- Jul 15, 2014
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Everyone, I feel more comfortable putting this here instead of specifically in the prayer request section, if you do not mind, perhaps because I have mentioned my family in previous posts here before, especially concerning my great-aunt Jean.
My great-uncle Bill, on my mother's side, passed away from a heart attack after apparently several years of complications, just a few weeks ago. I was around him and the rest of the Haggard family (my grandmother's maiden name) a lot more when I was little, but pretty much since I entered college I hardly interacted with them. Nevertheless, I think I got along well with them and had a lot of good, kind of heart-to-heart talks when I saw them at the funeral and spent some time with them over dinner at my great-aunt Kathy's house, though. And Aunt Kathy herself seemed to be taking the loss well, thankfully. I can only hope it didn't shock her to wake up the next day and no longer have any family, particularly Uncle Bill, in her house.
But this is not all. Last week while I was in Chattanooga with some friends I took the time to go about and see my relatives who still live around that area, both on my father and my mother's side. Luckily all of my visits with them were warm and welcome, so I am grateful for that. (My Aunt Jean seems well enough, too, thankfully. Her health isn't at its peak, maybe, as she is pretty much confined to bed, but at least she does not seem to be in constant pain and her mind is still there. Please continue to pray for her, however, as she wishes to see a few more years of her life.)
But still, one visit made me pretty upset at the time. It is my grandfather on my mother's side, Lamar. He and my grandmother were very active in my sister's and my own lives for most of the thirty years I have lived. Six years ago my grandmother spiraled down to nothing from dementia and cancer. Honestly, while it certainly meant I could never go back to the days when I was younger and she lived her life to coddle my sister and I, I was grateful and relieved to see her die right in front of me. Because she seemed to be suffering greatly the last few days. In death I suppose one's sleep is not riddled with terrible nightmares, so as far as I am concerned, it was a relief when she closed her eyes. But now my grandfather seems to be going the same way. At first I did not worry too much because a couple of years ago he had simply broken his hip. It was successfully replaced and he could still get around on his own after that without too much trouble, it seemed. Still, since then it was too worrisome for him to stay in his house alone and try to take care of himself. And now in the last year with him losing his short-term memory, I can see why. He'd been living with my aunt Angie and uncle Rick (my mother's only brother) a few miles down the road in Ooltewah ever since, and from my last three or four visits before this most recent one last week I was not too saddened to see him like this, as at the very least I could still hold a decent conversation with him. I would have to answer the same basic small-talk questions four or five times in thirty minutes of talking, yes, but I guess in comparison to now, there was no reason for me to be that upset over it. It was just Alzheimer's. .... Not Alzheimer's and simply not knowing where he is, who he is, or anything at all. Depressing as this sounds, it's almost like he is both deaf and blind, mentally speaking, so if I were in his shoes, I would actually rather be one or the other than in his mental state. It was awful when I saw him last week. And it's obviously all the more exhausting for my aunt and uncle. He could not even talk straight. Most of his sentences came out as seeming gibberish, and I see a look on his face as he talks like there is a part of him that is actually aware of this, and his inability to just ... act normally saddens and upsets him, too. Just as bad, my aunt and uncle informed that, starting a few months ago, he would seemingly get very agitated and angry for no reason during the nighttime each day, as well as having episodes of wandering around the house or even being found outside as others in the house were asleep at night. This is no way to live. It really isn't. And I don't know of anyone who ever came back to sound mental health from this.
It dawns on me, seeing him like this, my Aunt Jean (although don't get me wrong; I am grateful she can talk and understand well, still), and my uncle Bill dying all in the space of just the last six or so months, that as an annihilationist who has forsaken the traditional view of a soul being a separate immortal entity that leaves the body at death and goes to an eternal realm of concious bliss or torment, I am more aware of mortality of the human being, now, and while it may mean I have a "softer" view on what it means for an unbeliever to die (Heaven forbid, I know. *rolls eyes*), it also means it is ... easier for me to be brought down by the death of those I love, too. I used to take it well, but that's because the mortality aspect did not bother me. After all, all my life I had been taught that they immediately go to Heaven to be happy forever after death ... virtually without the need to actually be resurrected from the dead when Jesus comes. So, no, on one hand while my conscience is eased no longer being afraid of this medieval carnival of torments called hell, it still hits me how depressing our mortality now can be. My Uncle Bill is asleep. Aunt Jean may soon be asleep, and she very mortally feels the sting of debilitating physical sickness right now, ... and it's only all the worse for my grandfather. Even his mind is mortal. And it's like being in his own personal traditional hell here on Earth. At least to me it is. Worse than earthly death.
I don't know what to ask you all to pray for, really. I mean, I felt better after leaving my aunt and uncle's house last Friday night and went back to my friends at the hotel as they were leaving to go out to dinner,and at that time, when a few asked me what was wrong from my probably somber-looking face, I explained the situation and they gave some encouragement that lightened my spirits a good bit. Still, if no one ever gets restored from Alzheimer's and other such diseases to live out their few remaining years ... normally, then as depressing as it may sound, isn't it better to just pass away to the grave, now? At least with the hope of being resurrected to eternal life one day, where believers will put on immortality and never have to suffer pain of any kind again at long last.
I have gotten word earlier this morning that he is somehow twice as bad as he was when I saw him last week and to see his condition in person after seemingly losing his mind really shocked me and upset me for a while. Worse yet, others even closer to him in my family seem to be taking my grandfather's condition even worse emotionally. And it will probably be just as hurtful to them to see him when he dies, even if of course they will know somewhere in the back of their minds that it is better seeing as he will be out of pain. So I guess what I am asking is that you pray for those in my family who may be suffering emotionally because of this right now, and that my grandfather himself will suffer as little as possible before it is his time, or is somehow miraculously restored completely to full mental health.
And somehow amidst all this, it reveals how close to my family I still am even in adult age, in comparison to probably many families in this broken world. So I am grateful for that, that even in tough times I can feel close to them and tell them all about myself and my life when I see them every now and then, like with my random visits to family all around Chattanooga that I have done every year for the last five or so years. (My grandmother's sister, my great-aunt Naunie, for one, specifically cooked dinner for me in anticipation of my arrival at her house last Sunday. Likely because she knew how much I admired her for her ability to cook when I was smaller, so it was like she was doing a small but very precious favor for me just for coming to visit her.
) So yes, even with my reformed views of what life and death means in the Bible, which can seem more cynical on one hand for believers, I suppose I can still find some good in all this.
Thank you for listening, everyone. This boy playing dress-up in a knight's armor raises a sword to you in gratitude and respect.
My great-uncle Bill, on my mother's side, passed away from a heart attack after apparently several years of complications, just a few weeks ago. I was around him and the rest of the Haggard family (my grandmother's maiden name) a lot more when I was little, but pretty much since I entered college I hardly interacted with them. Nevertheless, I think I got along well with them and had a lot of good, kind of heart-to-heart talks when I saw them at the funeral and spent some time with them over dinner at my great-aunt Kathy's house, though. And Aunt Kathy herself seemed to be taking the loss well, thankfully. I can only hope it didn't shock her to wake up the next day and no longer have any family, particularly Uncle Bill, in her house.
But this is not all. Last week while I was in Chattanooga with some friends I took the time to go about and see my relatives who still live around that area, both on my father and my mother's side. Luckily all of my visits with them were warm and welcome, so I am grateful for that. (My Aunt Jean seems well enough, too, thankfully. Her health isn't at its peak, maybe, as she is pretty much confined to bed, but at least she does not seem to be in constant pain and her mind is still there. Please continue to pray for her, however, as she wishes to see a few more years of her life.)
But still, one visit made me pretty upset at the time. It is my grandfather on my mother's side, Lamar. He and my grandmother were very active in my sister's and my own lives for most of the thirty years I have lived. Six years ago my grandmother spiraled down to nothing from dementia and cancer. Honestly, while it certainly meant I could never go back to the days when I was younger and she lived her life to coddle my sister and I, I was grateful and relieved to see her die right in front of me. Because she seemed to be suffering greatly the last few days. In death I suppose one's sleep is not riddled with terrible nightmares, so as far as I am concerned, it was a relief when she closed her eyes. But now my grandfather seems to be going the same way. At first I did not worry too much because a couple of years ago he had simply broken his hip. It was successfully replaced and he could still get around on his own after that without too much trouble, it seemed. Still, since then it was too worrisome for him to stay in his house alone and try to take care of himself. And now in the last year with him losing his short-term memory, I can see why. He'd been living with my aunt Angie and uncle Rick (my mother's only brother) a few miles down the road in Ooltewah ever since, and from my last three or four visits before this most recent one last week I was not too saddened to see him like this, as at the very least I could still hold a decent conversation with him. I would have to answer the same basic small-talk questions four or five times in thirty minutes of talking, yes, but I guess in comparison to now, there was no reason for me to be that upset over it. It was just Alzheimer's. .... Not Alzheimer's and simply not knowing where he is, who he is, or anything at all. Depressing as this sounds, it's almost like he is both deaf and blind, mentally speaking, so if I were in his shoes, I would actually rather be one or the other than in his mental state. It was awful when I saw him last week. And it's obviously all the more exhausting for my aunt and uncle. He could not even talk straight. Most of his sentences came out as seeming gibberish, and I see a look on his face as he talks like there is a part of him that is actually aware of this, and his inability to just ... act normally saddens and upsets him, too. Just as bad, my aunt and uncle informed that, starting a few months ago, he would seemingly get very agitated and angry for no reason during the nighttime each day, as well as having episodes of wandering around the house or even being found outside as others in the house were asleep at night. This is no way to live. It really isn't. And I don't know of anyone who ever came back to sound mental health from this.
It dawns on me, seeing him like this, my Aunt Jean (although don't get me wrong; I am grateful she can talk and understand well, still), and my uncle Bill dying all in the space of just the last six or so months, that as an annihilationist who has forsaken the traditional view of a soul being a separate immortal entity that leaves the body at death and goes to an eternal realm of concious bliss or torment, I am more aware of mortality of the human being, now, and while it may mean I have a "softer" view on what it means for an unbeliever to die (Heaven forbid, I know. *rolls eyes*), it also means it is ... easier for me to be brought down by the death of those I love, too. I used to take it well, but that's because the mortality aspect did not bother me. After all, all my life I had been taught that they immediately go to Heaven to be happy forever after death ... virtually without the need to actually be resurrected from the dead when Jesus comes. So, no, on one hand while my conscience is eased no longer being afraid of this medieval carnival of torments called hell, it still hits me how depressing our mortality now can be. My Uncle Bill is asleep. Aunt Jean may soon be asleep, and she very mortally feels the sting of debilitating physical sickness right now, ... and it's only all the worse for my grandfather. Even his mind is mortal. And it's like being in his own personal traditional hell here on Earth. At least to me it is. Worse than earthly death.
I don't know what to ask you all to pray for, really. I mean, I felt better after leaving my aunt and uncle's house last Friday night and went back to my friends at the hotel as they were leaving to go out to dinner,and at that time, when a few asked me what was wrong from my probably somber-looking face, I explained the situation and they gave some encouragement that lightened my spirits a good bit. Still, if no one ever gets restored from Alzheimer's and other such diseases to live out their few remaining years ... normally, then as depressing as it may sound, isn't it better to just pass away to the grave, now? At least with the hope of being resurrected to eternal life one day, where believers will put on immortality and never have to suffer pain of any kind again at long last.
I have gotten word earlier this morning that he is somehow twice as bad as he was when I saw him last week and to see his condition in person after seemingly losing his mind really shocked me and upset me for a while. Worse yet, others even closer to him in my family seem to be taking my grandfather's condition even worse emotionally. And it will probably be just as hurtful to them to see him when he dies, even if of course they will know somewhere in the back of their minds that it is better seeing as he will be out of pain. So I guess what I am asking is that you pray for those in my family who may be suffering emotionally because of this right now, and that my grandfather himself will suffer as little as possible before it is his time, or is somehow miraculously restored completely to full mental health.
And somehow amidst all this, it reveals how close to my family I still am even in adult age, in comparison to probably many families in this broken world. So I am grateful for that, that even in tough times I can feel close to them and tell them all about myself and my life when I see them every now and then, like with my random visits to family all around Chattanooga that I have done every year for the last five or so years. (My grandmother's sister, my great-aunt Naunie, for one, specifically cooked dinner for me in anticipation of my arrival at her house last Sunday. Likely because she knew how much I admired her for her ability to cook when I was smaller, so it was like she was doing a small but very precious favor for me just for coming to visit her.
) So yes, even with my reformed views of what life and death means in the Bible, which can seem more cynical on one hand for believers, I suppose I can still find some good in all this.Thank you for listening, everyone. This boy playing dress-up in a knight's armor raises a sword to you in gratitude and respect.
