My unique testimony. Consumed by existential fear of life without God and the Holy Spirit.

[Rosesandthorns]

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[Tolworth John]

Have I commited the unpardonable sin,

The unpardonable sin is to reject Jesus's atonement for you.
A question for you. What is it that makes you a Christian and how do you show that you are a Christian?

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I feel I have been trying very hard to repent of my sins and crying out to God and trying to change. This has been over time. I attend church, I read scripture and the bible and I've tried to talk to God about everything i am going through. I know Jesus is the only one who can save me

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I felt like God just doesn't want me anymore after all I've done sinning after coming to the knowledge of the truth.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I would like to share my testimony. It is quite long but I feel I needed to confess it as I have never openly confessed a lot of this, I hope it helps someone else out there questioning..

... to say the least, you're account is obviously laced with a wide set of difficulties, and my prayers and sympathy go out to you. However, maybe keep in mind a couple of things, Rosesandthorns.

1) The fact that you're here to share your account with the hope that it helps others doesn't sound like the kind of thing that a person whose "conscience is seared" would do. So, you have that going for you, as do you in that you're aware that you can reflect upon your life and make evaluations about it that are quite in accord with Christian notions about both God's grace and justice. I wouldn't say that you've committed an unpardonable sin; rather, I'd say that you've unfortunately found yourself in a similar place to that of the Prodigal Son ... as many of us have in various ways.

2) Take heart in knowing that you're not the world's only "sinner." We've all done things that we're not proud of in a spiritual sense, things that we know have damaged our lives and relationships. So, maybe begin your slow walk back to God the Father, in His Son, by recognizing that you're not alone in struggling to emerge from the pits in the effort to return back to the Lord through the power of His Spirit.

Peace,

2PhiloVoid

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Thank you 2PhiloVoid,

I feared that my testimony was just me getting to the point of no return. I am glad that it's shared so people can see what not to do.

I have felt void of all emotion for years after those events (I can type without feeling) and thought that I was so spiritually dead there was no return. As I'm writing this I physically don't feel as though I am a soul but just flesh in a body with thoughts and that there is little room in my heart for love, kindness and softness.

I accept Jesus is the only one who can save me.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Thank God for this forum.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Thank you 2PhiloVoid,

You're welcome.

I feared that my testimony was just me getting to the point of no return. I am glad that it's shared so people can see what not to do.

Yes, that is a good reason to share with others here, even with those of us who are Christians can benefit from your biographical account.

I have felt void of all emotion for years after those events (I can type without feeling) and thought that I was so spiritually dead there was no return. As I'm writing this I physically don't feel as though I am a soul but just flesh in a body with thoughts and that there is little room in my heart for love, kindness and softness.

These feelings of disassociation and depersonalization often come when we---any of us---walk in the Darkness, away from the Light. Many of us have felt similar things to those that you've felt, to various degrees. It is difficult. Life is difficult, and being a Christian is difficult for all of us who would truly 'take up the cross daily' and attempt to follow Jesus. But, fortunately, we can reach out to there to at least gain some support along the way.

I accept Jesus is the only one who can save me.

Don't give up your hope. It's better to struggle through the day in the effort to establish new friendships, new connections and gain new insights into this Life as God gives us in Christ, if we're just willing learn (see the 1st chapter of James). I say this as one who has had some of his own hurdles and family dysfunctions to contend with, even if the specifics have been a bit different than yours.

Peace, Amy.

 

[Mark Quayle]

(Note by Mark Quayle: Rosesandthorns' post copied here as heavily redacted by me)

I would like to share my testimony. It is quite long but I feel I needed to confess it as I have never openly confessed a lot of this, I hope it helps someone else out there questioning..

When I was born I had this presence of a loving presence with me that carried on all throughout childhood, it was an inner knowing of safety, a small voice, it fueled my creativity and it was as pure love.

Unfortunately I grew up with very sinful, sexually immoral parents so as a young child I was exposed to a lot of violence, sex and trauma. This definately gave me an obscure view of the world from a young age and I thought it was corrupted.


From the age of 13 I was having sex. I had my first sexual encounter with my boyfriend at 13. I spent a lot of my early teen years experimenting with gothic makeup, rock music and boys. I was a very promiscuous teenager and by the age of 16 I had multiple sexual encounters and different boyfriends. I felt as though I was pressured into these by the "want to be loved" I felt like if I didn't do what these boys said they wouldn't love me and therefore I went with it, I can't actually remember the amount of people I had sex with. That had always made me feel sick. I literally lost count of how many people I had slept with. This deeply made me not want to "be me" anymore and so I developed multiple personalities or dissociated states to forget the trauma and what I had done. I did this over a number of years I guess "searing" my conscience by forgetting.

The character I developed as a teenager was vain, self-serving and I would not listen to instructions, I had no stability and order in my life. What I did, I wanted. There were times in my life where I felt the pulling to come back to order but I had no order around me.

In truth, I craved and desperately wanted to be pure on the inside. It tore my heart apart not having a family that was stable and feeling so far from what I wanted to be from birth. I looked at myself as a victim who fell into the wrong family and doomed to be like that. I was very talented with art, music and had an amazing memory and ability to retain memory.. if I did something I put all my effort into it and was so passionate.

I moved from living with my Mother to living with my Grandparents, as a child they had lavished me in material gifts and a sense of security but my Nan was very abusive, she was abusive to my grandad and they argued terribly. Home life was very traumatic, in all of this I was in Highschool and I wasn't getting good grades because of the home life.


One night after smoking weed, I was relaxing in bed and I started to develop paranoia, it was a strange kind of pulling from my awareness as if I was growing more and more away from reality. Prior to this although I dissociated my anxiety wasn't bad (or at least it was manageable to the point where I could ignore it) I would just feel as though like there was something not right maybe I had been experiencing this for a while smoking weed and just not picked up on it, anyway I was living at my Mothers parents house at the time.. I had been kicked out of my Grandparents house due to smoking weed and the surroundings were unfamiliar.


The fact I am here people would say shows that I have not commited the unpardonable sin. I say I am commiting it by never turning from the sin due to my lack of softness, my lack of concious awareness of being forgiving and loving and soft. I feel void of emotion, just numb... no love, just a hole of blackness inside of a body without awareness of the light inside of me.


Have I commited the unpardonable sin, will I ever really know? Or am I just being sent these evil spirits by God to chastise me so that I will not be able to do anything without God... eventually reconciling me back to the Holy Spirit. I pray God comes back to me or, I come back to God.

You said, "The character I developed as a teenager was vain, self-serving and I would not listen to instructions, I had no stability and order in my life. What I did, I wanted. There were times in my life where I felt the pulling to come back to order but I had no order around me."

It strikes me as almost humorous, but the degree of what you express there seems to the ex-teenager looking back (and maybe even to God) of little importance. That is, they think they were the vain etc ones, compared to others, or at least, compared to what their conscience is telling them now. Pretty much all teenagers are like that. I do not say this to diminish what you say, but to point out that not only are we built without a proper sense of proportion, but that God did that for a reason --namely, that we might learn that nobody is beyond Him, and also, that he treats each of us individually concerning our sin. (Again, for those who would correct me, I am not here denying he also deals with us corporately)


You also said: "Have I commited the unpardonable sin, will I ever really know? Or am I just being sent these evil spirits by God to chastise me so that I will not be able to do anything without God... eventually reconciling me back to the Holy Spirit. I pray God comes back to me or, I come back to God."

You should understand that to God we are like spoiled children most the time. He doesn't take us as seriously as we take ourselves, or at least certainly not in the same way. If a child screams in a tantrum to the parent, "I hate you", the parent knows this isn't the end of the relationship. The child needs to grow up. And I'm sorry to say, for most of us, perhaps all of us, the growing up will never be completed in this life.


I also want to say, "To God be all praise for his dealings with mankind." He did not create this life for this life alone. But he is gentle and kind (believe me, what you feel has happened to you is as nothing, compared to what he feels about it) and not only forgiving, but he is using it for your own good, to turn you into that member of the Body of Christ you don't even know, and will not know, until "the sons of God are revealed". I am sorry it has to be so hard.

Again, this life is not for this life. Try to sit back, and watch God work, not only on you, but on humanity. He wants all the credit, and is showing us that we cannot do it --in fact, even your desire for goodness is all to his credit, not yours.


Finally, PLEASE understand. None of us will be righteous because of what we do. What we do (or try to do --want to do) is because of the righteousness we are credited with, because of the substitution of Christ on our behalf. The saving faith we are given is not faith that we gin up ourselves by force nor integrity nor intellectual honesty nor sincerity nor strength of emotion nor human decision nor freedom of willpower. It is God himself within us and it depends on him alone. It is there, or it is not, whether you see it yourself or not. But without him making you want to "see" him, you would not want him at all. You can accept what he is doing to you as torment, or you can praise him and enjoy his goodness. Job says it better than I can.

See the heart in Job 13:
"15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him..."

And in Job 19:
23 “Oh, that my words were recorded,
that they were written on a scroll, lead,
or engraved in rock forever!
26 And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God
27 I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!"

 

[Mark Quayle]

You said, "The character I developed as a teenager was vain, self-serving and I would not listen to instructions, I had no stability and order in my life. What I did, I wanted. There were times in my life where I felt the pulling to come back to order but I had no order around me."

It strikes me as almost humorous, but the degree of what you express there seems to the ex-teenager looking back (and maybe even to God) of little importance. That is, they think they were the vain etc ones, compared to others, or at least, compared to what their conscience is telling them now. Pretty much all teenagers are like that. I do not say this to diminish what you say, but to point out that not only are we built without a proper sense of proportion, but that God did that for a reason --namely, that we might learn that nobody is beyond Him, and also, that he treats each of us individually concerning our sin. (Again, for those who would correct me, I am not here denying he also deals with us corporately)


You also said: "Have I commited the unpardonable sin, will I ever really know? Or am I just being sent these evil spirits by God to chastise me so that I will not be able to do anything without God... eventually reconciling me back to the Holy Spirit. I pray God comes back to me or, I come back to God."

You should understand that to God we are like spoiled children most the time. He doesn't take us as seriously as we take ourselves, or at least certainly not in the same way. If a child screams in a tantrum to the parent, "I hate you", the parent knows this isn't the end of the relationship. The child needs to grow up. And I'm sorry to say, for most of us, perhaps all of us, the growing up will never be completed in this life.


I also want to say, "To God be all praise for his dealings with mankind." He did not create this life for this life alone. But he is gentle and kind (believe me, what you feel has happened to you is as nothing, compared to what he feels about it) and not only forgiving, but he is using it for your own good, to turn you into that member of the Body of Christ you don't even know, and will not know, until "the sons of God are revealed". I am sorry it has to be so hard.

Again, this life is not for this life. Try to sit back, and watch God work, not only on you, but on humanity. He wants all the credit, and is showing us that we cannot do it --in fact, even your desire for goodness is all to his credit, not yours.


Finally, PLEASE understand. None of us will be righteous because of what we do. What we do (or try to do --want to do) is because of the righteousness we are credited with, because of the substitution of Christ on our behalf. The saving faith we are given is not faith that we gin up ourselves by force nor integrity nor intellectual honesty nor sincerity nor strength of emotion nor human decision nor freedom of willpower. It is God himself within us and it depends on him alone. It is there, or it is not, whether you see it yourself or not. But without him making you want to "see" him, you would not want him at all. You can accept what he is doing to you as torment, or you can praise him and enjoy his goodness. Job says it better than I can.

See the heart in Job 13:
"15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him..."

And in Job 19:
23 “Oh, that my words were recorded,
that they were written on a scroll, lead,
or engraved in rock forever!
26 And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God
27 I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!"

I meant also to mention, that I myself, and all my children, they tell me, having done no drugs or suffered the trauma that you have, also had a time during puberty of apparent withdrawal from reality, that has never (I am now almost 63) totally returned with the joy and "into it"-ness of childhood. During that time, there were episodes of disorientation and including such fear-invoking things as an extreme feeling of disproportion of fingers and toes to the body, or the body to the earth and even to the universe. (To this day, I feel as much like an observer of myself going through life as being the actual person going through it. But ignoring this feeling has a certain relief --life goes on in spite of what I feel.)

This sort of thing apparently isn't even rare.

I bring this up because some of what you experienced/experience is not the result of your trauma, nor even because of anything you did, though those may have compounded it. Not to say that what you do does not bring consequences with it, but understand that God does what he does for his own reasons. This life is not about you, and is not about this life --and if he takes you violently through it, it is for his reasons, which are good for you, whether you see that fact or not.

Hanging onto him for dear life may not look or feel like what you expected.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Mark I appriciate your response, I take in everything you've said. So does anyone think I haven't commited the unpardonable sin?


The fear of it just dispels any of the good of Gods word in my heart and it agonizes me. I just feel like my heart is so hardened to the things of the spirit even though I want them I have repented and I continuously ask God for guidence. If I can rest assure God hasnt cast me away I can let go of this thought and continue to ask Christ to forgive and live in me

I understand all of our experiences are personal and therefore only God really knows but I hope Jesus forgives me because I do love him and I want God I am just struggling so much with the thought that I have already commited the unpardonable sin and I'm too far gone.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Mark I appriciate your response, I take in everything you've said. So does anyone think I haven't commited the unpardonable sin?


The fear of it just dispels any of the good of Gods word in my heart and it agonizes me. I just feel like my heart is so hardened to the things of the spirit even though I want them I have repented and I continuously ask God for guidence. If I can rest assure God hasnt cast me away I can let go of this thought and continue to ask Christ to forgive and live in me

I understand all of our experiences are personal and therefore only God really knows but I hope Jesus forgives me because I do love him and I want God I am just struggling so much with the thought that I have already commited the unpardonable sin and I'm too far gone.

Roses I wish it could be transferred to your thinking without having to go through it, but I'm pretty sure it cannot: This life is not about you.

But yes, and rightly so, you must be concerned about yourself. It is not only unavoidable --it is good. You are the one who desires the presence of God, and that is VERY good. Please do not give up. He is not powerless to save.

One comfort to my heart concerning you --I don't find it likely that you would seek his presence if he is not already in you.

I don't know if this particular turn of a phrase will talk to your fears, but 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." --though awkward this way may be more accurate: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to have already forgiven us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Furthermore, although the Greek there makes the necessary implication that the forgiveness (though already complete in the past) is indeed contingent on the confessing, it can be shown by many other passages that the confessing does not result in the forgiveness, but is a necessary result OF the forgiveness. This is ALL the work of God, and yes, it involves your whole will. THAT is why it hurts so much. You need him like I do.

 

[Bobber]

Unfortunately I grew up with very sinful, sexually immoral parents so as a young child I was exposed to a lot of violence, sex and trauma. This definately gave me an obscure view of the world from a young age and I thought it was corrupted.

OK many people share that experience.

I was a very promiscuous teenager and by the age of 16 I had multiple sexual encounters and different boyfriends. I felt as though I was pressured into these by the "want to be loved"

OK peer pressure.

I felt like if I didn't do what these boys said they wouldn't love me and therefore I went with it, I can't actually remember the amount of people I had sex with. That had always made me feel sick. I literally lost count of how many people I had slept with.

OK prostitutes might share that experience as well. God loves them, blots out their sins by Jesus precious blood and makes them white as wool making them justified in his sight, or in other words just as if they'd never sinned.

The character I developed as a teenager was vain, self-serving and I would not listen to instructions, I had no stability and order in my life. What I did, I wanted.

Like so many.

To me, at this moment I had permenantly lost my soul (that's what I felt) but I just couldn't understand it. So, I googled googled googled until I came across depersonalization. I was dreaded by the thought of losing my sense of self, everything I was reading about it said it was long term and needed therapy.

We ALL need long term therapy ALL OF US! But with the Word of God. We ask Jesus to come into our lives and become born again but we have a life time experience from that point on of renewing our minds with the word of God always on the watch and casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the word of God. And KNOW this....this isn't something WE have to do or YOU have to do. It's something we GET TO DO.

I was reading the bible. I was praying to God and asking him why did he leave me and why would he not speak to me but I felt no presence. No answer I felt God had just given up on me.

In this regard I can't give you an answer. I'd have to be where you are and see EXACTLY with what devotion you were doing these things. One one says they would read their Bibles, I call it feeding one's spirit I'd have to ask how much? When they say they pray I ask as well for what length of time? Is it merely 5 min a day, 15 and yet they'll watch 4 hours a day of worldly things? I'm sorry and I don't mean this merely to you BUT IMO North American Christians as a general rule don't have a clue on the type of fellowship they need with the Lord to be strong in him. Jesus asked Peter for example, when he was encouraged to pray, "Can you not watch with me one hour?" Matt 26:40

Sexual sin, drugs and immorality consumed me and I knew the truth but I coudlnt pull away.

The anointing of God which is the power of God can break every yoke of bondage. It will for you as well .
.

every time I had asked for help from the church = too busy

Well "the church" is helping YOU right now my friend! Church isn't a building but a people and here we are.

When I emailed people about it = no reply

Well you're getting replies now right?

When I prayed to God = silence

Not sure how to answer this and nor can anyone else. First we don't even know if God has been talking to YOU and YOU have given him the silent treatment. But look IF you're truly sincere and WANT help and WANT relationship with God that's what he wants us well.

"The fact I am here people would say shows that I have not commited the unpardonable sin. I say I am commiting it by never turning from the sin...."

Then do it! I don't mean to sound unkind but look my friend WE'VE ALL GOT TO DO what we NEED TO DO and MUST do that is make a decision we're going to do our best with God's help to turn from sin and serve him. Every single one of us, I mean every single one of us are in that boat! Try to think of it this way. Imagine a great many people who work on jobs having to get up every morning at the crack of dawn to get to work.

They're all doing it for they know it's required. The kick back is good though for you're making a living your life is in order and you're able to pay your bills. Another comes along and laments and exclaims why don't I have the same? Well another asks, "Well do you get up in the mornings and...."

"Nope don't do that!" they say. "Don't want to! Don't feel like it!" Well make a decision you're going to do it anyway and start doing it! Who said anything about needing to feel it! Do you think there aren't times when ALL of other Christians don't find it hard to give up let's say a cherished sin? (or whatever)

What did Jesus say? He said there may be times that if feels to give up this or that is like chopping off your hand or plucking out your eye, Matt 5:29 in other words Jesus said it may not always seem easy. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US must choose! The question you might need to ask yourself RIGHT NOW is what do you want in life? Do you want the good things of life to rob you of the best things?

It may seem good to stay in a sinful state. It's not really but may seem to be because it's so called "fun" and takes no discipline. Or will you give up those things FOR THE GREATER RICHES! Have you ever read of the pearl of great price? Cost a lot! Matt 13:45 Cost him everything he had BUT what will it be....short time temporary pleasure or have everything in your life become a plus sign by making RIGHT CHOICES.

God I pray you forgive me for what I have done, if it is not too late for me I want to redeem my life in Jesus Christ. I am 24 now and I fear I have seared my consciousness too far and God has just given up on me.

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more." Isaiah 43:25

Read the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:11-24 The wayward child felt way out in left field but the Father didn't want him to think that way. It says the Father's heart was filled with compassion for him.

Have I commited the unpardonable sin, will I ever really know?

I could say NO you haven't for you're wanting to come back to him. But still you might continue on with well how do I know for sure. Well forget all of that. Just act as if you haven't begin a prayer life allow your spirit to be fed with God's word and praise God along with reading his word a good hour or so a day.

Let me put it this way....allow God say the same amount of time you might give secular entertainment like say TV or sports or this or that and I think you might be surprised to see things start happening...and You'll KNOW IT'S GOD. Look up all the verses of scripture of God's willingness to forgive and all the declarations about what the precious blood of Jesus does....and thank God for those things all throughout the day and just watch what happens. I think you'll find it's true. If you draw near to God he will draw near to you. James 4:8