My dad is taking on too much

[Heartofsilver]

Hello everyone,

My dad has been working since he was nine after his family lost everything due to being sued. They almost lost a business that they ran after my grandpa suddenly died at a young age. He used to an alcoholic and worked very hard to provide. My parents eventually got married, my dad became sober, and became a workoholic. He started his own business which has taken off well, though that is all he usually does. Due to his life experiences and addiction to working we barely know our dad and barely get to spend time with him. He also has had many affairs and is still currently in one or more today which upsets and effects all of us which he denies it is even happening or that it has ever happened. We have been talking to him about how much he is working at his age and he really needs to lighten the load. He is older now and works a very hard labor job on a constant basis. His work is his passion and what he lives for, but he is out of control.

Last month, I was going to my parent's house to print something important , because my printer is broken. My dad had previously talked about us having dinner together. I had a bad feeling about coming over, but I came over anyway when I should have just turned around. Almost every time I feel like something bad is about to happen, it usually does. I get over there and my dad suddenly says that he wanted me to drive to the carwash, so that he could teach me how to use it. I told him that it wasn't a good day that day since, I was feeling sick, I just drove through bad traffic, and told him that we could do it another time, plus my dad makes me very nervous when i drive while I'm already an anxious driver. He refused to listen to any of it and made me drive him to the carwash anyway. We get there and he is acting very impatient and rude for some reason. We end up heading to dinner and at some point while I was driving he kept telling me to go to the left, so I did. He kept saying left, so I eventually ended up in the left turning lane. My dad violently forces half his body towards my side of the car and grabs the wheel. Another car comes up beside us and I slammed on the brakes, so that he couldn't slam into the car next to us. When this happened, he busted my thumbnail which hasn't grown correctly since, he also messed up the levers of my headlights and windshield wipers, he did this so violently. So I freaked out and was trying not to have a panic attack behind the wheel. I had to pull over in the parking lot to calm down. My dad kept asking me if we were going to dinner and I told him that I need a few minutes to calm down and then I'll drive us there. He just said "whatever, I'm walking home." He got out of the car and I cried my eyes out. I called my aunt to tell her what was going on. He soon came back and thought I was on the phone with the police, so he freaked out. My aunt told to let him back into the car. When I did all he did was tell me to take him to dinner and I told him that I wasn't going to dinner with him. He drove us to his place, so that he could take his van to dinner. He was mean to me the whole way home.

Later on, when I brought up my sister helping me to drive on the freeway which is a plan that we had already talked about and set into play. He said "why don't you let me take you out on the freeway?" When I said no, he replied "afraid I'll grab the wheel"? Which at this I plugged my ears, because I didn't want to hear anymore negativity and my other sister who has anger issues came in and started verbally attacking me, which after getting her to calm down we eventually had a coherent talk. I told my therapist all of this and she just told me that next time I'm with my family to just bring my own car.

 

[Danielwright2311]

My advice is not to air your family problems to the world

its not fair to your dad.

 

[Debp]

Everything together is very stressful for you, I can understand that. So you needed to talk to someone about it, besides your counselor.
It seems your dad really needs the Lord, so pray for him and try to love him. You don't need to drive with him as that was very dangerous behavior he displayed.
I hope your counselor is a Christian.
For your own benefit, try reading some of the Psalms each day in a quiet place....let some of those verses go down into your heart. This can be a healing balm for you. Also, remember God your Heavenly Father loves you.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Everything together is very stressful for you, I can understand that. So you needed to talk to someone about it, besides your counselor.
It seems your dad really needs the Lord, so pray for him and try to love him. You don't need to drive with him as that was very dangerous behavior he displayed.
I hope your counselor is a Christian.
For your own benefit, try reading some of the Psalms each day in a quiet place....let some of those verses go down into your heart. This can be a healing balm for you. Also, remember God your Heavenly Father loves you.

Thank God and thank you for sharing and talking to me about this. Though my counselor is a Christian, we didn't go too in depth about what to do about me struggling with my anger towards my dad and how to find the way back to having an easily forgiving heart like I used to have. Life has been bombarding me lately which has made things really hard these past two years. I already told my dad I won't be driving with him and my therapist agrees. He makes the situation too dangerous and then tries to act like and say that it wasn't as bad as it was when it was as bad as it was.

 

[God bless Joshua]

Your father seems a lot better than the one i used to have, but he has passed away a long long time and may God forgive everything he did.

 

[Debp]

Maybe when you start to get angry about your dad, try praying right then and say that you will forgive and love your dad. Try this instead of letting the anger grow. If you keep doing this, I think it will lessen the anger and help you to forgive your dad more.
Always remember you don't have to love people's bad actions but we should still love them. Learn to separate what they do bad from them as a person....admit you don't like the action but do seek to love them.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Maybe when you start to get angry about your dad, try praying right then and say that you will forgive and love your dad. Try this instead of letting the anger grow. If you keep doing this, I think it will lessen the anger and help you to forgive your dad more.
Always remember you don't have to love people's bad actions but we should still love them. Learn to separate what they do bad from them as a person....admit you don't like the action but do seek to love them.

Thank God and thank you for sharing all of this with me. I have been praying to forgive, but it has been a process. Though I may fearing what could happen on this Hawaiian trip that we are about to go on. I'm praying for God's protection and for it to go well. It is very true what you are saying. I should try to prevent my anger from growing somehow, it is only through God that I can.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Your father seems a lot better than the one i used to have, but he has passed away a long long time and may God forgive everything he did.

I'm sorry to hear about this hun, I'm glad that through God you have found the heart to forgive him.

 

[Debp]

Thank God and thank you for sharing all of this with me. I have been praying to forgive, but it has been a process. Though I may fearing what could happen on this Hawaiian trip that we are about to go on. I'm praying for God's protection and for it to go well. It is very true what you are saying. I should try to prevent my anger from growing somehow, it is only through God that I can.

Hi, glad it has been of help to you! How wonderful you are going on a Hawaiian vacation...what a blessing!

 

[akaDaScribe]

Hello everyone,

My dad has been working since he was nine after his family lost everything due to being sued. They almost lost a business that they ran after my grandpa suddenly died at a young age. He used to an alcoholic and worked very hard to provide. My parents eventually got married, my dad became sober, and became a workoholic. He started his own business which has taken off well, though that is all he usually does. Due to his life experiences and addiction to working we barely know our dad and barely get to spend time with him. He also has had many affairs and is still currently in one or more today which upsets and effects all of us which he denies it is even happening or that it has ever happened. We have been talking to him about how much he is working at his age and he really needs to lighten the load. He is older now and works a very hard labor job on a constant basis. His work is his passion and what he lives for, but he is out of control.

Last month, I was going to my parent's house to print something important , because my printer is broken. My dad had previously talked about us having dinner together. I had a bad feeling about coming over, but I came over anyway when I should have just turned around. Almost every time I feel like something bad is about to happen, it usually does. I get over there and my dad suddenly says that he wanted me to drive to the carwash, so that he could teach me how to use it. I told him that it wasn't a good day that day since, I was feeling sick, I just drove through bad traffic, and told him that we could do it another time, plus my dad makes me very nervous when i drive while I'm already an anxious driver. He refused to listen to any of it and made me drive him to the carwash anyway. We get there and he is acting very impatient and rude for some reason. We end up heading to dinner and at some point while I was driving he kept telling me to go to the left, so I did. He kept saying left, so I eventually ended up in the left turning lane. My dad violently forces half his body towards my side of the car and grabs the wheel. Another car comes up beside us and I slammed on the brakes, so that he couldn't slam into the car next to us. When this happened, he busted my thumbnail which hasn't grown correctly since, he also messed up the levers of my headlights and windshield wipers, he did this so violently. So I freaked out and was trying not to have a panic attack behind the wheel. I had to pull over in the parking lot to calm down. My dad kept asking me if we were going to dinner and I told him that I need a few minutes to calm down and then I'll drive us there. He just said "whatever, I'm walking home." He got out of the car and I cried my eyes out. I called my aunt to tell her what was going on. He soon came back and thought I was on the phone with the police, so he freaked out. My aunt told to let him back into the car. When I did all he did was tell me to take him to dinner and I told him that I wasn't going to dinner with him. He drove us to his place, so that he could take his van to dinner. He was mean to me the whole way home.

Later on, when I brought up my sister helping me to drive on the freeway which is a plan that we had already talked about and set into play. He said "why don't you let me take you out on the freeway?" When I said no, he replied "afraid I'll grab the wheel"? Which at this I plugged my ears, because I didn't want to hear anymore negativity and my other sister who has anger issues came in and started verbally attacking me, which after getting her to calm down we eventually had a coherent talk. I told my therapist all of this and she just told me that next time I'm with my family to just bring my own car.

I agree with your counselor about the car. I'm curious how she feels about the vacation trip. I'd say you may be better off having the funding to handle your situation on your own if you need to.

 

[God bless Joshua]

I'm sorry to hear about this hun, I'm glad that through God you have found the heart to forgive him.

Life is like a passing wind and in a blink of the eyes he descended like all of us will.

 

[Heartofsilver]

I agree with your counselor about the car. I'm curious how she feels about the vacation trip. I'd say you may be better off having the funding to handle your situation on your own if you need to.

Yeah, so do I. She is happy about the family vacation, which I'm happy to go back to Hawaii and be there with my whole family. Though, I don't remember ever having a good vacation with them, so every time we go on vacation together I'm dreading it. My parents fight, they abuse us, we as siblings fight, though my sister with anger issues takes it to the next level. This is as I've mentioned, I'm afraid of my dad doing something to me on this trip. I have been so worried and afraid about it that I feel like I slowly falling back into a depression that I got out of recently, which this started soon after my dad attacked me. It seemed like soon after God had helped me the devil swooped in with am attack from my dad to reel me back in again along with another incident or two that happened with a friend and a guy I went out on a few dates with that went wrong which also caused me to feel anger, bitterness, and resentment. My dad attacking me threw me much farther in though. Every time I look down at my thumb I remember what he did to me I'm upset all over again. It is very hard to stop thinking about it, especially since the abuse from my parents is ongoing, though my dad does it rarely, he still does it here and there. I am afraid of it getting worse as he gets older. He also keeps bringing up what happened and I'm praying that he doesn't on this trip. I'm glad that my other sister and her boyfriend will be there, since I'll be mainly hanging around them. I'm also trying to pray when I think of what my dad did, though I don't always, since it's hard to stop thinking about it especially when I'm not doing something.

I had a flashback while typing this trying to remember if we ever had a good vacation together and I thought that we had one until I suddenly remembered that my mom invited her friend to come with us who was our teenage next door neighbor who got on top of me and squeezed my nose very hard. I was a child when she did this and my parent's barely did anything about it. I told my cousin who was there with us I think and she did something back to our neighbor and my neighbor let me do something back to her as well. My parents barely did anything about this. My mom has continued throughout the years to allow her young friends to abuse me in all different ways and bully me. This has mostly ended after moving out.

 

[ValleyGal]

Your dad became sober and then became an alcoholic. Iow, he has addictions. One addiction replaced another, but neither are healthy. Addictions are very hard on families, who usually end up in a co-dependent relationship with them. They do this because they are trying to avoid the wrath of the person who is not happily "using". For an alcoholic, "using" is akin to drinking; for a workaholic, "using" is actively working. So your dad will likely be edgy on vacation because he won't be using. It will be like he is in withdrawals. Not a pretty phase for the families of addicts. They would often rather the addict return to the unhealthy behaviour just so they don't have to experience the person during this phase. Or they will seek out any way to appease the addict so as to avoid their withdrawal symptoms.

From the little I know about addictions, every single one of them uses unhealthy ways of coping with past trauma or deep wounds. Your dad is not coming from a place that intentionally wants to hurt you; he is hurt, therefore he is hurting other people. He likely doesn't know a better way, and if he does, then no one showed him how to use the better way. Have a compassionate heart for your dad... he has very deep wounds that he has no idea how to live with.

That does not excuse his behaviour to you, and since you can't change him, you can certainly change how you respond to him. End the codependency. You don't have to walk on eggshells around him.

The same is true of anyone who tries to bully you. You are not a small child anymore. You drive and it appears you do not live with your family anymore. If anyone speaks disrespectfully to you - including your dad bringing up the driving incident - you can simply say "I would be glad to engage in this conversation when you are able to communicate respectfully. Yelling is not respectful. Arguing is not respectful, and bringing up the past driving incident is not respectful. So when you can have a normal conversation, you know where to find me." and then walk away. If you buy into their unhealthy patterns, you are perpetuating the very thing you want to end.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Lesson I learned...don't vacation with or hang out with people...including family
if you are being disrespected/bullied/emotionally or physically abused.
If you keep vacationing/hanging out with them you are giving them your
(silent) approval to keep doing that to you.

 

[Lady O]

It's easy for a man to bury himself in work - it provides a great hiding place to keep him away from confronting other real life issues. Working is a place of escape.

Anger can be so volatile and catch us off guard. No one plans on being angry. But when we are being manipulated, or someone has crossed the line and violated our boundaries, anger becomes a normal reaction. When those intense emotions involve our family members, there is often times the tendency to protect - all for the sake of maintaining the relationship and avoid getting blamed for any further conflicts.

It sounds like you are doing your utmost best to respect your father, and stay open to any changes that could happen. But during this waiting period, you'll need to protect yourself also. That could mean keeping a healthy distance from him, or choosing more carefully what you say "yes" to.

Have you given yourself permission to stay out of harm's way? That you have the option to protect yourself - emotionally and spiritually? There is a battle going on, and it might be good to consider how God can build you up as a person before any more potential danger occurs.

Do you have someone in your church you respect and look up to? Someone you trust> Someone you can confide in? I think once you feel emotionally connected to a safe source, you can begin to look at your situation a bit differently. I will be praying God helps you navigate your way through these vulnerable relationships, and that you will find the strength to make decisions that will be best for your own personal growth.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.