- Jun 5, 2019
- 2
- 1
- 30
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
I made this account just to post this thread; I was hoping for some third party insight from men/women of God that aren’t directly involved in my life because it’s a humiliating story.
*WARNING: VERY MATURE TOPIC*
I was born and raised in Bible Belt Michigan and moved to San Francisco a year and a half ago for work. Ended up meeting a girl online and became friends through a texting app. Decided to meet up and I had an opportunity to witness to her. Didn’t really plan on seeing her again (after finding out we live very different life styles with her being a San Francisco party girl, and me being a church guy.) but then she messaged me saying she wanted to learn more about Jesus and wanted to know if we could meet up again to discuss. I agreed.
Very long story short- over the course of 4 months, she read the New Testament, became a Christian, got baptized, established a strong church family at a church I recommended to her, became one of the most passionate woman for God I’ve ever met, and ... drumroll please ... became my girlfriend.
I love every part of who this woman has become. Truly, every trait I’m looking for in a wide is present. The issue lies in her history; her past upsets my spirit greatly. From the beginning, her sexual past has been a struggle for me. I’m not perfectly pure myself, I’ve done stuff with exes, just not all the way. The fact she’s gone all the way with a good handful of men is a literal constant all day pain. I’m struggling to see her as made new in Christ with the putting on of a new self. And yes I’m aware of the obnoxious hypocrisy that’s going on in my mind considering I have sexual sin in my past too. I decided to date her believing that I was mature enough to handle this in a godly way and grow through it.
This struggle and pain progressed and manifested in a very dark way. I became obsessed over the topic and asked as detailed of questions as you could ever imagine. Past genital sizes, amount of physical pleasure, which positions, etc. and she answered everything I asked, striving to be open and honest with me. So I now have all these very detailed pictures burnt in my mind. And go figure, some of the answers were NOT what I wanted to hear, leading to massive self insecurities. A huge bummer is that she said all of her exes were pretty terrible sexual experiences with the exception of the man she was with 3 months before we met. Well endowed, wore magnums, fun, satisfying, you get the picture. Feels like I was just 3 months too late to be her only positive experience. (Once married of course). I feel like that’s the salt on the wound, Like this wouldn’t be so rough if I knew all the competition was easy to beat.
The problem grew darker when I started initiating sexual impurity with her. Not all the way, but pushing to fool around. She never initiated, it was always me. And it was usually a couple hours of breaking down her walls before she would enter into sinful acts. (Again, not all the way). I felt like if I could just do stuff with her, please her, etc. I could “claim her” or something. Well who woulda thought... that definitely didn’t fix the problem in my heart lol.. everything became a competition- “was that the best? Am I the best? Am I the biggest? Do I make you the most excited?”
I, the man who the Lord used to witness to her and speak through, led her back into the same life of sin she escaped. I feel so much shame as a man. I’ve been acting like an insecure child. I have failed her, and she feels broken about not behaving as brand new- blaming herself for allowing us to go there.
We have now been on a heavy pursuit towards purity. Recognizing the Lord won’t bring any healing or blessing while we live in sin. We messed up once in the past 4 week period, so not perfect, but massive improvement considering how hard it is to shut that door once opened.
So yeah, there’s my sin on a silver platter. don’t even have an identified question to ask, this is just my current situation and wanted some insight. We’re talking about engagement by 2020, and I know that I can’t bring this garbage into a marriage, so I’m trying to find resolution. How in the world could the Lord make beauty out of this mess I’ve created? Would he ever heal, bless, and redeem this relationship? Will he renew my mind so I can see her the way the Lord does? Can I really carry my cross, die to myself, and put this pride to death?
I’m very aware I’m in the wrong. I’m very aware im the issue. So I don’t really need condemnation or to be told how awful of a man I’ve been. I already know it and I’ve been confessing it and taking it up with the Lord on my knees. I acknowledge my sin and my messed up behavior/mindset. Just need some genuine advice on how to work through this.
*WARNING: VERY MATURE TOPIC*
I was born and raised in Bible Belt Michigan and moved to San Francisco a year and a half ago for work. Ended up meeting a girl online and became friends through a texting app. Decided to meet up and I had an opportunity to witness to her. Didn’t really plan on seeing her again (after finding out we live very different life styles with her being a San Francisco party girl, and me being a church guy.) but then she messaged me saying she wanted to learn more about Jesus and wanted to know if we could meet up again to discuss. I agreed.
Very long story short- over the course of 4 months, she read the New Testament, became a Christian, got baptized, established a strong church family at a church I recommended to her, became one of the most passionate woman for God I’ve ever met, and ... drumroll please ... became my girlfriend.
I love every part of who this woman has become. Truly, every trait I’m looking for in a wide is present. The issue lies in her history; her past upsets my spirit greatly. From the beginning, her sexual past has been a struggle for me. I’m not perfectly pure myself, I’ve done stuff with exes, just not all the way. The fact she’s gone all the way with a good handful of men is a literal constant all day pain. I’m struggling to see her as made new in Christ with the putting on of a new self. And yes I’m aware of the obnoxious hypocrisy that’s going on in my mind considering I have sexual sin in my past too. I decided to date her believing that I was mature enough to handle this in a godly way and grow through it.
This struggle and pain progressed and manifested in a very dark way. I became obsessed over the topic and asked as detailed of questions as you could ever imagine. Past genital sizes, amount of physical pleasure, which positions, etc. and she answered everything I asked, striving to be open and honest with me. So I now have all these very detailed pictures burnt in my mind. And go figure, some of the answers were NOT what I wanted to hear, leading to massive self insecurities. A huge bummer is that she said all of her exes were pretty terrible sexual experiences with the exception of the man she was with 3 months before we met. Well endowed, wore magnums, fun, satisfying, you get the picture. Feels like I was just 3 months too late to be her only positive experience. (Once married of course). I feel like that’s the salt on the wound, Like this wouldn’t be so rough if I knew all the competition was easy to beat.
The problem grew darker when I started initiating sexual impurity with her. Not all the way, but pushing to fool around. She never initiated, it was always me. And it was usually a couple hours of breaking down her walls before she would enter into sinful acts. (Again, not all the way). I felt like if I could just do stuff with her, please her, etc. I could “claim her” or something. Well who woulda thought... that definitely didn’t fix the problem in my heart lol.. everything became a competition- “was that the best? Am I the best? Am I the biggest? Do I make you the most excited?”
I, the man who the Lord used to witness to her and speak through, led her back into the same life of sin she escaped. I feel so much shame as a man. I’ve been acting like an insecure child. I have failed her, and she feels broken about not behaving as brand new- blaming herself for allowing us to go there.
We have now been on a heavy pursuit towards purity. Recognizing the Lord won’t bring any healing or blessing while we live in sin. We messed up once in the past 4 week period, so not perfect, but massive improvement considering how hard it is to shut that door once opened.
So yeah, there’s my sin on a silver platter. don’t even have an identified question to ask, this is just my current situation and wanted some insight. We’re talking about engagement by 2020, and I know that I can’t bring this garbage into a marriage, so I’m trying to find resolution. How in the world could the Lord make beauty out of this mess I’ve created? Would he ever heal, bless, and redeem this relationship? Will he renew my mind so I can see her the way the Lord does? Can I really carry my cross, die to myself, and put this pride to death?
I’m very aware I’m in the wrong. I’m very aware im the issue. So I don’t really need condemnation or to be told how awful of a man I’ve been. I already know it and I’ve been confessing it and taking it up with the Lord on my knees. I acknowledge my sin and my messed up behavior/mindset. Just need some genuine advice on how to work through this.
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