My wife just asked me for a divorce but I do not want to divorce or ever asked for this

[Georgios22]

Today my wife asked me for a divorce and refuses to talk about her reasons as to why or her feelings. Just out of the blue a few days ago my wife just refused to talk to me without giving me real reasons as to why or what was the problem. Prior to that things seemed good between us. Then the next day compete silence and shut down. I still do not know what caused her to shut down or be like this because I thought everything was good between us with no indication prior.

Today she told me our marriage is just in paper with no difference and that really hurt me because I never seen our marriage just only on paper.

Can anyone shed some light on why would someone just be like this all of a sudden with no real reasons.

I am in so much pain and hurt right now.

Need direction and help from anyone that is willing to give it. I never was unfaithful or cheated on my wife so I do not know the reason as to why.

Please everyone out here pray for a miracle for me that we don't end up in divorce I still want to save my marriage but I am not sure how it is possible if one wants out.

I am open to hearing from a females perspective the rnaybe has gone through this with their husband and can help me to know how to deal with it.

 

[Haipule]

Was there any indication of a "greener pasture" for her such as another man/woman/hit the lottery. The suddenness seems odd.

One thing I want to know is, "Why is the husband always the last one to know?" In other words, someone else knows what's going on.

 

[Georgios22]

Well she recently went on a holiday with her two children. So not sure if she met someone there as a new man. But all I know is we were talking fine for one week then the next day she refuses to talk to me and tells me to leave her alone she is resting and does not want any communication anymore with me without any explanation or reasons just stonewalls me and does not care how I feel. So I am more confused and don't want to judge hero make a formulated opinion that xooos be wrong. But I do know she has met people there and photos were taken by someone where she was posing for a photo which might indicate and affair not sure or just an emotional attachment. But regardless the way she is acting is not right. Just out of the blue to be so cold like that to a loving husband. Just feel so disrespected now and like I am being treated like a piece of trash and who cares how I am feeling is her attitude. And not even giving me the decency to know at least why she want a divorce or the real reasons.

 

[Chaplain David]

To the OP, I suggest asking your wife if she will attend marriage counseling with you. It should be with a licensed marital counselor who is also a Christian. Sometimes our pastors are ideal for this and have experience counseling couples.

If you cannot get her to go to couples counseling with you, I suggest that you begin going to a therapist by yourself. Once again, I believe the counselor should be licensed, a Christian, and have experience counseling individuals and couples in distress.

God bless you two.

Faithfully,

 

[Hidden In Him]

does not want any communication anymore with me without any explanation or reasons just stonewalls me and does not care how I feel

Two suspicions came to mind:
1. Have you possibly been unfaithful in the past, and maybe she finally found out about it?
2. Have there been problems in the past that she tried to work out with you, yet it came to nothing?

I'm not wanting to accuse you here, but unless she's psychotic or something then there has to be a reason why she is now shutting you out; one that is more involved than her simply having a new man in her life.

 

[Sanoy]

I also suspect another man, but do not bring it up until you have good reason. Do not allow divorce until she explains.

She went on Holiday without you? That suggest an issue prior to going on Holiday.

 

[Georgios22]

To the OP, I suggest asking your wife if she will attend marriage counseling with you. It should be with a licensed marital counselor who is also a Christian. Sometimes our pastors are ideal for this and have experience counseling couples.

If you cannot get her to go to couples counseling with you, I suggest that you begin going to a therapist by yourself. Once again, I believe the counselor should be licensed, a Christian, and have experience counseling individuals and couples in distress.

God bless you two.

Faithfully,

I have asked her for counseling before but she says she is fine she does not need it. I have stated today to go to marriage counseling.

 

[Georgios22]

I also suspect another man, but do not bring it up until you have good reason. Do not allow divorce until she explains.

She went on Holiday without you? That suggest an issue prior to going on Holiday.

She told me the reasons today she said I do not make her calm and happy and she always feels irritated around me. And she said she has never been happier now that she is not taking to me or seeing me anymore. So she came to the conclusion her reason for divorce is because we are not compatible which I strongly believe they are just excuses for her real inner issues inside like her anger issues mood swings and easily gets stressed and lack of open communication when I wanted to talk about things or feelings and emotions and she just shuts down and said she did to want to talk about it. Or would change the subject.

 

[Georgios22]

Two suspicions came to mind:
1. Have you possibly been unfaithful in the past, and maybe she finally found out about it?
2. Have there been problems in the past that she tried to work out with you, yet it came to nothing?

I'm not wanting to accuse you here, but unless she's psychotic or something then there has to be a reason why she is now shutting you out; one that is more involved than her simply having a new man in her life.

I have never been unfaithful to her I take my marriage seriously being a Christian and knowing Gods divine judgement if I do that anyways which is a big sin adultery. Yes there were problems in the past a few months ago like on April where she said and complained that I was trying to tell her what to do or control her which I was not and she said to stop acting like her farther and act like a husband all because I was being constructive in my conversation with her and she took it as I was criticizing her. I have since apologized and made up for that becusse she felt I did that and I thought everything was back to normal and going great toll her trip then she just all of sudden refused all communication with me and stonewalled me. Till yesterday after I emailed her she replied a few times again staring no chance in our marriage and all negative things not any positive just only how happy she was without me and the happiest she has ever been which I think is not true. Because she was married prior to me this is her second marriage and she had the same issues with her first husband then when she met me she was very happy till the honeymoon phase ended which they say ends in about two years.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I have never been unfaithful to her I take my marriage seriously being a Christian and knowing Gods divine judgement if I do that anyways which is a big sin adultery. Yes there were problems in the past a few months ago like on April where she said and complained that I was trying to tell her what to do or control her which I was not and she said to stop acting like her farther and act like a husband all because I was being constructive in my conversation with her and she took it as I was criticizing her. I have since apologized and made up for that becusse she felt I did that and I thought everything was back to normal and going great toll her trip then she just all of sudden refused all communication with me and stonewalled me. Till yesterday after I emailed her she replied a few times again staring no chance in our marriage and all negative things not any positive just only how happy she was without me and the happiest she has ever been which I think is not true. Because she was married prior to me this is her second marriage and she had the same issues with her first husband then when she met me she was very happy till the honeymoon phase ended which they say ends in about two years.

Hmmm... so the same issues with the previous husband were over control and treating her "like a father instead of a husband"? How did she say you treated her like a father, and/ or were being controlling?

 

[Georgios22]

Hmmm... so the same issues with the previous husband were over control and treating her "like a father instead of a husband"? How did she say you treated her like a father, and/ or were being controlling?

All I know from what she told me about her ex- husband is he got on her nerves made her angry and and stressed and they did not see eye to eye and he tries to manipulate and control. And says he is a very bad person, which makes me questions things now was he really all that bad or she has previous issues that she never went to counseling to deal with and still to this day she refuses to go to marriage counseling even with me and our problems in the marriage. Now her saying I am like a father then a husband is because when I explain to her things what is on my mind or feel she takes and perceives it as uselsss advice or that I am lecturing her or make her feel inadequate she has also said to me before. Even at one point prior to this now where she wants out and a divorce and her decisions is supposedly final. That since she is not good enough maybe our marriage was a mistake which hurt me a lot to hear. And I should find someone else then. Then after we temporarily patched things up she never said she wanted a divorce I did, but in actuality I said then if your going to be so cold and heartless to me then what is the point ld being in the marriage and not opening up and since you say I am a mistake. I feel she has a lot of past emotional issues I think this stem from her father. Because he is not really around and her father was unfaithful to her mother and he drinks a lot.

 

[Sanoy]

I wonder if she is confusing the relaxation of a vacation with it being relaxation from being apart.

I would not submit to the divorce but also try and give her some space. Don't try and "fix it" just tell her that you love her and try to genuinely uplift her everyday. And pray.

 

[Georgios22]

I wonder if she is confusing the relaxation of a vacation with it being relaxation from being apart.

I would not submit to the divorce but also try and give her some space. Don't try and "fix it" just tell her that you love her and try to genuinely uplift her everyday. And pray.

Well that I could not tell you honestly. I cannot even tell you if her words are just words and her actions different. Meaning someone can just say yes I am happy without you to be spiteful or mean to to deliberately hurt becusse they know it would get to you or they really mean it and mistake that feeling as a way to take out what there real issues are at the person who is closest to them right and they say you always hurt the people you love whether intentional or not right. All I know is one week into her trip she seemed ok and fine then going to the second week she just [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] me out no contact and told me to leave her alone and she is resting as if she was not doing that before. It's like she did a complete 360 from being nice I love you to you mean nothing anymore move on your not worth my time or I am worthless. So this is why I am so confused. Becusse I did nit fight or argue with her just talked normal conversrinsn with her, but she seemed stressed and agitated at her two kids from a previous marriage. A lot and stressed out and when I asked her what is wrong she said nothing and then just out of the blue no contact stonewalling me. Which could be from her feeling as the term is used flooding. Which makes sense. I mean wharevwr it is I think she is taking it out on me but I do not feel I am the real issue that is truly bothering her. Maybe she found someone else that is like a high for her now and she is having an emotional affair with where she feels I might be lacking for her but in reality I am not she is Just shutting me out. So like a new toy of course it will be interesting. Till the dazzle wears off. And the illusions of an emotional affair wear off. Becusse affairs seldom last it's for the moment then when she crashes again who will she blame like a vicious cycle.

 

[Georgios22]

I wonder if she is confusing the relaxation of a vacation with it being relaxation from being apart.

I would not submit to the divorce but also try and give her some space. Don't try and "fix it" just tell her that you love her and try to genuinely uplift her everyday. And pray.

Also what do you mean by uplifting her she has shut me out completely, meaning she is not intersted anymore in saving our marriage or our marriage at all she sees it as marriage only on paper not a real marriage which is hurtful and sad to me. Or even probably hearing from me. So maybe you can explain to me what you mean by that and how I go about it. And as for fixing my marriage I am leaving it to a God that is all I can do now.

 

[Sanoy]

Also what do you mean by uplifting her she has shut me out completely, meaning she is not intersted anymore in saving our marriage or our marriage at all she sees it as marriage only on paper not a real marriage which is hurtful and sad to me. Or even probably hearing from me. So maybe you can explain to me what you mean by that and how I go about it. And as for fixing my marriage I am leaving it to a God that is all I can do now.

Women are the best communicators in general but that all seems to fall apart for the big stuff, in my experience at least. That is pretty incredulous to do a 180 on emotions in the middle of a vacation. There has to be something hidden going on.

Since she is not with you anymore you can mail her a letter with just a short note on it, that ends in I love you. On it you can recall memories of your marriage, or when you dated. I would not do it everyday, instead mail it so that some days there will be a letter and other days there isn't. Make it unpredictable. If she tells you to stop then stop.

You have to make the call to do that though. I can't tell enough by proxy to tell if that would reach her or annoy her.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Because he is not really around, and her father was unfaithful to her mother and he drinks a lot.

Yeah, just sounds like she developed a very resentful attitude towards the father/daughter relationship she had growing up, and whatever her concept was of a husband/wife relationship, whenever you started falling into the pattern she perceived as being like her father, she began rejecting you as inadequate "husband" material.

Without knowing her side of things, it does sound like she has some problems, ones that this new man (if she indeed has one) should probably know about as well, lest she end up doing it to a third guy.

And as for fixing my marriage I am leaving it to a God that is all I can do now.

Sorry to hear that this happened to you. I do think trusting yourself to God at this point is about the best advice we can give you. I hate to say it, but if she doesn't even want to work on things and won't even communicate to you what's going on, that sounds a bit like a child in some ways, and you may end up being grateful some day that the relationship came to an end (if indeed that ends up being what happens).

Best wishes, and entrust your heart to the Lord. He will take care of you. If you do your best to handle this like a man, and like the most caring and considerate person you can be under the circumstances, you can know that God is watching, and possibly preparing something much better for you in the future.

 

[Chaplain David]

I have asked her for counseling before but she says she is fine she does not need it. I have stated today to go to marriage counseling.

I'm praying for you two.

 

[ValleyGal]

And as for fixing my marriage I am leaving it to a God that is all I can do now.

Hmm. If this is how you approached your marriage, I can understand her. If she said it was a marriage in paper only, it means that she has not felt like it is a marriage relationship, and that is likely what she wanted. But if you have the same approach to marriage as you did to divorce (passive), then I can see her point. If you want this to work, you need to actually invest in a mutual, respectful relationship. Investment is proactive and requires initiative on your part. It means interaction, doing things together, being all-in, knowing her so well that you can anticipate her needs and meet them before she even expresses it. It means that you are an open book to her as well, where she can also anticipate your needs before you express - not that you can read each other's minds - and never, ever presume to - but knowing her means meeting the little needs. My friend has a husband who knows that she likes to have coffee first thing and she likes to sleep in even when she needs to be up - so every morning for many years now, he gets up and before he left for work, he would bring her coffee in bed. It's one of those little details that he has attended to, and that she appreciates.

Dr. Gottman (Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) calls this "love maps" - kinda like being familiar with the big map of who she is but zeroing in on some of those tiny details that only the most intimate of friends would know. Think Google maps, and the closer you zoom in, the more detailed the map. Doing this requires that you take an interest in the minutia of her life, and be invested in remembering the things that matter to her.

You should not be passive and "leave your marriage up to God now". If you want to save your marriage, you show some initiative, and be the best friend to her that you should have been all along. And since she has daddy issues, make absolutely certain that you never, ever treat her as beneath you or as a child. Not even a hint. She is your equal, so treat her that way. She is also your sister in Christ. Treat her like the princess she is, only due to the intimate nature of your relationship with her, treat her like you would treat every other sister in Christ only better! Invest yourself in her. Fight for your marriage!

 

[Chaplain David]

I have asked her for counseling before but she says she is fine she does not need it. I have stated today to go to marriage counseling.

Counseling could help you as a couple and make each aware of the other's wants and needs. But we cannot make someone join us in counseling. This is why you should go by yourself if she declines your invitation. You need assistance at this time. Sometimes we can find this in our church family, other family and friends. But we don't usually bare our soul to others. We can however talk about our deepest thoughts and feelings with a trained professional.

 

[Endeavourer]

Certain ways she has acted might indicate she is in an affair (I'll detail a few of them below.) I suggest some detective work without alerting her to your suspicions.

**Don't** ask her or confront her; it will just alert her to your suspicions and the affair, if any, will then be harder to find.

If you find evidence of an affair, **don't** confront her. Don't let on to her that you know anything. Instead, come back here and we'll work together to create a strategic plan to kill the affair.

While doing your investigation, though, I would suggest that you try to engage her in conversation, show her affection and spend time with her as she permits. Focus on presenting yourself as a better option versus whoever she may be developing an affair with, if that turns out to be true.

Don't make any decision that would harm your marriage until you know the full truth of what is going on.

Did you meet your wife before her divorce?