- Sep 13, 2021
- 5
- 4
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
I’ve only recently found this site and have found the stories, transparency, advice, and encouragement here to be incredibly validating, inspiring, and comforting knowing that I’m not alone in my struggle with OCD. So I wanted to share my story with OCD in case even one person reads it and can relate to aspects of it and find some of the comfort I’ve received knowing they aren’t alone.
My first recollection of OCD was when I was in middle school (about 20 years ago) and my family and I were on vacation on a cruise ship. In the middle of the night, when everyone else were fast asleep in our cabin, I was still awake and a thought flew into my mind out of nowhere. It was, “You are a demon.” It totally shook me to the core and I started freaking out (quietly though because at the same time I didn’t want to wake everyone up). I had no idea why I had that thought and I was completely disturbed and confused by it. Eventually I calmed down and fell asleep.
Over the following years I started having more intrusive thoughts revolving around my spiritual identity and destiny. The thoughts became more relentless and intense, accusing me of things like committing the unpardonable sin, or threatened I would lose my soul if I did or didn’t do a certain action (some actions were reoccurring but most of them were random), or that I would become evil (like I would turn into a demon or the devil or the antichrist) if I did or didn’t do a certain action, or that I wasn’t actually saved, or that every thought I had was from the devil or the antichrist so I couldn’t trust any thought I had, or stating that I was actually the devil or a demon or the antichrist. This resulted in me doing all sorts of external and mental compulsions to alleviate the anxiety and fear by trying to reject and resist the thoughts.
In high school I hit rock bottom one day and I went and tried to explain to my parents what was going on. They were supportive but had no idea what was wrong with me, and neither did I. They took me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with OCD (specifically with scrupulosity). Shortly after that it was as if the OCD exploded and it got crazy intense, so much so I spent my spring break as an out patient at a psych ward. I saw multiple therapists and went on medication.
Eventually it subsided to a manageable amount, like a low simmer. In college it blew up again and after graduating it got intense a number of times, including recently, in which I’m currently in the midst of another huge storm again.
The intrusive thoughts currently (some of which I mentioned previously) are so distracting and the fear is so intense. It’s so hard being present in the moment and trying to do my best being a husband and a dad to our three year old, and doing well at work. My wife and parents are very supportive, which is huge, but it’s still isolating because there isn’t anything anyone can do to take away the thoughts or fears.
However, through it all, the biggest blessing in all of this is that my relationship with God has grown exponentially as a result of turning to Him for help and hope. I have experienced first-hand God’s provision of peace and comfort over the years and He has guided me to His promises in His Word and helped me understand them more and take them to heart. Although I know I struggle with trusting in God (which He is helping me overcome), I know deep in my spirit that I can truly trust in Him with my entire being and that He will take care of me. This battle with OCD in a way is forcing me to either be in debilitating despair from fear or fight OCD by not fighting it directly myself (like trying to take control by ruminating in an effort to find reassurance that everything is okay) but rather keeping my mind and eyes on Jesus in faith and let Him fight this battle for me. It’s a slow and difficult journey, but past the pain I’ve experienced and am currently experiencing I can see how I’m being strengthened and growing closer to the Lord through faith.
A while back I was hit hard with an intrusive thought that sent me into such a spiral of anxiety that I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. However, in the thick of the attack I got out my phone and began writing a note to myself for encouragement. I don't normally do that and I haven't since, and I believe God was helping me write it, as if He was using it to provide the encouragement to me. Here's part of that note, I hope it can provide others some encouragement as it did for me:
“Stick to truth, even in the midst of this complete confusion. Keep pressing on. Don't listen to the lies. Hold on to Truth, to God's promises, no matter what. No matter how loud the lies are, no matter how convincing they may seem, no matter how anxious and scared I get - hold on to Christ. Remember that Christ is deeper than anything, He's the Alpha and the Omega, He's at the core of who I am, He made me into a new creation. I am in Him and He is in me. If the devil wants to get to me he has to go through Jesus. Remember that. I'm secure in Jesus. God Himself is protecting me. Don't be surprised by this trial, it's nothing new, it's just another lie and scheme from the devil, it's all a part of the battle. Nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, be thankful for this trial because it is going to make me stronger. Keep praying, looking to Jesus for help. Trust God and believe in Him. Be patient and endure through this; don't panic, but keep your eyes on Christ and wait for Him to bring His peace. Be hopeful, trusting in God's faithfulness and steadfast love. Be strong and courageous, fight the good fight of the faith, always holding up the shield of faith; for God will fight for me, I only need to be silent. Stand firm in Truth, not allowing the devil to push me around with lies and deception. Fear not and don't be dismayed, for God is with me and He is my God; He will strengthen me, He will help me, and He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. Keep walking by faith, not by emotions. Be joyful, because Jesus, who is in me, is greater than he who is in the world. Rejoice, because Jesus is Lord and is coming back one day!”
My first recollection of OCD was when I was in middle school (about 20 years ago) and my family and I were on vacation on a cruise ship. In the middle of the night, when everyone else were fast asleep in our cabin, I was still awake and a thought flew into my mind out of nowhere. It was, “You are a demon.” It totally shook me to the core and I started freaking out (quietly though because at the same time I didn’t want to wake everyone up). I had no idea why I had that thought and I was completely disturbed and confused by it. Eventually I calmed down and fell asleep.
Over the following years I started having more intrusive thoughts revolving around my spiritual identity and destiny. The thoughts became more relentless and intense, accusing me of things like committing the unpardonable sin, or threatened I would lose my soul if I did or didn’t do a certain action (some actions were reoccurring but most of them were random), or that I would become evil (like I would turn into a demon or the devil or the antichrist) if I did or didn’t do a certain action, or that I wasn’t actually saved, or that every thought I had was from the devil or the antichrist so I couldn’t trust any thought I had, or stating that I was actually the devil or a demon or the antichrist. This resulted in me doing all sorts of external and mental compulsions to alleviate the anxiety and fear by trying to reject and resist the thoughts.
In high school I hit rock bottom one day and I went and tried to explain to my parents what was going on. They were supportive but had no idea what was wrong with me, and neither did I. They took me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with OCD (specifically with scrupulosity). Shortly after that it was as if the OCD exploded and it got crazy intense, so much so I spent my spring break as an out patient at a psych ward. I saw multiple therapists and went on medication.
Eventually it subsided to a manageable amount, like a low simmer. In college it blew up again and after graduating it got intense a number of times, including recently, in which I’m currently in the midst of another huge storm again.
The intrusive thoughts currently (some of which I mentioned previously) are so distracting and the fear is so intense. It’s so hard being present in the moment and trying to do my best being a husband and a dad to our three year old, and doing well at work. My wife and parents are very supportive, which is huge, but it’s still isolating because there isn’t anything anyone can do to take away the thoughts or fears.
However, through it all, the biggest blessing in all of this is that my relationship with God has grown exponentially as a result of turning to Him for help and hope. I have experienced first-hand God’s provision of peace and comfort over the years and He has guided me to His promises in His Word and helped me understand them more and take them to heart. Although I know I struggle with trusting in God (which He is helping me overcome), I know deep in my spirit that I can truly trust in Him with my entire being and that He will take care of me. This battle with OCD in a way is forcing me to either be in debilitating despair from fear or fight OCD by not fighting it directly myself (like trying to take control by ruminating in an effort to find reassurance that everything is okay) but rather keeping my mind and eyes on Jesus in faith and let Him fight this battle for me. It’s a slow and difficult journey, but past the pain I’ve experienced and am currently experiencing I can see how I’m being strengthened and growing closer to the Lord through faith.
A while back I was hit hard with an intrusive thought that sent me into such a spiral of anxiety that I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. However, in the thick of the attack I got out my phone and began writing a note to myself for encouragement. I don't normally do that and I haven't since, and I believe God was helping me write it, as if He was using it to provide the encouragement to me. Here's part of that note, I hope it can provide others some encouragement as it did for me:
“Stick to truth, even in the midst of this complete confusion. Keep pressing on. Don't listen to the lies. Hold on to Truth, to God's promises, no matter what. No matter how loud the lies are, no matter how convincing they may seem, no matter how anxious and scared I get - hold on to Christ. Remember that Christ is deeper than anything, He's the Alpha and the Omega, He's at the core of who I am, He made me into a new creation. I am in Him and He is in me. If the devil wants to get to me he has to go through Jesus. Remember that. I'm secure in Jesus. God Himself is protecting me. Don't be surprised by this trial, it's nothing new, it's just another lie and scheme from the devil, it's all a part of the battle. Nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, be thankful for this trial because it is going to make me stronger. Keep praying, looking to Jesus for help. Trust God and believe in Him. Be patient and endure through this; don't panic, but keep your eyes on Christ and wait for Him to bring His peace. Be hopeful, trusting in God's faithfulness and steadfast love. Be strong and courageous, fight the good fight of the faith, always holding up the shield of faith; for God will fight for me, I only need to be silent. Stand firm in Truth, not allowing the devil to push me around with lies and deception. Fear not and don't be dismayed, for God is with me and He is my God; He will strengthen me, He will help me, and He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. Keep walking by faith, not by emotions. Be joyful, because Jesus, who is in me, is greater than he who is in the world. Rejoice, because Jesus is Lord and is coming back one day!”
