I'm a few months away from my 30th birthday (surreal). Yet I feel like I’m in a life crises. I’m not happy with my life as I am stuck rather than moving forward. Overall, I've been at a crossroads
Lately as 1) I want to do a PhD, 2) I need a job, 3) I want to move out, and 4) I’m looking for a church . Allow me to explain: Last year I graduated from seminary with MDiv yet I haven't been able to find work. However, I'd like to do my PhD. I feel like it's the perfect time to do it as I'm still young, and no wife/kids. However I'm have a 100k loan and still live with my parents. And with not having a job, it has been difficult to consider this next step in my life. M
Nevertheless, I looked into the PhD program and fortunately, annual stipends are given to all students and then some (i.e payment for doing teaching assistants). In other words, they pay you to study so you don't have to! Moreover, an optional 1 year Masters in theology (ThM) program is available to better prepare you for your PhD dissertation. However, the ThM doesn't include a stipend. Plus, I have to learn a new language or 2 in order to even get into the PhD program. It's about 3-5 years, depends on your pace. I definitely wanna do it and finish ASAP.
At the same time, many fears, questions and doubts plague my mind because it's overwhelming..
Will I be able to land a job post PhD ? (I thought of becoming a full time professor). But it’s competitive in terms of finding one as everyone is applying.
Plus I regret not going away to college when I was 18, as I probably would have gained more independence. But back then, I barely graduated high school and was on academic probation in my freshman year of college. I know I can’t change the past but again, I would’ve moved away. I’m just extremely restless in moving out at this point but with no job, I’m stuck….
Since being unemployed, I’ve had a myriad of job rejections, bad new job experiences that ended quickly, and cold feet when some opportunities were presented. I tend to have this fear of failure and inferiority.That aside, my health has been rocky this year so I haven't been able to do much for a time but I’m back now.
I also wish I had cultivated more job experience as mine’s is minimal. Should’ve divided my time between work/school rather than just focus on school. I feel like an idiot for not doing so. Such a pain to land a job!
So why the PhD?
I definitely would love to teach within a seminary but also in the church. I would also love to teach/preach within a church, bridging the gap between church and seminary. Church needs proper discipleship in the Word of God and theology in their walks in Christ. Majority of the time, people are biblically illiterate and theologically deficient as most of today’s preachers water down the message. And it is my burning desire, to equip those wanting to enter ministry and those in the congregation.
I have come to enjoy teaching with the experiences I amassed throughout the years such as Sunday school, small groups, and ESL. Plus with comments about how I can teach. It’s no doubt that it’s a gift that God has provided. I also see it in preaching as well.
It's crazy as to how many confirmations I've had since January about the school I would like to attend. For instance, seeing the name of the school everywhere from stickers to cars, books , papers, and so forth. But then again, perhaps it’s just me as it was a fervent desire. Sometimes our own minds play tricks on us. I haven’t had confirmations lately as opposed to earlier this year. But again, no job. Things just seem out of reach.
Despite my desire for PhD, it has also been a burden/thorn in my side as I still need to make money. It definitely takes my focus off everything else. For instance, I could be doing other things now and make money but if I go back to school next year, I would be limited in doing so. On the flip side, I wouldn’t know what to do with my life if I don’t do it. It’s difficult finding a job as it is and I’m sick and tired of sitting around… Plus it’s best to do it while you’re young as you can start your career sooner. But I still wanna move out. Nevertheless, I’m between a rock and a hard place. No matter what I try to do, I always find myself back to square one.
Church
Lastly, I’m seeking a church. Been becoming reformed but with a continuationist perspective. However, it's been hard as mainly continuationists lean towards extreme charismatic which I do not affiliate myself with. And many reformed churches are cessationists. I’d also appreciate a church that does expository preaching! Been in churches where the Word is not preach, defaulting to bad theology/falsehood instead. Not only would I want to congregate but I would want to cultivate ministry experience such as teaching/preaching. But that too has been difficult to find. Again, I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Questions to consider
It’s not been an easy journey for me. I do not like being stuck when everyone else is seemingly ahead of me. As if I lack the capacity to carry things out or to get anywhere in life. I feel like I've been in this rut since last year and I would hate if I’m in the same place next year. I’m trying to be as positive/optimistic as possible. But some days (like today) I’m discouraged. Such is my life at the moment.. I’m lost.
A lot to chew on here. But thanks to those who read and respond to this post. God bless you.
Lately as 1) I want to do a PhD, 2) I need a job, 3) I want to move out, and 4) I’m looking for a church . Allow me to explain: Last year I graduated from seminary with MDiv yet I haven't been able to find work. However, I'd like to do my PhD. I feel like it's the perfect time to do it as I'm still young, and no wife/kids. However I'm have a 100k loan and still live with my parents. And with not having a job, it has been difficult to consider this next step in my life. M
Nevertheless, I looked into the PhD program and fortunately, annual stipends are given to all students and then some (i.e payment for doing teaching assistants). In other words, they pay you to study so you don't have to! Moreover, an optional 1 year Masters in theology (ThM) program is available to better prepare you for your PhD dissertation. However, the ThM doesn't include a stipend. Plus, I have to learn a new language or 2 in order to even get into the PhD program. It's about 3-5 years, depends on your pace. I definitely wanna do it and finish ASAP.
At the same time, many fears, questions and doubts plague my mind because it's overwhelming..
Will I be able to land a job post PhD ? (I thought of becoming a full time professor). But it’s competitive in terms of finding one as everyone is applying.
Plus I regret not going away to college when I was 18, as I probably would have gained more independence. But back then, I barely graduated high school and was on academic probation in my freshman year of college. I know I can’t change the past but again, I would’ve moved away. I’m just extremely restless in moving out at this point but with no job, I’m stuck….
Since being unemployed, I’ve had a myriad of job rejections, bad new job experiences that ended quickly, and cold feet when some opportunities were presented. I tend to have this fear of failure and inferiority.That aside, my health has been rocky this year so I haven't been able to do much for a time but I’m back now.
I also wish I had cultivated more job experience as mine’s is minimal. Should’ve divided my time between work/school rather than just focus on school. I feel like an idiot for not doing so. Such a pain to land a job!
So why the PhD?
I definitely would love to teach within a seminary but also in the church. I would also love to teach/preach within a church, bridging the gap between church and seminary. Church needs proper discipleship in the Word of God and theology in their walks in Christ. Majority of the time, people are biblically illiterate and theologically deficient as most of today’s preachers water down the message. And it is my burning desire, to equip those wanting to enter ministry and those in the congregation.
I have come to enjoy teaching with the experiences I amassed throughout the years such as Sunday school, small groups, and ESL. Plus with comments about how I can teach. It’s no doubt that it’s a gift that God has provided. I also see it in preaching as well.
It's crazy as to how many confirmations I've had since January about the school I would like to attend. For instance, seeing the name of the school everywhere from stickers to cars, books , papers, and so forth. But then again, perhaps it’s just me as it was a fervent desire. Sometimes our own minds play tricks on us. I haven’t had confirmations lately as opposed to earlier this year. But again, no job. Things just seem out of reach.
Despite my desire for PhD, it has also been a burden/thorn in my side as I still need to make money. It definitely takes my focus off everything else. For instance, I could be doing other things now and make money but if I go back to school next year, I would be limited in doing so. On the flip side, I wouldn’t know what to do with my life if I don’t do it. It’s difficult finding a job as it is and I’m sick and tired of sitting around… Plus it’s best to do it while you’re young as you can start your career sooner. But I still wanna move out. Nevertheless, I’m between a rock and a hard place. No matter what I try to do, I always find myself back to square one.
Church
Lastly, I’m seeking a church. Been becoming reformed but with a continuationist perspective. However, it's been hard as mainly continuationists lean towards extreme charismatic which I do not affiliate myself with. And many reformed churches are cessationists. I’d also appreciate a church that does expository preaching! Been in churches where the Word is not preach, defaulting to bad theology/falsehood instead. Not only would I want to congregate but I would want to cultivate ministry experience such as teaching/preaching. But that too has been difficult to find. Again, I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Questions to consider
- If you got a PhD and how'd you handle it ?(especially if you were in the same situation as me)
Or if you know someone with a PhD , how’d they handle it?
- If you were in my shoes, what would you do and why? I’d appreciate the input. Even if you didn’t get a PhD
- Can you please keep me in prayer regarding all this? I have been restless for quite some time.
It’s not been an easy journey for me. I do not like being stuck when everyone else is seemingly ahead of me. As if I lack the capacity to carry things out or to get anywhere in life. I feel like I've been in this rut since last year and I would hate if I’m in the same place next year. I’m trying to be as positive/optimistic as possible. But some days (like today) I’m discouraged. Such is my life at the moment.. I’m lost.
A lot to chew on here. But thanks to those who read and respond to this post. God bless you.
