My husband says everything will be fine if I just...

[bluegreysky]

...go back to treating him like he’s the love of my life.

He and I fought so much since about May 2016 and even before that but 2016 was when he found out something terrible from our breakup in 2012 before we were married... a secret I kept... and he flipped out. Instead of embracing trauma I went through and trying to nurture me, he treated me like I was some kind of horrible person.
I fell out of love with him that fall and even told him so when he asked why I was acting so wonky at the beginning of this year. Then being apart helped me remember some of the good stuff and I moved back in May of this year (gone 3 months). But my feelings of being “in love” were never restored.
Guilt? Yes. Lots of guilt.
Do I want to try to honor the vows I made? Yes.
Is it worth staying with a person I’m not in love with? My parents do that.
They are more like good roommates.
Is it worth trying to rekindle the love? Sometimes I feel it is, but then we have a fight and he’s mean and I feel like it’s not.
Do I always care about him and want him to heal and get over his ptsd and eventually go and start a business and be happy and make friends? Yes. Always.

One time I heard of a concept where if you’re unhappy pretend you’re happy and eventually you think you’re happy.

I wonder if I start saying and doing all the things that I did when I was madly in love with him if I would go back to believing I am madly in love with him.
I do know for a fact half our fights would go away.

 

[“Paisios”]

I am at work now, but will try to come back with a more detailed response later this evening.

EDIT: Never mind. Others have given better advice than I could. I pray that God guides your path, comforts you and your husband and provides you both with healing.

 

[thesunisout]

God can heal your marriage and give you the love for your husband that you have lost. On your end, you need to fully forgive your husband for his shortcomings, and make a decision to honor and respect him as your husband. Keep praying for Gods love to flood your heart for your husband.

Ask your husband if he would agree to pray with you on a regular basis to restore your marriage. Also, if he would study the bible with you on a regular basis. If he won't, then simply keep praying for him and yourself and expect God to do something.

 

[WolfGate]

There is a cliché - Love is a verb - that is half true. It is a verb and a noun. You can choose to love (verb) your husband the way you promised and that may help improve your marriage. Will that result in love (noun) coming back? Perhaps and perhaps not.

I can say, after 30 years of marriage, that there were times when I thought we might not have a happy life. We stayed together because that was the commitment we made. At various times, one of us had to work to love (verb) the other even when the other was being hard and difficult. Today, we do have the love (noun) we had when we were married. My heart flutters when I see her and my gratitude that we are married in strong.

Every situation is different, but in the end you can only control what you can do. Love (verb) him despite his past failings. Then see what the future brings.

 

[mina]

Your husband is part of your marriage too. I don't think it's particularly fair for him to blame it all on you. From your past threads it seems he uses his PTSD to excuse him from lots of things. How serious is he about getting the help he needs? You are only in control of you and you can not force feelings if they are not there. Is he acting "in love" with you with his actions and words? I don't think you should end your marriage; it's going to take work and time to heal and it may be only one sided for a while. Both of you need to get the help you need individually and together. Pray for him, find an older Christian woman that you can share with and pray with, ask him to pray for your marriage together. Treat one another with love. It's not totally on you to "fix"; he is responsible for the things he says and does or the things he doesn't say and do. All of that contributes to a marriage. It's not totally just your behavior that will make or break your marriage and you have to fall in line and do things perfectly and he gets to just do and say whatever he wants even if it's hurtful and hateful and expects you to give him a pass. Until he WANTS to get the help and seriously invests in taking those steps; you can be the perfect wife and the relationship will still deteriorate. Change will come when he stops blaming you and takes responsibility for everything he is doing.

You need to understand that everything will not be fine in a week or month or year because you just started loving him again. If might change your outlook and feelings but it's not going to fix things. Work on yourself so when that comes (him taking responsibility, owning his words and actions, getting real help and putting in the work needed for your shared marriage) you are ready to work with him. It might be long and it might be lonely, which is why I suggested finding an older Christian lady for a friend and sort of an accountability partner for you (in addition to therapy)- someone who has been married longer than you and can listen to you and advise you in the practical everyday things or when he's ranting and raving at you, you can walk away and have someone to call and say, "I really want to yell back and let him have it, but I also want to love him- talk me down/pray with me right now". You need therapy and you need a female friend you can trust.

edited for clarity, I don't think I explained very well previously

 

[Endeavourer]

Bluegreysky, with all of these posts it is clear that you are in deep distress over your marriage. You have both fallen out of love, are both holding grudges and are both behaving in ways that hurts the other.

Dr. Williard Harley, a Christian psychologist and marriage counselor, has done a lot of research into what behaviors are present in happy marriages. As you can imagine, he found that the patterns in happy marriages were opposite of those in your marriage. In my marriage, I very purposefully adhere to these patterns (as does my husband) and our marriage is more amazing than I thought a marriage could be. We are very deeply and romantically in love with our best friend and soulmate.

This is despite some very challenging conflicted interests we encountered - one so significant that had we been aware of it prior to the marriage we might not have married. However we worked through them using these methods. We scrupulously avoided any scorched earth statements and refused to coerce the other into what we wanted.

Dr. Harley has dedicated his life to a ministry for marriages, and provides a stunningly intuitive and feasible plan to restore love in your marriage - the same one we follow. He offers free information on his website as to what the plan is, a free forum that will coach you on implementing the plan (which he supervises), and when the forum recommends that you get some very specific advice directly from him, he answers your questions for free.

You will not get cohesive advice on christianforums. Christianforums are a group of well meaning people who do not have experience resolving the problems presented but give their best shot anyway. In some cases posters have experience with a portion of what you are struggling with but what they did in their experience may or may not have produced an optimal result.

Here are some interesting links describing his research, and provide a quick summary of how to have a blissfully wonderful marriage:
How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement

This plan will only work if BOTH spouses choose to follow it, so you'll need to sell your husband on it as well once you are convinced it will work for you. If he is not interested, this plan will offer you a strategy to invite him to a happy marriage by your actions or, if the the alternative becomes necessary, to set prudent boundaries on what behaviors you will accept and invite him to respect them.

What do you think of those links?

 

[Endeavourer]

To answer your question:

Things will NOT be fine if you go back to treating him like the love of your life but fundamental changes are not made as to how you both treat each other. Instead, if you try that, your marriage will become worse, and your despair towards your husband will either steal your health or cause you to divorce him.

A marriage takes two. When only one carries the load, the load will either destroy the marriage or it will destroy the person carrying the load.

 

[Endeavourer]

He and I fought so much since about May 2016 and even before that

Fighting destroys marriages. If you want to be in love with your husband, you need to resolve conflicts without fighting. Never fight again. Ever.

Fighting is usually occurring when one person is trying to force their taker on the other person's giver. Learn to negotiate with the other person's taker so you are never coercing their giver. Coercing their giver will result in the fight coming back all over again.

but 2016 was when he found out something terrible from our breakup in 2012 before we were married... a secret I kept... and he flipped out. Instead of embracing trauma I went through and trying to nurture me,

Flipping out at your spouse destroys marriages. You need to learn how to never accept another angry outburst in your marriage, so your marriage is not damaged. Stop accepting flip outs.

he treated me like I was some kind of horrible person.

Disrespecting the other spouse destroys marriages. Punishing the other spouse for their honesty destroys marriages. He needs to identify disrespect and refrain from it. You need to set boundaries to not accept disrespect.

I do know for a fact half our fights would go away.

Again, fighting kills marriages. Respectful negotiations build marriages.

 

[Endeavourer]

my husband says everything will be fine if I just ...go back to treating him like he’s the love of my life.

He is asking you to meet his needs without him meeting yours. If you try this plan, it will multiply your unhappiness week to week. If you want to be MORE miserable than you are now, try a non-mutual, one sided abusive marriage.

I wonder if I start saying and doing all the things that I did when I was madly in love with him if I would go back to believing I am madly in love with him.
I do know for a fact half our fights would go away.

Respectful negotiations where spouses brainstorm for solutions they are both mutually enthusiastic about cause you to be madly in love with each other.

My husband and I do not dread conflicts at all because they provide beautiful opportunities to show our care for each other. I will NOT accept a solution he is not enthusiastic about, and he will NOT accept a solution I'm not enthusiastic about. After our conflict resolution discussion, we are both enthusiastic about the solution and, if it is possible, we are more deeply in love with each other than before.

It also gives us confidence that the conflict is fully resolved and the other person's taker won't come back to cause another fight about it (if we allowed fights, that is).

Fighting causes you to fall out of love with each other.

 

[faroukfarouk]

There is indeed the aspect of one's promise made before God. Feelings come and go, but God does expect us to honour our promises.

 

[*LILAC]

So while your husband expects you to do all that, what is he bringing to the table? Marriage takes two. Blame-shifting won't solve anything.

 

[bluegreysky]

Well I don’t know why it’s taken all this time but I’m finally figuring out that he works backwards.

Other spouses if they were abusive or drank a lot, you could say “do it again and I’m leaving” and they’d realize they crossed a line and they need to change.
Or if you leave they sober up...
With him, if you say “do that again and I’m leaving” it just activates the ptsd which activates the anger which makes his response “ok fine I’ll call a divorce lawyer then”.
With him, since he has all the fear and rage of the ptsd, it seems like the only way to make him stop flipping out... is to make him feel safe (It’s like his outbursts are really tantrums) Then he calms down. So I guess I have to just toughen up and fight my own anger and make him feel safe?

 

[Endeavourer]

So I guess I have to just toughen up and fight my own anger and make him feel safe?

Anger outbursts will make the other spouse not feel safe. They are death to marriages.

An anger outburst at your spouse is **never** necessary. Do your marriage a favor and never have another one.

Here is a discussion on the behaviors that often lead to anger outbursts. Once you can recognize the initial behaviors, you can resolve the problem without escalating to anger:

Love Busters

 

[Endeavourer]

With him, if you say “do that again and I’m leaving” it just activates the ptsd which activates the anger which makes his response “ok fine I’ll call a divorce lawyer then”.

This response you describe of his here has nothing to do with his PTSD. It is normal and ordinary for anyone to feel unsafe and upset in a relationship where this is constantly being threatened.

If you do continue to do this, his response of calling a divorce lawyer would be quite understandable.

Deflecting to this type of threat to control your spouse is a terrible and marriage wrecking behavior.

 

[mina]

All of these things you are concerned about are extremely valid concerns to discuss with a therapist in an individual session. If you are not doing that you need to start and be discussing strategies for how you can respond to him in healthy and productive ways.

 

[Dave-W]

it seems like the only way to make him stop flipping out... is to make him feel safe (It’s like his outbursts are really tantrums) Then he calms down.

Gal 5:19 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, 21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.​

 

[FGEH]

I feel for you, I really do. After reading this and your previous posts, I can see you have similar feelings to my current marriage.
I don't think you should "fake" feelings if they are not there. I have done similar over the last 2 years and I now regret doing that. It builds up false hope/optimism.
My parents have stayed together as they didn't want to break their vows and I agree with that to an extent however, my parents do not love each other and they are clearly miserable. I often think would they be better apart but that's just it, "thinking" they will. I have no idea if you, I or anyone else will be better from being divorced/separated. I guess a good term might be "the grass isn't is always greener."
I know I have been no help to you, I can just relay my experiences and assure you, you are not alone.

 

[tall73]

He and I fought so much since about May 2016 and even before that but 2016 was when he found out something terrible from our breakup in 2012 before we were married... a secret I kept... and he flipped out. Instead of embracing trauma I went through and trying to nurture me, he treated me like I was some kind of horrible person.

Whatever this issue is have you brought it up in the counseling sessions you indicated once a month? Because it sounds like if it was significant enough for you to still need nurturing over--after keeping it secret for four years-- and for him to react the way he did, it is a pretty big deal.

 

[Blade]

bluegreysky..hi.. I dont ever come here. I have been married 33y. I KNOW your pain. A.. for about 15years.

I am not here to say stay or go nor I pray did anyone else. I do know your pain. I can share if you like.. WAY to much for here. So.. I will share some things I found. One.. is if JESUS is not in this.. it will never last. As in. it will never become what it was to be. Marriage.. some friends missionaries when were were young. Things you would think we should have known lol. Marriage is 50/50.. 75/25, 100/0. All this is hindsight which is 20/20 now. Sis you talked about love.. falling out. What I found is.. its never gone just buried. But.. for some can be buried very deep. I do truly know your pain.

What I found I wish.. pray.. I would have known from the start. Love your enemy. Love one another. Love the lord your God with all your heart soul mind. Do you.. do we LOVE Jesus? For me.. we get saved.. but LOVE HIM do I? How do I love someone I don't know? So.. in the middle of a fight.. a fight always takes two if one is not listening. So.. it was more one sided. I am no saint in all this.. remember that ok. Trying not to go to deep in to all this. I am no writer. So.. in this fight.. where she was ..it was as if the past door has been reopen. For her it was as if it was never closed.

So in this fight it was as if time had stopped. See TINY background. This fight.. we had.. or directed at me.. things your worst enemy would never say. And.. she is 4'11" and.. to make it stop.. would take what. five seconds. So it was that or.. let it hurt.. This had at one time gone on, our fighting 4-5 days a week... how many years? Then how many I stayed for just the two kids that I was mom and dad to. I got that bond mother gets.. anyway..

So in this fight..it was as if time just stopped. Side note.. for me.. this road was not easy. We hear some stories now and again. But.. for so many they never faced anything. They just like .. took that pain and stuff and stuck it in some room and shut the door.....so it was as if time just stopped. It didnt but.. it was very very strange. He just show'd up.. didnt see Him. But.. I could see her.. but not the outside.. the flesh. But her heart. And.. I had a love I have never had for anyone. If this.. this moment if this is the BEST she will ever be. I will love her as if I as in paradise.. as is she was Christ. I would never ask for anything from her.. I would alway give. I saw that was was being said.. was fake.. not real at all. I really stood there lol and said.. this is IT... this is what He means "love your enemy". Do I want to get to that moment again? NO.. NO.. but.. I would. No it left as fast at it came.

And my point is.. we HEAR the words and we SAY the words...but.. its a love that.. when we make that choice some they learn this early some dont.. That when we make this choice.. its HIS LOVE He gives.. He knows what is IN US. And.. if HE is lord.. when we make this chocie.. HE WILL SHOW UP. You will have a love.. that you cant explain. Like I said.. it left as fast as it came..yet.. strange.. I can still see and.. feel the same.. as in.. want to love her. Man.. there are things women ..lol. do? That I have NEVER had. My wife is Chinese. And.. as she was little.. SOME did things. So.. anyway..

Sis what I found is love does not die.. fall away.. just gets buried..and for some can be buried very very deep. Marriage to God means ALLOT. If you want to see HIS heart.. He loved this people..where she goes off and sells her self to theres. He waits in line.. buys her. If we put HIM 1st.. I let go of what I wanted. Not easy.. YES it hurts.. but sis.. if JESUS is just going to Church and reading our bible now and then.. He has to be LORD .. we will never be perfect.. He was. He was is what we should be. So.. He did it.. paid the price so we never have to.

So.. your NEVER alone.. you make the choice.. He will be there.. put HIM 1st.. be silly if you have to.. you both open the front door and kick out what ever it is. Tell lie that.. my love for him is not dead and gone.. THINK..that thought.. even a feeling.. never came from GOD.. and GOD cant lie. All satan can do is LIE. So.. how many times did you ever get that thought.. ITS DEAD..or the like where you were not even thinking about that? All Adam and Eve had to do is ACT on that lie.

Sis.. if you asked Jesus.. Jesus what do you want me to do? He would say "what do want?". And you can look and see BOTH ways.. one looks hard.. the other.. might be easy and I might find... And He will also say "I will not judge you nor condemn you" Always be with you always FOR YOU. BUT some CHOICES in our life have a PRICE. I made the choice NOT to listen to what I want.. I made this bed. I LOVE HER..it got buried.. very deep.. yet.. HE found it.. JESUS IS REAL. put HIM 1st in all things. talk pray what ever..with Him always. If HE is not 1st.. then its just LUCK.. and in heaven there is no luck.

Mine is over 33y.. yours is NOT praise GOD. So.. I KNOW it sounds like.. BOTH paths are free.. and they are. He will NEVER force anyone to do anything. And.. He is not man.. So when He says I LOVE YOU.. no matter what you do.. HE WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE.. And sis.. HE NEVER EVER makes you feel guilty.

Relax.. take a breath. My choices.. had OTHERS in it.. like two babies.. where I was mom and dad.. so.. yeah.. Again.. He will never say you have to... no matter the choice.. you look infront.. in back.. side to side..and say.. your still here? He smiles.. I LOVE YOU.. haha.. there is nothing you can do.. that will EVER make me leave.. EVER. So.. KNOW THIS.. what ever choice you make.. do in love.. NEVER do it for guilt

 

[ValleyGal]

Christianforums are a group of well meaning people who do not have experience resolving the problems presented but give their best shot anyway.

Speak for yourself. Much of my undergrad work was about marriage, I have created a marriage preparation program, I have trained for Gottman's workshops, I have studied trauma and addictions/mental health at the graduate level, and I work very closely with families with attachment issues, anxiety, trauma, and other relationship/social issues. I am fully qualified, and on many threads, I have given sound advice based on my wealth of knowledge. I think it's rather unfair of you to presume that no one here is qualified to provide sound advice based on research rather than experience.

BGS, please. Have your husband look into EMDR treatments. Seriously. It works. If you don't have him look into this, then you are contributing to the continued dysfunction in your marriage as well as keeping him in a place of trauma rather than healing. Once he is finished EMDR, then I would recommend Freedom Session to both of you. It is a Christian-based healing/discipleship program that will allow both of you to examine your own self for healing, and then help you learn to take responsibility for your actions, feelings, reactions, and behaviour in your own life. It teaches boundaries, and how to distinguish what is yours to own, and what is his to own. And then, I'd advise finding a Gottman therapist near you. You have never responded to anything I've ever written to you, so maybe you have me on ignore, but please, if you want to save your marriage, listen to what I've said here.