My wife cheated on me...

CrushedMan

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My wife and I have been married for eighteen years. We have three children between the ages of 12 and 6.

When my wife came back from work yesterday, she was upset. I had already made dinner for her and I brought her a cup of tea. I had no idea she was about to admit to cheating on me...

I asked her what was wrong. She said that she had made a big mess of her life. She said that she was far from God and that He doesn't answer her prayers.

I asked her what had brought her to this view, and she admitted to having had an affair since December last year (i.e. 9-10 months).

I was stunned.

Things have not been good between us for a few years now. We have not been having intimate relations. We have both been unhappy, my wife was on depression medication for a few years. I have anxiety. As a high school teacher, I've struggled to teach difficult students. I got squeezed-out of my job at my last school, so I decided to change careers... I got a new job in a different field after doing a year of Supply Teaching. A few days ago, I was told that I had to resign or I was going to fail my probation... so I quit, and have started teaching again...

And then this happens.

My wife didn't really ask for forgiveness. She said that I am a good person and that I don't deserve it, but I am worried that she does not really want our marriage to work. Yesterday, she said that she broke off the affair a couple of weeks ago. Today, she said that she was going to break off the affair, but that he did so first.

It has been a difficult 24 hours. I am trying to keep strong for the sake of our children. I do love my wife, I want to work things out. I do not believe that Christians should give-up on their marriages.

I am worried that she does not see things the same way.

I have said to her that she needs to come clean with me, if we are to be able to rebuild trust. I asked her about her affair, including how it happened, how frequently they met-up, and what his name is... Apparently, he is also married. He is older than her (in his fifties - we are in our early forties).

She won't tell me his name. I don't like that. She is protecting his identity rather than being open and honest with me.

I asked her if she had been out in public with him. She said yes, but far from here. I said that there is still the potential for others to know about the affair, though she thinks it unlikely.

I don't know what to do. I am so stressed I can hardly breathe. I feel upset, angry, betrayed. Apart from what this is doing to me, I hate what this could do to my beloved children.

I doubt I can tell our pastor. (He already knows we are having difficulties). She would probably leave me if I did that...

How do I salvage the situation?
 

Albion

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In my humble opinion, you have some good things going for you in the midst of a terrible situation. She confessed to you, after all.

While there is no reason to conclude that she for sure wants to continue the marriage and reconcile (she might just have wanted to get it off her chest and was feeling guilty), the possibility apparently exists. I would say to be calm, not judgmental, not pressing her for more specifics at this time, but do try to get her to go with you to a competent marriage counselor (not a pastor).
 
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Deidre32

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So, he broke it off, and now she believes she made a mess of her life? Hmm.

She needs to be completely transparent, or it will be hard to reconcile. I post on a marriage forum, and this the advice that's often offered. She needs to admit to you who he was, etc. Not all the details, but she owes you that. This would be a dealbreaker for me...I wouldn't stay with my husband if he thought it was okay to lie and have a deceptive affair behind my back for who knows how long. But, that's just me.

I'm sorry this happened in your life. Praying for you.
 
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woobadooba

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You have biblical grounds to divorce her. I understand if you don't want to do that, however. But you shouldn't feel guilty if that is what you decide to do.

Having said that, relationships are built on mutual trust. If you can't trust her, then how can you go on living with her? You will always be questioning her motives and wondering what she is doing behind your back. It will eat at your soul, causing you stress which could potentially drive the two of you further apart.

Should you decide to stay with her, I think it would be best to seek the help of a marriage counselor who can help the both of you get at the root of the problem and show you how to make things work in your relationship to prevent something like this from happening again. If she isn't willing to do this, then that will tell you all you need to know about how she feels about your marriage.

As for her not telling you who the guy is, it might be because you know him or maybe she is a friend of his wife and doesn't want to wreck more relationships. I don't know. But it is strange that she is protecting his identity.
 
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joshua 1 9

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I don't know what to do. I am so stressed I can hardly breathe. I feel upset, angry, betrayed.
You forgive her. Not for her sake but for your sake so that you can be restored. Remember the fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self control. Sometimes in the flesh in our own ability we are not able to forgive. This has to be the work of God in us. As He forgives us He is able to perfect His work in us so we can forgive others. Then if you want you can help her to forgive herself. For what she did to you and for what she did to herself and her life and her family. You can be a husband that prays for his wife and offers an umbrella of protection for her. Mostly for the sake of the children. To give them every chance and every opportunity to get on the right course for their life to be the people God wants them to be. God writes the book of our life before we are even born. We need to develop all of our gifts, talents and abilities so we can be the people God wants us to be. Jesus went about preaching, teaching & healing the sick. He was a very good teacher and He lived His life as an example for us to follow so we can learn from Him how to be a good teacher.

Psalm 139:16 "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 40:7 Then I said, “Behold, I have come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me:
I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
 
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joshua 1 9

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(she might just have wanted to get it off her chest and was feeling guilty),
Do people really have the right to do that? Maybe they need to keep their mouth shut and bear their own guilt and not burden others with it. Love covers a multitude of sin. Proverbs 17:9 "Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."
 
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CrushedMan

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You have biblical grounds to divorce her. I understand if you don't want to do that, however. But you shouldn't feel guilty if that is what you decide to do...

... Should you decide to stay with her, I think it would be best to seek the help of a marriage counselor who can help the both of you get at the root of the problem and show you how to make things work in your relationship to prevent something like this from happening again. If she isn't willing to do this, then that will tell you all you need to know about how she feels about your marriage.

I don’t want to divorce her... I will be able to forgive her, and I don’t want to break my children’ hearts and home...
 
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My wife and I have been married for eighteen years. We have three children between the ages of 12 and 6.

When my wife came back from work yesterday, she was upset. I had already made dinner for her and I brought her a cup of tea. I had no idea she was about to admit to cheating on me...

I asked her what was wrong. She said that she had made a big mess of her life. She said that she was far from God and that He doesn't answer her prayers.

I asked her what had brought her to this view, and she admitted to having had an affair since December last year (i.e. 9-10 months).

I was stunned.

Things have not been good between us for a few years now. We have not been having intimate relations. We have both been unhappy, my wife was on depression medication for a few years. I have anxiety. As a high school teacher, I've struggled to teach difficult students. I got squeezed-out of my job at my last school, so I decided to change careers... I got a new job in a different field after doing a year of Supply Teaching. A few days ago, I was told that I had to resign or I was going to fail my probation... so I quit, and have started teaching again...

And then this happens.

My wife didn't really ask for forgiveness. She said that I am a good person and that I don't deserve it, but I am worried that she does not really want our marriage to work. Yesterday, she said that she broke off the affair a couple of weeks ago. Today, she said that she was going to break off the affair, but that he did so first.

It has been a difficult 24 hours. I am trying to keep strong for the sake of our children. I do love my wife, I want to work things out. I do not believe that Christians should give-up on their marriages.

I am worried that she does not see things the same way.

I have said to her that she needs to come clean with me, if we are to be able to rebuild trust. I asked her about her affair, including how it happened, how frequently they met-up, and what his name is... Apparently, he is also married. He is older than her (in his fifties - we are in our early forties).

She won't tell me his name. I don't like that. She is protecting his identity rather than being open and honest with me.

I asked her if she had been out in public with him. She said yes, but far from here. I said that there is still the potential for others to know about the affair, though she thinks it unlikely.

I don't know what to do. I am so stressed I can hardly breathe. I feel upset, angry, betrayed. Apart from what this is doing to me, I hate what this could do to my beloved children.

I doubt I can tell our pastor. (He already knows we are having difficulties). She would probably leave me if I did that...

How do I salvage the situation?
If you both want to save your marriage, then going to a good marriage counsellor might be the first positive step. A good professional Christian counsellor would be helpful. What I mean by that is the counsellor needs to be professionally qualified, and preferably not someone from your own church. Professional counsellors will not engage clients they know personally, and they have strict professional rules about confidentiality.

I would hesitate going to get counselling from your pastor or the elders of your church. You don't know how confidential they will be. In one church it was well known that anyone who went for counselling with the elders, had their details gossiped around the church, because of pillow talk between the elders and their wives. So I would avoid that like the plague.

A professional counsellor will help you both explore the reasons why your wife went and had an affair, and so deal with deficiencies in your marriage that triggered her attraction to someone that may have had attributes that you did not have to satisfy her. I would steer clear of a counsellor who would suggest that separation and divorce is just as viable option as staying together. That is why I suggested a Christian counsellor who would advocate repairing the marriage instead of giving the option to give it up as a bad job.

Also you have to understand that it takes two to tango, and the guy who had the affair with your wife is not a good person, knowing that he is having an affair with someone else's wife, and if that other man is a Christian then he did not have the spirit of Christ in encouraging the affair.

The positive aspect of this is that your wife honestly confessed the affair to you. That is a good step in the right direction, and you would have to honour her courage. It seems that she would lean more to the side of trying to save the marriage than to abandon it. So she might agree to engaging a professional counsellor to help work things out.

A professional counsellor is trained and experienced in dealing with cases like yours, where neither you nor your wife are; so having a mediator who has dealt with many people like yourselves is a strength to you both and will give you the best chance of saving your marriage, and not only that, have a much happier and more fulfilling marriage for both of you in the future.

I understand your wife's reluctance to consult with the pastor of your church, for the reasons I stated earlier. You won't know how your pastor is going to react. It depends on the unwritten rules of your church. She may be afraid that she may be condemned and rejected as an adulteress. Some churches are like that, and you would only find that out once you got into that situation. I attended a large Charismatic church for 11 years, and when my marriage broke up, most of my Christian "friends" didn't want to know me. Consequently I left the Charismatic church and have never been back to one ever since. It is not being dishonest to keep from sharing your situation with your pastor or anyone else in your church. It is strategy. You don't want legalistic, judgmental people muddying the waters for you.

I would also suggest that you stand down from all your church duties and involvements. Your marriage and your wife must come first right now. You have a marriage to save and restore, and that will be your full-time task (outside of your teaching of course!) One of the problems that might have triggered my marriage breakdown is that in some ways I put the church before my wife and my loyalties were divided. Now that I have matured, my present wife comes before the church, and God help anyone who criticises her!

So those are my comments and I trust they are helpful from an old warrior who has all the scars, bumps and bruises from a long life and 50 years of church involvements, experiencing the good, bad and the ugly.
 
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Rescued One

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I'm very sorry that this happened in your life! I will pray for your marriage. I wouldn't question your wife. Maybe she'll decide to tell you more someday; but working on your marriage together is more important.

i do recommend marriage counseling; not with a pastor.

Concerning Married Life

1 Corinthians 7
1 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
 
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RageOfAngels

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Really sorry to read this post. I think what people have already suggested (marriage counselling) is a great idea, and whilst you do have grounds for divorce I am pleased to hear that you are putting your home and children first, which is commendable.
I think everyone reacts differently to situations that they come across, but if you can have some counselling and your wife is honest enough to be truthful in those sessions, then it is the BEST way forward.

In my head I always think of Hosea, who was told by God to go back and get his wife (who was a prostitute). She had broken Gods law countless times, so for Hosea it must have been so hard to do, but he did it. If I wore a hat I'd take it off in recognition of Hosea's dedication.

I will pray for you (I know that sounds a bit empty, but I mean it). Those 5 words can seem so superficial sometimes!

God bless you for your openess, and wanting to find God's way forward.
 
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Jon Osterman

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I don’t want to divorce her... I will be able to forgive her, and I don’t want to break my children’ hearts and home...

You should divorce her, even if it is not what you you think you want. You want her to be as you imagine her, but you are not seeing her clearly and she will most probably never be what you actually want. She has lied to you for months, betrayed you, and is still not willing to be honest with you. She is not willing to compromise and only stopped her affair because she was dumped. If she is so unwilling to compromise and be honest now, she will only slide into worse forms of dishonesty and betrayal later. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It will also be better for your children to step away from such a toxic relationship.
 
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dysert

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Do people really have the right to do that? Maybe they need to keep their mouth shut and bear their own guilt and not burden others with it. Love covers a multitude of sin. Proverbs 17:9 "Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."
I agree with that. People who vent to get it off their chest are being selfish. I say, if you do the deed you have to live with the consequences (including the guilt). Don't dump it on someone else.
 
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joshua 1 9

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You should divorce her
Did you ever read Hosea? Gomer is a type of he Church and Hosea is a type of Christ. Although Hosea is clearly talking about Israel and God's love for Israel.

Hosea 1:2 "When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the LORD."
 
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Jon Osterman

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Did you ever read Hosea? Gomer is a type of he Church and Hosea is a type of Christ. Although Hosea is clearly talking about Israel and God's love for Israel.

Hosea 1:2 "When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the LORD."

Sure. If God directly (and literally) talks to the OP and tells him to stay married to his wife, then I think he should follow God's command. However, if that doesn't happen (and my understanding is that it hasn't), he needs to divorce his adulterous wife.
 
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dysert

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Sure. If God directly (and literally) talks to the OP and tells him to stay married to his wife, then I think he should follow God's command. However, if that doesn't happen (and my understanding is that it hasn't), he needs to divorce his adulterous wife.
I don't think he *needs* to divorce his wife. Remember, they have two young children, so it's much more complicated than, "she cheated, she's gone". He has two other people to consider besides himself.
 
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Jon Osterman

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I don't think he *needs* to divorce his wife. Remember, they have two young children, so it's much more complicated than, "she cheated, she's gone". He has two other people to consider besides himself.

Ultimately we would all want children to grow up in a loving secure home with two parents who love, trust and are faithful to one another. However, it is better for children to grow up with divorced parents than to be given a false representation of marriage by parents with a dysfunctional relationship.
 
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dysert

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Ultimately we would all want children to grow up in a loving secure home with two parents who love, trust and are faithful to one another. However, it is better for children to grow up with divorced parents than to be given a false representation of marriage by parents with a dysfunctional relationship.
You don't know that it's *always* better for *all children* to grow up with divorced parents. You also don't know that their parents would given them a false representation of marriage (assuming they can heal the marriage). You also don't know that a possibly healed marriage would be dysfunctional. Iow, I think you're making sweeping generalizations that do a disservice to the OP who is apparently looking to his Christian family for bits of wisdom.
 
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