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My story, done with life.

Discussion in 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' started by NoahSK, May 23, 2019.

  1. NoahSK

    NoahSK New Member

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    Hello everyone. I have posted here many times with many different questions, but I thought I would just make one post where I chronicle everything I've been through up to this point, and see what you all think. I want to describe everything as much as I can, without anything added or left out. Let's begin.

    My whole family is Christian, and I was raised that way. I have been a 'Christian' my whole life, however I didn't really take it too seriously. Now of course I had some reverence toward God, I felt I loved him and I loved it when I would discover a favorite celebrity was a Christian. I would go to church, pray, and read my Bible, because I felt that it would be disrespectful to God not to do these things. I 'believed' in some sense, but my belief was basically "Do what you want, as long as it's not too bad, because God will just forgive you." So I did that: listened to horrible rap, cussed sometimes, played horrible games, watched horrible shows, masturbated to porn multiple times a day and loved it, planned on having sex with anyone should the situation arise (luckily it didn't), and that was the most I wanted out of life. I have tried several times to give up porn, but would eventually give up and give in, saying that I would just be forgiven. Enjoy myself here, then enjoy myself in heaven, right?

    This all changed when I began to have panic attacks and thought I was having heart attacks. I would pray to God and promise to stop looking up porn if he would help me live through it. The episode would end, yet I would continue to do everything I was doing without a care. Then one time, in December, I was going through one such episode, promising to give up my sin, but falling nevertheless. This time, however, it scared me. Would I be eternally damned if I broke a promise to God? I looked it up, and to my relief, the answer I got was 'no.' However, I also read somewhere afterwards that continuing in unrepentant sin could end up causing you to lose salvation or something. I did not know at the time about eternal security and stuff like that (my theology was really shallow back then). This really scared me, and I opened up to my parents about what had been going on. I began to try to turn my life around, stop watching porn and stuff like that, read the Bible more, etc. Didn't last long, and I was watching porn and masturbating again. "Whatever, it's a process, right? Can't stop completely in one go." This continued for a little while, and then things really turned upside down.

    One Sunday mid-January I was about to go to sleep, when I was reading the note card that I had gotten from church that morning. We had just entered a three-week period of prayer and fasting, and I was fasting from video games, because that was practically all I did (oh yeah, and watched porn). Anyway, as I was reading over it again, a few verses in particular caught my eye:

    Matthew 7:21-23
    21 Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' 23 Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

    I felt this verse was talking to me. For the past month, I was trying to clean myself up, sure I failed a bunch, but I was working on it. However, this verse made me take a good long look at myself. I had never even considered this possibility before. A fake Christian? What? How does that work? You believe, and you're saved, right? I looked up a few commentaries on the verses, and it was talking about how someone could profess belief in Christ, but by their actions, show that they don't actually have saving faith, and that they were really deceived. This was news to me. I knew people who said they were Christians, yet listened to rap and cussed and slept around with different people. This is probably what caused me to not care about my sin as much.

    I didn't think about it too much that night, but the next day I sure did. Not so much at school, but after school. I began to be really nervous. Surely a true Christian wouldn't watch porn and long for sex without a care, right? Countless times throughout the day I prayed a prayer asking God to forgive me and save me, however I didn't feel anything after praying, so I would pray again. I began to pace and look nervous, so my parents stopped me and asked me what was going on. I told them, showed them the verse, and they told me not to worry, and that everyone makes mistakes, etc. This sort of comforted me.

    The next day was worse. I was worrying throughout the day at school, and after school, when I went to work, it got really bad. The more I read online, the more I was convinced I wasn't truly saved, and never could be. I was so far gone, that I couldn't truly come to God and be saved. I was sure I was going to hell. I could barely function that day during work. When I finally got off and my mother picked me up, I told her about everything I was worrying about, and I began sobbing profusely, begging God to help me. My mom prayed over me, cried with me, and I felt this peace enter me that I could not explain. I felt that if I wasn't saved before, I was now. Throughout that week, I would struggle with assurance of salvation more times, and it would get really bad again, bringing me to tears, something would happen that would help me feel better. I would hear something in a Christian movie, or read something in our devotional, that me and my parents felt was speaking directly to me. For a few months, the struggles would come and go, and I would talk with different people, including an old youth pastor I had, and this helped me.

    However, it seemed some new reason for why I wasn't saved would pop in my head, and I would worry and cry again. One day, I realized just how many disgusting fetishes and fantasies I had throughout my years of porn watching, and I felt that someone like me couldn't be saved, and that God couldn't love me. This caused me to cry so much, but my mom comforted me by saying that I wasn't too far gone, and that God still loved and wanted me. Anyway, I was fine for a while. One thing that helped was that for a while, my sexual desire was almost non existent, which gave me hope and assurance. I felt this was something that God helped get rid of in me. This wouldn't last though, and little did I know I would go back to struggling with it off and on, which snatched that piece of assurance from me. One time, when I was in one of my sobbing, fearful, feeling hopeless and broken phases, I promised God I would give up playing video games for the rest of my life if He wanted me to. So far, I have kept that promise, mostly out of fear that God would reject me if I started playing again. I thought that doing this would help me, but so far, it appears I was wrong.

    Then one fateful day, I had finished talking to a teacher from my school who was giving me assurance and was helping me with what was going on, and she told me that all I could do was rest and trust in the Lord, and give everything up to Him for Him to take care of. So that's what I did. I stopped thinking about it, and I went to watch a movie with my parents. Oh boy, little did I know that this night would lead to much of my current struggles. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, something happened in my brain, and for some reason, it was like the idea of God and Jesus seemed fake. I was so confused. It was like I stopped believing completely. I told my mom about it, I literally told her "I don't think I believe in God right now. I don't." I literally said that. How did this happen? She told me not to worry, she told me that I really did believe, but that letting go of my problems and giving them to God had caused me to think that I had stopped believing. I went with it, trusted her judgment, assumed I would believe again in the morning, and everything would be good. It didn't stop in the morning. I still felt I didn't believe. I read my Bible and looked up what this could mean. Of course, I found Hebrews 6, which says that if someone stops believing, they can't come back. Whether or not they were saved before or not, it was clear that if you at one point professed faith, then later on renounced it, you were lost without hope. Of course, it was then that I believed again, and this shook me to the core.

    This wasn't the only time this happened, oh no! It would happen again on countless occasions, some lasting several days. I would cry out and ask God to help me believe again. When I did believe again, I would become scared that it was too late for me, and that since I had fallen away and stopped believing, I was gone with no hope. On multiple occasions, during my "unbelieving" phases, I would say out loud "I don't believe in God" or "God doesn't exist" or something like that, at least somewhat meaning what I was saying. Afterward, I would go "Why did I just say that? What is going on? How is this happening?" I would then try to look up some apologetic stuff to try to make me believe again.

    A few times, I would half-wish that none of it was real; that way I wouldn't have to worry about it. I would look at other people who were atheists who didn't have to worry about stuff like salvation and sin and stuff, and I would become sort of jealous of them. A few times I contemplated what it would be like to fall away, and if I should. Of course, right after I would beat myself up and question why I would think such horrible thoughts. What was wrong with me? Is further proof of me not being saved?

    These weren't my only issue though. One night, I had the usual feeling of hopelessness and despair and went to my mom like I usually did to talk to her about it. This time, something was different. I felt angry instead of depressed and scared. I was yelling at people and was in general super angry. When my mom prayed over me like she usually did, instead of feeling the usual peace I felt when she usually prayed over me, this time I felt this irritation and anger when she prayed. I couldn't keep still; it was like the prayer was irritating the heck out of me and I wanted her to stop so bad. Her praying was like nails on a chalkboard to me. After she finished, I told her what I was feeling. She made a face, like she just had a revelation, and she began praying for some evil spirit or something to leave me alone and leave our presence. This scared the living daylights out of me, and I cried profusely and was utterly terrified. She told me she felt something was off when I entered the way I did, and she said she felt something "dark" in the room that left when she prayed it away. I became very scared that I had been possessed. Of course, a true, Spirit-filled Christian, couldn't be demon-possessed, so was this incident further proof that I was not saved? People kept telling me that it was demonic OPPRESSION, not possession, and that I was fine. This didn't satisfy me, and the rest of that week I felt dead inside.

    Another thing that has happened recently is me doubting the divinity of Jesus, Him being the Messiah, and even wondering if maybe He was the Devil in disguise (still hate writing this down). This was in the midst of me going through a "dance between belief and unbelief" times. (During this time I would go from believing to unbelieving to believing again within a very short period of time, and it would keep repeating over and over. I hated it.) My mind would go "What if the Jews are right? What if the Pharisees who committed the unforgivable sin were right?" This caused me to fear even more, and I wondered how I could even contemplate that possibility. It was like I really believed those horrible thoughts. Anyway, I would go look up more apologetic stuff to alleviate my "extreme" doubts.

    On top of everything, I have been fighting looking up porn and stuff off and on, and recently I started looking up straight hardcore porn and masturbating again. This, too, caused me to doubt my salvation.

    To sum it up, many, many, many, many, MANY unconnected, super weird, horrible things have happened to me that have caused me to seriously question if I'm saved, or even if being saved is a possibility for me anymore. I've looked up answers to my questions, and some have been REALLY unhelpful and condemning, and if these people are right, then I'm gone without any chance for forgiveness. The possibilities are either they're right and I'm too far gone and forever damned, they're right and I haven't truly apostatized, meaning their's still hope for me, or they're wrong, and either way I still have hope. I don't want to completely rule out what they say, though, and so this scares me even more. Two people who's stuff I've read that have scared me the most are John Piper and John MacArthur, both extreme (I think) conservative Calvinists. I am inclined to believe that their interpretations are the most Biblical (probably because their interpretations don't sound too good to be true), but then I'm pretty sure that would rule me out completely. So now I don't know what to do. Perhaps I'm not one of the elect, and all of this unwanted crap that is going on in my life is just God's way of rubbing it in my face, that no matter how much I want Him, He doesn't want me. That I was put here on this Earth just to struggle to truly know Him and find victory in Him, and then fail, and be sent to hell to suffer all the more for eternity. I can't deal with this pain and fear anymore. I never wanted to stop believing, have and believe stupid blasphemous thoughts, and all of this other crap. All I ever truly wanted since I read that first verse was to know God and be with Him forever; I want to rest in His perfect love and serve Him and do His will and enjoy His presence forever. But it seems He doesn't share my sympathies. Apparently I was created to suffer. And the more I try to come to Him, the more He lets me know that it ain't gonna happen. I can't take it anymore. I wish I was never born. I wish I was aborted so that I wouldn't have to deal with this crap and so that I didn't have the possibility of blowing it completely and cutting myself off from the only source of true joy and happiness forever, leaving me to suffer for eternity. This is my story. Hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes and make better choices. Take God seriously, or this will happen. You'll be trying to claw your way back to Him, but it will be no use. Honestly, all I want to do at this point is lay on the floor, shrivel up, and die. What else can I do?
     
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  2. JacobKStarkey

    JacobKStarkey Well-Known Member

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    Jesus love you where you are right now.

    Don't worry about family or nutty far right evangelical ministers of the "gospel."

    Get away from the family.

    Get close to God.
     
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  3. royal priest

    royal priest debtor to grace

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    Your testimony reminds me of a hymn that you might be able to relate to like I do.
    It's by John Newton a (Calvinist) pastor from the 17th century. He's the one who also wrote the famous hymn Amazing Grace. Here is that hymn:

    I asked the Lord that I might grow
    in faith and love and ev'ry grace;
    might more of His salvation know,
    and seek more earnestly His face.

    2 ’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
    and He, I trust, has answered pray'r,
    but it has been in such a way
    as almost drove me to despair.

    3 I hoped that in some favored hour
    at once He’d answer my request,
    and by His love’s constraining pow’r
    subdue my sins and give me rest.

    4 Instead of this He made me feel
    the hidden evils of my heart,
    and let the angry pow’rs of hell
    assault my soul in ev'ry part.

    5 Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
    intent to aggravate my woe,
    crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
    humbled my heart, and laid me low.

    6 "Lord, why is this," I, trembling, cried;
    "Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?"
    "Tis in this way," the Lord replied,
    "I answer prayer for grace and faith.

    7 "These inward trials I employ
    from self and pride to set thee free,
    and break thy schemes of earthly joy
    that thou may’st find thy all in Me."
     
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  4. Chris V++

    Chris V++ Mostly Water Supporter

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    Noah, judgement doesn't happen until after we die.
    'And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:' Heb 9:27

    It sounds like you have a conscience which is convicting you of your involvement with pornography. You are not alone in that struggle with that addiction. It even plagues and in some cases ruins esteemed priests and pastors. Every Man's Battle Intensive Workshop

    Do you know what the OT punishment for masturbation was? You would have to wash up to become ceremonially clean again.

    Your brain is a though producing organ, and yours seems to generate an inordinate amount of self condemning thoughts. That doesn't make them facts. Go easy on yourself.
     
  5. Phoebe Ann

    Phoebe Ann From Mormonism to Christ Supporter

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    Well, all I can say is that I didn't start seriously looking for truth in the Bible until I was in my thirties, and then you might say, "All hell broke loose." I thought I had failed God and that He could never use me. Things didn't go smoothly and I wondered how much I could take. I told God that I wouldn't kill myself, but I'd be happy if He would just let me die so I wouldn't have to face another day. I'm still here years later! God has helped me endure my life; I'm glad. I'm here to tell others, "God will help you in your worst times, your darkest hours."
     
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  6. DennisTate

    DennisTate Newbie Supporter

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    I have to leave the computer now for a bit.... I haven't totally finished your first post.... but way to go.... your telling your testimony here will have people praying for you and you will receive extra strength and wisdom and guidance.
     
  7. Brotherly Spirit

    Brotherly Spirit Well-Known Member Supporter

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    You're young and hormonal, also as much human as you'll ever be. Whether you're a believer or not won't change your physical existence as a man. Same for life here on earth, it's all limited and functions according to reality of this world. Which as you know is imperfect and broken, always will challenging with periods of ups and downs.

    What can change is your spiritual existence and how you cope with struggles and sufferings. When we fall, there's two choices, either we stay down defeated or we rise victorious. Yes, the fall had happened but what's important is the response to it and not surrendering.

    As Christians our hope is we're not alone and aren't left to always lift ourselves up, we have the Lord and his followers. This is what you can always believe even if you don't feel it. Belief is more than thought and emotion, it's action; it's also something you witness having testimonies. Were you or others ever helped and lifted up? Was a helping hand ever given?

    Just start every day as a new beginning and only concern yourself by day. It helps not to get ahead of yourself which causes most of the worries. Another is understanding sins aren't all about what we say or do, it's our perspectives too. For example God lowered himself in Jesus to be among us and forgive sins, His will was the concern for us and to reach His arms as far for us to be saved. This was done through the selfless act of Jesus the Son of God giving his life for us to live. Not only on the cross but to concerning himself with others to help them.

    My own experience with dealing with pornography and masturbation was it's helpful to shift focus on how it affects others and one's relationship with God. Instead of it being about you, it's Him and people; examples would be the exploitation of those involved and perversion of God's will for us (e.g. vulnerable/mistreated/abused, premarital or non-intimate sex/ unwanted pregnancies/abortions etc.) So your attention isn't all on you but the actual problems of sin, understanding the wrongs of sin further than yourself and seeking Him in the Lord Jesus Christ for his and their sake.
     
  8. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

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    :heart: Hello Noah. Praying for you. (((hug)))
     
  9. NoahSK

    NoahSK New Member

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    Thanks everyone, but prayers aren't going to help here. I think it's pretty clear that I'm beyond forgiveness. I've fallen away, and according to Hebrews 6 can't come back. Even if I could, it wouldn't matter because I've done the unforgivable sin. So either way, no dice.
     
  10. Mari17

    Mari17 Well-Known Member

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    Facts:
    1. You have OCD.
    2. You do need to repent and return to God if you have been sinning, but
    3. Your OCD will make you feel a lot guiltier and more fearful than reality warrants.
    4. Fears of blaspheming, falling away, and being unforgivable are VERY VERY common obsessions for Christians with OCD.
    5. You are NOT oppressed OR possessed, because
    6. You have OCD.

    You can't do anything about the past. You can ruminate about all of these things forever, but the truth is, your only choice is to move forward, asking God to forgive your past sins and TRUSTING THAT HE WILL. He is going to bring you up out of this, but you have to give Him the chance by trusting in His mercy and grace. Don't let the obsessive lies of your mind drag you down. CHOOSE to treat this as OCD, even if you're not sure that it is. Please, please get therapy and/or meds if you need to. Also, if you want more peer support, join the "Christianity and Anxiety Disorders" group on Facebook, which has a lot of people with similar struggles.

    I know you feel terrible. I've been there, too. But this will not last forever, and there will come a point where you feel peace and victory again. Hang in there. God will help bring you through this.
     
  11. DennisTate

    DennisTate Newbie Supporter

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    No.... the very fact that you still care proves that you have not done the unpardonable sin.........

    A guy named Todd White lived twenty two years as a drug addict but once he fully repented and received power from the Holy Spirit... he ended up with a powerful testimony that was instrumental in helping my daughter to fully give her life to Messiah Yeshua - Jesus..........

    One of your options is to church hop until you meet somebody who can pray for you like Todd White was prayed for......



    but there are a bunch of answers for you in this audio book that you could listen to when you are tired......
    I have listened to it many times over these past six months.....


    At the 2:28 two minute and twenty eight second mark in this audio is a statement that may help you to understand how you are being hit........
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2019
  12. DennisTate

    DennisTate Newbie Supporter

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    I've noticed this happen a lot during my sixty years:

    The Call Rick Joyner
    Victory or Defeat
    (near the bottom of the page)
     
  13. NoahSK

    NoahSK New Member

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    I don’t know, I keep thinking about Esau, and how he couldn’t repent even if he wanted too, no matter how many tears he cried (and I’ve cried many tears as well). Maybe I’m just another Esau, totally abandoned by God. Maybe the only reason I was created was to be an example of what NOT to do to be saved. I shudder to think about my inevitable future damnation. Perhaps it is too late for me.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  14. DennisTate

    DennisTate Newbie Supporter

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    My wife played a really interesting episode of Sid Roth yesterday evening.... it was the one with the Bible that has been pouring out oil for two years now........... Some miraculous healings of porn addiction were recounted in that episode.

    https://sidroth.org/unprecedented-miracles-now-live-replay/
     
  15. NoahSK

    NoahSK New Member

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    I don’t know. I’m beginning to worry again. Of course, I began to watch porn again and was really into it for the past week or so? That whole time, I didn’t really read my Bible or really pray or whatever. I felt disconnected from God. A few days ago, I got caught, finally. I still don’t know how I could have gotten so caught up in it again. I keep trying to repent, but keep finding myself doing it again. I don’t even know if I’m really repenting. After getting caught, I cried out to God to please help me stop and to please forgive me. I don’t even know if I’m truly repenting, and if my sorrow is true Godly sorrow or worldly sorrow. I just feel distant from God now, and whenever I pray I don’t feel His presence like I did.
     
  16. NoahSK

    NoahSK New Member

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    Is it possible to want to be saved, but be unable to? I’ve read both yes and no, so I want to hear what other’s have to say and why. I don’t even know what’s going on, I’ve had little to no joy in my life. I just want to really know God and feel Him and know I’m His. But I feel that I am just unable to be saved.
     
  17. DennisTate

    DennisTate Newbie Supporter

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    Personally...... I think that all of us can learn something serious from this powerful writing:

    The Final Quest [English] Rick Joyner
    Back in 1988 I and my old church were captives to fear.... and paranoia.... and a seriously misguided understanding on many Christian doctrines. I also fell into something of an addiction to porn for a while too....... I just turned sixty and it is only in the last few years where I finally got so busy going through what I perceive as open doors that I just don't have any time for it at all.......
    but still those advertisements off to the side of pages to present temptations I cannot deny!
     
  18. DennisTate

    DennisTate Newbie Supporter

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    We really cannot save ourselves.......
    we really are only saved by GRACE..... the undeserved kindness of Messiah Yeshua - Jesus and
    the time is coming when you will understand why Messiah would allow you to go through such temptations so that you have a higher level of humility and empathy for others. You may be shocked to find out how powerful your words were in the lives of many pastors and Christian theologians who read your story here...... and finally begin to cry out for the righteousness of Messiah Yeshua - Jesus to be in them........ because our own righteousness is not enough.
     
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