My Relationship is Crumbling and I’m the Reason Why

[Njelly77]

I made this account just to post this thread; I was hoping for some third party insight from men/women of God that aren’t directly involved in my life because it’s a humiliating story.
*WARNING: VERY MATURE TOPIC*

I was born and raised in Bible Belt Michigan and moved to San Francisco a year and a half ago for work. Ended up meeting a girl online and became friends through a texting app. Decided to meet up and I had an opportunity to witness to her. Didn’t really plan on seeing her again (after finding out we live very different life styles with her being a San Francisco party girl, and me being a church guy.) but then she messaged me saying she wanted to learn more about Jesus and wanted to know if we could meet up again to discuss. I agreed.

Very long story short- over the course of 4 months, she read the New Testament, became a Christian, got baptized, established a strong church family at a church I recommended to her, became one of the most passionate woman for God I’ve ever met, and ... drumroll please ... became my girlfriend.

I love every part of who this woman has become. Truly, every trait I’m looking for in a wide is present. The issue lies in her history; her past upsets my spirit greatly. From the beginning, her sexual past has been a struggle for me. I’m not perfectly pure myself, I’ve done stuff with exes, just not all the way. The fact she’s gone all the way with a good handful of men is a literal constant all day pain. I’m struggling to see her as made new in Christ with the putting on of a new self. And yes I’m aware of the obnoxious hypocrisy that’s going on in my mind considering I have sexual sin in my past too. I decided to date her believing that I was mature enough to handle this in a godly way and grow through it.

This struggle and pain progressed and manifested in a very dark way. I became obsessed over the topic and asked as detailed of questions as you could ever imagine. Past genital sizes, amount of physical pleasure, which positions, etc. and she answered everything I asked, striving to be open and honest with me. So I now have all these very detailed pictures burnt in my mind. And go figure, some of the answers were NOT what I wanted to hear, leading to massive self insecurities. A huge bummer is that she said all of her exes were pretty terrible sexual experiences with the exception of the man she was with 3 months before we met. Well endowed, wore magnums, fun, satisfying, you get the picture. Feels like I was just 3 months too late to be her only positive experience. (Once married of course). I feel like that’s the salt on the wound, Like this wouldn’t be so rough if I knew all the competition was easy to beat.

The problem grew darker when I started initiating sexual impurity with her. Not all the way, but pushing to fool around. She never initiated, it was always me. And it was usually a couple hours of breaking down her walls before she would enter into sinful acts. (Again, not all the way). I felt like if I could just do stuff with her, please her, etc. I could “claim her” or something. Well who woulda thought... that definitely didn’t fix the problem in my heart lol.. everything became a competition- “was that the best? Am I the best? Am I the biggest? Do I make you the most excited?”
I, the man who the Lord used to witness to her and speak through, led her back into the same life of sin she escaped. I feel so much shame as a man. I’ve been acting like an insecure child. I have failed her, and she feels broken about not behaving as brand new- blaming herself for allowing us to go there.

We have now been on a heavy pursuit towards purity. Recognizing the Lord won’t bring any healing or blessing while we live in sin. We messed up once in the past 4 week period, so not perfect, but massive improvement considering how hard it is to shut that door once opened.

So yeah, there’s my sin on a silver platter. don’t even have an identified question to ask, this is just my current situation and wanted some insight. We’re talking about engagement by 2020, and I know that I can’t bring this garbage into a marriage, so I’m trying to find resolution. How in the world could the Lord make beauty out of this mess I’ve created? Would he ever heal, bless, and redeem this relationship? Will he renew my mind so I can see her the way the Lord does? Can I really carry my cross, die to myself, and put this pride to death?

I’m very aware I’m in the wrong. I’m very aware im the issue. So I don’t really need condemnation or to be told how awful of a man I’ve been. I already know it and I’ve been confessing it and taking it up with the Lord on my knees. I acknowledge my sin and my messed up behavior/mindset. Just need some genuine advice on how to work through this.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Dude you are a making your problem much worse than it should have ever been. In Isaiah the LORD says though your sins be as scarlet they shall be made white as snow. So your relationship brought her to the Lord and then you dont forgive her past in fact you have exploited by getting horny with her. Your fears are your own insecurities about you not measuring up more than her past. You know the things that really turn a woman on are someone who cares and giver her a foot rub and shows acts of kindness and tenderness. Her past has nothing to do with that now. You need to forgive her as Jesus has completely and not be worried about who she was it is who she is now that matters.

 

[Blade]

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,"
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

What will shock you is.. as Christ stand with you before you.. what hurts is.. all you know about your self.. the sin ..all of it. As you look at Him.. He never judged you.. never condemned you.. not ONCE! We repent.. you GET UP DUST OFF and keep going. Yes we can.. seem to push or make people go the wrong path. Yet.. there is still.. they have a choice also. NO ONE forced anyone here

Its not WHAT happen.. its whats going to happen.. its NOW you focus on. Live for HIM now.. make it about HIM 1st.. her.. you last. IF we confess our sins.. He is FAITHFUL <---key word here.. and just to forgive us our sins and cleans us from all unrighteousness. So.. if you confessed.. and do a 180...not 360 .. He already forgave you. DONT let the enemy judge condemn you when your GOD already forgave you. Forgive your self and keep going.

THIS is what Christ WILL do "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion/finish until the day of Christ Jesus."

Isa 41 10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

Let go the past.. we cant change it.. we all fall we all do things .. pfft.. and then to with others.. its NOW we look at...dont let the past hold on and effect you like this.. do you feel guilty? Feel condemned? ALL are NOT from God at all.. ever. Make it right NOW..forgive your self

 

[Brightmoon]

Well if this other man was so good in bed .....why is she with you. Maybe you need to understand that it’s because you’re the better man

 

[thecolorsblend]

.

 

[Njelly77]

Question: How old is she?[/QUOTE]

Thing is, I don’t want to break up with her. I want to learn how to love her properly. All the other pieces are there. It’s just the obsession on this one topic. I don’t want it to be a deal breaker. I want to be a better man.

She’s 21. I’m 25, bit of an age gap.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

I made this account just to post this thread; I was hoping for some third party insight from men/women of God that aren’t directly involved in my life because it’s a humiliating story.
*WARNING: VERY MATURE TOPIC*

I was born and raised in Bible Belt Michigan and moved to San Francisco a year and a half ago for work. Ended up meeting a girl online and became friends through a texting app. Decided to meet up and I had an opportunity to witness to her. Didn’t really plan on seeing her again (after finding out we live very different life styles with her being a San Francisco party girl, and me being a church guy.) but then she messaged me saying she wanted to learn more about Jesus and wanted to know if we could meet up again to discuss. I agreed.

Very long story short- over the course of 4 months, she read the New Testament, became a Christian, got baptized, established a strong church family at a church I recommended to her, became one of the most passionate woman for God I’ve ever met, and ... drumroll please ... became my girlfriend.

I love every part of who this woman has become. Truly, every trait I’m looking for in a wide is present. The issue lies in her history; her past upsets my spirit greatly. From the beginning, her sexual past has been a struggle for me. I’m not perfectly pure myself, I’ve done stuff with exes, just not all the way. The fact she’s gone all the way with a good handful of men is a literal constant all day pain. I’m struggling to see her as made new in Christ with the putting on of a new self. And yes I’m aware of the obnoxious hypocrisy that’s going on in my mind considering I have sexual sin in my past too. I decided to date her believing that I was mature enough to handle this in a godly way and grow through it.

This struggle and pain progressed and manifested in a very dark way. I became obsessed over the topic and asked as detailed of questions as you could ever imagine. Past genital sizes, amount of physical pleasure, which positions, etc. and she answered everything I asked, striving to be open and honest with me. So I now have all these very detailed pictures burnt in my mind. And go figure, some of the answers were NOT what I wanted to hear, leading to massive self insecurities. A huge bummer is that she said all of her exes were pretty terrible sexual experiences with the exception of the man she was with 3 months before we met. Well endowed, wore magnums, fun, satisfying, you get the picture. Feels like I was just 3 months too late to be her only positive experience. (Once married of course). I feel like that’s the salt on the wound, Like this wouldn’t be so rough if I knew all the competition was easy to beat.

The problem grew darker when I started initiating sexual impurity with her. Not all the way, but pushing to fool around. She never initiated, it was always me. And it was usually a couple hours of breaking down her walls before she would enter into sinful acts. (Again, not all the way). I felt like if I could just do stuff with her, please her, etc. I could “claim her” or something. Well who woulda thought... that definitely didn’t fix the problem in my heart lol.. everything became a competition- “was that the best? Am I the best? Am I the biggest? Do I make you the most excited?”
I, the man who the Lord used to witness to her and speak through, led her back into the same life of sin she escaped. I feel so much shame as a man. I’ve been acting like an insecure child. I have failed her, and she feels broken about not behaving as brand new- blaming herself for allowing us to go there.

We have now been on a heavy pursuit towards purity. Recognizing the Lord won’t bring any healing or blessing while we live in sin. We messed up once in the past 4 week period, so not perfect, but massive improvement considering how hard it is to shut that door once opened.

So yeah, there’s my sin on a silver platter. don’t even have an identified question to ask, this is just my current situation and wanted some insight. We’re talking about engagement by 2020, and I know that I can’t bring this garbage into a marriage, so I’m trying to find resolution. How in the world could the Lord make beauty out of this mess I’ve created? Would he ever heal, bless, and redeem this relationship? Will he renew my mind so I can see her the way the Lord does? Can I really carry my cross, die to myself, and put this pride to death?

I’m very aware I’m in the wrong. I’m very aware im the issue. So I don’t really need condemnation or to be told how awful of a man I’ve been. I already know it and I’ve been confessing it and taking it up with the Lord on my knees. I acknowledge my sin and my messed up behavior/mindset. Just need some genuine advice on how to work through this.

1 Corinthians 7:9
But if you cannot restrain your desires, go ahead and marry—it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

 

[Jeshu]

My dear brother you need to step back and look at this relationship from a new perspective - namely build it on Christ, not on the old her and old you.

She repented and became a full fetched believer in Christ. As she died to the old and came alive in the new, so do you now need to die to the old and come to life in the new. i would make this a priority in your life

In other words operate out of your new man not your old man brother. Let go of thoughts and ideas that sting and bring disharmony who wants a relationship that is build like that?

To have a loving relationship with your partner needs to build on love, openness, honesty, forgiveness, caring, sharing and accepting difference. Lovers who build there relationship on these gifts of God endure and have a rewarding experience when it comes to marriage.

How you feel about her is up to you, you have a choice. You can choose yourself as the main focus or you can choose to die to that for her.

Always test if your love is true past 1 Corinthians 13, there it says that God's love does not remember wrong, so that is what you are after. Once you love her like that you are worthy of her, not before.

Peace

 

[Pavel Mosko]

I made this account just to post this thread; I was hoping for some third party insight from men/women of God that aren’t directly involved in my life because it’s a humiliating story.
*WARNING: VERY MATURE TOPIC*

I was born and raised in Bible Belt Michigan and moved to San Francisco a year and a half ago for work. Ended up meeting a girl online and became friends through a texting app. Decided to meet up and I had an opportunity to witness to her. Didn’t really plan on seeing her again (after finding out we live very different life styles with her being a San Francisco party girl, and me being a church guy.) but then she messaged me saying she wanted to learn more about Jesus and wanted to know if we could meet up again to discuss. I agreed.

Very long story short- over the course of 4 months, she read the New Testament, became a Christian, got baptized, established a strong church family at a church I recommended to her, became one of the most passionate woman for God I’ve ever met, and ... drumroll please ... became my girlfriend.

I love every part of who this woman has become. Truly, every trait I’m looking for in a wide is present. The issue lies in her history; her past upsets my spirit greatly. From the beginning, her sexual past has been a struggle for me. I’m not perfectly pure myself, I’ve done stuff with exes, just not all the way. The fact she’s gone all the way with a good handful of men is a literal constant all day pain. I’m struggling to see her as made new in Christ with the putting on of a new self. And yes I’m aware of the obnoxious hypocrisy that’s going on in my mind considering I have sexual sin in my past too. I decided to date her believing that I was mature enough to handle this in a godly way and grow through it.

This struggle and pain progressed and manifested in a very dark way. I became obsessed over the topic and asked as detailed of questions as you could ever imagine. Past genital sizes, amount of physical pleasure, which positions, etc. and she answered everything I asked, striving to be open and honest with me. So I now have all these very detailed pictures burnt in my mind. And go figure, some of the answers were NOT what I wanted to hear, leading to massive self insecurities. A huge bummer is that she said all of her exes were pretty terrible sexual experiences with the exception of the man she was with 3 months before we met. Well endowed, wore magnums, fun, satisfying, you get the picture. Feels like I was just 3 months too late to be her only positive experience. (Once married of course). I feel like that’s the salt on the wound, Like this wouldn’t be so rough if I knew all the competition was easy to beat.

The problem grew darker when I started initiating sexual impurity with her. Not all the way, but pushing to fool around. She never initiated, it was always me. And it was usually a couple hours of breaking down her walls before she would enter into sinful acts. (Again, not all the way). I felt like if I could just do stuff with her, please her, etc. I could “claim her” or something. Well who woulda thought... that definitely didn’t fix the problem in my heart lol.. everything became a competition- “was that the best? Am I the best? Am I the biggest? Do I make you the most excited?”
I, the man who the Lord used to witness to her and speak through, led her back into the same life of sin she escaped. I feel so much shame as a man. I’ve been acting like an insecure child. I have failed her, and she feels broken about not behaving as brand new- blaming herself for allowing us to go there.

We have now been on a heavy pursuit towards purity. Recognizing the Lord won’t bring any healing or blessing while we live in sin. We messed up once in the past 4 week period, so not perfect, but massive improvement considering how hard it is to shut that door once opened.

So yeah, there’s my sin on a silver platter. don’t even have an identified question to ask, this is just my current situation and wanted some insight. We’re talking about engagement by 2020, and I know that I can’t bring this garbage into a marriage, so I’m trying to find resolution. How in the world could the Lord make beauty out of this mess I’ve created? Would he ever heal, bless, and redeem this relationship? Will he renew my mind so I can see her the way the Lord does? Can I really carry my cross, die to myself, and put this pride to death?

I’m very aware I’m in the wrong. I’m very aware im the issue. So I don’t really need condemnation or to be told how awful of a man I’ve been. I already know it and I’ve been confessing it and taking it up with the Lord on my knees. I acknowledge my sin and my messed up behavior/mindset. Just need some genuine advice on how to work through this.

I really would keep it simple. IF you have the means I would propose to her. Assuming she says yes, then would go through so kind of marriage counseling program if one is offered in a church in your area. If not there are plenty of Christian books on Amazon or your local secular or Christian book store. Skim titles and find one that looks good. Go through the program with her that should really take a few months, 6 would be preferable. Stay chaste during that time.

At the end of that time, hopefully you have worked through your issues etc. or made some real progress on it. After that time, set a date for marriage and try to keep things as low cost as possible. There are many ways you can be married on the cheap, but without compromising enjoyment etc. Actually I found being married that way myself made it more enjoyable (because your friends and family can pitch in and host you etc. and they end up enjoying it more by getting involved. It really builds more community feeling by having a pot luck at a friend or relatives house than hiring an over priced caterer).

 

[Sketcher]

How long have you been together? And does she have women at the church who are wise, Godly, and friends?

You need to be noble with her. That means acting in her best interest. Put her faith first. Redemption of this situation starts with that.

 

[Kate30]

I made this account just to post this thread; I was hoping for some third party insight from men/women of God that aren’t directly involved in my life because it’s a humiliating story.
*WARNING: VERY MATURE TOPIC*

I was born and raised in Bible Belt Michigan and moved to San Francisco a year and a half ago for work. Ended up meeting a girl online and became friends through a texting app. Decided to meet up and I had an opportunity to witness to her. Didn’t really plan on seeing her again (after finding out we live very different life styles with her being a San Francisco party girl, and me being a church guy.) but then she messaged me saying she wanted to learn more about Jesus and wanted to know if we could meet up again to discuss. I agreed.

Very long story short- over the course of 4 months, she read the New Testament, became a Christian, got baptized, established a strong church family at a church I recommended to her, became one of the most passionate woman for God I’ve ever met, and ... drumroll please ... became my girlfriend.

I love every part of who this woman has become. Truly, every trait I’m looking for in a wide is present. The issue lies in her history; her past upsets my spirit greatly. From the beginning, her sexual past has been a struggle for me. I’m not perfectly pure myself, I’ve done stuff with exes, just not all the way. The fact she’s gone all the way with a good handful of men is a literal constant all day pain. I’m struggling to see her as made new in Christ with the putting on of a new self. And yes I’m aware of the obnoxious hypocrisy that’s going on in my mind considering I have sexual sin in my past too. I decided to date her believing that I was mature enough to handle this in a godly way and grow through it.

This struggle and pain progressed and manifested in a very dark way. I became obsessed over the topic and asked as detailed of questions as you could ever imagine. Past genital sizes, amount of physical pleasure, which positions, etc. and she answered everything I asked, striving to be open and honest with me. So I now have all these very detailed pictures burnt in my mind. And go figure, some of the answers were NOT what I wanted to hear, leading to massive self insecurities. A huge bummer is that she said all of her exes were pretty terrible sexual experiences with the exception of the man she was with 3 months before we met. Well endowed, wore magnums, fun, satisfying, you get the picture. Feels like I was just 3 months too late to be her only positive experience. (Once married of course). I feel like that’s the salt on the wound, Like this wouldn’t be so rough if I knew all the competition was easy to beat.

The problem grew darker when I started initiating sexual impurity with her. Not all the way, but pushing to fool around. She never initiated, it was always me. And it was usually a couple hours of breaking down her walls before she would enter into sinful acts. (Again, not all the way). I felt like if I could just do stuff with her, please her, etc. I could “claim her” or something. Well who woulda thought... that definitely didn’t fix the problem in my heart lol.. everything became a competition- “was that the best? Am I the best? Am I the biggest? Do I make you the most excited?”
I, the man who the Lord used to witness to her and speak through, led her back into the same life of sin she escaped. I feel so much shame as a man. I’ve been acting like an insecure child. I have failed her, and she feels broken about not behaving as brand new- blaming herself for allowing us to go there.

We have now been on a heavy pursuit towards purity. Recognizing the Lord won’t bring any healing or blessing while we live in sin. We messed up once in the past 4 week period, so not perfect, but massive improvement considering how hard it is to shut that door once opened.

So yeah, there’s my sin on a silver platter. don’t even have an identified question to ask, this is just my current situation and wanted some insight. We’re talking about engagement by 2020, and I know that I can’t bring this garbage into a marriage, so I’m trying to find resolution. How in the world could the Lord make beauty out of this mess I’ve created? Would he ever heal, bless, and redeem this relationship? Will he renew my mind so I can see her the way the Lord does? Can I really carry my cross, die to myself, and put this pride to death?

I’m very aware I’m in the wrong. I’m very aware im the issue. So I don’t really need condemnation or to be told how awful of a man I’ve been. I already know it and I’ve been confessing it and taking it up with the Lord on my knees. I acknowledge my sin and my messed up behavior/mindset. Just need some genuine advice on how to work through this.

Njelly I do see so many problems. You have brought this lady to the saving knowledge of Lord and than went on to have sexual relations outside the bonds of marriage whilst going to church. You have also fulfilled your own sexual desires and fantasies after learning of her past. You really have to evaluate if it is really love that you have found or purely the gratification of your own sexual pleasure. As to marriage i think that may not be wise for you both. I think you both need to search out and examine your relationship with God and the Christian life some more. Deep down you know this too.