my mother a widow

[dogs4thewin]

First I posted this in the widow forum, but I wondered if it would "do better" here.

My mom has been a widow for nearly five years after a 30 year marriage. Right now she is talking about getting a man ( but I cannot tell how serious she is being. What should I do? ( I am disabled so still live with her I have not said ( partly because I cannot tell if she is being serious or not, but just how I feel about a possible step-father. ( if it does happen I do not know. I do not know how I feel about a new "dad" who you know he knows and I know will just never be dad. What should I do if it does turn out she wishes to remarry? How do I warm up to someone new ( again may not be an issue).

I have an aunt whose mother got remarried when she was an adult. I am thinking of asking her ( even though she had her own children and did not live with her mother at the time ( nor had she in quite a while, but I do not want mom to know if I speak with her concerning this topic which means I do not know when I could do it ( as it is personal and therefore asking at work would be bordering on unacceptable.

Any ideas on this first part? I thought I would not have a problem with it, but now that I cannot even decide how serious she is I do not really know how I feel.

 

[Lady Donna Marie]

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[splish- splash]

First I posted this in the widow forum, but I wondered if it would "do better" here.

My mom has been a widow for nearly five years after a 30 year marriage. Right now she is talking about getting a man ( but I cannot tell how serious she is being. What should I do? ( I am disabled so still live with her I have not said ( partly because I cannot tell if she is being serious or not, but just how I feel about a possible step-father. ( if it does happen I do not know. I do not know how I feel about a new "dad" who you know he knows and I know will just never be dad. What should I do if it does turn out she wishes to remarry? How do I warm up to someone new ( again may not be an issue).

I have an aunt whose mother got remarried when she was an adult. I am thinking of asking her ( even though she had her own children and did not live with her mother at the time ( nor had she in quite a while, but I do not want mom to know if I speak with her concerning this topic which means I do not know when I could do it ( as it is personal and therefore asking at work would be bordering on unacceptable.

Any ideas on this first part? I thought I would not have a problem with it, but now that I cannot even decide how serious she is I do not really know how I feel.

The Lord wants you to trust in Him with all your heart. By so doing, He will then give Mum a good husband who will love you with the love of God.

 

[pdudgeon]

If she's talking about it, that probably means that she is open to the idea, and she wants to know your feelings.
So, that said, you should think about the things that you used to enjoy doing with your dad, and talk about that with your Mom.

You could say something like, "Do you remember when we did ______ with Dad? I would like to be able to do that again." That's the idea of tying your past and your future together as a family.

And then talk with her about your own future, the things you wonder about, or that you would like a dad's help with, and tell her that too. That's called getting help with transitioning from being a child to becoming as independent as you can be as an adult, and getting help in getting there.

And just so you know, these are very common problems for everyone who is creating a new family.

 

[Joined2krist]

Pray for your mum to get a good husband, you will be okay if she marries a good man. God bless u

 

[dogs4thewin]

If she's talking about it, that probably means that she is open to the idea, and she wants to know your feelings.
So, that said, you should think about the things that you used to enjoy doing with your dad, and talk about that with your Mom.

You could say something like, "Do you remember when we did ______ with Dad? I would like to be able to do that again." That's the idea of tying your past and your future together as a family.

And then talk with her about your own future, the things you wonder about, or that you would like a dad's help with, and tell her that too. That's called getting help with transitioning from being a child to becoming as independent as you can be as an adult, and getting help in getting there.

And just so you know, these are very common problems for everyone who is creating a new family.

See that is the thing she says she wants someone to take her out and the like, but has also stated in no uncertain terms that she does not wish to literally sleep with someone in the same bed ( not referring to sleeping with someone in a sexual way for intercourse, but just the literal act of sharing a bed at night, and while plenty of couples do this I am not sure how reasonably it is to expect that someone would agree not to sleep with you for no other reason than that you have just gotten used to sleeping alone in a queen sized bed. That is really one of the main reasons that I cannot tell how serious she is being.

 

[com7fy8]

I do not know how I feel about a new "dad" who you know he knows and I know will just never be dad.

Well, there are people who feel they never can have love, again . . . after a divorce or death. But God blesses them with someone, and they are well surprised. This can happen.

So, like this, her selection could turn out to be like a father to you.

If you ask your aunt, her experience might not represent how God will act in your case. Someone else perhaps did not have a good experience, but this does not at all decide what God will do with your mother and you.

What matters, among other things, is how reliable your mother is at making sure with God.

 

[pdudgeon]

See that is the thing she says she wants someone to take her out and the like, but has also stated in no uncertain terms that she does not wish to literally sleep with someone in the same bed ( not referring to sleeping with someone in a sexual way for intercourse, but just the literal act of sharing a bed at night, and while plenty of couples do this I am not sure how reasonably it is to expect that someone would agree not to sleep with you for no other reason than that you have just gotten used to sleeping alone in a queen sized bed. That is really one of the main reasons that I cannot tell how serious she is being.

well, that's interesting. It sounds like she's gotten to the stage of being interested in going out and being entertained on a fun, platonic, first date. And she hasn't gotten past that stage yet.
So she wants a nice, kind, safe guy to maybe be casual "safe" friends with. But she's not yet ready to move on to the next step, or being open to a one-on-one relationship yet.
So she's most likely at the very first step of admitting to herself that there might be another, different life waiting for her besides being a widow for the rest of her life.
That's an idea that takes getting used to, and it also takes lots of guts to face, because it also opens her up to both joy and pain.

If I were sitting down and talking to both of you, I would say "Take it slow and easy, small step by small step." And as flattering as it is to think that someone else finds her interesting, this is something to think about first, before jumping right into the dating scene again.

Being a widow is painful, but it's also safe because you have both time and space to decide what's next in life, or what kind of life she is looking for, or even if she is ready for life again.
All three of those are very good questions indeed, and they deserve to be deeply considered.

 

[SheWrote]

First I posted this in the widow forum, but I wondered if it would "do better" here.

My mom has been a widow for nearly five years after a 30 year marriage. Right now she is talking about getting a man ( but I cannot tell how serious she is being. What should I do? ( I am disabled so still live with her I have not said ( partly because I cannot tell if she is being serious or not, but just how I feel about a possible step-father. ( if it does happen I do not know. I do not know how I feel about a new "dad" who you know he knows and I know will just never be dad. What should I do if it does turn out she wishes to remarry? How do I warm up to someone new ( again may not be an issue).

I have an aunt whose mother got remarried when she was an adult. I am thinking of asking her ( even though she had her own children and did not live with her mother at the time ( nor had she in quite a while, but I do not want mom to know if I speak with her concerning this topic which means I do not know when I could do it ( as it is personal and therefore asking at work would be bordering on unacceptable.

Any ideas on this first part? I thought I would not have a problem with it, but now that I cannot even decide how serious she is I do not really know how I feel.

My dad remarried after my mom died. Yes it was hard, and my stepmom has never been a replacement for my mom for me. But, she has been a great companion for my dad. My mom and dad were married for 33 years, so my dad would have had a really hard time had he not met my stepmom. Your mom deserves to be happy. And you will get through it. It might even be this new amazing person in your life! HUGS!

 

[Rebecca Catchpole]

Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts about your mom. I hear you. I would feel the same thing if I was in your shoe.

It would be good to talk to your Mother and find out how she is really feeling about getting a man. Also share with your feelings with her too. That’s the only answer you will get from her instead of wondering about her. Talking to your aunt would be good and getting the support from her too.

God has a plan for both of you. He will use people to help you. You and your mother are in my prayers.

 

[dogs4thewin]

She said she was just looking at the names of dating apps, but has yet to put her picture on one. Unless my mom has suddenly become like me ( I love to look things up for the heck of it, but usually when people are looking at dating apps ( especially when they are single there is usually a reason. First she stated she did not want to get remarried ever. In the past maybe two years she has said she is open to it, but not really looking what happens happens and now she is looking at the names of dating apps there may be a progression going on here.

 

[Rebecca Catchpole]

Thank you for your response. I understand what you are saying. Dating apps have some risks and need to be careful when going online dating. I’m speaking it from my experience. Men lied about their age, looks etc on their dating app. It’s a big turn off. It’s very difficult to trust someone out in the world. It’s good for her to check it out and show that she’s exploring the possibly to date and eventually remarried. There are some good dating apps but need to be cautious when using it. Is she active going to church? Does she have any kind of social event or activity that she normally go to? Reason I am asking is dating app isn’t the only option. There are other ways for her to meet others perhap like church, card game etc.

It’s usually friends that connects someone and start dating. It’s the trust that is the key. I pray for the Lord give her wisdom and guidance when using the dating apps. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care.

 

[mama2one]

sorry for your loss @dogs4thewin


she is probably just "talking/wishing" plus missing her husband

if she really does want companionship, see if there are any widow/widower groups in any churches in your area

wouldn't worry now
wait & see if she finds someone & gets engaged

 

[dogs4thewin]

Thank you for your response. I understand what you are saying. Dating apps have some risks and need to be careful when going online dating. I’m speaking it from my experience. Men lied about their age, looks etc on their dating app. It’s a big turn off. It’s very difficult to trust someone out in the world. It’s good for her to check it out and show that she’s exploring the possibly to date and eventually remarried. There are some good dating apps but need to be cautious when using it. Is she active going to church? Does she have any kind of social event or activity that she normally go to? Reason I am asking is dating app isn’t the only option. There are other ways for her to meet others perhap like church, card game etc.

It’s usually friends that connects someone and start dating. It’s the trust that is the key. I pray for the Lord give her wisdom and guidance when using the dating apps. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care.

She does go to church, but this is a rural community. While our church is growing there are a few surnames that if you say Mr. or Mrs. you better be prepared to give a first name else twenty people will look at you She also attended a small private school as in sixteen people in her graduating class small, so this is not the type of community where there are a whole lot of social type events

 

[dogs4thewin]

sorry for your loss @dogs4thewin


she is probably just "talking/wishing" plus missing her husband

if she really does want companionship, see if there are any widow/widower groups in any churches in your area

wouldn't worry now
wait & see if she finds someone & gets engaged

We go to a group that is mostly widows that was at first a grief support group and some of the women chose to keep meeting. We meet once a month and go out to eat.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Can't expect mom to stay alone
if that's not what she wants.
Pray for the best for all concerned.
M-Bob

 

[dogs4thewin]

Can't expect mom to stay alone
if that's not what she wants.
Pray for the best for all concerned.
M-Bob

I think I would like it better if she would either confirm or deny her desire. At least if I knew someone else may be coming in I could be prepared. I mean she was young ( 50) when he passed away so I get that, and as my aunt pointed out ( a different one than mentioned above). she is not going to meet someone today and marry tomorrow or anything Yesterday, she mentioned going with this guy R from church and our community he just turned 79 last week, so I am almost certain that that one was just blowing air ( because frankly I do not know he would be interested either. It is comments like that that make me wonder which it is Context on that was we were driving home from church/lunch went by his house discussing some things and his wife ( he no longer has was brought up in particular context, so it was not like she just out of the blue said I could go out with him or anything.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

You do plan on moving out on your own someday
right?
M

 

[dogs4thewin]

You do plan on moving out on your own someday
right?
M

I have CP and therefore even if I do move out I would still have to pay someone to come because there is no way I could maintain myself. As in I need help with several daily or near daily tasks such as showering, dressing, cooking and driving. Some of those I may could get better and be more independent some of those I do not have the balance, nor the eye sight nor the fine motor skills to do.

 

[Rebecca Catchpole]

Hello, I read some of your messages recently. I understand what you are saying. God has a plan for your mother and yourself too. It’s important that you two keep communicating and find out her desire. It’s good that she get out and go to church and other support group. She needs to have the support.

I see that you have CP. I’m a personal caregiver for a disabled person. So I have the experiences caring for people who needs help with daily showering, making the bed, do laundry, companionship, and so on.

I’m here for you. Continue praying for you and your mother. Keep trusting in the Lord.