my husband is mean and I don't know what to do

[GraceLoveHope]

When I married, one of the things that I loved most about my husband is that he was so sweet and made me feel like the most special woman in the world.

Flash forward to now, my husband is the meanest person I know. Instead of coming home and giving me a kiss, he starts yelling at me before he's even in the door. On his day off, it starts before I can even unbutton my blazer. He swears at me and calls me names. Sometimes, he's just in a bad mood and he'll get angry at me for no reason, or for something that happened weeks or months ago. Sometimes, he'll get mad at me for conflicting reasons, like if he asks for advice and I don't have any, he will blow up on me both for not offering advice and telling him what to do at the same time!

I am in a constant state of unrest in my own home because I never know when he is going to blow up on me. Each day, it is harder and harder to love him. He is at risk of losing his job because of the way he talks to his boss and coworkers and no longer has any friends at all. He complains of psychiatric symptoms like hallucinations but refuses to see a doctor or counselor. He will not accept help for himself or our marriage.

I am strong and very secure, but I feel like a failure that I can't make him happy. I am beginning to realize that the suddenly negative feelings I've been having about myself are linked to nothing other than the way he speaks to me.

What's worse is that we are having our first baby soon, and if I, strong and faithful, am having such a negative self worth from living with him, I know this will have lifelong scarring effects on a fragile child. If we have a little boy watching this, how will talk to his mother and other women? If we have a little girl, what will she accept as treatment from potential suitors? Regardless of gender, if he is blowing up at our little child the way he does me, how will that child view themself as an adult? I know the answer to all those questions, and of course I don't want that kind of outcome for my children. I want our marriage to project light, security and the love of Christ.

I believe what the Bible says about marriage and I don't think that divorce is acceptable. I know I am supposed to love my God before my spouse, and my husband before my children, but this is getting to be too much to handle. I need to be there for my husband, but I also need to provide a safe, loving home for my children, and I also need to be in a place where I can take care of my pregnancy without being on edge all the time. I'm the last one left that puts up with my husband's bad attitude, and if I sent him packing, I don't know where he'd go. But, if he stays here and continues like this, which has been getting worse and worse over the past 6 months, I am jeapordizing the physical, emotional, and mental health of myself and child.

I am finding myself growing more and more distant toward him. Often, I don't talk to him except answering his questions with one word. I have less and less patience for hearing him rant on about how everyone at work is making a big deal about nothing. There is nothing left inside me that wants to or is even able to deal with him anymore. I work full-time and then some, I have a person growing inside me, I can't sleep and have diarrhea constantly from the amount of stress I'm under, and I'm just exhausted. Absolutely wiped clean.

I know what a wordly person would say... but really, what would Jesus do in this situation? I am praying and praying but can't find a solution.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

sounds like he's feeling pressure from something (i'm not saying it's you btw )

from a man's perspective, even though having a son or daughter is awesome - there's the financial side - is there financial pressure?

 

[GraceLoveHope]

We are blessed financially. We have to replace a vehicle which is a strain, but we can pay our bills. We are saving money and rent a home big enough for our family. I earn slightly more which he thinks is unacceptable, and he thinks I earn more money than I do. I am definitely more frugal and financially responsible so my paycheck goes further than his, but we are definitely not struggling. Any setback, financial or not, stresses him out much more than it does me. To him, nothing is a small problem.

 

[hedrick]

You're probably not going to be able to fix this on your own. You're probably going to need some kind of marriage counseling, whether from a counsellor or something like a pastor. Just beware about choosing pastors. Plenty of people here belong to churches where the man is already right and the main goal is to get you to submit. Probably not what you're looking for.

I'd talk with people in your church or others you know from job or community, or your doctor.

 

[GraceLoveHope]

I know, but he will not go to counseling and he will not see a doctor about his other problems. He thinks nothing is wrong. He thinks that his family's overreacting, everyone he works with is a jerk, his friends just aren't interested anymore, and that he has the right to treat me like that because I deserve it for whatever thing that happened 6 or 10 months ago that he's mad about today.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

We are blessed financially. We have to replace a vehicle which is a strain, but we can pay our bills. We are saving money and rent a home big enough for our family. I earn slightly more which he thinks is unacceptable, and he thinks I earn more money than I do. I am definitely more frugal and financially responsible so my paycheck goes further than his, but we are definitely not struggling. Any setback, financial or not, stresses him out much more than it does me. To him, nothing is a small problem.

would you still be blessed financially if you weren't working? say on maternity leave, or after? this might be part of what's eating at him; babies are expensive to have and expensive to keep - especially if the income might be cut in half at some point - even with good health insurance. men feel the need to provide for their families - if he doesn't see how he can do this with you at home and the expense of a baby, this would definitely put him in a mental vise. pressure does strange things to people.

when did he stop being sweet and start being the way he is now - was it recently or quite a while ago - what was happening around that time that might have applied pressure from his perspective?

 

[tturt]

Have you had the chance to read Love and Respect by Emerson? I think women understand love and we think our husbands are suppose to love us and we love them but according to Eph 5:33 it says husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands. They want our respect more than our love.

I think women generally lack understanding of what respect means to men. I'm not saying you don't give him respect but what you do to show him respect has to mean respect to him. It's comparable to the Five Love Languages - some of them mean more to us individually than the others.

 

[peachy33]

Ugh...I know what you're going through, and it's not easy. But, I do believe in change. There are things you can do to change your reactions to his behavior, which will probably lead to a healthier dynamic. Maybe try some of the following:

1. Prayer

2. Communicate: When he's calm, have a conversation with him about how you expect to be treated. Don't start the blame game...just lay it out in a respectful manner.

3. Positive reinforcement for the good. I can't stress this enough!! When he is calm and appropriate with you, make sure to please, please, please let him know how much you appreciate it. With time, he'll learn to get your attention by acting nicer, as it proves beneficial to him.

4. Walk away: Don't put up with his tirades. Let him know that you'll discuss the matter further when he's able to communicate better, and then move out of his presence.

5. Separate: For a time at least, if you feel like you're in danger.

 

[SoldierOfSoul]

Hope for the Broken Marriage | New Life

 

[Girder of Loins]

Well, you could always just leave. Not divorce, just separate. Considering how angry he is, it is only a matter of time before it becomes physical, and judging from your post, it doesn't look like things will change for the better before they get worse.

 

[Gottservant]

Gentle words to a fool are still enticing

 

[Ark100]

OP,

prayer
Seek GOD'S face.
Its a tough situation for you, and I feel quite sorry for you.
But you are right, it will be hazardous raising a new born in that atmosphere.
You need to seek God on this. NO ONE HERE can tell you what to do.
You are right, on a worldly normal perspective, people will tell you to RUN, to get out of there.
And it sounds reasonable to be honest. That man is causing you grief, pain, unrest, and all of these whilst you re pregnant.
The baby's safety and your health should be number one right now
Do whatever you can to protect both.
Seek God's face intensely, I MEAN INTENSELY.

 

[LoricaLady]

When I married, one of the things that I loved most about my husband is that he was so sweet and made me feel like the most special woman in the world.

Flash forward to now, my husband is the meanest person I know. Instead of coming home and giving me a kiss, he starts yelling at me before he's even in the door. On his day off, it starts before I can even unbutton my blazer. He swears at me and calls me names. Sometimes, he's just in a bad mood and he'll get angry at me for no reason, or for something that happened weeks or months ago. Sometimes, he'll get mad at me for conflicting reasons, like if he asks for advice and I don't have any, he will blow up on me both for not offering advice and telling him what to do at the same time!

I am in a constant state of unrest in my own home because I never know when he is going to blow up on me. Each day, it is harder and harder to love him. He is at risk of losing his job because of the way he talks to his boss and coworkers and no longer has any friends at all. He complains of psychiatric symptoms like hallucinations but refuses to see a doctor or counselor. He will not accept help for himself or our marriage.

I am strong and very secure, but I feel like a failure that I can't make him happy. I am beginning to realize that the suddenly negative feelings I've been having about myself are linked to nothing other than the way he speaks to me.

What's worse is that we are having our first baby soon, and if I, strong and faithful, am having such a negative self worth from living with him, I know this will have lifelong scarring effects on a fragile child. If we have a little boy watching this, how will talk to his mother and other women? If we have a little girl, what will she accept as treatment from potential suitors? Regardless of gender, if he is blowing up at our little child the way he does me, how will that child view themself as an adult? I know the answer to all those questions, and of course I don't want that kind of outcome for my children. I want our marriage to project light, security and the love of Christ.

I believe what the Bible says about marriage and I don't think that divorce is acceptable. I know I am supposed to love my God before my spouse, and my husband before my children, but this is getting to be too much to handle. I need to be there for my husband, but I also need to provide a safe, loving home for my children, and I also need to be in a place where I can take care of my pregnancy without being on edge all the time. I'm the last one left that puts up with my husband's bad attitude, and if I sent him packing, I don't know where he'd go. But, if he stays here and continues like this, which has been getting worse and worse over the past 6 months, I am jeapordizing the physical, emotional, and mental health of myself and child.

I am finding myself growing more and more distant toward him. Often, I don't talk to him except answering his questions with one word. I have less and less patience for hearing him rant on about how everyone at work is making a big deal about nothing. There is nothing left inside me that wants to or is even able to deal with him anymore. I work full-time and then some, I have a person growing inside me, I can't sleep and have diarrhea constantly from the amount of stress I'm under, and I'm just exhausted. Absolutely wiped clean.

I know what a wordly person would say... but really, what would Jesus do in this situation? I am praying and praying but can't find a solution.

You are indeed jeopardizing your mental and physical health and that of your future child. For one thing you are putting a lot of stress on your adrenals. When they go, all kinds of problems occur.

I know some will say you have to obey your husband. No, we are to submit as unto the Father. The Father would not abuse you or ask you to put your child at risk for abuse. And btw this kind of domestic abuse not infrequently escalates into physical abuse. You wouldn't jump off a roof because your husband wanted you to do so and you shouldn't put yourself and your child in danger through abuse either.

Personally I would get out of there as fast as possible. You may want to get counseling but if he doesn't agree to it, and if he shows no improvement, don't be surprised. Domestic abusers have a very low rate of true reform. They have lots of tears and "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" and then they do it again and often worse and worse.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

would you still be blessed financially if you weren't working? say on maternity leave, or after? this might be part of what's eating at him; babies are expensive to have and expensive to keep - especially if the income might be cut in half at some point - even with good health insurance. men feel the need to provide for their families - if he doesn't see how he can do this with you at home and the expense of a baby, this would definitely put him in a mental vise. pressure does strange things to people.

hmm...no reply.

when i first read your post, i immediately thought about how having kids can put pressure on men to feel that they may fail at being the 'provider' - this kind of pressure can produce exactly the behavior you describe in regards to your husband.

what i'm getting at is that maybe you should let your husband know that you understand that this baby will change your combined financial need, and that you are willing and ready to make sacrifices so that you can afford to have this baby without putting undue pressure on him to provide for his family.