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My wife loves me, but has never been in love with me

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Fred Blinsmon, Apr 8, 2021 at 1:30 PM.

  1. Fred Blinsmon

    Fred Blinsmon New Member

    3
    +5
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I've been married now for almost 19 years. Me and my wife were both pretty young when we got married at only 21 years old. Our marriage has been through some serious ups and downs over the years. I'll admit that the downs are largely my fault as I've not always been the type of man I wanted to be, and done things I'm not proud of. In the past 3 years we've been trying to work on our issues and get to a better place. Recently it came out that my wife, who I have no doubt loves me, has never been in love with me in our entire relationship. I'm not sure if she even knows how to be honest. My wife was born blind and I think at least partly due to that her emotional development was stunted. That and having parents who had no idea how to teach what most instinctively know to teach or demonstrate to their daughters. At any rate I've been in counseling for over 2 years now and my demons of depression and anxiety haunt me. Along with the shame, guilt and self-disgust at the horrible choices I've made in life and how they've hurt the people around me. So with this new development I am truly at my wits end as to what to do. I desperately desire and wish to have a deep and intimate connection with my wife for I do love her very much. We couldn't be more different people however. Our core personalities couldn't be more different and we've always struggled with communication. I don't even really know why I'm posting this in any kind of a public forum except out of a sense of despair and desperation. I've been praying and begging God for help in this and don't know what to do. I don't know if its even possible that she could fall in love with me after all we've been through and as long as we've been together. I pray its possible and God can work a miracle in this. Maybe I'm not the first person to go through this. If you've got any words of wisdom I would welcome them.
     
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  2. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +39,124
    United States
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    US-Others
    Let me just say that blind people do not become emotionally stumped by being blind. We have blind people in the family and they are fully functioning people in every way. I do not know what you’ve done in the past or why your wife feels as she does but it might be a wise idea to see a professional marriage counselor together. Prayers for your wisdom and discernment in your journey towards healing your marriage.
     
  3. Fred Blinsmon

    Fred Blinsmon New Member

    3
    +5
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    We did seek out marriage counseling two years ago. He eventually cut us off telling us that we had to many individual issues for marriage counseling to work. Her therapist recently told her that she didn't need weekly sessions anymore. Whereas me I'm more depressed than ever.
     
  4. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +39,124
    United States
    Catholic
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    US-Others
    Well one marriage therapist releasing you does not exclude other marriage therapists that are willing to take you on as a couple.

    As far as your depression, that’s something you should see a medical doctor about.
     
  5. pescador

    pescador Newbie Supporter

    +3,134
    Christian
    Married
    Hi Fred,

    Thanks for posting the above; perhaps I can be of some assistance. I've been married for 51 years and believe I've learned some things that may be of value.

    1) Love your wife as you love yourself, paraphrasing Jesus' command to love your neighbor as yourself.
    2) I have struggled with depression for most of my life, so I am more than familiar with the feeling.
    3) => Most important <= Do whatever you can to make your wife happy without expecting anything in return.

    Since you've been married for almost 19 years you undoubtedly know what the things are that make her happy and appreciative. In my case it's doing whatever I can "around the house": doing the dishes, folding and putting away the laundry, straightening up whatever mess we have made. These things are in addition to what I normally do, such as paying the bills.

    If I have times of depression (such as today) I get outside and get some exercise, regardless of how I feel. I have been told that my endorphins increase whenever I get exercise so if, like today, I don't feel great emotionally and/or physically, I make myself exercise. Nothing dramatic, just doing what I can day by day. My preferred exercise is Nordic walking: using poles to get upper body strength as I stride purposely. I'm not saying that's the exercise for you, but doing what you can physically will help you mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

    My goal is twofold: I want to be as healthy, mentally, emotionally, and physically, as possible so that my needs are taken care of without burdening my wife. I try to make her life as easy and rewarding as possible, which rewards both of us. She does so much for me that my efforts pale in comparison, but I do as much as I can for her.

    I know that God gave me my wife, and that she is more than bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. She is the most important person in my life, so I try to see her "with God's eyes." I depend on the Lord to guide me along those lines regardless of how I feel. Please do not give up hope!

    Finally, ask your wife directly what you (singular) can do to make your (plural) situation better. There is no need to look back on previous problems; look forward to a future with each other filled with love and happiness.
     
  6. Jake Arsenal

    Jake Arsenal Member

    150
    +73
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    This "in love" thing is an idiom and unimportant to your relationship. I have only been married for 14 years, but I have learned that true love is an action that is not always accompanied by pleasant feelings; most of the time, it is necessary to perform love acts(as @pescador described) when we don't want to because it goes against our selfish nature. Focus on Biblical teachings about love.
     
  7. pescador

    pescador Newbie Supporter

    +3,134
    Christian
    Married
    Jesus said to love our neighbor as ourselves The implication is action, not emotion. The most Christian thing that anyone can do is to do everything they can to make the "neighbor's" life better. By doing so, your life becomes better.
     
  8. Clare73

    Clare73 Blood-bought

    +867
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Sounds like an obedience problem.

    How's your obedience to God?

    Get quiet, calm down.

    Work on your own heart. Choose kindness, thoughtfulness, helpfulness.
    You've got some repairing to do, according to your story.

    It will take time for her to trust you.
    And it matters not how long, you're in it for the long haul.
    You should be practicing these things from the heart anyway.

    When you become the person she can trust, she will gradually change.
    "In love" is not the goal. True, deep, abiding, trusting love is the goal.
    It wears better and longer anyway.
     
  9. Petrichor92

    Petrichor92 New Member

    1
    +0
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I don't have any words of wisdom. I've only been married five years and we've had some similar challenges. What I will say is that I am praying for you and your wife. If you're like me, sometimes it feels like you're the only one going through this and no married couples have ever encountered these challenges, and everyone else in the world is happy. Take heart that that is not true. You are not alone in these challenges. I'm praying for peace and connection for you both.
     
  10. Fred Blinsmon

    Fred Blinsmon New Member

    3
    +5
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I'm very grateful for all of you who have left advice or insight. I often get to the point where my depression is so deep that it becomes impossible to think of things I haven't already tried. I'm no saint and I know my wife isn't either, but she's put up with and been through a lot because of me. The more I study the Bible the more I realize how incredibly far short of the mark I have fallen in loving her as I should have from the word go. She deserves better than what she's gotten up to this point that for sure. Thank you all again for those who've taken the time to try and help.
     
  11. WolfGate

    WolfGate Senior Member

    +1,439
    Christian
    Married
    I am sure that is true, because it is true to some significant degree for almost everyone who is married. It comes with being human and being less mature, experienced and wise when we are younger. If you can set your intention to improve on it as you mature that is a major and wonderful goal and step both in your marriage and in sanctification.

    The emotion of being "in love" is a poor measuring stick which is outcome based versus process based. Long term happily married couples will almost all tell you while they have loved each other for decades (in my case over 30 years), there were times when they did not feel "in love". Emotions are fickle and not entirely under out control. How we respond to them - deciding to be true to the standards we set for ourselves and the commitments we make to our spouse and family - those are entirely within our control. Loving (choice and action) because it is true to God's standards and who we desire to be is worthy and keeps many relationships satisfying until the emotions come back around. Perhaps your wife due to issues you mentioned is not capable of being "in love". But it sounds from what you said like she desires to love, and really, that is more enduring and mature than emotional response and can absolutely be the basis for a happy marriage.

    I hope you will continue to work on the areas you have been already, and that you will begin to see past the depression and negativity it brings to appreciate the blessings and positives in what you have. I pray that God will guide you and draw your family close to Him.
     
  12. Swan7

    Swan7 Made in the image of His Grace Supporter

    +7,242
    Canada
    Christian
    Married
    I'm so glad to see/read that you have been seeking God! So many forget about God when trouble comes. Running to Him should be first nature to Christians. Keep seeking God in all aspects. Read God's Word, spend time with Him in prayer (not just asking Him for things, but praising Him as well), practice what you read in His Word.

    Being "in love" is a worldly term and not at all Biblical. God teaches us to love one another as Christ loved the Church: John 13:34, Ephesians 5:25
    I wouldn't at all blame her emotional development either. God makes everyone perfect and just the way He made us has purpose: Psalm 139:13-14
    "Indeed you created my inward parts
    You wove me in my mother’s womb.
    I praise you, because I am fearfully
    and wonderfully made.
    Wonderful are your works,
    and my soul knows it well."

    My parents had no idea what they were doing either, but God directed my path in the way I should go for Salvation and to live in His Way. I was not always obedient and for a long time I went my own way; until one day by God's Grace, I realized what I was doing and where I was heading.

    You have the wrong counselor. Our Counselor has immense Grace, Mercy and Love. More than any of us can comprehend. Our Lord Christ Jesus doesn't need us to tell Him everything we ever did to make a vague conclusion about why we are the way we are, and what we must do to fix ourselves when we can't even do that.

    Go to the One Who Saves, He is our Wonderful Counselor (among other major Titles): Isaiah 9:6

    Take everything to God and in time He will give to you a season to walk, and into the next season.Step by step: Ecclesiastes 3
    Things will be added to you (what these things are I don't know, for you personally): Matthew 6:25-33

    Don't we all? We struggle all the time to communicate with God and in turn we struggle to communicate to one another.

    I'll leave you with encouragement: Keep going forward with Christ Jesus, give Him your cares and worries, and don't forget to praise Him for what He has done for all. :yellowheart:
    Luke 18:1-8
     
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