my faith is counterfeit? shipwrecked? how can i be sure

[Junia]

I became saved properly in 2006, as a 24 year old who had previously lived a strict and legalistic, fire and brimstone upbringing as re: God. I have strugled since my salvation with a religious form of OCD, known as Scruplosity as well as some other mental health conditions relating to complex trauma (my christian dad was born again but a broken man and abusive, so my concept of God has been shattered in mnay ways and am trying to unlearn a concept of a false angry God who hates me and wants to punish me). i used to have very bad panic and anxeity over reading the Bible and even going to church. certain worship songs would cause me to start to shake if i heard them and i would find it hard ot breathe

I was making progress up until recently- been battling low mood and self destructive tendancies again since lockdown. and been questioning and doubting myself again massively. even though since i been learning abput grace and being saved not by our works, also sealed in Christ until redemption (if we carry on in Him, persevere etc) which has helped me massively and beginning to realise God loves me and won;'t let me go, and seeing a good psychotherapist for trauma who is also a Christian (how cool is that? i know!) somehow th efeelings of emptiness and low mood are affecting me by causing me to doubt and analyse my faith.

Sometimes i used to hear voices telling me I have shipwrecked my faith and that the Holy Spirit i have in me is counterfeit. and i was thinking i was paast that. but lately i stupidly listened to a woman on Facebook who told me that only 2% of believers are going to heaven and even though i want to say to myself that it is rubbish, part of it has got under my skin.

what complicates this is part of my complex trauma issues and borderline personality disorder i have history of self harm. like used to do this very physically (since childhood) but also i sometimes put myself in situations where i am allowing others ot hurt me and tell me i am a rubbish christian....at the same time i am genuinely needing some reassurance. and i guess there is a need for crisi, for drama, because although i hate that, the emptiness i feel is horrible.

i know ma feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the bum! i feel like my mind is being attacked by satan. lately i been hearing a voice telling me i am on a broad way and that i am a fake, a fraud. when i try shar emy testimony quite often i have a sense that God angry with me for wantign to share? my father used to tell me not ot share my testimony as it was just attenion seeking and i need to keep quiet about my past.

this is probably the wrong place ot ask for prayer but i feeel am beng attacked. i am pretty sure God did a great job of setting me free from full blown OCD, o KNOW He has and these residual symptoms are just the devil trying to torment me. at least i know this, right?!

i will say that since being saved although am far from being a "good" christian, i can see real fruit in my life. i used to be a pretty unpleasant person, bitter, selfish, sometimes lash out at people. now i feel sorry for myself but i do have a tender heart as well. so i have no reason to doubt am saved. i have also been baptised and speak in tongues and can sometimes hear God very clearly for other people, both through His word and also the "rhema" word. i am not a pophetess in terms of it being an official position, but i do have a small gifting there, like many christians and i like to use it for God's glory. often i can sense something about a person and God will give me some info and they will be like "how di you know that about me? " or "i needed that" . am not special, and i dont feel a call to professional ministry full time at the moment (i need to mature a lot first) but i do know somehow i am of God.

and yet, i still feel a need to ask you guys to reassure me that these voices are not God and that am not some kind of antichrist? i know there are people on here far more deserving of help with real needs but i felt i had to post this. this morning on my Facebook feed, a dear fiend had posted warning that thos eo fus who consider ourselves "deconstructed" christians, progressive christians (i do, am in process of deconstructing from some of the very toxic beliefs i grew up with) need to be careful we are not of the antichrist if we are twisting scrioture to suit ourselves. i dont think i am doing that, and i dont intend to but now am thinking is God actualluy speaking to me??? am i an antichrist. my father used to say i was one, even after getting born again, because in the Evnagelical world i grew up in, i was seen as worldy and accused of being into secular humanism. i dont think i am, buti do believe all truth is God's truth ans that if it helps me (and as long as it is not violating scripture or from the occult) then it is ok. i also believe in suporting womens rights (not abortion but women should be able to leave a marriage that is unsafe or if their children are being harmed by their partner in any way, not just physically).... i suppose i beleive that God loves everyone but not everyone receives His gif of salvation... i was taught by my parents i had to be good enough for heaven...

 

[d taylor]

God speaks through the Bible not voices.
And a person assurance of Eternal Life is based on The Messiah and His promise. That if you believe in Him you have Eternal Life. That's it.

 

[Junia]

God speaks through the Bible not voices.
And a person assurance of Eternal Life is based on The Messiah and His promise. That if you believe in Him you have Eternal Life. That's it.

thank you

 

[Aussie Pete]

I became saved properly in 2006, as a 24 year old who had previously lived a strict and legalistic, fire and brimstone upbringing as re: God. I have strugled since my salvation with a religious form of OCD, known as Scruplosity as well as some other mental health conditions relating to complex trauma (my christian dad was born again but a broken man and abusive, so my concept of God has been shattered in mnay ways and am trying to unlearn a concept of a false angry God who hates me and wants to punish me). i used to have very bad panic and anxeity over reading the Bible and even going to church. certain worship songs would cause me to start to shake if i heard them and i would find it hard ot breathe

I was making progress up until recently- been battling low mood and self destructive tendancies again since lockdown. and been questioning and doubting myself again massively. even though since i been learning abput grace and being saved not by our works, also sealed in Christ until redemption (if we carry on in Him, persevere etc) which has helped me massively and beginning to realise God loves me and won;'t let me go, and seeing a good psychotherapist for trauma who is also a Christian (how cool is that? i know!) somehow th efeelings of emptiness and low mood are affecting me by causing me to doubt and analyse my faith.

Sometimes i used to hear voices telling me I have shipwrecked my faith and that the Holy Spirit i have in me is counterfeit. and i was thinking i was paast that. but lately i stupidly listened to a woman on Facebook who told me that only 2% of believers are going to heaven and even though i want to say to myself that it is rubbish, part of it has got under my skin.

what complicates this is part of my complex trauma issues and borderline personality disorder i have history of self harm. like used to do this very physically (since childhood) but also i sometimes put myself in situations where i am allowing others ot hurt me and tell me i am a rubbish christian....at the same time i am genuinely needing some reassurance. and i guess there is a need for crisi, for drama, because although i hate that, the emptiness i feel is horrible.

i know ma feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the bum! i feel like my mind is being attacked by satan. lately i been hearing a voice telling me i am on a broad way and that i am a fake, a fraud. when i try shar emy testimony quite often i have a sense that God angry with me for wantign to share? my father used to tell me not ot share my testimony as it was just attenion seeking and i need to keep quiet about my past.

this is probably the wrong place ot ask for prayer but i feeel am beng attacked. i am pretty sure God did a great job of setting me free from full blown OCD, o KNOW He has and these residual symptoms are just the devil trying to torment me. at least i know this, right?!

i will say that since being saved although am far from being a "good" christian, i can see real fruit in my life. i used to be a pretty unpleasant person, bitter, selfish, sometimes lash out at people. now i feel sorry for myself but i do have a tender heart as well. so i have no reason to doubt am saved. i have also been baptised and speak in tongues and can sometimes hear God very clearly for other people, both through His word and also the "rhema" word. i am not a pophetess in terms of it being an official position, but i do have a small gifting there, like many christians and i like to use it for God's glory. often i can sense something about a person and God will give me some info and they will be like "how di you know that about me? " or "i needed that" . am not special, and i dont feel a call to professional ministry full time at the moment (i need to mature a lot first) but i do know somehow i am of God.

and yet, i still feel a need to ask you guys to reassure me that these voices are not God and that am not some kind of antichrist? i know there are people on here far more deserving of help with real needs but i felt i had to post this. this morning on my Facebook feed, a dear fiend had posted warning that thos eo fus who consider ourselves "deconstructed" christians, progressive christians (i do, am in process of deconstructing from some of the very toxic beliefs i grew up with) need to be careful we are not of the antichrist if we are twisting scrioture to suit ourselves. i dont think i am doing that, and i dont intend to but now am thinking is God actualluy speaking to me??? am i an antichrist. my father used to say i was one, even after getting born again, because in the Evnagelical world i grew up in, i was seen as worldy and accused of being into secular humanism. i dont think i am, buti do believe all truth is God's truth ans that if it helps me (and as long as it is not violating scripture or from the occult) then it is ok. i also believe in suporting womens rights (not abortion but women should be able to leave a marriage that is unsafe or if their children are being harmed by their partner in any way, not just physically).... i suppose i beleive that God loves everyone but not everyone receives His gif of salvation... i was taught by my parents i had to be good enough for heaven...

I'd ignore the dear fiends if I were you. We need to know where thoughts are coming from. Did we choose to think the thought? OK, that is normal and acceptable. God does not communicate in our minds. He speaks, sometimes in words, more often in impressions, in our spirit. If it is not you, and not God, there is only one source left and that is evil spirits. Evil spirits have access to our minds. That's why we need to protect ourselves against lies and their attempts to deceive us.

The Truth will set us free. Keep focused on Christ crucified. Keep in front of you that you are a new creation, no matter how you feel. Ignore anyone else's opinion, or even your own opinions! Of course, if someone is speaking the truth to you, grab hold of it and don't let go.

Keep in mind that Satan only attacks those who he perceives to be a threat. I suggest that you get a copy of "War on the Saints" by Jesse Penn-Lewis. It will help you in the battle you are going through.

 

[Junia]

I'd ignore the dear fiends if I were you. We need to know where thoughts are coming from. Did we choose to think the thought? OK, that is normal and acceptable. God does not communicate in our minds. He speaks, sometimes in words, more often in impressions, in our spirit. If it is not you, and not God, there is only one source left and that is evil spirits. Evil spirits have access to our minds. That's why we need to protect ourselves against lies and their attempts to deceive us.

The Truth will set us free. Keep focused on Christ crucified. Keep in front of you that you are a new creation, no matter how you feel. Ignore anyone else's opinion, or even your own opinions! Of course, if someone is speaking the truth to you, grab hold of it and don't let go.

Keep in mind that Satan only attacks those who he perceives to be a threat. I suggest that you get a copy of "War on the Saints" by Jesse Penn-Lewis. It will help you in the battle you are going through.

thank you- i will try to find that book too

 

[venksta]

Hi WrappedUpinHisLove3.
First, you are loved by God. His "grace" is unlimited, undeserving, and unconditional. No matter what.

You've read about Paul, in the New Testament? He did awful things, to some of the very first believers in Jesus, who saw Christ with their very own eyes. This man, was so hateful towards these believers, he was making it his mission to wipe them off the face of the earth. Yet, Jesus confronted him on the road to Damascus, changed his life, and transformed him into a mighty servant, spreading the good news. I'm sure you have not committed anything nearly as bad as Paul did.

That fact you are here on the forums, shows us you have the Holy Spirit in you. The very evidence of your post here, with your heart seeking validation, is proof to me. The problem is the lies of the world, which have entangled God's truth in your heart.

To fight the lies, you are struggling with, you need to grow your relationship with God. The best two ways, is studying his word, in the Bible, and praying, talking to him. Talk to him about everything. And the more you study, and spend time getting to know Jesus, his ministry, and the works the apostles did, the more truth your heart will be built up on.

Also ask God to reveal, and continue to reveal his "agape" love for you, and for all his creation. God loves us all equally. Yes, he loves you no more, and no less, then myself, or anyone else here, or anyone who has yet to profess Christ as their Lord and Savior. God didn't just send his Son, to die for one person, or a select group. He sent his Son, to sacrifice his life, for the entire world.

 

[messianist]

Can you give an account of your salvation?

 

[Tolworth John]

still feel a need to ask you guys to reassure me that these voices are not God and that am not some kind of antichrist? i

The biggest indicator that you have not shipwrecked your faith, is that you are concerned you might have.

The lost do not care that they are lost.

D Taylor said it correctly, God does not speak to us through voices.

Remember you do not hold on to Jesus, but it is him holding onto you.
So no matter how low you feel, no matter how ' bad ' a Christian you think you are Jesus is holding on to you because of his unimaginable great love he has for you.

 

[Jamesone5]

I became saved properly in 2006, as a 24 year old who had previously lived a strict and legalistic, fire and brimstone upbringing as re: God. I have strugled since my salvation with a religious form of OCD, known as Scruplosity as well as some other mental health conditions relating to complex trauma (my christian dad was born again but a broken man and abusive, so my concept of God has been shattered in mnay ways and am trying to unlearn a concept of a false angry God who hates me and wants to punish me). i used to have very bad panic and anxeity over reading the Bible and even going to church. certain worship songs would cause me to start to shake if i heard them and i would find it hard ot breathe

I was making progress up until recently- been battling low mood and self destructive tendancies again since lockdown. and been questioning and doubting myself again massively. even though since i been learning abput grace and being saved not by our works, also sealed in Christ until redemption (if we carry on in Him, persevere etc) which has helped me massively and beginning to realise God loves me and won;'t let me go, and seeing a good psychotherapist for trauma who is also a Christian (how cool is that? i know!) somehow th efeelings of emptiness and low mood are affecting me by causing me to doubt and analyse my faith.

Sometimes i used to hear voices telling me I have shipwrecked my faith and that the Holy Spirit i have in me is counterfeit. and i was thinking i was paast that. but lately i stupidly listened to a woman on Facebook who told me that only 2% of believers are going to heaven and even though i want to say to myself that it is rubbish, part of it has got under my skin.

what complicates this is part of my complex trauma issues and borderline personality disorder i have history of self harm. like used to do this very physically (since childhood) but also i sometimes put myself in situations where i am allowing others ot hurt me and tell me i am a rubbish christian....at the same time i am genuinely needing some reassurance. and i guess there is a need for crisi, for drama, because although i hate that, the emptiness i feel is horrible.

i know ma feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the bum! i feel like my mind is being attacked by satan. lately i been hearing a voice telling me i am on a broad way and that i am a fake, a fraud. when i try shar emy testimony quite often i have a sense that God angry with me for wantign to share? my father used to tell me not ot share my testimony as it was just attenion seeking and i need to keep quiet about my past.

this is probably the wrong place ot ask for prayer but i feeel am beng attacked. i am pretty sure God did a great job of setting me free from full blown OCD, o KNOW He has and these residual symptoms are just the devil trying to torment me. at least i know this, right?!

i will say that since being saved although am far from being a "good" christian, i can see real fruit in my life. i used to be a pretty unpleasant person, bitter, selfish, sometimes lash out at people. now i feel sorry for myself but i do have a tender heart as well. so i have no reason to doubt am saved. i have also been baptised and speak in tongues and can sometimes hear God very clearly for other people, both through His word and also the "rhema" word. i am not a pophetess in terms of it being an official position, but i do have a small gifting there, like many christians and i like to use it for God's glory. often i can sense something about a person and God will give me some info and they will be like "how di you know that about me? " or "i needed that" . am not special, and i dont feel a call to professional ministry full time at the moment (i need to mature a lot first) but i do know somehow i am of God.

and yet, i still feel a need to ask you guys to reassure me that these voices are not God and that am not some kind of antichrist? i know there are people on here far more deserving of help with real needs but i felt i had to post this. this morning on my Facebook feed, a dear fiend had posted warning that thos eo fus who consider ourselves "deconstructed" christians, progressive christians (i do, am in process of deconstructing from some of the very toxic beliefs i grew up with) need to be careful we are not of the antichrist if we are twisting scrioture to suit ourselves. i dont think i am doing that, and i dont intend to but now am thinking is God actualluy speaking to me??? am i an antichrist. my father used to say i was one, even after getting born again, because in the Evnagelical world i grew up in, i was seen as worldy and accused of being into secular humanism. i dont think i am, buti do believe all truth is God's truth ans that if it helps me (and as long as it is not violating scripture or from the occult) then it is ok. i also believe in suporting womens rights (not abortion but women should be able to leave a marriage that is unsafe or if their children are being harmed by their partner in any way, not just physically).... i suppose i beleive that God loves everyone but not everyone receives His gif of salvation... i was taught by my parents i had to be good enough for heaven...

You refer to your concept of God being shattered at an early age by an abusive, born-again father.

To me that is my focus and you maybe have not addressed that matter fully.

Your story was partially similar to mine ----I grew up with a Mormon mother and an abusive father who was a Methodist at first.---he joined the Mormons church later where I actually baptized him as an elder. I essentially had no grounding of who God really was as my mother who insited I go to her Mormon chruch and then be ordained into the priesthoods. God or the true God finally led me out of that wacky Religion and learned to trust and find the True God.

The long and short of it is that you need to realize that God will reach you and make Himself known to you if you have a humble heart and even pray short prayers at first. He will reach you where you are and the concepts you learned at first about a God that is always looking to punish you are false. Remember your screen name and go with that concept that you are wrapped up in His Love.

Anyway==praying for you.

 

[visionary]

Put your finger on Rev 3:20 and ask for a face to face. Then start repenting of any sins brought to mind. Do not keep any sin between you and your encounter with God. Ask God to show you your sins that you might repent of them. Do not let up or stop until God shows Himself to you. May you be blessed to be in His Holy Presence. Isaiah when he had his one on one with God was overwhelmed, so do not be surprised to learn that even though you may have repented of all your sins brought before you, His Holiness is overwhelming. If you have any difficulty seeing something shown you as sin, ask God to explain it the way He sees it, understanding it, and then it will make sense to repent of it. God is faithful, He will come.

 

[Jamesone5]

I became saved properly in 2006, as a 24 year old who had previously lived a strict and legalistic, fire and brimstone upbringing as re: God. I have strugled since my salvation with a religious form of OCD, known as Scruplosity as well as some other mental health conditions relating to complex trauma (my christian dad was born again but a broken man and abusive, so my concept of God has been shattered in mnay ways and am trying to unlearn a concept of a false angry God who hates me and wants to punish me). i used to have very bad panic and anxeity over reading the Bible and even going to church. certain worship songs would cause me to start to shake if i heard them and i would find it hard ot breathe

I was making progress up until recently- been battling low mood and self destructive tendancies again since lockdown. and been questioning and doubting myself again massively. even though since i been learning abput grace and being saved not by our works, also sealed in Christ until redemption (if we carry on in Him, persevere etc) which has helped me massively and beginning to realise God loves me and won;'t let me go, and seeing a good psychotherapist for trauma who is also a Christian (how cool is that? i know!) somehow th efeelings of emptiness and low mood are affecting me by causing me to doubt and analyse my faith.

Sometimes i used to hear voices telling me I have shipwrecked my faith and that the Holy Spirit i have in me is counterfeit. and i was thinking i was paast that. but lately i stupidly listened to a woman on Facebook who told me that only 2% of believers are going to heaven and even though i want to say to myself that it is rubbish, part of it has got under my skin.

what complicates this is part of my complex trauma issues and borderline personality disorder i have history of self harm. like used to do this very physically (since childhood) but also i sometimes put myself in situations where i am allowing others ot hurt me and tell me i am a rubbish christian....at the same time i am genuinely needing some reassurance. and i guess there is a need for crisi, for drama, because although i hate that, the emptiness i feel is horrible.

i know ma feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the bum! i feel like my mind is being attacked by satan. lately i been hearing a voice telling me i am on a broad way and that i am a fake, a fraud. when i try shar emy testimony quite often i have a sense that God angry with me for wantign to share? my father used to tell me not ot share my testimony as it was just attenion seeking and i need to keep quiet about my past.

this is probably the wrong place ot ask for prayer but i feeel am beng attacked. i am pretty sure God did a great job of setting me free from full blown OCD, o KNOW He has and these residual symptoms are just the devil trying to torment me. at least i know this, right?!

i will say that since being saved although am far from being a "good" christian, i can see real fruit in my life. i used to be a pretty unpleasant person, bitter, selfish, sometimes lash out at people. now i feel sorry for myself but i do have a tender heart as well. so i have no reason to doubt am saved. i have also been baptised and speak in tongues and can sometimes hear God very clearly for other people, both through His word and also the "rhema" word. i am not a pophetess in terms of it being an official position, but i do have a small gifting there, like many christians and i like to use it for God's glory. often i can sense something about a person and God will give me some info and they will be like "how di you know that about me? " or "i needed that" . am not special, and i dont feel a call to professional ministry full time at the moment (i need to mature a lot first) but i do know somehow i am of God.

and yet, i still feel a need to ask you guys to reassure me that these voices are not God and that am not some kind of antichrist? i know there are people on here far more deserving of help with real needs but i felt i had to post this. this morning on my Facebook feed, a dear fiend had posted warning that thos eo fus who consider ourselves "deconstructed" christians, progressive christians (i do, am in process of deconstructing from some of the very toxic beliefs i grew up with) need to be careful we are not of the antichrist if we are twisting scrioture to suit ourselves. i dont think i am doing that, and i dont intend to but now am thinking is God actualluy speaking to me??? am i an antichrist. my father used to say i was one, even after getting born again, because in the Evnagelical world i grew up in, i was seen as worldy and accused of being into secular humanism. i dont think i am, buti do believe all truth is God's truth ans that if it helps me (and as long as it is not violating scripture or from the occult) then it is ok. i also believe in suporting womens rights (not abortion but women should be able to leave a marriage that is unsafe or if their children are being harmed by their partner in any way, not just physically).... i suppose i beleive that God loves everyone but not everyone receives His gif of salvation... i was taught by my parents i had to be good enough for heaven...

Just remember the closer it is that you get to the True God and His Love for you---you have essentially placed a target on your back for satan to throw darts at. I imagine that is where some of your dreams you relate and the negative thought are coming from. I used to listen to the Bible on the old cassette tapes at night when I slept and I still do with our modern technology at times. I use an I-Pad where I have downloaded the NKJV of the Bible onto.

I sleep restful, without any bad dreams and as you probably know the "Word does not come back to us void" {paraphrased Isaiah 55:11}

 

[Refirened]

.

​

 

[LookuntoYeshua]

Put your finger on Rev 3:20 and ask for a face to face. Then start repenting of any sins brought to mind. Do not keep any sin between you and your encounter with God. Ask God to show you your sins that you might repent of them. Do not let up or stop until God shows Himself to you. May you be blessed to be in His Holy Presence. Isaiah when he had his one on one with God was overwhelmed, so do not be surprised to learn that even though you may have repented of all your sins brought before you, His Holiness is overwhelming. If you have any difficulty seeing something shown you as sin, ask God to explain it the way He sees it, understanding it, and then it will make sense to repent of it. God is faithful, He will come.

When all these things befall you—the blessing and the curse that I have set before you—and you take them to heart amidst the various nations to which the LORD your God has banished you,
and you return to the LORD your God, and you and your children heed His command with all your heart and soul, just as I enjoin upon you this day,
then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and take you back in love. He will bring you together again from all the peoples where the LORD your God has scattered you.
Even if your outcasts are at the ends of the world, from there the LORD your God will gather you, from there He will fetch you.
And the LORD your God will bring you to the land that your fathers possessed, and you shall possess it; and He will make you more prosperous and more numerous than your fathers.
Then the LORD your God will open up your heart and the hearts of your offspring to love the LORD your God with all your heart and soul, in order that you may live.
The LORD your God will inflict all those curses upon the enemies and foes who persecuted you.
You, however, will again heed the LORD and obey all His commandments that I enjoin upon you this day.
And the LORD your God will grant you abounding prosperity in all your undertakings, in the issue of your womb, the offspring of your cattle, and the produce of your soil. For the LORD will again delight in your well-being, as He did in that of your fathers,
since you will be heeding the LORD your God and keeping His commandments and laws that are recorded in this book of the Teaching—once you return to the LORD your God with all your heart and soul.
Surely, this Instruction which I enjoin upon you this day is not too baffling for you, nor is it beyond reach.
It is not in the heavens, that you should say, “Who among us can go up to the heavens and get it for us and impart it to us, that we may observe it?”
Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, “Who among us can cross to the other side of the sea and get it for us and impart it to us, that we may observe it?”
No, the thing is very close to you, in your mouth and in your heart, to observe
See, I set before you this day life and prosperity, death and adversity.
For I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His laws, and His rules, that you may thrive and increase, and that the LORD your God may bless you in the land that you are about to enter and possess.
But if your heart turns away and you give no heed, and are lured into the worship and service of other gods,
I declare to you this day that you shall certainly perish; you shall not long endure on the soil that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.
I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life—if you and your offspring would live—
by loving the LORD your God, heeding His commands, and holding fast to Him. For thereby you shall have life and shall long endure upon the soil that the LORD swore to your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give to them.

 

[d taylor]

thank you

If you can get this book might be something that can help you.
Beyond Doubt: How to Be Sure of Your Salvation
by Shawn Lazar

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

I became saved properly in 2006, as a 24 year old who had previously lived a strict and legalistic, fire and brimstone upbringing as re: God. I have strugled since my salvation with a religious form of OCD, known as Scruplosity as well as some other mental health conditions relating to complex trauma (my christian dad was born again but a broken man and abusive, so my concept of God has been shattered in mnay ways and am trying to unlearn a concept of a false angry God who hates me and wants to punish me). i used to have very bad panic and anxeity over reading the Bible and even going to church. certain worship songs would cause me to start to shake if i heard them and i would find it hard ot breathe

I was making progress up until recently- been battling low mood and self destructive tendancies again since lockdown. and been questioning and doubting myself again massively. even though since i been learning abput grace and being saved not by our works, also sealed in Christ until redemption (if we carry on in Him, persevere etc) which has helped me massively and beginning to realise God loves me and won;'t let me go, and seeing a good psychotherapist for trauma who is also a Christian (how cool is that? i know!) somehow th efeelings of emptiness and low mood are affecting me by causing me to doubt and analyse my faith.

Sometimes i used to hear voices telling me I have shipwrecked my faith and that the Holy Spirit i have in me is counterfeit. and i was thinking i was paast that. but lately i stupidly listened to a woman on Facebook who told me that only 2% of believers are going to heaven and even though i want to say to myself that it is rubbish, part of it has got under my skin.

what complicates this is part of my complex trauma issues and borderline personality disorder i have history of self harm. like used to do this very physically (since childhood) but also i sometimes put myself in situations where i am allowing others ot hurt me and tell me i am a rubbish christian....at the same time i am genuinely needing some reassurance. and i guess there is a need for crisi, for drama, because although i hate that, the emptiness i feel is horrible.

i know ma feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the bum! i feel like my mind is being attacked by satan. lately i been hearing a voice telling me i am on a broad way and that i am a fake, a fraud. when i try shar emy testimony quite often i have a sense that God angry with me for wantign to share? my father used to tell me not ot share my testimony as it was just attenion seeking and i need to keep quiet about my past.

this is probably the wrong place ot ask for prayer but i feeel am beng attacked. i am pretty sure God did a great job of setting me free from full blown OCD, o KNOW He has and these residual symptoms are just the devil trying to torment me. at least i know this, right?!

i will say that since being saved although am far from being a "good" christian, i can see real fruit in my life. i used to be a pretty unpleasant person, bitter, selfish, sometimes lash out at people. now i feel sorry for myself but i do have a tender heart as well. so i have no reason to doubt am saved. i have also been baptised and speak in tongues and can sometimes hear God very clearly for other people, both through His word and also the "rhema" word. i am not a pophetess in terms of it being an official position, but i do have a small gifting there, like many christians and i like to use it for God's glory. often i can sense something about a person and God will give me some info and they will be like "how di you know that about me? " or "i needed that" . am not special, and i dont feel a call to professional ministry full time at the moment (i need to mature a lot first) but i do know somehow i am of God.

and yet, i still feel a need to ask you guys to reassure me that these voices are not God and that am not some kind of antichrist? i know there are people on here far more deserving of help with real needs but i felt i had to post this. this morning on my Facebook feed, a dear fiend had posted warning that thos eo fus who consider ourselves "deconstructed" christians, progressive christians (i do, am in process of deconstructing from some of the very toxic beliefs i grew up with) need to be careful we are not of the antichrist if we are twisting scrioture to suit ourselves. i dont think i am doing that, and i dont intend to but now am thinking is God actualluy speaking to me??? am i an antichrist. my father used to say i was one, even after getting born again, because in the Evnagelical world i grew up in, i was seen as worldy and accused of being into secular humanism. i dont think i am, buti do believe all truth is God's truth ans that if it helps me (and as long as it is not violating scripture or from the occult) then it is ok. i also believe in suporting womens rights (not abortion but women should be able to leave a marriage that is unsafe or if their children are being harmed by their partner in any way, not just physically).... i suppose i beleive that God loves everyone but not everyone receives His gif of salvation... i was taught by my parents i had to be good enough for heaven...

Hello, I have similar problems always worrying what my heart is truly worshipping..
Your mind doesn’t equal reality. Your intentions and heart do.
Praise the Lord, He will guard you.
It’s not always the devil attacking, something it’s the flesh
For the flesh still wants to sin, but your Spirit does not want to sin.
Of course we need to wait for the fruit to grow.
I’m on the same road, but trust in the unshakable Rock, Christ, not the storm (your thoughts)

 

[Junia]

Can you give an account of your salvation?

yes i have a testimony and a drastic change from how i was before i got saved

 

[messianist]

yes i have a testimony and a drastic change from how i was before i got saved

What is your testimony?

 

[Junia]

What is your testimony?

was raised in a strict Evangrlical christian fire and brimstone environment. there was a lot of abuse there from my father who was in ministry. i hated God. from an early age i knew Jesus didnt love or approve of me. i saw visions of him even as a 7 year old with His face angry and scowling at me. i had an evil little heart, full of bitterness and anger and pain. i kept of trying to be a christian, by my own efforts (didnt know about God's grace. as for God being aloving father? well, i went to a christian youth camp and they told me God was a loving father. i was like "no way! i already have a father, life wihth him is hel, i dont want another one." age 13 i got baptised by full immersion as that was the right thing to do but by age 16 i went away from God utterly

i was caught up in a world of ever increasing sin, mental illness and addiction. i nearly ended up dead by suicide several times. things carried on and then age 24 one day i was feeling so much regret over my sins and i just decided to repent of them...something powerful was convicting me and i started repenting. selfishness, greed, fear, insecurity etc i was very powerfully convicted. i was recovering from a bad epsiode of metnal illness (have had problems with that since early in life) and had been unable to engage with the world or do anything but suddenly al i wanted to do was read the Bible and pray.... it took many months but fuits of the spirit began manifesting in my life and i joined a good church and was mentored there.

so i was saved but the trouble ws i still di dnot understand that salvation was only through the blood of Jesus. i had by now had some glimpses of God's love shown to me but i still had this picture of God in my head as a tyrant, an abuser, who wanted to punish me for the every little mistake and i worked very hard to get pure again before God. spiritually the gifts were flwoing, tongues, prophecy etc and my behaviour towards others was changed- i started to realy care about others and pray for them

the years went on but by about 2012 things started to go sour. oh i was stilll very much going hard for Jesus but i still had this sense i wasnt good enough for Heaven. i had always had OCD but until i began living for Jesus it had not started to manifest in this particular eway befpre- obsession with heaven or hewll, feeling i had to continually "get saved" b y repeating sinners prayer etc i was constantly hearing voices in my mind telling me i wasnt praying hard enough, etc i began to have all kinds of weird thoughts about mabe i was folowing an evil spirit, not Jesus...i end up very sick iis th elong and short of it. too much to detail here

i was manifesting fruots of goodness, kindness, gentleness erc but no joy, peace, patience etc i was such a mess. the medication i was on wasnt helping me. i had many failed exorcisms also and my church felt helpess as they didn't know what to do with me!

i got deceived that i had to practice old testament ceremonial laws, food laws, hair coverign etc. reading the Bible gave me panic attacks and i no longer felt safe in church. i had forgiven my father and my other abusers (i had several) but the trauma issues and fear had not really gone. i couldnt sleep because if i laid down and slept, what if i died in my sleep and ended up in hell? i was always giving away money i couldnt afford so God would accept me and i was "doing enough" for the kingdom.

one day i was contacted by a lady on Facebook who wanted to add me to her group- a group that was focused on God's grace and our identity in Christ. i wanted it so badly but i just could not receive this teaching... but i carried on for a couple years. by august 2015 my sister and i were booked to go away to north cornwall. my sister is a strong believer. we went away together and one day she told me God had told her something for me.... she knew very litle of my struggles, so i know this was God. she told me Jesus wanted me to know that not only were my past sins forgiven but all of them were paid for and that the certain sins i had worried about that i could never put right or make restitution for- He had forgiven them alredy and i had to receive it. i did....this was the beginning of freedom...a month later someone at church said they were doing a basic salvation course and she felt it woudl answer my questions. well i went and they used materials written by a preacher who was active in the 70s and 80s (sadly died young at end of 80s) and he used traditional Greek (Koine Greek) which New testament written in, and he was explaining the atonement, what actually happened at the cross and something clicked inside me and i knew i had never really understood what salvation meant- that it was not my work at all but Christ's. and i needed to receive that. i had an issue with something being round my neck, had had it since being saved, felt like asnake on my throat choking me. i fasted lunch every day for 3 days (doesnt sound like much but i am prediabetic) and then this thing left! sometimes it tries to come back if i am listenign to lies of the enemy telling me am not good enough?

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I became saved properly in 2006, as a 24 year old who had previously lived a strict and legalistic, fire and brimstone upbringing as re: God. I have strugled since my salvation with a religious form of OCD, known as Scruplosity as well as some other mental health conditions relating to complex trauma (my christian dad was born again but a broken man and abusive, so my concept of God has been shattered in mnay ways and am trying to unlearn a concept of a false angry God who hates me and wants to punish me). i used to have very bad panic and anxeity over reading the Bible and even going to church. certain worship songs would cause me to start to shake if i heard them and i would find it hard ot breathe

I was making progress up until recently- been battling low mood and self destructive tendancies again since lockdown. and been questioning and doubting myself again massively. even though since i been learning abput grace and being saved not by our works, also sealed in Christ until redemption (if we carry on in Him, persevere etc) which has helped me massively and beginning to realise God loves me and won;'t let me go, and seeing a good psychotherapist for trauma who is also a Christian (how cool is that? i know!) somehow th efeelings of emptiness and low mood are affecting me by causing me to doubt and analyse my faith.

Sometimes i used to hear voices telling me I have shipwrecked my faith and that the Holy Spirit i have in me is counterfeit. and i was thinking i was paast that. but lately i stupidly listened to a woman on Facebook who told me that only 2% of believers are going to heaven and even though i want to say to myself that it is rubbish, part of it has got under my skin.

what complicates this is part of my complex trauma issues and borderline personality disorder i have history of self harm. like used to do this very physically (since childhood) but also i sometimes put myself in situations where i am allowing others ot hurt me and tell me i am a rubbish christian....at the same time i am genuinely needing some reassurance. and i guess there is a need for crisi, for drama, because although i hate that, the emptiness i feel is horrible.

i know ma feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the bum! i feel like my mind is being attacked by satan. lately i been hearing a voice telling me i am on a broad way and that i am a fake, a fraud. when i try shar emy testimony quite often i have a sense that God angry with me for wantign to share? my father used to tell me not ot share my testimony as it was just attenion seeking and i need to keep quiet about my past.

this is probably the wrong place ot ask for prayer but i feeel am beng attacked. i am pretty sure God did a great job of setting me free from full blown OCD, o KNOW He has and these residual symptoms are just the devil trying to torment me. at least i know this, right?!

i will say that since being saved although am far from being a "good" christian, i can see real fruit in my life. i used to be a pretty unpleasant person, bitter, selfish, sometimes lash out at people. now i feel sorry for myself but i do have a tender heart as well. so i have no reason to doubt am saved. i have also been baptised and speak in tongues and can sometimes hear God very clearly for other people, both through His word and also the "rhema" word. i am not a pophetess in terms of it being an official position, but i do have a small gifting there, like many christians and i like to use it for God's glory. often i can sense something about a person and God will give me some info and they will be like "how di you know that about me? " or "i needed that" . am not special, and i dont feel a call to professional ministry full time at the moment (i need to mature a lot first) but i do know somehow i am of God.

and yet, i still feel a need to ask you guys to reassure me that these voices are not God and that am not some kind of antichrist? i know there are people on here far more deserving of help with real needs but i felt i had to post this. this morning on my Facebook feed, a dear fiend had posted warning that thos eo fus who consider ourselves "deconstructed" christians, progressive christians (i do, am in process of deconstructing from some of the very toxic beliefs i grew up with) need to be careful we are not of the antichrist if we are twisting scrioture to suit ourselves. i dont think i am doing that, and i dont intend to but now am thinking is God actualluy speaking to me??? am i an antichrist. my father used to say i was one, even after getting born again, because in the Evnagelical world i grew up in, i was seen as worldy and accused of being into secular humanism. i dont think i am, buti do believe all truth is God's truth ans that if it helps me (and as long as it is not violating scripture or from the occult) then it is ok. i also believe in suporting womens rights (not abortion but women should be able to leave a marriage that is unsafe or if their children are being harmed by their partner in any way, not just physically).... i suppose i beleive that God loves everyone but not everyone receives His gif of salvation... i was taught by my parents i had to be good enough for heaven...

I believe that your faith is genuine. Just be careful to use the word of God, as your guide post. Don't deviate from it.

Also you mentioned that you were "trying" to learn to hear from God. I believe there is nothing wrong with that, God can speak to us, and even in an audible way. For me this is rare, but he has done it from time to time. Just be careful not to believe every thing your hear. For the devil can mimic God. I am not saying the encouraging things that your hear are not God, just be careful when entering this area. The bible tells to avoid pride, pride can come in when we are trying to hear from God, just remain humble and know that it is possible to hear some deceptive messages. It just pays to be cautious, not rush into things.

Keep following the LORD, and as the bible says:

Php 3:15 Then let us all, who have come to full growth, be of this mind: and if in anything you are of a different mind, even this will God make clear to you:

God will gently clear up anything lacking in your faith over time.