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My son has his first girlfriend at 21

Discussion in 'Parenting Teens and Young Adults' started by vigilantsoul, Oct 9, 2011.

  1. vigilantsoul

    vigilantsoul Junior Member

    I spent some time with my 21 year old son, his first girlfriend, her mother and brother at a comedy theatre.

    I am seeing that my son is overselling his good quatlities and going so over the top, being the nice guy, getting all of us our drinks and snacks etc. I was in ear shot of his girlfriend complaining to her mum how my son is so stressful, being drama about getting drinks food etc, and blah blah blah, her words verbatim.

    Later after the musical we went to mc donalds to get coffee on the outskirts of the city and again he is doing all the running around while they are sitting on their lazy behinds.
    He finally sits down with all the coffee, girlfriend peels a 'play it to win' sticker from her coffee and gets a free bonus bag of apple and her mother says 'go get the free bag of apple' to my son.

    I believe we show people how to treat us, and this is what is happening.

    His girlfriend reeks of 'diva' attitude and i have to say I really dont like her at all, not after spending 6 or so hours in her company. She yelling, 'fat, cow' from the car to people, and ugly.

    She said she wants one of my son's pay packets to go to an exclusive shopping precinct, 'Chadstone' She feels so deprived and jealous she has not been shopping in forever. She was openly laughing in front of two women who were taking their own photos with an iphone, and says gosh what are they, 50?

    She kept whining about her $130 dress.

    I believe a person can speak well and have elocution to do this. Is there a difference between speaking well and being a plum in the mouth? Her content is definitely not classy like is is desperate to portray.

    I can see so many red flags,and if I dont want to lose my beautiful son, I just have to sit and smile.

    I know I am being judgemental right now, but I sense as a mother he is going to be either run off his feet or hurt badly.

    Do I do anything to help him, he has not asked for it, I sense I need to stay out of it. I just hope he realises. She is so fixated on her hair, color of her lips, her clothes. i have never seen the natural color of her lips. Always 'fire engine red'

    He is clearly head over heels, but I hope if there are any red flags he says them, and doesnt sell himself short.

    He even held her head while she sprawled her self sideways (there were three of us in the back seat of the car on the ride home. His arms were not supported either and she was asleep.

    Please dont tell me to get over it, as a mother. I am one of those people that is so sensitive, that sees things too quickly and can empathise on both sides.

    If he is happy I will be happy for him, but I have already seen him, change what he loves for her.

    No body really respects someone that gives up their own self for others.
    When he comes home for a visit, he collapses on a bean bag and sleeps.

    Please, I would dearly appreciate another perspective and or support, thankyou and God Bless.
  2. Niffer

    Niffer So...that just happened.

    I'm really sorry for your situation, its must be hard watching your son enslave himself to a diva.
    But I applaud your attitude completely. I can't imagine having to 'sit and smile' like that when you're screaming 'run away!' on the inside - but you do it because you love your son.

    Maybe you could have a just a casual chat with your son about your gf's behavior? Like: "Does she normally yell at people from cars?" etc.

    I don't really have any advice, but I do sympathize.

    - Niffer
  3. vigilantsoul

    vigilantsoul Junior Member

    Thankyou, it was really lovely of you to reply, I sure do appreciate the validation. I dont always trust my own feelings, they just eat at me.

    I will ask my son one day, what you mention about her judgemental behaviour.

    God Bless
  4. dodgingflames

    dodgingflames Newbie

    Unfortunately, you could probably tell your son what's wrong with her all day long and he'd still only see the good for a while longer. I'd definitely advise him against giving her money to go shopping. Being used is not grounds for a relationship, and they should be more devoted before he starts paying for frivolous things for her outside of their own dates. Just my opinion, though telling him that may feel too much like butting in, I'm not sure.
  5. homeofmew

    homeofmew Master Trainer Supporter

    In Relationship
    You Know by the time your 21- ish or somewhere around my age you are expected to be looking for someone else. I was in a relationship when I was 22-23 ish that alsted for 2-3 years is theat ended horribly. Let him learn by himself.
  6. Grace51

    Grace51 Active Member

    i agree. sometime you need to allow your kids room to make their own mistake, sometimes that is the best/only way they will learn.

    a couple of years ago my sister was married this man. He and his family didnt treat her right. But she was so in love she didnt listen to my parents.

    She does now.

    i think you should have a talk with you son, but dont push or nag.

    He might not listen to you now. but when he look back a few years from now, he'll realize you are right, and will have a new level of confidence in you he would not have otherwise gained.
  7. stophurtingyourkid

    stophurtingyourkid Newbie

    How did you get your son to wait til age 21 to have a girl friend? My son is 15 and just had his first gf and most kids in HS are dating or wanting to meet someone they like by the age of 12-13-14-15-16. Did he choose to wait or did you as parents force him to wait? How did he deal with his normal sexual curiosity and desires prior to this time? Please help me understand. Don't mean to sound obnoxious I just dont get it.
  8. vigilantsoul

    vigilantsoul Junior Member

    My son is one of those unique type of persons. Not everyone is mainstream. I had no hand in how or when he found a girlfriend. He is very introspective.
  9. Hetta

    Hetta believing the strangest things, loving the alien

    Christian Seeker
    How is your son doing? Is he still dating this girl?
  10. vigilantsoul

    vigilantsoul Junior Member

    sorry I lost my password and didn't come back here for a while.

    Yes my son is still with this girl:scratch::cry:

    It appears if they marry, I will no longer see him. She has no desire for her boyfriends family to be involved on any level.

    You know the saying about when you have a son and he takes a wife. Not in all cases but most.
  11. parsley

    parsley .

    What! Three years? She sounded horrid.

    She sounds so manipulative. Instead of making it about her or his plans, talk to him about having the freedom to make his own decisions. He might be feeling used and suffocated by her, but not know that he has a way out. Or that this is not normal.

    And he might not know how to break up with someone gracefully, if he hasn't had girlfriends before. Show him that it can be done, that he can delay major decisions as long as he wants, that people break up all the time and learn how to get over it, and that he has an equal voice in every relationship.
  12. vigilantsoul

    vigilantsoul Junior Member

    My prayers are being answered after a long 6 and a half years. My son is going through a horrid heart breaking end to this relationship. She used my son's gentle nature to get what she wanted and get she will have. He doesnt want the hassle and issue of dividing everything. He is sole mortgage payer of a small cottage in an old historical mining township. This cottage was the childhood holidays of this girlfriend and her family. The old lady renting the accomodation was selling and no longer having it as a holiday rental.

    Her and the mother teamed up about 3/4 years ago and got my son to buy it. They dont pay utilities or the mortgage. I just hope and pray he stops paying, as I've witnessed first hand how she mocks and laughs at people and how stupid they are. We did refer to her as the sugar baby, it stood out like a sore thumb how much my son meant to her. When he would fall ill, he would spend those days at home. She did say early in the relationship, if he became infirm or disabled, she would have him in an institution as there was no way she would change his nappies. She will come to realise how good my son was, not that he should waste that when the love was never reciprocated. I hurt for my son's hurt, its tough, its sad.