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my son is a pedophile

Discussion in 'Parenting Teens and Young Adults' started by jeana1, Apr 9, 2006.

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  1. jeana1

    jeana1 New Member

    3
    +0
    Christian
    he's 16

    for about three years my son has steadily gotten more antisocial and depressed-looking. he has a sort of haunted look in his eyes. i thought there must have been something wrong because i've had other children and it never got THAT bad just because of hormones. i thought it might be at school but he always said everything was fine there. i tried twice to ask him what it was but he wouldn't tell me at all, he just kept silent and looked ashamed. last week i tried again. when i was babysitting my sisters kids he went up to his room and he looked terrible. i went in after they were asleep and turned the light out and asked him what was wrong. he didn't say anything for about half an hour, but i was more persistent and then he started mumbling illegible things and beginning to say something and cutting off. i don't know how long it took but eventually he said 'i'm a pedophile' really quick, then he started weeping terribly and shaking. i said it was ok and comforted him, but i really don't know what to think, i'm really shocked and i don't like to say it but a little disgusted because i (was) really anti-pedo.

    when he calmed down he told me that he really liked girls between 7 and 11 sexually and he wanted to touch them and see them naked but he knew it was wrong and he said he wouldn't ever do it. he said he didn't like adults. he said he was ashamed about it and scared that other people would find out and would hate him, which is why he didn't tell me. he said he started liking little girls when he was 13 and his lust has gotten steadily worse since then. he told me that he had a collection of pictures of little girls he cut out from swimsuit magazines, and he had a piece of my friend's daughters clothes.

    i really don't know what to do.

    is it a sin? is he really a pedophile? what should i do, should we get treatment or something? should i trust him around my friends' kids anymore? please help me.
     
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  2. Mskedi

    Mskedi Senior Veteran

    +470
    Methodist
    Married
    US-Green
    Whoa.

    I don't even know what to say. The fact that he admitted it and is torn about it means he should be open to getting help, and that's something I think you should pursue. I've never heard of the reformation of a pedophile before, but as he is young and he hasn't acted on anything, there should be hope for him.

    I would not let him babysit or be alone with young girls... unfortunately, he has already said they are at risk with him and I read too much awful stuff about teens being molesters back when I was in college to encourage you to trust him just because he says he's resisting it.

    Support him, pray for his deliverance from this, and get him some professional help as soon as possible.
     
  3. tp65

    tp65 Well-Known Member

    +105
    Lutheran
    Married
    First, I am sorry for your pain and the pain your son is going through. We can thank God that he has not acted on this temptation.

    I agree, it is imperative that you find him some help immediately. Do not let him be around young girls right now, it could be feeding his temptation.

    Also, I believe the pictures are feeding his problem.

    He trusts you enough to tell you what is going on. Encourage him that God can heal anyone of any physical or emotional impurity, but he does need to seek help. He knows this is wrong, which is why he is so torn up inside. Continue to love him and watch over him, he needs you now more than ever.

    I don't have any advice other than that, I pray that someone will come into your life (that has been through similar circumstances) that will offer much hope and encouragement.

    You and he are in my prayers.
     
  4. Leanna

    Leanna Just me

    +160
    Christian
    Married
    He sounds like he needs some kind professional counseling to help him talk through this.

    Do you know for a fact that there hasn't been any abuse in his past by an older man or woman?
     
  5. HonorTruth

    HonorTruth New Member

    35
    +6
    Protestant
    I sent you a private message about this. Do not panic but take this seriously. It is rather amazing that your son confided in you about this. That is a very, very good sign. He knows that his sexual interest is wrong and he clearly wants to be rid of it. That is a great place to start. I can recommend some helpful resources.

    HonorTruth
     
  6. lavenderskies

    lavenderskies Senior Veteran

    +127
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    I agree with everyone above. It is wonderful that he has trusted you to confide in. I also see it as a cry for help. It seems to me that he has this problems and it has lead to depression. I would also seek counseling from him. I am unsure if you are in the United States but here we have a group much like Alcoholics Anonymous but its called Sexual addicts anonymous. I would also look into the book titled "Every Young man's battle" it deals with all the sexual battles teenage boys face. Our church had a study on it.
    I will be praying for you with all my heart!

    Father, I ask you to reach out to this young boy. Lord he knows his lustful thoughts are wrong. He is showing he is ready to accept help. Father please help the parents to know the right path. Lord. Help this family to find the help they need. Father I bind this curse that is on this young man's life. I bind it in the name of Jesus. He will have no more lustful thoughts of little girls. His mind will be made clear in the name of Jesus. Lord send angels to protect this boy. Wrap your loving arms around him father and let him know you are near. Father I thank you for saving this man from going down a wrong road in life. Lord I thank you for guiding his parents. I thank you for making him pure again Lord.
    In Jesus name
    Amen
     
  7. Mskedi

    Mskedi Senior Veteran

    +470
    Methodist
    Married
    US-Green
    I just have to add...

    You must be one amazing parent for him to feel comfortable confiding this to you. Because of that, I have no doubt that you will do everything you can to help him. You are both in my prayers.
     
  8. bliz

    bliz Contributor

    +1,017
    Christian
    Married
    Please seek some professional counseling for him ASAP. You should also stop babysitting for your sister. You son needs to have a home that is as free of temptetion as you can make it.
     
  9. jeana1

    jeana1 New Member

    3
    +0
    Christian
    thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. i have done some research over the past few days and i'm finding many different opinions on whether i should take my son to see a psychologist (he has said he doesn't want to go to one, so i don't know what to do)

    i found this site: childlove.0catch.com it's help for parents of teen 'childlovers.' it suggests that taking him to therapy would be a very bad decision, and since the site appears to be made by 'childlovers,' i'm inclined to trust they have experience. still, i'm not sure these are the people i should trust.

    i make sure to always be in the room when he's with any girls i'm babysitting now. i hope, however, that he doesn't notice this, because then he will probably think i do not trust him and think he is going to molest. difficult situation.

    he hasn't told me where the pictures are. i recommended he throw them out but i am not going to force him to do so. i'm torn -- i want him to have an outlet, but at the same time i agree they may be 'feeding' his temptation.

    no, but as i understand most pedophiles were not abused as children -- it's a myth.


    thank you so much for your prayers everyone.
     
  10. lavenderskies

    lavenderskies Senior Veteran

    +127
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Some pedophiles are molested as kids and some are not. The man who molested my child was not molested as a child. The pornographic pictures her molester was constantly viewing made things much worse. If you are in the US please be very very careful. If your son has touched any child, or has pornographic pictures of children, and you are aware and you do not report to CPS, if they find out, they can and will take your child from you. Please be very careful. You also need to consider the parents of the kids you are babysitting. Do they know? If it were my child and you were babysitting and knew your son was sexually attracted to kids the age of my child, I would not want my child being babysat. This places innocent children at risk. You have to leave to use the restroom at least, and that is all the opportunity needed. Children are even sometimes molested in a public restroom with a parent right outside the door. As the parent of a kid who has been molested and as a mother, I have to say. It is your responsibility to your son, and to the kids you babysit that they not be exposed to one another. This feeds your child's temptation, and it puts innocent children at risk. I know you do not want to think about this, but you must. What if you are in the restroom and he does fondle a child you are babysitting. Are you prepared for what will happen? Your son will be charged. In my state we even have a sex offender registry he would be placed on. He would have difficulty finding a job. Your entire family would be put through a living nightmare. It is your responsibility to protect him, and the other kids. Please I beg you do not take this chance. It could destroy many lives, including your sons.
     
  11. TexasSky

    TexasSky Senior Veteran

    +906
    Baptist
    Private
    US-Others
    There are professional counselors who work with pedophilia. You and your son should see them.

    No, do not trust him around your friend's children. One slip at all could destroy so many lives, including his own.

    You don't need to tell anyone else other than a counselor. Just tell the friends that your son doesn't get along with children lately and that you feel it would be a bad environment for the other children.

    It is possible that your son is .. mislabeling himself, (perhaps it is "clean shaven women" or a "disgust with women who are mensing). Only a counselor who is highly trained in working with certain issues can help your son work through this.

    You must be an awesome parent though.
     
  12. Estefana

    Estefana Well-Known Member

    657
    +55
    Catholic
    Private
    I can't really advise at all, but I wanted to let you know I am praying.
     
  13. YouthPastor

    YouthPastor Name = Brett

    702
    +32
    Christian
    Married
    FIrst - it is GREAT that he confided in you - this is no small thing!!!

    Secondly, I don't think he would technilcally be a pdeophile - because of his age.

    also as others have said - be leary when around yournger girls - do not leave him alone with them and you may need to sit down and explain that to him as well - that if he is ever placed in a situation where he would be left alone with a younger girl - that he must get out of it.

    I beleive he does need to talk to someone - but try if possible to make it a christian councellor - that way they will deal with the spiritual aspect as well.
     
  14. YouthPastor

    YouthPastor Name = Brett

    702
    +32
    Christian
    Married
    it was not PORN - it was younger girls in bathing suites taken from magazines, I assume like the k-mart flyer or whatever. Still knowing his issues - they need to be throne out as well - but by your post - it sounded as you thought it was actual child porn!

    right now - there is nothing they chould do - having pictures of girls in swim suites cut out from a kmart ad is not child porn and police would not be able to do anything. Ther eis nothing illegal about a kmart ad. It would show warning signs - but in reality it is not child porn and not much they could do.
     
  15. wanderingone

    wanderingone I'm not lost I'm just wandering

    +846
    Lutheran
    Married
    US-Others
    I wouldn't use that site as a resource-
    Here's a site with information and links to therapists who specialize.. I'd also do more research on each therapist when you do decide to take him for help.

    http://www.stopchildmolestation.org/pages/focus_on_the_cause.html

    Very few teenagers WANT to see a therapist.. but if your kid is sick you get them treatment.. if they have an infection you get them antibiotics, if they need mental health care you get it for them.

    I wouldn't take the risk. It's obviously causing your son difficulties and temptation and the risk to the children you are being trusted to care for is too significant.
     
  16. lawtonfogle

    lawtonfogle My solace my terror, my terror my solace.

    +332
    Christian
    This is a tough one. Allot of what I am going to say has been said by others, but I may be a bit blunter.

    I will first and foremost say a counselor is needed. DO NOT get a school counselor; I have heard enough cases or kids lives being, or almost being, ruined because they did not have enough experience. Make sure the counselor is Christian. Don't just take him to a counselor, but sit down with him and try to talk out why he doesn't want to see a counselor. He may be scared that others will find out, he may be scared he will be hated.

    Now, you need to go ahead and sit down and set boundaries for relationships and interaction with all girls. Make sure he understands why each rule is there. Next, get him a book on sexual purity (even if it is aimed at ‘normal lust’).

    These are some things to think about. Most guys were attracted to 7-11 year old girls, just when they were the same age (though many would not admit it back then). Did your son have an attraction back when he was around that age (admittedly it is not the same type attraction as now). Next, what has his experiences with; a few years ago was he bullied by a girl who was 14-17, making him develop a bit of hatred for girls this age? Such things need to be taken into consideration.

    Now is the question of him just having an attraction to either pre-pubic or flat-chest girls? Admittedly, these can be considered the same. Is he disgusted by big breast? He probably won’t come out and say yes or no, but what he has confided in you already is surprising enough.

    I think the best thing to do is sit down with him and try to figure out why he is attracted to younger girls. It is natural (ok, maybe not the correct word, but I really don’t know another way to say it) for a boy his age to want to see a girl naked. Now, it wouldn’t just be any girl, but a girl with physical characteristics that he finds sexually attractive. It may just so happen that these are easily found in younger girls.

    Make sure he has strong standards. All guys at the age of 16 have attraction to girls. There are guys who are attracted to other 16 year olds, but they don’t act on their attraction/lust because they have strong standards. If your son has strong standards, he will be less likely to do anything physical. If he was attracted to 16 year old girls (and I am not saying he is not) would you leave him alone with one? Make sure you take the same precaution with younger girls.

    Pray. Pray for him to keep his mind free from lust, no matter what type. Pray for God to keep you son out of any dangerous situations. And, this is my own suggestion, pray God will send in a girl that will be special to him. This was the single act of God that has taught me the most, and helped me with many problems, including one similar to this.

    I will pray for your son.
     
  17. charligirl

    charligirl Senior Veteran

    +10
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Just to add to all the other great advice you have been given I would recommend prayer counselling, perhaps just for yourself to start with so you have a strengt hand spiritual tools to cope with this.

    Of course it is a sin and you would not be normal if you weren't disgusted with the idea, sin is abhorant to God, as christians we have the mind of Christ so it follows that we should find sin abhorent as well. BUT, God still loves us and sent His son to die for us because of our sin. God loves your son even more than you do, and He knows just where He is at at the moment. Pray for him, seek out some sort of experienced prayer counsellor or elder who can pray with you perhaps. We don't just fight against flesh and blood, the bible says we fights against evil spirits as well, this type of desire is not merely psychological but it opens the door to spiritual things and they can only be dealt with by the blood of Jesus through prayer.. in addition to some good trained professional counsel.

    Not all molestors are abused as children, dysfunction in an area is often eroticised at adolescence, an example I know of was when man had a sexual foot/shoe fetish... seems very weird, but not when you consider as a child he hardly ever saw his high-flying carrer Mother.. he would crawl into her closet and as he was so small would sit amongst her shoes holding them to feel close to her. It gave him comfort and as he got older and sexual feelings began to emerge it all got mixed up and now feet and shoes are what turns him on.

    A good prayer counsellor should be able to pray through the spiritual influences in your son's life and a good professional counsellor should be able to unwrap the emotional and physical reasons.

    I pray that you both come through this into victory.
     
  18. Cordy

    Cordy “In case I don't see ya…”

    +790
    Non-Denom
    Married
    My heart goes out to your son. If someone struggles with socially "acceptable" sin, they can reach out and get help. They know they won’t be severely judged, and they can bring their sinful struggles to light, so they can be dealt with.

    This is not one of those “acceptable” sins, and therefore rather than seek help, it is more likely to remain hidden, and fester. I can only imagine how struggling with something like that, and feeling like he has to hide it, can be extremely difficult.

    Let him know how much you love him. Spend a lot of time with him right now. Now that somebody knows, he needs to know that you do not in any way reject him.

    I agree with the others about removing the stuff from you home. I would ask him to give it to you. That would probably be better than you just taking it. Though, if he doesn’t hand it over, you still need to remove it from your home.

    And keep the young kids away. Don’t tell anyone why, and don’t say it has anything to do with your son. Find a creative answer that they will brush off. I wouldn’t say anything that would cause others to suspect him. That would be crushing.

    Help him seek counselling immediately. This has been festering untouched for a long time. It needs to come to light (although confidential light), and dealt with.

    And I am with Charligirl in praying. Never underestimate the power of prayer. Because of the possible judgment and repercussions that could happen because of the sinfulness of wagging tongues, I would be extremely careful and about sharing this with anyone in your congregation for prayer. I would seek a source you know will be confidential outside your regular church to join you in prayer. Much of this is to support you, so that you have someone else to battle this out on your knees with. Just as your son needs support, you might need that, too. But don’t think that your prayers are less heard because you are one. God can hear one single prayer just as loud as a congregation.

    Praying that you have strength, wisdom, and discernment during this time, and that God’s amazing grace and power would touch and heal this situation for His victory.
     
  19. lawtonfogle

    lawtonfogle My solace my terror, my terror my solace.

    +332
    Christian
    Maybe I am seeing it a bit differently, but should your son avoid all contact with kids. Any contact with you and/or your wife should be avoided, but when a normal guy has 'normal lust', they are not kept away from contact with all girls around their age. Something may or may not happen if you treat him this way. I guess that is something best left to someone trained in that field.
     
  20. Rhylla

    Rhylla Regular Member

    235
    +6
    Christian
    Married
    just a thought about the internet, might be worth keeping half an eye on the sites that are visited.

    -Rhylla-
     
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