Hi, I just want to get this out there. It seems like there is some wrong thinking at play here so any opinions/encouragement or prayers would be welcomed..
I've had a really weird and intense week. Because I've been giving this such importance, I'm almost afraid to be calm and feel normal. I've always struggled with salvation. I've never had lasting peace that im really saved. (I am 33) I finally got the courage (because of a frightening prospect in my life that gave me some perspective--i thought maybe that was God's doing) to talk to my pastor about all of my life of salvation doubts. It has been a long time coming, I've always felt guilty because it seemed I was hiding this from everyone and pretending I was a Christian (been a member at my Baptist church for about 17 years). So I finally poured it out to my pastor...
My mom, who was saved as an adult after my dad was delivered of drugs and lead her to the Lord, basically wanted me to pray the salvation prayer when I was about 5, because , kids can die too (a bus load of kids crashed in the news). If your mom tells you you need to do this, or you'll go to a scary place someday, duh of course you're going to pray the "prayer." Well I was still afraid of hell after that, so I'd perform these little compulsions (jumping "up" just to make sure God would known I wanted to go "up" to heaven and not "down" to hell.) I don't believe at all that that was true faith, i wasn't saved then . I had other weird anxieties as a kid too, maybe partly because I didn't feel safe all the time (my dad had issues and was a screamer all my life and sometimes hurt things, though not us physically, thank God.)
When I was about 13 I was doubting everything, even God's existence I think, and didn't think I was saved, so I prayed with my mom again. These times of crisis seem like long stretches of time in my mind, like they last for months or years. When we prayed that second time, she said like "now you're a child of God" and that didn't sit well with me--because I was afraid to admit that I HADN'T been a child of God previously...like I had been dangling over hell all those years! So I said something lame like "couldn't we say that I'm rededicating my life to God." I couldn't even admit my lost state! (This becomes important later). Don't believe this was true faith, either. Just praying to cover my butt, so to speak.
Well that second prayer opened up the floodgates...to my praying to be saved over and over and over, through basically the rest of my life so far. We moved a lot but we finally settled here when i was around 15, and we joined my current Baptist church. My membership interview and Baptism was not fun. I remember telling the deacons something of my doubting story, and they finally asked, "if you died now would you go to heaven?" If my life was a movie, this would be where time froze for a second. I *forced* myself to believe "well I did this, and that's what the Bible says right, so I have to choose to believe that" so I told them "yes, because I believe Jesus died and I asked Him to save me." Mind you, that sounds good and all, and they were satisfied with it. I was afraid what theyd say if i said "no." Why was i so afraid/stupid? I could've started seeking God earlier...
But, my answer to them, it was head knowledge on my part. Even the demons believe Jesus died, and tremble, as James says. My baptism was riddled with anxiety. I was not happy. I knew my pastor would ask me while in the water, "is it your desire to obey Him from this day on, to the best of your ability?" And I did not think that it was my desire. But of course I tried to believe it was, so I could say yes...
I started finding things about Jesus being your Lord, and about repentance, which I had never really heard of before. I read Christopher Parkening's (the guitarist) testimony, about how he wanted God's "fire insurance" to get out of hell, but not have God as Lord of his life, therefore he was not saved until after he accepted that. That scared me! I knew something was missing...and I tried to talk to my pastor about this a couple times too, but it's like he didn't get it. Or I didn't get it, or both. Sometimes it does really seem to me that my pastor places so much emphasis on "whoever calls... Will be saved" well I had called so many times, but I sure wasn't saved!
Then I went to christian youth camp, heard an emotional, hard-hitting sermon on repentance. Anxiety galore. I was about 18 at this time. The speaker said things like "this girl kept praying 'Lord IF in not saved save me!" And it wasn't until she admitted her lostness that she could be saved." ..foggy memory paraphrase. And he talked about another man who didn't want to humble himself and go forward...I went home thinking..."back when I didn't want to actually admit I was lost when I was 13...that means that didn't work! And I have to go forward at church and give up my pride, because pride is not repentance, I can't get saved if I don't give up my pride." So it seemed every week I would feel guilty like I should go forward at the invitation (back at my home church), but would push it aside because it was hard, to admit that you were a fake. Again I did talk to some people, but it was never really resolved. I started to feel like if I go forward, then that has to be it. I can't be a fake again. But what if I go forward and I still don't get it right? Then where am I? So I used that as an excuse to not go forward.
Once I noticed I wasn't feeling this conviction to go forward anymore, and I was scared because I was using that as a litmus test whether God would still give me a chance. "Oh there's the conviction, Ive still got a chance. Phew. But no,not going forward." My pastor preached a sermon on Judas vs peter, and I was convinced in my heart of hearts, that I had no more chances, I'd squandered them, God was done. I was going to hell and there was not a chance for reversal. If I thought the anxiety was hard before, it was unbearable now. I wished I'd never been born. Eventually I disteacted myself with reading Lord of the Rings in one summer (the feeling was so real, I was trusting that feeling that I was damned forever) and also john Bunyan's book Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners helped too (I thought if John Bunyan also thought he was damned forever, and HE was wrong, maybe I was wrong too.) I think I went back to praying just-in-case prayers.
Another year at camp, I realized you have to feel sorry for your sins to be saved. So I even mustered up that feeling, and thought I finally got it! That joy lasted for about a day....it seemed I was always looking for a hidden light switch, something was missing...but what was it??
Come to more of the present day. I got married 4 years ago and he's great and a Christian. Still doubted, still no real peace.
I've been realizing that I just kept trying to "do it right." Did I repent? Did I feel sorry? I knew that God saves us and we can't earn it, but that he has a right way for us to come to him, and I was trying to come to him aright. Not just pray a prayer to get out of hell. But as one of my friends reminded me the other day, all my "doing" is filthy rags. Funny that I was baptist all along and "knew" that you can't earn salvation...but I guess I have been trying to anyway.
An issue this week has been...OK...I feel I have been obsessed with "finding what's missing" and trying to muster it up...and now that people have been telling me, "you don't 'do!' HE does the convicting. He gives the repentance and the saving." Now its like I've been obsessed with NOT doing! "Did I let him? Did he do it? Did I rest enough?" I'm still confused with repentance...like...are we SURE there's not something required of us? I feel the past few days when I've been reading and praying and seeking him, i felt that i literally at your mercy, God, you can choose to save me or no, but i am throwing myself on your mercy. But then, the next day it seemed like all emotions, and I was still trying to insert myself in my friend's testimony (make her experience mine) and tell God what to do!
I think I'm beginning to understand, I hope. But there are moments when i feel like I'm absolutely obsessed with this, and it's not helping.
I've had a really weird and intense week. Because I've been giving this such importance, I'm almost afraid to be calm and feel normal. I've always struggled with salvation. I've never had lasting peace that im really saved. (I am 33) I finally got the courage (because of a frightening prospect in my life that gave me some perspective--i thought maybe that was God's doing) to talk to my pastor about all of my life of salvation doubts. It has been a long time coming, I've always felt guilty because it seemed I was hiding this from everyone and pretending I was a Christian (been a member at my Baptist church for about 17 years). So I finally poured it out to my pastor...
My mom, who was saved as an adult after my dad was delivered of drugs and lead her to the Lord, basically wanted me to pray the salvation prayer when I was about 5, because , kids can die too (a bus load of kids crashed in the news). If your mom tells you you need to do this, or you'll go to a scary place someday, duh of course you're going to pray the "prayer." Well I was still afraid of hell after that, so I'd perform these little compulsions (jumping "up" just to make sure God would known I wanted to go "up" to heaven and not "down" to hell.) I don't believe at all that that was true faith, i wasn't saved then . I had other weird anxieties as a kid too, maybe partly because I didn't feel safe all the time (my dad had issues and was a screamer all my life and sometimes hurt things, though not us physically, thank God.)
When I was about 13 I was doubting everything, even God's existence I think, and didn't think I was saved, so I prayed with my mom again. These times of crisis seem like long stretches of time in my mind, like they last for months or years. When we prayed that second time, she said like "now you're a child of God" and that didn't sit well with me--because I was afraid to admit that I HADN'T been a child of God previously...like I had been dangling over hell all those years! So I said something lame like "couldn't we say that I'm rededicating my life to God." I couldn't even admit my lost state! (This becomes important later). Don't believe this was true faith, either. Just praying to cover my butt, so to speak.
Well that second prayer opened up the floodgates...to my praying to be saved over and over and over, through basically the rest of my life so far. We moved a lot but we finally settled here when i was around 15, and we joined my current Baptist church. My membership interview and Baptism was not fun. I remember telling the deacons something of my doubting story, and they finally asked, "if you died now would you go to heaven?" If my life was a movie, this would be where time froze for a second. I *forced* myself to believe "well I did this, and that's what the Bible says right, so I have to choose to believe that" so I told them "yes, because I believe Jesus died and I asked Him to save me." Mind you, that sounds good and all, and they were satisfied with it. I was afraid what theyd say if i said "no." Why was i so afraid/stupid? I could've started seeking God earlier...
But, my answer to them, it was head knowledge on my part. Even the demons believe Jesus died, and tremble, as James says. My baptism was riddled with anxiety. I was not happy. I knew my pastor would ask me while in the water, "is it your desire to obey Him from this day on, to the best of your ability?" And I did not think that it was my desire. But of course I tried to believe it was, so I could say yes...
I started finding things about Jesus being your Lord, and about repentance, which I had never really heard of before. I read Christopher Parkening's (the guitarist) testimony, about how he wanted God's "fire insurance" to get out of hell, but not have God as Lord of his life, therefore he was not saved until after he accepted that. That scared me! I knew something was missing...and I tried to talk to my pastor about this a couple times too, but it's like he didn't get it. Or I didn't get it, or both. Sometimes it does really seem to me that my pastor places so much emphasis on "whoever calls... Will be saved" well I had called so many times, but I sure wasn't saved!
Then I went to christian youth camp, heard an emotional, hard-hitting sermon on repentance. Anxiety galore. I was about 18 at this time. The speaker said things like "this girl kept praying 'Lord IF in not saved save me!" And it wasn't until she admitted her lostness that she could be saved." ..foggy memory paraphrase. And he talked about another man who didn't want to humble himself and go forward...I went home thinking..."back when I didn't want to actually admit I was lost when I was 13...that means that didn't work! And I have to go forward at church and give up my pride, because pride is not repentance, I can't get saved if I don't give up my pride." So it seemed every week I would feel guilty like I should go forward at the invitation (back at my home church), but would push it aside because it was hard, to admit that you were a fake. Again I did talk to some people, but it was never really resolved. I started to feel like if I go forward, then that has to be it. I can't be a fake again. But what if I go forward and I still don't get it right? Then where am I? So I used that as an excuse to not go forward.
Once I noticed I wasn't feeling this conviction to go forward anymore, and I was scared because I was using that as a litmus test whether God would still give me a chance. "Oh there's the conviction, Ive still got a chance. Phew. But no,not going forward." My pastor preached a sermon on Judas vs peter, and I was convinced in my heart of hearts, that I had no more chances, I'd squandered them, God was done. I was going to hell and there was not a chance for reversal. If I thought the anxiety was hard before, it was unbearable now. I wished I'd never been born. Eventually I disteacted myself with reading Lord of the Rings in one summer (the feeling was so real, I was trusting that feeling that I was damned forever) and also john Bunyan's book Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners helped too (I thought if John Bunyan also thought he was damned forever, and HE was wrong, maybe I was wrong too.) I think I went back to praying just-in-case prayers.
Another year at camp, I realized you have to feel sorry for your sins to be saved. So I even mustered up that feeling, and thought I finally got it! That joy lasted for about a day....it seemed I was always looking for a hidden light switch, something was missing...but what was it??
Come to more of the present day. I got married 4 years ago and he's great and a Christian. Still doubted, still no real peace.
I've been realizing that I just kept trying to "do it right." Did I repent? Did I feel sorry? I knew that God saves us and we can't earn it, but that he has a right way for us to come to him, and I was trying to come to him aright. Not just pray a prayer to get out of hell. But as one of my friends reminded me the other day, all my "doing" is filthy rags. Funny that I was baptist all along and "knew" that you can't earn salvation...but I guess I have been trying to anyway.
An issue this week has been...OK...I feel I have been obsessed with "finding what's missing" and trying to muster it up...and now that people have been telling me, "you don't 'do!' HE does the convicting. He gives the repentance and the saving." Now its like I've been obsessed with NOT doing! "Did I let him? Did he do it? Did I rest enough?" I'm still confused with repentance...like...are we SURE there's not something required of us? I feel the past few days when I've been reading and praying and seeking him, i felt that i literally at your mercy, God, you can choose to save me or no, but i am throwing myself on your mercy. But then, the next day it seemed like all emotions, and I was still trying to insert myself in my friend's testimony (make her experience mine) and tell God what to do!
I think I'm beginning to understand, I hope. But there are moments when i feel like I'm absolutely obsessed with this, and it's not helping.
