I feel like I’m breaking my parents heart too. I want to talk to my wife about it but she’s not that easy to talk to about these things as she gets worked up really easy. What should I do about this? I sometimes have to make some event up to tell my parents that we can’t get together when the real reason is my wife just doesn’t want to. What should I do about this?
     
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  2. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

    +4,697
    United States
    Charismatic
    Married
    US-Others
    We strangers online won't be able to bring you very far on this one, but I'm willing to add my two cents.
    1. Is there any rhyme & reason to the subject of her complaints (like politics), or does she just object to your dad's demeanor?
    2. How is she with your mom?
    3. How is she with her own parents?
    4. How similar are her parents to your parents, from your experience?
     
  3. Pop D.

    Pop D. Member

    46
    +82
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Have you tried asking your dad not to bring that subject up around her?
     
  4. SoldierOfTheKing

    SoldierOfTheKing Christian Spenglerian

    +2,750
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Married
    Visit your parent's when you want to visit them. If your wife doesn't want to, she doesn't have to come along. It's really just like with any activity that you like but your wife doesn't. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to do everything together.
     
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  5. KingFisher97

    KingFisher97 New Member

    41
    +34
    United States
    Lutheran
    Married
    I have. He’s good and keeps quiet but then ends up breaking. So that I understand. But the fact that she feels so strongly seems unfair to me. Her parents constantly bring up things I don’t want to talk about yet I love them to death. Just feel bad for my folks even if it can be my dads fault sometimes.
     
  6. KingFisher97

    KingFisher97 New Member

    41
    +34
    United States
    Lutheran
    Married
    My wife is interesting. If I wanted to do that I would probably be verbally berated.
     
  7. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

    +4,697
    United States
    Charismatic
    Married
    US-Others
  8. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    +5,142
    Non-Denom
    Married
    You could remind her that they look forward to seeing her and that God wants you to honor your parents and then talk with her about what that means - perhaps reach a compromise.
     
  9. returntosender

    returntosender EL ROI

    +1,974
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    US-Others
    Remember she comes 2nd over God but first over your parents.
     
  10. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc We are saved purely by the work and grace of God. Supporter

    +2,917
    United States
    Calvinist
    Married
    My wife would know where you are coming from. I've met my mother in law once but only because my and I drove to Massachusetts to pickup her things from her apartment when we were moving in together. But, I have NEVER met my Father in law nor any of her 3 siblings and I never will. Why? I don't get along with either of her sisters period. They think I'm a toxic and bad influence on her when it is in fact, it is farther from the truth.


    When I wanted to marry her I had to have a quite scary conversation with her dad in which, he got completely intoxicated for the phone call and made all kinds of death threats against me and eventually, gave me his blessing (Which he later took back and I married her anyway). I don't know why. I did nothing against the man, my only crime was that I wanted to marry his daughter. I was nothing but full on respectful to the man and tried to get along with him but he continues to threaten violence against me each and every time he calls my wife on the phone (Which is barely never. He called maybe 3 times in the almost 8 years we've been together.)

    He nor any of her family were at our wedding, her sister didn't want to take any part in a marriage that was going to fail (HA! lasted nearly 10 years and continuing strong!) she told her dad about the wedding like 2 days before it happened because I didn't feel comfortable with him attending with his constant alcoholism and threats. Her brother was on active duty in the Air Force and couldn't get leave (He's the only sibling that I like and I think has a head straight on his shoulders). Just... idk most of her family is crazy. I'm sorry but when you threaten to shoot your future son in law with a shotgun... or to "take me fishing and I can ask my wife what that means" (She later told me it meant to take me out to a lake and tie cinderblocks to my feet and let me drown)

    Yeah... not going to meet that. I don't mind my wife going to visit her family alone but unless I'm meeting her brother and his girlfriend... I'm not ever going.

    That being said I don't have any advice for you. I'm just letting you know you're not alone. Dislike for the inlaws on either side is quite a common thing. No man will ever be good enough for her daddy and no woman will ever be good enough for momma's boy. Just the way things are.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2021
  11. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

    +12,673
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    How did your wife behave towards your parents prior to marriage? Did she voice her dislike or concern? You mention the probability of being berated if you didn’t take her with you while visiting. Did you experience similar treatment before marriage?

    Yours in His Service,

    ~bella
     
  12. Maria Billingsley

    Maria Billingsley Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,341
    United States
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Welcome! If the only thing bothering your wife is talking about the military, kindly ask your father not to bring it up. Also, you visit your parents on your own. Eventually she will understand how important they are to you and join you.
    Be blessed.
     
  13. SoldierOfTheKing

    SoldierOfTheKing Christian Spenglerian

    +2,750
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Married
    Do you talk to her like that? Then why let her treat you that way?

    Let me add this - if she can keep you from your parents for fear of verbal chastisement, what can't she do? Where will it end? Where will you finally put your foot down? These aren't rhetorical questions - this is an important matter for you to decide. Just how much disrespect from your wife are you prepared to tolerate?
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2021
  14. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,024
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    there's no reason you can't visit your parents whenever you want to without your wife

    you must know the reason she doesn't want to talk about the military and why it upsets her?
    why should she visit when it's so stressful?

    leave her at home & visit/they'll be happy to see YOU
    plus gives time away from each other to recharge

    no need to feel sorry for your parents - if they want more family, they can reconcile with their siblings
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2021
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