- Aug 3, 2009
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I'm sure many know, I have been having issues regarding my salvation. I'm working on the beginning on the 3rd year of my severe doubting.
I've come to the point where I realized something. I do not, to a large degree, care about holiness. Let me clarify myself before you assume too much.
I have been self-deceived, I believe, into self-righteousness, and double mindedness. Although, I cannot be self-deceived if I realize the deception. So, I don't know what to call it. I've been reading Søren Kierkegaard's "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing."
Despite some disliking towards the man and his existentialism, he makes some very valid points in his book, and I believe, largely, is agreeing with the Epistle of James.
I have come to notice that my willing to be pure is not because I love God and that I want to be pure for our Spiritual Husband. But, rather, that I wish to appear to be what I am not. Peaceful, pure of lust, single minded (as Kierkegaard says, to will the good), long suffering, kind, and having self-control. I want to be like Christ. Not necessarily because I want to for be Holy for God, but because I want to be Holy for myself.
Despite this, if there are times I want to be holy for God, it is because I am fearful of punishment. I do, at times, however, have a "Jesus loves me, so I want to do this because I love him," in mind, but when tempted, this is never in my mind.
I do not know what any of this makes me. I've taken comfort in times past knowing that Christ was sufficient. And I do believe this. However, I was comforted because I knew only Christ's death could cover me. But, as I am beginning to see with new eyes, Christ's death not only covers me from punishment, it saves me from sin, presently, and I am not experiencing that salvation from sin.
I have been taking comfort in the doctrines of Hyper-Calvinism. That is, removing all responsibility from salvation on man. I've followed the likes of John Gill, Don Fortner, and others. Perhaps it is their teaching, but I did not see the responsibility for man.
Now, I do not say this to mean that man is responsible to save themselves. But rather, that God provides grace to His elect to not only have faith, but to conduct themselves in a holy manner, if not unto perfection. I do not know if perfection is possible in this life, but when I read some of the Epistles, it sure sounds like some of the Apostles -- post conversion -- were pretty dang close. That is:
I am beginning to realize that Christ is sufficient for salvation, but that Christ, in His grace, gives us faith, repentance, calls us to prayer, etc. all by His grace, and that man is ultimately responsible by God's grace as Martyr said:
Ultimately, I am confused why I delight in any holiness. And yet, I find, in my heart of hearts, I do not long for holiness. Because if I did, I have God's grace readily dispensed for me to avoid sins I am tempted to do. Yet, I willfully and consciously give into them.
I, again, come before all of you in confession of my wickedness, wickedness that I do not feel I have, nor do I feel any of this is said in contrition. And I come before you all for your prayers. Please.
Thank you.
I've come to the point where I realized something. I do not, to a large degree, care about holiness. Let me clarify myself before you assume too much.
I have been self-deceived, I believe, into self-righteousness, and double mindedness. Although, I cannot be self-deceived if I realize the deception. So, I don't know what to call it. I've been reading Søren Kierkegaard's "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing."
Despite some disliking towards the man and his existentialism, he makes some very valid points in his book, and I believe, largely, is agreeing with the Epistle of James.
I have come to notice that my willing to be pure is not because I love God and that I want to be pure for our Spiritual Husband. But, rather, that I wish to appear to be what I am not. Peaceful, pure of lust, single minded (as Kierkegaard says, to will the good), long suffering, kind, and having self-control. I want to be like Christ. Not necessarily because I want to for be Holy for God, but because I want to be Holy for myself.
Despite this, if there are times I want to be holy for God, it is because I am fearful of punishment. I do, at times, however, have a "Jesus loves me, so I want to do this because I love him," in mind, but when tempted, this is never in my mind.
I do not know what any of this makes me. I've taken comfort in times past knowing that Christ was sufficient. And I do believe this. However, I was comforted because I knew only Christ's death could cover me. But, as I am beginning to see with new eyes, Christ's death not only covers me from punishment, it saves me from sin, presently, and I am not experiencing that salvation from sin.
I have been taking comfort in the doctrines of Hyper-Calvinism. That is, removing all responsibility from salvation on man. I've followed the likes of John Gill, Don Fortner, and others. Perhaps it is their teaching, but I did not see the responsibility for man.
Now, I do not say this to mean that man is responsible to save themselves. But rather, that God provides grace to His elect to not only have faith, but to conduct themselves in a holy manner, if not unto perfection. I do not know if perfection is possible in this life, but when I read some of the Epistles, it sure sounds like some of the Apostles -- post conversion -- were pretty dang close. That is:
CANON 6. If anyone says that God has mercy upon us when, apart from his grace, we believe, will, desire, strive, labor, pray, watch, study, seek, ask, or knock, but does not confess that it is by the infusion and inspiration of the Holy Spirit within us that we have the faith, the will, or the strength to do all these things as we ought; or if anyone makes the assistance of grace depend on the humility or obedience of man and does not agree that it is a gift of grace itself that we are obedient and humble, he contradicts the Apostle who says, "What have you that you did not receive?" (1 Cor. 4:7), and, "But by the grace of God I am what I am" (1 Cor. 15:10).
CANON 7. If anyone affirms that we can form any right opinion or make any right choice which relates to the salvation of eternal life, as is expedient for us, or that we can be saved, that is, assent to the preaching of the gospel through our natural powers without the illumination and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, who makes all men gladly assent to and believe in the truth, he is led astray by a heretical spirit, and does not understand the voice of God who says in the Gospel, "For apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), and the word of the Apostle, "Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).
CANON 8. If anyone maintains that some are able to come to the grace of baptism by mercy but others through free will, which has manifestly been corrupted in all those who have been born after the transgression of the first man, it is proof that he has no place in the true faith. For he denies that the free will of all men has been weakened through the sin of the first man, or at least holds that it has been affected in such a way that they have still the ability to seek the mystery of eternal salvation by themselves without the revelation of God. The Lord himself shows how contradictory this is by declaring that no one is able to come to him "unless the Father who sent me draws him" (John 6:44), as he also says to Peter, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven" (Matt. 16:17), and as the Apostle says, "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except by the Holy Spirit" (1 Cor. 12:3).
-Council of Orange (529 AD) Source: Historic Church Documents at Reformed.org
CANON 7. If anyone affirms that we can form any right opinion or make any right choice which relates to the salvation of eternal life, as is expedient for us, or that we can be saved, that is, assent to the preaching of the gospel through our natural powers without the illumination and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, who makes all men gladly assent to and believe in the truth, he is led astray by a heretical spirit, and does not understand the voice of God who says in the Gospel, "For apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), and the word of the Apostle, "Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).
CANON 8. If anyone maintains that some are able to come to the grace of baptism by mercy but others through free will, which has manifestly been corrupted in all those who have been born after the transgression of the first man, it is proof that he has no place in the true faith. For he denies that the free will of all men has been weakened through the sin of the first man, or at least holds that it has been affected in such a way that they have still the ability to seek the mystery of eternal salvation by themselves without the revelation of God. The Lord himself shows how contradictory this is by declaring that no one is able to come to him "unless the Father who sent me draws him" (John 6:44), as he also says to Peter, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven" (Matt. 16:17), and as the Apostle says, "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except by the Holy Spirit" (1 Cor. 12:3).
-Council of Orange (529 AD) Source: Historic Church Documents at Reformed.org
I am beginning to realize that Christ is sufficient for salvation, but that Christ, in His grace, gives us faith, repentance, calls us to prayer, etc. all by His grace, and that man is ultimately responsible by God's grace as Martyr said:
Unless the human race has the power of avoiding evil and choosing good by free choice, they are not responsible for their actions.
(Justin Martyr, 160 AD, 1.177)
(Justin Martyr, 160 AD, 1.177)
Ultimately, I am confused why I delight in any holiness. And yet, I find, in my heart of hearts, I do not long for holiness. Because if I did, I have God's grace readily dispensed for me to avoid sins I am tempted to do. Yet, I willfully and consciously give into them.
I, again, come before all of you in confession of my wickedness, wickedness that I do not feel I have, nor do I feel any of this is said in contrition. And I come before you all for your prayers. Please.
Thank you.