My wife and I have a disagreement... Help us settle

[tall73]

Background: She does not shave her legs as a lifestyle. He loves smooth legs.
She shaves her legs for his birthday sometimes-- as a gift. She will do this as an anniversary gift too.

If it is a resentment issue you have built in a way for her to be less excited about your birthday and your anniversary. I would say that you can explain to her the following:

"I love you just as much either way. You know I find shaved legs attractive. You can shave them whenever you feel like it if you want to give me a treat. But you don't have to do it on a schedule. "

Then instead of it being expected of her she can do it freely to please you, when she feels like being extra attractive to you. You may still get special treatment at times, and she won't have to feel resentment.

I would explain it as similar to something like a piece of lingerie that you like. She doesn't have to wear it all the time. But when she does it is special. And it is up to her.

If she says you should be just as attracted either way, tell her that is not how it works. We don't necessarily choose what is attractive. But we choose to love.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I am in total disagreement here. Should we not be concerned with each other's appearances to look good so as to please one another and represent the Lord Jesus Christ? We know that once we start down that road of not caring how we look, it can in some cases get worse.

Shaving of legs is not necessary for health or basic hygiene. For millennia women have had hairy legs, and yet somehow men found them desirable enough to marry and reproduce. You make it sound like if she doesn't shave her legs, it will be a slippery slope toward not showering or brushing her teeth. That's absurd.

I understand a preference. I prefer if my husband's hair is freshly trimmed and short. But if a couple months pass between haircuts, it doesn't bother me. I'm still attracted to him, and I am not offended if he isn't rushing to the barber to get it cut.

 

[*LILAC]

What I'd like to know is if she was a non-shaver before the wedding?

 

[love2teach]

I'm not sure why people are missing what seem to be salient points to me. You DO show your appreciation to her, by your account. You are loving, supportive, helpful, you thank her and show appreciation. The three gifts seemed thoughtful and touching to me, showing her your respect for the multiple hats she wears in the family ("only three?" threw me - how many gifts are appropriate for a husband to give his wife per holiday??).

So I don't think the point is that you're not loving or appreciative to her all the time. I think the point is that you really, really like it when she goes out of her way to do something FOR YOU that she doesn't like to do. She is making an effort to give you a gift of doing something she prefers not to do, and in response to that you are showing her how much you value that gift. That.... seems like how things are supposed to work. You are both showing your appreciation to each other, but somewhere along the way the message is getting jumbled.

I don't understand why she takes your show of appreciation for something she has lovingly done for you as you "only loving her when she shaves." That doesn't seem to be what you are trying to convey, by the account of how you show her love and appreciation throughout all aspects of your marriage. Something is getting lost in translation, and that's where your focus should be. Whatever message you are trying to send, she's receiving something different.

She is showing her love to you. You are trying to show your appreciation to her. If she is hearing your appreciation as being the only time you are loving to her, that's the discussion you need to have. It doesn't matter if it's about shaved legs, or washed clothes, or cooked food. If she is doing something special for you and your thanks is coming across as something else, there's a communication gap that needs to be addressed.

Start at the basics. "When you do this, I feel that." Both of you need to express that to each other and both of you need to listen to the answers and adjust accordingly, so the love and appreciation you are both trying to convey is what is actually received. You might just be saying the same things but in different languages.

I'm grateful for your thoughtful reply. Thank you, your advice is valued.

 

[love2teach]

I understand you are just trying to show appreciation,and it makes sense because she did something extra for you. However, it sounds like she is only doing it begrudgingly, and so she interprets your extra appreciation as pressure to do it more often, or a reminder that you don't like the way it is most of the time.

I have the opposite situation. I would like to have a beard sometimes, but my wife does not like it. So I shave regularly because to me there is no point having a beard if my wife doesn't like it. Who else am I trying to impress? I don't get any praise for that of course, just less excitement if I don't shave. But it makes more sense to me if I know that is what she prefers to just do it to make her happy. I could tell her to love me as I am, but that misses the point. She does love me as I am. She just doesn't like beards. She is not going to suddenly start liking beards because I feel unloved if she doesn't.

Has she said the reason she doesn't like to shave? Is it just the hassle, or is it an ethical/health/philosophical reason to not do so?

Does she have any grooming preferences for you?

I would ask her why she does this on special occasions. If it is just because it is something she did before because you asked for it, and she hates it, that is different than if she is doing it as a special gift to you out of a desire to make you happy. It sounds like the former so far.

She does have a grooming preference for me-- she does not like facial hair. And because of that, I shave.
Her reason for not wanting to shave is simply, "I just don't want to."
She's fit, attractive-- not an issue.
But, I think you hit a good point. I like your second paragraph... I'd have facial hair too, but for the same reasons I shave.

 

[love2teach]

If she says you should be just as attracted either way, tell her that is not how it works. We don't necessarily choose what is attractive. But we choose to love.

This is great advice! I should choose love all the time, but that which is attractive is my choice.

 

[love2teach]

There are some questions and judgments in this string that are simply off-point.
It doesn't matter whether she shaved before marriage.
It doesn't matter whether you believe this debate is trivial or whether you think appearance is superficial.
Thank you to the people who took a few minutes to read and respond to the heart of the question. It's about love and giving. And, we appreciate the loving responses.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Seems to me like the Almighty created women with hairy legs. He don't care one whit if they're shaved or not.

Clean shaven legs on a woman is a cultural thing (mostly to be desirable for men) , a preference, and has nothing to do with the Creator's intent.

Yes, my wife keeps her legs shaved (when she feels like it).........but if she suddenly decided to stop shaving them, it would not affect our marriage a bit.

That might work for you. But it does not work for the one who is concerned about it in the OP. I know it would be a little weird for me if my wife had dark and hairy legs. Yeah, I would love her still, but the attraction would not be there as much because of it.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Since shaving of legs is a cultural thing, some being fine with it, some not, it is not a matter of being ugly or not. And I don't think most folks would know or care whether she shaves her legs.

I disagree. If she wears a dress, or shorts, people are going to notice and some will see it as a sign of them not caring about themselves. For have you never seen picture of people at Walmart who have let themselves go? Some go to Walmart in pajamas and stuff.

This is more of an issue just between the two of them and the dynamics of their marriage. She is not neglecting herself.

The neglect is to be concerned with how her husband feels.
Granted, I am not saying she is being unfair or horrible here.
I just think she needs to take into account something that is very important to her husband. To me, we do things as a Christian not to please ourselves but we do thing so as to please others by loving them with a Godly love.

 

[Paidiske]

I think what perhaps some men don't realise is how loaded some of these things can be, for women.

Some women see the requirement to shave as a sign of oppression (read The Female Eunuch for a fuller unpacking of that idea). Some feel it is a devaluing of women for who we are, in order to sustain an untrue ideal of women. And so on.

Now the OP's wife may or may not have any such ideas in her head; I don't know. But to boil this down to a simple "she should do it to please him" doesn't always work, when the reasons why it pleases him may be seen as part of a bigger social problem (for example).

The OP hasn't given us enough information to discern what's really going on for this couple. But from what he has said, it sounds to me as if there is resentment built up on both their parts, over something which need not/should not be a source of resentment; so the two of them really need to be able to get to the bottom of their deep feelings about this and communicate that between them.

No pat answer from people on the internet is going to resolve those problems, in place of real communication.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

The husband is supposed to be the head of the household.
If the wife is not concerned with pleasing him involving something that he considers to be important in regards to his being attracted to her, then I would say that she needs to be more sensitive to how he feels. It's not like the husband is like other men and women here who simply do not care about women with hairy legs. If that is you, then good for you. For this particular husband, unshaven legs is a bit of an issue, and thus, his wife should take under consideration what makes him happy. If not, then why be married? Granted, they should not separate over this. That is not what I am getting at. The point I am trying to make is that love should be about thinking of the other person in a marriage. Are we not to love each other instead of thinking of just ourselves? Some might say the husband needs to change in how he views what attracts him, but that would be forcing something that goes against who he is as a person. We cannot turn off what attracts us and what doesn't attract us. He could not be himself then. Granted, the wife desires to be herself and not shave, but she has to realize that she is married and there are certain sacrifices which have to be made in a marriage. It seems like she could simply be a little more loving and get a surgery to permanently remove her hair or she shave more often and the problem is resolved.

Anyways, I am siding with the husband on this one; And I pray that they will be able to resolve this.

 

[Paidiske]

I don't see how "what the husband wants should automatically be the outcome of any disagreement" can possibly be healthy or conducive to a long term happy marriage. I'd say that is an oppressive approach to marriage.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

If the husband could do this simple thing for his wife and she would be very grateful it seems not to be rocket
science here -- shave the legs.

Another way to look at it -- at least she shaves occasionally. Matters could be worse.

Note -- if one is at the zoo and the monkeys are flirting it's time to go home and shave.

M-Bob

 

[Dave-W]

Note -- if one is at the zoo and the monkeys are flirting it's time to go home and shave.

That is the funniest thing I have heard in a while.

 

[GeorgeJ]

I will add this.....
If the husband wants a beard, but the wife says no because she doesn't like a hairy face, then the wife should also shave her legs if he doesn't like hairy legs. Give and take......that's how it works.

This business about the husband being the domineering head of the household and the wife unquestionably doing everything he wants is a load of crap.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

This business about the husband being the domineering head of the household and the wife unquestionably doing everything he wants is a load of crap.

No you cannot have my wife's phone number.
M-Bob

 

[GeorgeJ]

No you cannot have my wife's phone number.
M-Bob

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Like all debates in marriage and life, there isn’t you are right or she is right. There’s her perspective and your perspective. And in this situation, I would be more concerned that your wife has said she feels a disproportionate portion of your appreciation and affection only comes when she does something specifically for you, and you think the discussion you’re having is about shaved legs.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

The husband has a right to prefer a certain look in a wife, but whether or not to do it is the wife's final decision. He should be kind and considerate of her no matter what he does. However, being turned on when she follows his preference, and reacting accordingly, would only be natural I think.

I kind of have a reverse of the situation here. I've seen pictures of my husband before we met, and he had a mustache. Now, whether or not I like mustaches depends on the man. I think he looked smoking hot in it. I mean, YOWZA. But he had it for a long time and got sick of it, and now he won't grow it again. I need to be loving and attentive to him whether he has a mustache or not. But if he did decide to grow it back again, I can't say I wouldn't be *more* loving and attentive to him in response.

 

[Ana the Ist]

The premise: We have a dispute, and we want the advice of Christians.
Background: She does not shave her legs as a lifestyle. He loves smooth legs.
She shaves her legs for his birthday sometimes-- as a gift. She will do this as an anniversary gift too.
Her side: I'm the same person whether I shave or not. My husband is a good Christian man, and we have a healthy, loving relationship, but, he changes when I shave my legs. This bothers me. He's more kind, more affectionate, and more complimentary. I believe he should appreciate me for who I am and not just my shaved legs. Whether I shave or not, my husband should be kind, affectionate and complimentary all the time. It shouldn't change just because I shave. Using a razor doesn't change who I am on the inside. It's my inner beauty that matters most.

His side: I'm grateful when she shaves, and I tell her such. In fact, to me, it endears her more to me. I tell her I'm humbly grateful for the times when she does this for me. Yes, I compliment her more and I'm more affectionate when she's shaved. It's a gift to me, and I feel I'm appreciating it. No doubt, she's always attractive to me, but she is the most physically attractive to me when her legs are shaved. I'm complimentary and gracious with my wife on a regular basis, but when I get this gift, yes, I'm more affectionate and kind. I express gratitude regularly for the meals she cooks, but when she creates a spectacular dish, I gush over it. When she wears a fancy dress, I tend to dote on her more. I think this is human nature, and I don't believe I'm doing anything wrong or offensive.

What does the jury say?

I suppose the easy thing to do would be for her to shave her legs regularly. Then it would become apparent whether or not he's indeed a different person over shaved legs. Regardless though...

I don't see the issue with being more affectionate/appreciative/complimentary when one's spouse does something special for them. It's a reaction to behavior that is outside the norm...so the reaction is naturally outside the norm as well. It seems she wants the reactionary behavior from the husband to be the norm...without having to change her behavior at all.

That seems a little selfish/unrealistic.