My father was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up and is emotionally abusive to me even today.
I remember him telling me that the Bible tells him to discipline your child and that it specifically told him he had to hit me as if it made him some kinda saint for being abusive. I remember I used to hate God when I was little because He's referred to as the Father and to me father was some mean guy looking for excuses to punish me. I didn't understand it when the other kids and people on TV were getting along with their Dad's.
My Mom doesn't remember it but I'm pretty sure I had told her about Dad chasing me around the table to kick me and she was THERE when he left welts on the backs of my thighs with an arrow shaft (My Dad and I were into archery together, I was furious and humiliated when he joked with some other archers about how after the wooden arrows cracked and became useless he'd use them to beat me- yeah real economical there... I felt less than human ) I remember her looking at the welts and saying how she saw me 'jump' when he hit me so he missed my shorts and got bare skin- more than once? I was seeing a counselor at school at the time and I told her about it. All she did was make me talk about it a lot until it seemed like all I did when I saw her was cry and go back to class with a tear stained face and fighting to keep more tears from coming in front of my classmates (I remember the bullies at school being particularly bad that year).
I remember I seemed to get it worse then my siblings, dunno if it was because I've always been stubborn or just because I was the oldest and he always said I should be an example to them. Plus mental illnesses aren't popular with my father and I'm pretty mental.
I don't think I've made all this up as I can remember it going on for years. The last time my father hit me was shortly before I turned 18. I told him I'd call the cops if he touched me again, he said it was none of the cops business but I think I scared him as he hasn't hit me since but he's still verbally abusive. When I'm sick/really tired I can hear his voice shouting at me.
A little over 2 months ago I had gone to the ER two nights in a row, I'd been self harming and struggling with the urge to self harm again the second night, I didn't hurt myself bad but I was hoping to get committed in the mental ward so I could get away from my father's mouth for a while and get help. I'd been back home for about a month and we were clashing nearly everyday. But they wouldn't keep me because I wasn't suicidal. When I got sent back the second time I confronted him about how he treated me. He asked if I wanted him to start hitting me again so I'd stop cutting and admitted "Maybe I was abusive but you deserved it.".
My Dad probably'll never win any awards for being a parent. But he did one thing right which still surprises me. It was through him that I 'got saved'. His parents- my grandparents- are Christians, true followers of Christ. What ever flaws my father has aren't my grandparents' fault, they raised him right in the faith... and part of that stuck with him. During one of the rare times we got along he was driving me home from somewhere and were talking about motorcycles and how I'd like to get one.
He said, "Would you like to get a tattoo that says "If God doesn't allow motorcycles in Heaven I'll drive my Harley straight to Hell"?"
I kinda grunted in reply... I knew he was joking but I was afraid to say I'd go to hell even as a joke.
"Yes? You would?" My Dad asked, he kinda turned serious and I thought I was in trouble. "You know..." He continued, "The end times are coming and in hell people are gonna be burning but not dying and it never ends and they can't get out of it. Your mother and I would want to save you but we won't be able to do anything."
I don't remember exactly what he said but I remember the thought of being someplace suffering like that with no breaks and not even being able to have my parents help me really scared me. The only way I could get out of going to Hell- and get into Heaven- was by God's grace. Getting into Heaven wasn't like hopping over a fence, it's impossible to get in there without accepting Jesus Christ as personal savior.
My Dad pulled over and led me through the sinner's prayer and I 'got saved'. It wasn't until sometime later that I understood the details but what matterered at the moment was that I got saved.
There were no great changes in my life as far as I could see immediately after I got saved. I went about as before... still not getting along well with my father even if I was converted. The summer before I turned 13 I got a spacey spell that still has not lifted 12 years later (I still don't know what it is but possibly depersonalization disorder) It triggered anxiety and panic attacks... I was afraid to go anywhere and left school to be homeschooled. At first I saw a lot of doctors to figure out what is wrong with me, but after they couldn't find anything physically wrong with me my Dad decided it wasn't important and eventually decided that I was making it up to "Get attention, get out of doing things, to be lazy" etc. and didn't want to waste more money on doctors. I still wonder if I would be figured out by now if I got more attention from doctors back when this spaceyness started.
I eventually got over my anxiety enough to go back to school and attend Word of Life Teen Club at my church. Keeping my mind occupied helped me with my anxiety so I really threw myself into it. I did my best to get to the meetings, functions, Christian services, Teens Involved, camp, did the Quiet Time, assignments and memorized verses.
I learned a lot about the Bible and God while in Teen Club. I learned how Salavation works. It used to be that they would sacrifice an lamb to pay for sins- the lamb would die in the sinner's place and its blood would in a way cover the sin. But we're all born with a sinful nature and sheep can't pay for us forever. So God sent us His Son, Jesus, the Lamb of God, to be the ultimate sacrifice. Jesus was both man and God. It's believed that our sinful nature is passed on through Adam, the father of a child. Since Jesus's father is God and not human He didn't inherit the 'sin disease'. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden He was tempted, yet He never sinned. Because Jesus was perfect He was the perfect sacrifice to pay for our sins (This includes sins we aint even committed yet). He willingly gave up his life to save us from Hell and all we need to do is accept Him as our personal savior.
While I was in high school my best friend's parents' marriage was falling apart and her mother attempted suicide (Thank God she didn't die) and my friend got saved at a SuperBowl (An all night event, games, roller skating etc with a gospel message) a month later and attended Teen Club with me.. only to lose interest later on in high school. I didn't realize it at first but a lot of kids with parents who are getting divorced will sometimes turn to religion in hopes that God will fix everything for them the way they want it to be... sometimes they develop deep relationships with God no matter how their parents turn out and other times... unfortunately... they only wish to make a deal with God on their terms and lose interest in Him if things don't go the way they want them to (And probably would lose interest if things go right when they think they don't need Him anymore). I'm afraid that my friend lost interest in God after her parents got divorced even though I asked her if she wanted to go to Teen Club often and after she went away to college she had forsaken her faith even more...
I stayed pretty well fired for God all through high school. But after I graduated and no longer had Teen CLub to go to every week and I stopped going to Church the fire kind of fizzled out. I would mechanically read the Bible every night but I absorbed little. My prayer was mechanical too and I would often fall asleep before 'Amen'.
My father was no longer physically abusive after I turned 18 but was still verbally abusive. I would get so frustrated at times I got into self harming without even knowing what it was, I would cut myself because I never learned healthier ways to deal with anger.
About 3 years after I graduated from high school my best friend came to visit. I had only seen her once since she had gone to college but it was like she never left, we were as close as ever. She invited me to visit her in Columbus, Ohio so I did and I enjoyed my visit so much I agreed to move in with her and her room mates. I hadn't cut for a while before I moved to Ohio, but a Christian friend who knew about my cutting and that I was moving IMed me asking about it. I told her t he truth that i hadn't cut for a while and I think she was glad... but asked me to try to make a new start with my move and commit more to God. I think I said I would... whatever I told her I wish I took what she asked of me more seriously.
I had a good time in Ohio at first and I tried to go to church when I was awake early enough on Sunday but my actions where still mechanical and to tell the truth I think I drifted even further from God during this time. The other two room mates were moving to Japan so my best friend and I got an apartment. I was miserable there and saw examples of how far my best friend had drifted from God but I was so out of step from God myself that when I noticed I didn't say a word. I wasn't very close to my anymore friend either and had been closing myself to everything more and more. My spaceyness, anxiety and panic attacks were terrible, so bad I lost my job. The only good thing to come of this low t ime was that I went into an anxiety chatroom and made some great friends and learned ways of dealing with anxiety and other psychological things... I also learned that I can be easy to talk to and started seriously thinking about becoming a psychologist.
My best friend and I were going seperate ways... she was moving to another part of Columbus and I had nowhere else to go but back with my parents.
My father and I still didn't get along. Within a week of moving back it had gotten so bad I had started cutting again. I had my meds adjusted and learned ways to avoid my father but I still got frustrated and anxious at times and struggled against the urge to hurt myself. I could no longer go to the chatroom I had made friends in so I looked for another mental health chatroom... and found Christian Forums. (They have very supportive recovery and mental health forums, very compassionate people in them) After joining the forum I figured that now is as good a time as any to work on renewing my faith.
I'd be lying if I said that everything is ok now... I'm still struggling with spaceyness, anxiety and self harm, I've even lost another job because I couldn't come in as much as they need me and I have cut myself since deciding to renew my faith. I aint perfect, God is still working on me. I've made some good friends in the chatroom and forums, I've gotten better at prayer and I have a much more effective Bible study these days.
Last week I started studying the book of Ephesians, in fact I'm still working through it and the first chapter really touched me.
God chose us to be His children (v 5). My earthly father has failings and has even been abusive to me. But I have God as my Heavenly Father and He won't ever fail me.
(I've been thinking of sending my testimony to a non-Christian friend of mine... thought it would be less awkward than starting with Roman's Road.)
I remember him telling me that the Bible tells him to discipline your child and that it specifically told him he had to hit me as if it made him some kinda saint for being abusive. I remember I used to hate God when I was little because He's referred to as the Father and to me father was some mean guy looking for excuses to punish me. I didn't understand it when the other kids and people on TV were getting along with their Dad's.
My Mom doesn't remember it but I'm pretty sure I had told her about Dad chasing me around the table to kick me and she was THERE when he left welts on the backs of my thighs with an arrow shaft (My Dad and I were into archery together, I was furious and humiliated when he joked with some other archers about how after the wooden arrows cracked and became useless he'd use them to beat me- yeah real economical there... I felt less than human ) I remember her looking at the welts and saying how she saw me 'jump' when he hit me so he missed my shorts and got bare skin- more than once? I was seeing a counselor at school at the time and I told her about it. All she did was make me talk about it a lot until it seemed like all I did when I saw her was cry and go back to class with a tear stained face and fighting to keep more tears from coming in front of my classmates (I remember the bullies at school being particularly bad that year).
I remember I seemed to get it worse then my siblings, dunno if it was because I've always been stubborn or just because I was the oldest and he always said I should be an example to them. Plus mental illnesses aren't popular with my father and I'm pretty mental.
I don't think I've made all this up as I can remember it going on for years. The last time my father hit me was shortly before I turned 18. I told him I'd call the cops if he touched me again, he said it was none of the cops business but I think I scared him as he hasn't hit me since but he's still verbally abusive. When I'm sick/really tired I can hear his voice shouting at me.
A little over 2 months ago I had gone to the ER two nights in a row, I'd been self harming and struggling with the urge to self harm again the second night, I didn't hurt myself bad but I was hoping to get committed in the mental ward so I could get away from my father's mouth for a while and get help. I'd been back home for about a month and we were clashing nearly everyday. But they wouldn't keep me because I wasn't suicidal. When I got sent back the second time I confronted him about how he treated me. He asked if I wanted him to start hitting me again so I'd stop cutting and admitted "Maybe I was abusive but you deserved it.".
My Dad probably'll never win any awards for being a parent. But he did one thing right which still surprises me. It was through him that I 'got saved'. His parents- my grandparents- are Christians, true followers of Christ. What ever flaws my father has aren't my grandparents' fault, they raised him right in the faith... and part of that stuck with him. During one of the rare times we got along he was driving me home from somewhere and were talking about motorcycles and how I'd like to get one.
He said, "Would you like to get a tattoo that says "If God doesn't allow motorcycles in Heaven I'll drive my Harley straight to Hell"?"
I kinda grunted in reply... I knew he was joking but I was afraid to say I'd go to hell even as a joke.
"Yes? You would?" My Dad asked, he kinda turned serious and I thought I was in trouble. "You know..." He continued, "The end times are coming and in hell people are gonna be burning but not dying and it never ends and they can't get out of it. Your mother and I would want to save you but we won't be able to do anything."
I don't remember exactly what he said but I remember the thought of being someplace suffering like that with no breaks and not even being able to have my parents help me really scared me. The only way I could get out of going to Hell- and get into Heaven- was by God's grace. Getting into Heaven wasn't like hopping over a fence, it's impossible to get in there without accepting Jesus Christ as personal savior.
My Dad pulled over and led me through the sinner's prayer and I 'got saved'. It wasn't until sometime later that I understood the details but what matterered at the moment was that I got saved.
There were no great changes in my life as far as I could see immediately after I got saved. I went about as before... still not getting along well with my father even if I was converted. The summer before I turned 13 I got a spacey spell that still has not lifted 12 years later (I still don't know what it is but possibly depersonalization disorder) It triggered anxiety and panic attacks... I was afraid to go anywhere and left school to be homeschooled. At first I saw a lot of doctors to figure out what is wrong with me, but after they couldn't find anything physically wrong with me my Dad decided it wasn't important and eventually decided that I was making it up to "Get attention, get out of doing things, to be lazy" etc. and didn't want to waste more money on doctors. I still wonder if I would be figured out by now if I got more attention from doctors back when this spaceyness started.
I eventually got over my anxiety enough to go back to school and attend Word of Life Teen Club at my church. Keeping my mind occupied helped me with my anxiety so I really threw myself into it. I did my best to get to the meetings, functions, Christian services, Teens Involved, camp, did the Quiet Time, assignments and memorized verses.
I learned a lot about the Bible and God while in Teen Club. I learned how Salavation works. It used to be that they would sacrifice an lamb to pay for sins- the lamb would die in the sinner's place and its blood would in a way cover the sin. But we're all born with a sinful nature and sheep can't pay for us forever. So God sent us His Son, Jesus, the Lamb of God, to be the ultimate sacrifice. Jesus was both man and God. It's believed that our sinful nature is passed on through Adam, the father of a child. Since Jesus's father is God and not human He didn't inherit the 'sin disease'. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden He was tempted, yet He never sinned. Because Jesus was perfect He was the perfect sacrifice to pay for our sins (This includes sins we aint even committed yet). He willingly gave up his life to save us from Hell and all we need to do is accept Him as our personal savior.
While I was in high school my best friend's parents' marriage was falling apart and her mother attempted suicide (Thank God she didn't die) and my friend got saved at a SuperBowl (An all night event, games, roller skating etc with a gospel message) a month later and attended Teen Club with me.. only to lose interest later on in high school. I didn't realize it at first but a lot of kids with parents who are getting divorced will sometimes turn to religion in hopes that God will fix everything for them the way they want it to be... sometimes they develop deep relationships with God no matter how their parents turn out and other times... unfortunately... they only wish to make a deal with God on their terms and lose interest in Him if things don't go the way they want them to (And probably would lose interest if things go right when they think they don't need Him anymore). I'm afraid that my friend lost interest in God after her parents got divorced even though I asked her if she wanted to go to Teen Club often and after she went away to college she had forsaken her faith even more...
I stayed pretty well fired for God all through high school. But after I graduated and no longer had Teen CLub to go to every week and I stopped going to Church the fire kind of fizzled out. I would mechanically read the Bible every night but I absorbed little. My prayer was mechanical too and I would often fall asleep before 'Amen'.
My father was no longer physically abusive after I turned 18 but was still verbally abusive. I would get so frustrated at times I got into self harming without even knowing what it was, I would cut myself because I never learned healthier ways to deal with anger.
About 3 years after I graduated from high school my best friend came to visit. I had only seen her once since she had gone to college but it was like she never left, we were as close as ever. She invited me to visit her in Columbus, Ohio so I did and I enjoyed my visit so much I agreed to move in with her and her room mates. I hadn't cut for a while before I moved to Ohio, but a Christian friend who knew about my cutting and that I was moving IMed me asking about it. I told her t he truth that i hadn't cut for a while and I think she was glad... but asked me to try to make a new start with my move and commit more to God. I think I said I would... whatever I told her I wish I took what she asked of me more seriously.
I had a good time in Ohio at first and I tried to go to church when I was awake early enough on Sunday but my actions where still mechanical and to tell the truth I think I drifted even further from God during this time. The other two room mates were moving to Japan so my best friend and I got an apartment. I was miserable there and saw examples of how far my best friend had drifted from God but I was so out of step from God myself that when I noticed I didn't say a word. I wasn't very close to my anymore friend either and had been closing myself to everything more and more. My spaceyness, anxiety and panic attacks were terrible, so bad I lost my job. The only good thing to come of this low t ime was that I went into an anxiety chatroom and made some great friends and learned ways of dealing with anxiety and other psychological things... I also learned that I can be easy to talk to and started seriously thinking about becoming a psychologist.
My best friend and I were going seperate ways... she was moving to another part of Columbus and I had nowhere else to go but back with my parents.
My father and I still didn't get along. Within a week of moving back it had gotten so bad I had started cutting again. I had my meds adjusted and learned ways to avoid my father but I still got frustrated and anxious at times and struggled against the urge to hurt myself. I could no longer go to the chatroom I had made friends in so I looked for another mental health chatroom... and found Christian Forums. (They have very supportive recovery and mental health forums, very compassionate people in them) After joining the forum I figured that now is as good a time as any to work on renewing my faith.
I'd be lying if I said that everything is ok now... I'm still struggling with spaceyness, anxiety and self harm, I've even lost another job because I couldn't come in as much as they need me and I have cut myself since deciding to renew my faith. I aint perfect, God is still working on me. I've made some good friends in the chatroom and forums, I've gotten better at prayer and I have a much more effective Bible study these days.
Last week I started studying the book of Ephesians, in fact I'm still working through it and the first chapter really touched me.
Ephesians 1:3-10 (NIV)
God chose us to be His children (v 5). My earthly father has failings and has even been abusive to me. But I have God as my Heavenly Father and He won't ever fail me.
(I've been thinking of sending my testimony to a non-Christian friend of mine... thought it would be less awkward than starting with Roman's Road.)
