Last night and today have seen more repeated attempts on my part to be saved. This morning, after one of them, in which I temporarily thought I was saved, I called a Christian friend and let him know. Now, he said he knew someone who has doubted their salvation for years, who finally came to the conclusion he was saved, but just had to keep making sure that he was making Jesus lord of his life. I said, that's similar to what just happened with me. Starting yesterday, I was concerning myself with walking not in the flesh, but in the Spirit. The attempt to do this led to repeated conclusions I am not saved. But, I told him, I was sure I was saved now, and just had to commit to making sure I'm walking in the Spirit. After that phone call, I decided to do a set of prayers. In the middle of those prayers, I became befuddled again about knowing whether I was walking in the Spirit, not in the flesh. Afterward, I became even more befuddled about that, as I contemplated what to do next. Two or three times, I came up with a plan to take care of some duties/tasks that were waiting to be done. But I would start to move on that, then wonder about the Spirit vs. the flesh thing again. I realized I could not tell the difference between walking in the flesh and walking in the Spirit. This then led me to doubt I'm saved. At one point, I started again to commit to carrying out some of those tasks, then immediately thought, "What if I am doing these tasks, while not saved?" Salvation at the moment is more important than any task at the moment.
On another website about OCD and salvation, I found the following. I can totally relate to this woman:
"i think i may have scrupulosity but I also fear that in truly not saved. I have given up. my “walk” with God has been failure after failure. in 2011 when I asked to be saved after hearing the gospel, i tried to move forward and live for God. out of nowhere I started doubting God’s existence, then the crucifixion of Christ and the resurrection. after those doubts faded I started having intrusive thoughts which I didn’t know where intrusive at the time. then I started questioning if I was really saved and i had numerous triggers for that in my life, such as a friend who was in the church of Christ and believed that was the only true church and all other denominations were false and will go to help. I had my own sins and failures, fear of witnessing to others about the gospel, lack of,the inner witness of the Holy Spirit, lacking the fruit of the Spirit that I saw in other christians. I eventually went into a severe depression with suicidal ideation. my “walk” with God has been falling, getting back up, then the doubts of if im saved return, i worry about my behavior, lack of growth, and,I fall into depression. the,cycle has repeated itself. im at the point where I have given up. the bible says that a true believer will continue in the faith. I guess I see that im not a true beliver. i see no heart change, its like im trying to live for God in my own strength. I honestly feel like it’s not worth it, ive been reaching out to God since 2011, and have only experienced his silence, depression, being misunderstood.,its not worth fighting for, i hate my life, i hate who I am. I don’t know if I have scrupulosity or if God has allowed me to keep failing to show me I really don’t belong to Him. I’ve done all I could by asking to be saved every day, multiple times, asking for more faith, being honest with God and telling him everything I wrote here. there’s nothing I can do except have faith, but Im afraid. I dont want to tell my self in saved when Im really not"
She and other OCD people write things like this, and I feel I'm in their shoes!
On another website about OCD and salvation, I found the following. I can totally relate to this woman:
"i think i may have scrupulosity but I also fear that in truly not saved. I have given up. my “walk” with God has been failure after failure. in 2011 when I asked to be saved after hearing the gospel, i tried to move forward and live for God. out of nowhere I started doubting God’s existence, then the crucifixion of Christ and the resurrection. after those doubts faded I started having intrusive thoughts which I didn’t know where intrusive at the time. then I started questioning if I was really saved and i had numerous triggers for that in my life, such as a friend who was in the church of Christ and believed that was the only true church and all other denominations were false and will go to help. I had my own sins and failures, fear of witnessing to others about the gospel, lack of,the inner witness of the Holy Spirit, lacking the fruit of the Spirit that I saw in other christians. I eventually went into a severe depression with suicidal ideation. my “walk” with God has been falling, getting back up, then the doubts of if im saved return, i worry about my behavior, lack of growth, and,I fall into depression. the,cycle has repeated itself. im at the point where I have given up. the bible says that a true believer will continue in the faith. I guess I see that im not a true beliver. i see no heart change, its like im trying to live for God in my own strength. I honestly feel like it’s not worth it, ive been reaching out to God since 2011, and have only experienced his silence, depression, being misunderstood.,its not worth fighting for, i hate my life, i hate who I am. I don’t know if I have scrupulosity or if God has allowed me to keep failing to show me I really don’t belong to Him. I’ve done all I could by asking to be saved every day, multiple times, asking for more faith, being honest with God and telling him everything I wrote here. there’s nothing I can do except have faith, but Im afraid. I dont want to tell my self in saved when Im really not"
She and other OCD people write things like this, and I feel I'm in their shoes!
