My Confession

[angelsword]

I wanted to get this out and off my chest because a lot of people don’t like to confess their faults. I am sometimes very rebellious, and I don’t like people to have to correct me when I'm wrong. I am guilty of the sin of pride!



I wanted to confess this because there is something I want very badly, a blessing that God showed me is pending, but He won’t release it until I straighten up my act.
I knew something was in my way, but I couldn’t figure out what it was! Now that I think about it, if I was more humble, I might not have been inclined to make so many foolish and dumb mistakes. ‘Pride goes before a fall!’ By being proud I gave whoever it was blocking me the power to do so!



Now, in correlation with this, I have been accused of being stupid in my life many times and also I have been accused of being gay. It never bothered me to be accused of being gay because I’m not, but it bothered me tremendously when people said I did dumb things….because I did some super colossal dump things!



The irony is that, sometimes I wonder if God allowed me (I said allow folks, God didn’t do it to me; I did it to myself!) to make silly mistakes to level me off because I am so intelligent.



The same people who first met me told me that, when they got to know me, I wasn’t as dumb as they thought! Ha!



Naturally this bothered me, so I took it to the Lord in prayer! He explained to me that I had an innocent face and to a lot of people, innocence equals stupidity! Well, that helped me to figure that out!



God told me a few years ago that I was the only person who was stopping me from getting what I want. No witch, or principalities, or powers or anything could stop me because I was blessed with determination and faith. So, after I asked God to clear my path of evil (because I was being blocked), I asked God to clear me up!



This was good! I made up my mind two nights ago and walked boldly before the throne of grace. I reminded God of his promises and told him I wasn’t going to stop coming to him until I got what I wanted. He gave me my answer. Thank you Lord!

Now I know it is up to me and nothing can stop me because God gave the go ahead, I confessed and will try my hardest, and my blessing is right around the corner. ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins!‘

 

[Dondi]

So did you get what you asked for?

More to the point, did you ask what YOU wanted, or what HE wanted for you to have? It might be the same thing, but then it might not. I'm not trying to get you to doubt. Just be sure you don't ask amiss (James 4:3).

 

[angelsword]

So did you get what you asked for?

More to the point, did you ask what YOU wanted, or what HE wanted for you to have? It might be the same thing, but then it might not. I'm not trying to get you to doubt. Just be sure you don't ask amiss (James 4:3).

I just called a female friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a long time. Almost everything I have been going through for the past year and a half she (and others) have been going through the same thing!

It was a beautiful confermation from God that I would get me hearts desire, because both our desire (mine, my friends and God's will for us ) is to reach people through our talents!

I gloried in her testimony because it was great confirmation. It was like she said: Relax and it will come to you.
I feel good because someone contacted me who is in connection with what I am working on. Praise God!

 

[Dondi]

Well, amen to that!

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I want to ask for your prayers for myself as well, because I am guilty of racist sins. As a child, I was humiliated as a "black-ass*d" in Russia, initially some Nazis even threatened me with violence because I was not sure who I was by nationality (in Russia the term nationality is identical to ethnicity. For example: a Russian, a Chechen and a Jew can be Russian citizens, but each of them has different nationality according to Russian standards). When I grew up, I took on the spirit of these Nazis and racists and began to behave like them in order to be as strong and confident as they are, so I hated Caucasians (immigrants from Caucasus. In Russia after the 90s there has been hostility between many ethnic Russians and native people from the Caucasus region, many of whom are also citizens of Russia. This hatred was provoked by the unfriendly attitude of many Russians towards Caucasians, identifying them with Chechens, on the one hand; and the antisocial, dishonest behavior of many Caucasians in business and on the street. This ethnical tensions take place mainly in Moscow and Sint-Petersburg), I said the Nazi salute to the antichrist H*tler twice, verbally behaved myself as anti-Semite, humiliated dark-skinned people (two times vulgar name-calling, at least), fair-haired (this was only in words in order to make a shocking impression on others. By the way, there is a somewhat scornful word in Russian for that (белобрысый). I learned this word in Voronezh, where there are relatively few fair-haired people), considered myself belonging to some "great nation" with whom I am not connected (The reason for this was given to me by my father a long time ago. Once, as a child, I asked him "What is your nationality?" He replied "I'm Persian," while his Soviet passport said "Tajik." In 2002, I came up with a crazy idea to develop this delusion. And I am very ashamed of that. All the more so because in the refugee camp, I heard about cases of hostility between Afghans and Iranians. I suppose that they are at enmity with each other precisely because they are at loggerheads over to whom belongs their in many respects so common history and cultural and linguistic heritage). I have never been a racist or anti-Semite at heart, but nevertheless behaved in such a way in order to be strong and confident as the Russian Nazis who humiliated me utterly. I testify that racism, anti-Semitism and everything like that is evil, the sin of misanthropy, I renounce this evil and ask for your prayers so that I can cleanse my subconscious mind of the evil that I let into myself. (This was approximately 20 years ago).

In childhood I sinned with outright blasphemy. I took the icon of Jesus and began to blaspheme God with swearwords. I still feel a certain split in myself and I am tormented by the involuntary repetition of these blasphemous words against God in my mind. I ask for your prayers so that I may receive the forgiveness from God of this sin and release from this torment that I am struggling with. (This sin I committed approximately 25 years ago)

I sinned by believing in dreams (most of which are from demons), reading a dream book, a book on white magic, believing in omens.

I tried to confess my sins to God before the priest in a confession, but I also hope that public confession will help me as well. I acknowledge that I deserve hell because of my sins, even if I didn't really mean what I said then. So I humble my pride before the holy cross of Jesus and ask God to forgive me and to renew a right spirit within me, to change my nature form old man to new Christ-like man of God and to accept me into His kingdom. For more confession and details about my life read my life story in this section
My dramatical story and the quest for God

See also another confession of mine I want to confess something and pray | OrthodoxChristianity.net

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I sinned in words (idle talk, palaver, murmur, complaining about life, evil-speaking about others, swearing, causing others to sin in words, bawdry, obscenities, bragging, lying, name-calling, mockeries, sinful laughter, grumpiness, incitement, blasphemy, remembrance of the name of God in vain, loutishness, flattery, sycophancy, meanness, cowardice in behaviour, sins of imagination, perjury, breaking promises, uttering disgust, hiding things of my mind...).
As a child, I loved to lie to my peers that I had a plane and I could fly to America (in the 90s, people in Russia thought of America with envy and admiration as a very rich and prestigious country), that I had a secret room at home. I liked to falsely boast in front of them of my father as a very rich man. Once I memorized part of a verse, recited it to my father and attributed the authorship to myself. I did all this because I grew up in poverty, not only material but also spiritual. And in order to somehow mitigate this state of my insignificant person, I used a lie so that they thought of me that I was something of myself as the son of a rich father. I also once wrote a letter to Santa Claus (Father Frost), a character I believed in, and asked him to give me a girlfriend and big muscles. I don't know exactly where and to whom this stupid letter got and who read it, but I am very ashamed of all these autistic stupidities. This is also similar to the Muslim concept of happiness, but I didn't realize it at the time.

At school, I lied to teachers and looked them straight in the eyes to look honest. When we arrived in Holland, my parents and I told everyone the lie that we were refugees from Afghanistan. At first I did it because my father forced me to lie, otherwise threatening with physical violence. But when he left, I also continued to lie, because I was used to it and did not consider it a sin.
I am also sinful in idle talk, verbosity, obscene and sinful humor. In order to impress others, I falsely called myself a Buddhist, an idolater, a homosexual, a Muslim ... I liked telling all kinds of these lies about myself so that my interlocutors would reprove me of it. I think I had been led by demons, the inventors of lies.
Later, when I used to go to church, in the church building after the services, when we enjoyed tea and meals together, I also talked sometimes much in idle spirit. I learned a lot of my way of talking and telling lies from my mother.

When we lived in a refugee camp, at first I confronted my evil father, taking beatings from him. Then I began to flatter him. I told him what my mother was gossiping about him with neighbors from Azerbaijan, and how she humiliated him and all Afghans in the process. I also told him about her former lover in Russia, Yuri, and testified to the intimate relationship between them. And although I told the truth, but my goal was to turn him against her, and it worked because there were light beatings, but one day he almost killed her if the neighbors had not stopped him when he wanted to kick the door to her room. This I did in vengeance for the evil I suffered from my mother and in order to break the unity and friendship of my parents and neighbors against me.

I don't remember swearing often, but I made others swear. In Voronezh, I liked to command my peers in the yard and told them who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. One of my laws was not to be friends with girls. I don't know from where I got such an outward hostility towards the female gender. Maybe I was influenced by the Islamic religion through my father. And probably I tried to be pious in the Muslim sense (without realizing it) and keep my reputation by behaving in this way. And I forced my peers around the yard to swear to me by God, by the death of their mother on this and other occasions.


I condemn myself for all my shameful and stupid sins. I sincerely thank the Lord Jesus Christ for His great patience and time for repentance. Brothers and sisters, forgive me, a sinner, pray for me, and be witnesses of my honest repentance on God's Judgment Day

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I sinned in slander, insult, condemnation, resentment, snitching, complaining about others, contributing to the sins of others, impudence, cynicism, threats...

As a child, I yelled with swearwords at my mother. I think it started when she left her father and us, her two children, because she didn't get along with my father. Let me explain the background so that everything is clear. As my father Sher Mohammed told me, my Russian mother Inna Vladimirovna extremely humiliated herself for a long time in front of him, wanting to make him her boyfriend when he lived in a hostel as a student from Afghanistan. In the end, he took pity on her, and after I was born from their prodigal copulation, they entered into a civil marriage. But after two months of cohabitation, she began to annoy him with hysterical behavior and let him know that she did not want him anymore, told him to find another girl for himself. I myself saw how my father beat my mother with slippers and all the time reproached himself that he had married her, intending to get a divorce the next day. His mother constantly annoyed him, walking around the room in holey panties, and in response to his reproaches cynically said, “it’s shameful for those on whom it is seen, but on me it’s not seen.” But even when they lived separately in the 90s, she once went to the police with her father and falsely slandered her husband that he brought some kind of white powder, deliberately hinting that he allegedly had been selling drugs. After that, my father suffered from surveillance, which was organized by the police against him. But it was later, and before that, one day in the early 90s, she ran away from cohabitation with my father to one of her relatives in Moscow. But then she came back, I don't know exactly why. Maybe she took pity on us? What was on her mind, I don't know. Maybe she had no one to live with in Moscow.

When she came back, she came back different, so I didn't recognize her. During her absence, my father gave away our poodle dog Tilda to someone. And when she returned, she rudely told me “why did you give Tilda away?”, to which I replied, “Mom, I didn’t give it away, it’s dad.” But she behaved strangely at this, again repeating “why did you give Tilda away?” Since that moment, mutual understanding and kinship on a psychic level have been broken forever between us. Having suffered such a senseless insult, some time later I began to yell obscenities at her, condemning her as a harlot, a prostitute and saying other Russian obscenities (although I myself did not understand what these words meant). This was my sin before God, even if I myself was a victim of her inhuman and cruel treatment of me. I thank the Lord God who tolerated me. Then, after a while, I managed to stop it at the cost of inner remorse and trying not to do it, but later, in 2000-2001, when we were in a refugee camp in the Netherlands, I resumed this habit again, following the example of my father. At this time, I also yelled at her with Afghan swearwords, which I quickly learned from my father, although I myself did not speak his language. I regret that I did not seek a way to do better. I also regret all other cases of insulting other people with obscenities and bad words. Brothers and sisters, forgive me and pray for me. Pray for me also that I may be honest in my confession, without belittling anything, without hiding anything shameful. For I am greatly hindered by the shame of telling my story.
Now I try to bless as much as possible and not curse. So may God bless you all!

By the way, I could find one photo of my father on internet.

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

My sins of gluttony: overeating, overdrinking, edacity, voracity, gourmandizing, insatiability, rapacity, greediness for food and consumerism, drunkenness, secret eating, breaking fasts, love for tableful, drunkenness, smoking.

I constantly sinned with gluttony, a great many times overfilled my stomach with good food. I always loved to eat and drink tasty, sweet, varied and much food. I still struggle with this food craving. Maybe gluttony was my way of making up for the love and warmth I didn't get from my parents. Maybe this was my way of being happy, which I really lacked, although this is not happiness. In the "family" where I grew up, it was never customary to eat together at the table. Everyone ate separately or haphazardly. So I could eat very often a day, which caused my heartburn in my throat. My mother rarely cooked tasty food, usually she did it not with love, and this was another reason for my desire to eat delicious food. When she cooked or did other things she was busy with her problems and secret plans in her mind.

I broke the fasts, even eating meat in fasting. I don’t remember that I once feasted with joy, but I loved visiting people with my father to have a delicious meal at the table (in Russia it is customary to arrange a tableful with a variety of food and alcoholic drinks for guests). I thank God that I never went to discos and got drunk there beer, because I don’t understand this way of entertainment (except once in early 2000 when I was there with my Afghan peer in the Schalkhaar refugee camp. During very loud music, I just repeated his body movements and it was funny for others to see us). Thank God, I was not addicted to drunkenness, but occasionally I tried vodka (which is why I once swore at my brother), and in Holland I tried beer, as well as wine, especially when I visited the parish of St. Nectarios and Fr. Silouan Osseel from Belgium arranged meals with wine after the Vespers. I am very grateful for his hospitality towards me, but it was not good for me to drink wine. But may the good Lord reward him for his goodness of heart and hospitality. And once, when I was in Crete during my idle journey there, I got drunk with wine to a drunken state. And although moderate drinking is not considered a sin in Christian traditions, I nevertheless repent before God that I generally drank alcoholic beverages without needing them. I justified my use by the fact that Jesus also drank wine, and also by the need to somehow relax (I learned in the brochures of Jehovah's Witnesses that people drink to relax). I repent that I came to this, adopting the way of life of the people of this world, and not the saints of God.

Once, as a child, my peer and I found cigarettes on the street and he suggested me to smoke. I tried twice to suck in that nasty smoke. I thank the good God who provides for me, that I did not feel anything from this and never understood the need for smoking.

Refugee camp Schalkhaar

Now I strive to love God more than good food and to thank Him always for good food as His good gift, which gives me a reason to remember His goodness, without misusing it to satisfy my egotism. I caught myself on a thought: "It's not known what will happen after we die: whether we will be saved or not. So let's enjoy this life and eat sometimes an especially tasty delicious food." To this thought I replied: Yes, I am still struggling to be saved from damnation in hell by God's grace, but nevertheless I'm striving for my salvation with a firm hope of getting it. So let me be patient and wait for the Kingdom of God, where God will give me rest and all the joy of eternal life that He wants to give me. There I will enjoy life without the need to be cautious. Pray for me that I might be able to be moderate in consuming food.

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I sinned with laziness, negligence, self-justification, stubbornness, inattention, oblivion, sleeping too much, idleness, despondency, carelessness, cowardice, weak will, sluggishness, sloppiness, parasitism, obstinacy, irresponsibility, apathy, hotness in religion not according to reason, coldness and lukewarmness in the spiritual.

Like with gluttony, I constantly sinned with laziness. My parents never prepared me for the future. For my father, I was not his own child and he did not care about me. And my mother also didn’t care a red cent for my upbringing, she thought everything will be alright by itself. Therefore, no one accustomed me to work or the need to study well. I did not have the meaning of life and the motivation to study, so I did not study, despite the fact that I went to school. I just sat at my desk and copied everything that was written on the blackboard, without understanding it.

In 2002-2003, I was very impudent towards my mentor Ada van Belkom (may God reward her for her great patience). I was rude to her, argued with her, arrogantly treated her, called her a fool, violated the discipline of the lesson with excessive conceited remarks. At the end of 2002, I was especially tormented by the sin of despondency. I often thought about suicide or euthanasia over myself. It was also connected with the fact that I was in love with an Armenian girl, Haikuhi Gregorian. I let her know it with my eccentric behavior. At the beginning of the new school year in August 2002, she and her sister Astghik apparently expected me as a man to approach her and start a relationship, but I was afraid to approach the girl. My parents didn't teach me this. Secondly, I was very ashamed of my mother. I was afraid that if I had a bride or started a family, my mother would disgrace me in front of my wife with her immoral behavior and way of thinking. And that thought was terrible for me. For these two reasons, I hesitated to approach the girls I was in love with. And although I never seriously talked with Haikuhi, the understanding came to my mind that I grieved her with my giddiness, changeability. I myself spiritually suffered from this irresponsibility of mine, because I expected that my happiness would come to me by itself and I did not need to work for it. I thank God that I did not commit the mortal sin of suicide. In that year I also suffered spiritually from listening to some vigorous Persian music, trying in this way to connect to my “ancestral roots,” because my mother and some other white Russians would ridicule me if I would dare to call myself a Russian. And this was proven later.

As a child, I once and for all ran away from pool swimming courses because of my cowardice, thinking that it was time for exams. Later, I repeated this sin: In 2002, I took a course in driving a moped (although I did not plan to have one), but when the time came for the exam, I simply did not take part of it, afraid of difficulties and being sure of my failure. The teacher and students waited for me in vain, but I didn't care. This is how I sinned with irresponsibility, cowardice, fearfulness and laziness. I loved to eat with pleasure, without having to work for it. I called myself king in front of my parents.

In general, that 2002 was a very difficult year for me. I also suffered from feelings of Russian nationalism and imperialism in myself, although I did not openly call myself as a Russian. But I liked it when others called me Russian. This is due to the fact that having joined the Russian Orthodox Church in February 2002, I adopted the spirit of ethno-phyletism, the sickness of the Orthodox Church in general and so I wanted to feel myself Russian by joining the orthodox church.

In 2003, at the age of 18, I left school and simply lived on refugee allowances, without any way to earn my living. I regret it, I was wrong. When I lived with my father there, I had a certain motivation to live and develop, despite the fact that he beat me, and when he left, I felt even worse and I became much more indifferent to life, even though I didn’t miss my father emotionally, because of his cruelty (may God forgive him). The hell that was in the soul of my immoral mother, she passed on to me (may God forgive her). And that was my problem. I became even worse than her.

2004 and the first half of 2005 in the Leek refugee camp was for me the darkest period of parasitic lifestyle. Abandoning school, I simply sat at home, read spiritual literature, masturbated, ate, slept and indulged in despondency. I went every week to a Russian Orthodox church in the city of Groningen at the same time, but I lived like a moral freak. Once I excommunicated myself from communion for six months because of the passion for masturbation, but this only aggravated my deplorable state. I also regret that I stopped attending services in the Orthodox Church of St. Panteleimon in the village of Kollumerpomp every month. Instead, I chose to be alone with my thoughts, painful, shameful memories and feelings and avoid people. Alas, the rector of St. Transfiguration parish in Groningen could not guide me on the right path of repentance, holiness and pleasing God, because he himself was not "the Right Reverend Father", although it is customary to address persons with such a spiritual rank as “Your Right Reverence” (Ваше высокопреподобие).

I remember that I liked chopping wood when I lived on the territory of the monastery in Asten. But later, in the summer of 2010, when Mother Mary offered me to do this job during my school break, I declined, indulging myself in preparation for studies, which did not bring me any success. I repent about it. When I got my own housing, I had to live on unemployment benefit for a while until they helped me to get a job. Alas, I could not find a satisfactory occupation for myself during that period, and suffered from a sense of the meaninglessness of life.


Now I want to correct myself, overcome my laziness with asceticism and any meaningful occupation. Especially singing the worship hymns with talented Greek singers on internet, helps me a lot. Praise be to God for that. I try to be responsible before God and I appreciate every good gift from above, trying to be worthy receiver of it. I openly confess my sins to innocent persons whom I ever offended or whose reputation I harmed. And I realize that my way of life impacts the whole of the world or humanity. And so I feel myself responsible for the world as part of the human race, like a Roman soldier with a sense of responsibility for the existence of the empire, and that urges me to stop sinning and with God’s power through a virtuous, watchful way of life win over the demons who occupy the human hearts because of our unovercomed fallen state of sin. Please forgive me my wretchedness. May God bless and forgive you too.

orthodox church in Kollumerpomp, province of Friesland.

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I sinned with theft, stinginess, self-interest, wastefulness, greed

I don’t remember that I violated the state law by stealing seriously, but in my childhood it was like that. I once stole one small toy (car) from my friends Boris and Kirill and then didn’t even play with it, but threw it into the water-reservoir (the Voronezh water-reservoir is part of the Voronezh River at its confluence with the Don. It was built in 1972. And in 90s it was polluted, so that it was impossible to swim therein). Apparently, I could not rejoice, having a stolen thing in my possession, but I could not confess what I had done, because I was ashamed. Later I used to steal a small sum of money from my father when he brought me to his apartment for the weekend and when I sat and waited for him in his car. And I spent this money for my own pleasure. I extorted money from my mother with my restless whining. I also helped the theft, extortion and violent robbery of some of my peers against another (Sergey Lisítskih) and approved it by my consent.

The big industrial water reservoir of Voronezh.

One day a friend of mine (Sergey Shapoválov) gave me some money to keep, I don't know why he did it. But I could not resist the temptation and spent this money on myself, buying for myself ice cream.

But perhaps my main sin of stealing was the sin of assisting my parents in their humiliating lies to get shelter in Holland. This is because a refugee who has the right to shelter in Holland is considered to be a person who experienced mortal danger from other people in his country, that is, the refugees are people who fled from a real war or political persecution. In our situation, this was not the case in the 1990s. So when we were traveling to Germany at night in a bus and passing the city of Minsk in Belarus, I had a nightmare that gave me a foretaste of the terrible future that awaited me in a refugee camp in cohabitation with my parents. I heard in it how someone said "The thief must be punished." I did not understand and still do not know who this thief was. Maybe it was about my father? I don’t know. I only know that back in the evening, when we drove from my father’s apartment in Voronezh in the car of his friend “colonel” to the rail station to go to Moscow, and from there by bus to Germany, his Afghan friends and business partners Atik and Khalil came to my father that evening. The three of them drank much vodka. And when the “colonel” was already taking us to the station, my father told him to stop. Then he got out and walked towards the car of Atik and Khalil behind us. Approaching them, he suddenly arranged a cruel scuffle with them, a fight. He smote one of them in the tooth, and they broke him his rib. At the same time, at the end of the fight, Atik called him a thief. And maybe it was true, I don't know, but my father didn't tell anyone about the reason for his decision to start a fight. Thanks to the fact that they were stopped by a policeman who happened to be nearby, we were able to continue on our way.

Refugee camp of Zevenaar, Netherlands. This is a place where the refugees arive and in a few days sent to different other camps across the country.

When I began to receive "my" money (it was unemployment benefits), then my sins of avarice and wastefulness began.

- Once I was offended by Mother Superior Maria (Hulsker) because she let me know that I was psychologically ill, and I must not get married (and in marriage with a beautiful woman I saw the whole meaning of my life back then). Holding such bitterness towards her, I stopped donating money to her monastery for a long time, contrary to what I had done before. I regret my unforgiveness.

- I once donated €300 in 2012 to scammers pretending to be ministers of the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem. The fact is that in the Orthodox Church there is a custom to pray for the Orthodox during the Divine Liturgy. In our church, it is customary to make special leavened bread (prosphora) for the Divine Liturgy. At the beginning of the liturgy (proskomidia) or during its entire time until the Great Entrance, the prosphora is located on a special table in the altar, called the “offer table”. The priest reads special prayers from the liturgical book (liturgicon) over the prosphora, in which he reads brief quotations from the prophecy of Isaiah about the sufferings of Jesus Christ, then he cuts out a large rectangular (or square) part of the prosphora (“Lamb”), symbolizing the atoning sacrifice and the body of Jesus Christ, then he commemorates Mother of God, various ranks of saints and specific saints with the removal of small particles of prosphora in their honor with the help of a “spear”. He puts these particles on a special liturgical saucer (discos). After the commemoration of the saints, he prays for the living and dead Orthodox Christians, also taking out particles from the prosphora and placing them on the diskos, as a way to include them in the celebration of the liturgy. When praying for them, he reads their names from special notes (diptychs) that believers bring to the church for the liturgy for this purpose. There they write the names of their living and deceased relatives and loved ones. After such a ritual prayer, the “Lamb” and all the particles are thrown into the cup with sacred wine, the sacred bread and wine he covers with a coverlay (“air”) and a “great entrance” begins, that is, the priest carries in his arms a sacred cup of wine (mixed with a small amount of water) and diskos with two other sacred utensils, leaves the altar from the northern side door, passes between the assembled people and the iconostasis of the altar, in the middle commemorates the ruling patriarch, the bishop, the govenment and those assembled, then returns to the altar through the side south door and places the holy offering on the other main table of the altar, called the ‘throne’. Then, after reading the creed and some other public prayers, these holy gifts are offered to God with a request to accept them on the heavenly altar of God and sanctify them. The Mother of God and the ranks of the saints and angels are commemorated again, as well as the blessings of God. Then the priest quotes the words of Jesus Christ from the gospel, which says that “this is my body (of Jesus) which is broken for you for the remission of sins” and “drink from it all, this is my blood of the New Testament, shed for you for the remission of sins.” Thus, the very essence of the liturgy is performed - the mysterious, invisible transformation of the sacred bread and wine into the real blood and flesh of Jesus Christ for the communion of priests and laity, in fulfillment of the commandment of Jesus to celebrate this supper in His remembrance. For us, this is the greatest and saving sacred thing, thanks to which we remain in the Church of Jesus Christ and affirm ourselves as Orthodox Christians.

In churches in Eastern Europe, the Balkans, Greece, it is customary to make such lists with names to commemorate the people at the liturgy. The parish or monastery accepts them for a small donation at a candle shop. You can also submit these lists of names so that the names on it will be commemorated 40 times within 40 days at the liturgy. In some cases such diptychs are accepted for each liturgy throughout the year. In such cases the price of the donation rises, so it costs more.

Symbols in Greek for 'Iisús Hristós niká' - Jesus Christ wins

So, there are some godless swindlers in Israel who pretend to be pious, church people serving at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. They have a website where they accept for a large sum of money such diptychs for a long period of time, which will then allegedly be read at the liturgy in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher (for the Orthodox this temple is a great shrine). However, from other sources on the Internet I learned that these people are deceivers and scammers. But before that, I sinned with wastefulness by donating €300 to them for the commemoration of two people in Jerusalem (Dorothea and Daria). Alas, it did not occur to me to check in other sources about this site of theirs and about who they are, whether they are reliable, whether they really are the pious, humble and God-fearing church ministers they claim to be. Alas, now I understand that this money did not go to the benefit of the church, but to scammers, and the names most likely were not commemorated anywhere. Maybe they justify it by saying that they make people happy by giving them hope, but it is based on lies and I repent for this gullibility, naivety and lack of faith in God. If I had real faith in God, then I would understand that I did not need to spend a lot of money on the commemoration of my loved ones in the Holy Land, because God can hear and fulfill my prayer for them everywhere. But alas, I suffered greatly from my stupid religiosity, materialism, ignorance and gullibility both to priests and other church laymen close to them. I perceived them as holy and sinless. And it was an unreal worldview.

- I spent about €900 on a dating agency of Eindhoven in 2015 so that they would find me a woman for a serious relationship, because I was greatly suffering from masturbation. And that money was also wasted.
Later, I succumbed to the deceptions of other scammers on various dating sites, but I never made friends with anyone and did not get any girlfriend. I also spent money on various other unimportant and unnecessary things because of my impulses of enthusiasm, for example, when I wasted money to learn the Afghan language of my father - Dari. For a large amount (€40) of money, I bought some kind of computer course on the Internet. But my disappointment was great when I found out that only some number of words were taught there, but there were no basic grammar lessons, so these courses were a useless entertainment trinket that was not worth that kind of money at all.

- I regret that in 2012 I went to Crete. I went there with the aim of getting to know a new country and gaining some new experience for myself and thus grow up. I didn't know exactly how I want to spend my two weeks of vacation there. At first I thought about walking around Crete, but then I realized that it would be better on a bicycle. I met many good people there (God bless them). One hotel owner in Rethymno even provided me with his sports bike to travel around Crete. I traveled on it around the central and eastern parts of the island. During this journey of mine, I had a kind of sad feeling that I was missing something in my life. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was wrong with my life. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to my relatives (brother and mother)? But I had nothing to talk about with them, because we have different aspirations in life and what is interesting for them to talk about is not interesting for me at all, and vice versa. They are completely worldly and live for themselves, and I was religious and tried to live by faith. But this is just a guess. In fact, I did not understand what this feeling was and from where and why it came to me in my heart. Only now I think that my problem was that I was not looking for an experiential knowledge of God and the development of a relationship with Him not at the level of an abstract understanding, but experiential understanding. Not only did I not know it, but I did not zealously seek ways to put an end to my masturbation and voluptuousness. While this life is given to us once and we need to live it worthily, coming to know ourselves and God, serving Him in this life and reconciling with Him, before we cross the threshold of eternity through death. Now I think that my sad feeling was from God - He was sad that I was living in vain, seeking my own pleasure. He was sad that my religiosity consisted only in reading morning and evening prayers, attending divine services once a week, relying on the prayers of priests, while the rest of the time I did not burn with love for God, but lived a worldly life, following the example of parish priests I knew.

In Crete I experienced other troubles as well. Once I stopped at a touristic monastery of Arkadiou. I wanted to participate in worship there and spend the night. I was allowed to spend the night in my tent near the monastery fence. There were 2 monks - one hieromonk and another a simple monk. Hieromonk turned out to be a very kind person. He even wanted to give me money to buy me food. May the Lord bless him. And the other monk was very inhospitable to me. When I tried to talk to him in Greek, he called one of their lay workers with tourists to ask me in English what I wanted. Thus he let me know that I was not his folk, but a stranger. And this was while I was making a large monetary donation to his monastery in front of his eyes, so that he would treat me with love. He also promised that he would open the door for me in the morning so that I could enter the church and participate in worship. But he didn't keep his word. I was internally very angry because of this and left the place with great annoyance and resentment. Maybe he treated me so badly because he thought I was an Asian refugee looking for a place for myself in Crete? May the Lord forgive and bless him. But I myself was to blame, because one priest suggested that I go to stay in a convent in the east of the island. And instead I went somewhere else. Thus I deprived myself of the blessing of God.

The Lord also saved me there from accidents when I was cycling on the motorway. One day I was driving through a tunnel and a car rushed past me at great speed. I could easily get hit to death by it, but the Lord had mercy and saved me. The Lord helped me to find a place to sleep in the places that I passed. One hotel owner treated me very kindly as his folk and made for me a discount in the price for a night stay. Like many other good people of Crete, he was kindhearted and didn’t discriminate me, even though I am not white person. May God remember their goodness and accept them in His Kingdom forever. But I am ashamed that I masturbated in the hotel of that kind man, maybe allowing the demons of Sodomite sin to have some kind of legal right in that place. I also spent the night in my tent in an open field where there was a goat pasture. The Lord kept me. Glory to the merciful God in the name of Jesus Christ. But I regret that I spent a lot of money on this trip. I was not happy there, because I was alone, without a spouse. I would rather stay at home and seek the path of an honest relationship with God and struggle with sin. But I was not capable of this, I was just sleeping spiritually, leading my worldly lifestyle.

- In addition to my sins of wastefulness, I sinned a lot with stinginess, greed. I did not give even a small alms to the beggars, condemning these people as dishonest drug addicts, alcoholics and parasites. Once I even ran away from a black man in a wheelchair who asked me for €2. I suffered because I did not have an experienced knowledge of God, Jesus Christ, and there was no role model for me, a teacher, because everyone around me lived a worldly life style, combining it with the stereotyped adherence to the Orthodox church tradition. Based on this tradition, these priests and hieromonks conducted their divine services and based on the experience and traditions of the elders they instructed people during confession. They simply followed their daily routine and relied in everything on their Orthodox tradition, which they considered as the most excellent. And so they hoped to be saved. So I perceive it, but my perception is not without errors. May God bless them anyways.

All these sins brought me much bitterness and sorrow. But I am grateful that I can learn something from suffering, in order to do the right or better things for the rest of my life. And I will be very happy if you can learn something from my mistakes and my experience will allow you to do something better as well. God bless you.

the town of Rethymno

Wonderful beach of Ierapetra, Crete

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I sinned with pride: self-conceit, self-will, self-exaltation, vainglory, arrogance, hypocrisy, contempt, shamelessness, blasphemy, ignorance.

Having nothing but a mother who did not work, but loved to develop and enjoy voluptuous fantasies in herself, I myself was much guilty of these shameful sins of fantasy, conceit, and arrogance based on nothing. I liked to imagine myself, for example, an English lord, I called myself a general, Napoleon, king, emperor, senator, tsar... and even a god (by analogy with the Greek gods).

Having a mother who was not submissive to anyone, I myself was not submissive to anyone (even though my parents demanded from me “obedience”), but followed only my own thoughts, which came to me from demons. I was closed on my egocentrism, unable to be honest and open with other people who were benevolent towards me. My mother was ashamed to confess her shameful sins to others, and she still is not willing and able to speak honestly and calmly with other people. She can only speak the language of violent, irrational emotions and has successfully exerted emotional pressure on others, thus achieving her goals. Her speech has an appearance of rational argumentation, but all its power is based on fierce emotions that don’t tolerate any disagreement. So I was not open to anyone myself, as if all the shame and disgrace of my mother was transferred to me and I hid it from others, not understanding myself what I was specifically hiding.

My mother didn't always humiliate me in front of others. Sometimes she praised me as a "very smart child." She did this for herself and her meta-message was as follows: “You see what a smart and decent child I raised up?! It means I deserve to live for my own pleasure as I want.” And I absorbed this lie. I thought that I had a very successful future, that I would become someone very successful and special, and that this happiness of mine would come by itself. But I was wrong. I spent more than 20 years masturbating, had no success in monastic life on Athos, my studies in Holland and private life; all my life was a psychological suffering which I didn’t understand myself. And only for the last 5 years I have been working as a simple worker (postman). May God bless my benefactors.

In the spirit of my mother, I inspired myself with elitist contempt for people who were not worthy of me as I regarded them. But actually I was a miserable, ignorant, uneducated person myself. I am much guilty of hypocrisy when I made myself before people look like a religious zealot of piety, and in secret from others I committed masturbation and watched inappropriate contentography films. When others found it out, I was very ashamed.
I also boasted with the clothes and other things that my father brought me from Germany.

I sinned with unforgiveness: vindictiveness, gloating, an attempt to revenge, damaging reputation of others.

I constantly suffered with resentment against those who humiliated me and for no reason or explanation caused me emotional and physical pain. First of all, these are those who humiliated me as a black-ass*d. I remember when Sergey Makashov publicly beat me and humiliated me in front of the whole school, I really wanted to take revenge on him with the help of magic. Of course, I did not practice any magic, but I heard that such a thing is possible. My mother interfered with my plans, although she did not care for me after that incident, she did not give a straw about me and even treated me with a mockery when I cried from emotional pain.

In 2018, I suffered another terrible emotional blow. Once, from one of my teachers at school, where I studied for care for the elderly and sick people (Helping assistance of care and well-being), I accidentally heard about a wellness resort. This is a place where there are saunas, a Turkish bath, a swimming pool, a massage parlor, a restaurant, recreational facilities and other wellness facilities. Over the past 6-7 years, I have visited many such places, because I really needed rest and massage from a woman's hand. I chose to go to women masseuses because I really needed female affection (no fornication), being single. In such health-improving centers, I could enjoy such a massage. In my city of Helmond there is one such center (Blue (formerly Vitae) Wellness resort).

I was very happy with this place and the rest that I got there from the saunas and the gentle female hand. I still thank God for this blessing. But on September 13, the manager Tessy Herman let me know that her masseuses did not want to massage me anymore. She did not give the exact reason for the refusal of service, but only said that her masseuses do not feel comfortable when they massage me and that it is therefore difficult for them to massage me. There are only 9 Blue Wellness resorts throughout Holland. They are part of a huge chain of hotels called Fletcher hotels (more than 100 luxurious hotels). On June 16, 2021, the director of this big enterprise let me know that all his more than 100 hotels with their wellness resorts are closed for me for the period of one year, but one year later on June 17 he said that only his massage parlors are permanently closed to me in order to “prevent misunderstandings”, as he said. Since July 2019, I have also been denied access to the Agua spa, another wellness resort in Eindhoven. The reason is the same: a feeling of discomfort when massaging my body, despite the fact that I do not create any problems for the masseuses with my behavior. I was very-very hurt by all these bans and lifelong denials in getting what I needed. The most painful time for me was already September 2018. I kind of prayed to these masseuses, turning to them with a cry: “Have mercy on me. Why did you kick me out? Why did you treat me so cruelly and cold-heartedly? I need you so much for my well-being." But there was no answer. I had so much inner pain that I even wanted to somehow break the commandment of God to love the enemies and desired to avenge myself. I tried to dishonor them and damage their reputation with my truthful, objective, but negative reviews of them on the Internet. Therefore, I spent a lot of time on the Internet, trying on the consumer union forum and other places to complain in details to the world about the great injustice done to me. But everything was useless. They remained unyielding to mercy and compassion. Internally, I was very tormented by resentment and pain, and for a long time I could not cope with it. And when the corona virus crisis occurred in 2020, I saw in it God’s punishment for the misfortune inflicted on me, so I was not even afraid to go without a mask, being sure that this virus was not intended for me. I gloated at the thought that they were suffering financially from the forced lockdown. Therefore, I did not receive vaccinations and yet I never got corona. Glory and thanksgiving to God in the name of Jesus Christ for this! Now I try, with God's help, to be calm and pray for all my offenders. May the Lord bless and save them all. Here are the people who were responsible for the decision to refuse me for massage treatment: Yosine Vlassak, Aafke Pipers, Britte van der Velden, Tanya Vinken, Tessy Herman, Romana, Pamela, Naomi, Chelsey, Brianne, Joyce…

For me, they are equal to Sergei Makashov, Valery Perelygin, Alexander Sawin, Mikhail Petukhov, Nikolai Golovanov, Vadim Kryukov... who humiliated me as a black-ass*d nigg*r in school 41 in the city of Voronezh. These girls are also equal for me to abbot Filotheos Karakallinos, who kicked me out from the monastic community of Mount Athos without any clear explanation. The pain that these white, beautiful young girls caused me is just as incredibly great. (I mention their names because it gives me a feeling of relief and makes my confession full).

May the Lord bless them with complete happiness and peace in this earthly life, and after death may they be accepted by God into his Heavenly Kingdom to enjoy complete happiness, even if they will not repent of anything. May all of them whom I mentioned and forgot to mention be joined in Heaven together to enjoy the same ultimate everlasting happiness because they helped me to be humble by how they all treated me, if it pleases God's goodness. And may He grant me mercy in the forgiveness of sins for my fervent repentance, as He granted it undeservedly to the wise thief on the cross. God bless you. May my psychological wounds be healed by your holy prayers.

Blue Wellness resort in Helmond

... and Sittard

Agua spa in Eindhoven

His Right Reverence Mr Filotheos Karakallinos (on the right side, without a staff)

Tanya Vinken (older woman on the left side), another person who left a big footmark on the rest of my life.

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

Speaking further on the topic of the sin of unforgiving of offenses, I confess with shame that about 8-9 years ago I had an abnormal friendship with a married couple from Ukraine who did not have children. Husband Petro Poplavko worked in Holland as a computer (software) engineer, and his wife Daria was like a housewife. Once they became interested in me in our parish after the evening service, during a tea time in the hall. After meeting Daria, she began to show some interest in me that was abnormal for a married woman - she hugged me often, including right after the liturgy on Sundays, on her initiative they invited me to their home, we took walks together. I, being myself an ill-mannered person and being under the unbearable yoke of the passion of masturbation, could not and did not want to understand that this friendship was not right; although I saw obvious grief on her husband's face from the fact that his wife was so passionate about me. This, of course, is not because I am such a handsome man, but probably because Daria lacked communication in her native language (Russian): she could not give birth, they had conflicts with her husband, and someone was needed for instead of a child ... We experienced a lot of interesting things and there is a lot for which I thank them. We even visited Orthodox monastery of Saint Anthony in the French Alps and I was also blessed to go to Ukraine with them and visit the holy shrines of Kiev and Kharkov. May God bless and reward them.

We were different people in many ways. I have always been eager to think creatively and express myself, and in religion my favorite rule is "Love God and do whatever you want" (Blessed Augustine). I could argue for hours on the street with the Jehovists, unsuccessfully trying to convert them to Orthodoxy. For them (Petro and Daria) it was undecent and she often got on my nerves, teaching me that I should "talk to the priest", "take a special blessing for this" (although there is no point in this, because we do not have in Eindhoven such right-wing conservative rules of church piety as in the Russian Church). I was very annoyed by their passivity in religious life. On the one hand, it is their deep fear of retreat from the right, conservative foundations; on the other hand, their pastime consisted in entertainment, watching comedy movies, Eurovision, without any work in the spiritual life, or asceticism. Their principle, as it were, was this: "be afraid of the stern word of a strict, fearsome priest, and behind his back do whatever you want." But I endured all this because of the attention, hugs and kisses that Daria charmed me with.

Then they moved to France because of a suitable job for Petro, but even then we maintained friendly relations until the civil war in Ukraine broke out in 2013 and friendly love between us cooled down. With Petro, I began to have an unprecedented strained relationship because of his wife. And I myself was no less guilty than he because of my behavior. In general, the end of our friendship was long and painful for me, because it was on his wife Daria that all our attention and the meaning of our friendship were focused. Then I was lonely myself, but after I started practicing aikido in 2013, it became easier for me and not so hard anymore to break off relations with them forever, which I did. The reason was that sometime later she also took the side of her husband and wanted only platonic love from me without physical touches, she wanted me to continue verbal communication with her via Skype. And then I realized that there was no more meaning in communication. However, for some reason it was hard for her to part with me. They kept hoping that time would pass and everything would be forgotten and I would accept new rules, and therefore they wrote and called me, even after I made it clear by my silence that I was no longer interested in friendship. I finally confessed my sins to the priest as best I could and asked him to intervene and tell them to leave me alone. It seemed to help, thank God. But for a long time after that, I felt strong resentment and indignation at Daria because she did not respect my will and needs and tried to impose a platonic friendship on me according to their rules, as if deciding for me what I really want and what is useful for me, although I made it clear that I suffer greatly from celibacy and am very jealous of their marital happiness (and because of this jealousy I didn’t want any platonic relations with her, without physical contact she would become too teasing temptation to me, sexual energy would accumulate in me in the form of strong impulses of passion and thoughts, and could not be relieved in any way through sensual touches). It is very difficult for me to forgive close people who do not want to respect me, but constantly impose something, making themselves seem like elders or doctors who need to treat and teach me. Therefore, I suffered for a long time with anxiety, fearing that Daria would not leave me alone in the future and that I would not be able to resist her pressure. May the merciful Lord grant me to forgive and forget these people forever. May peace and blessings be upon them, but may the Lord forbid them to disrespectfully torment me.


And more about the sin of unforgiveness. I also experienced many sorrows from the priest who in 2014 replaced Presbyter Silouan Osseel in the parish of St. Nectarios in Eindhoven. During the life of Silouan, I did not experience much trouble there, but after his death in 2014, I suffered a lot of trouble from presbyter Joseph Moes. This man had his own measure of kindness. He often wanted to help me in any way he could, he even gave me some money as help and support. He did a lot of good for me or wanted to do. One day in 2009 he even took me in his own car to the skete of St. Spyridon in Geilnau, Germany, where Hieromonk Vasily lived. May the Lord reward him for this! But in 2014 he imagined himself to be my authoritative confessor or spiritual director, so he sharply criticized me at confession, rebuking me that my path was not Orthodox; it even happened that he ridiculed me in confession. He taught me without asking me if I wanted it from him or not. He did not say anything against my sin of masturbation but began to excommunicate me for 30-40 days for erotic contact with women (this was not sex with penetration in most cases), while leaving me to serve him as an acolyte in the altar. I considered this morally unfair, because he demanded from me what he himself does not fulfill, because as a married priest he legitimately enjoys all the pleasures of marriage with a woman. I couldn’t get married, because I was just unlucky: I was not white, I was from an unfavorable family, I didn’t have a prestigious job and I couldn’t give a woman confidence in the future, I’m just poor in spirit and everyone feels it. I don't have a dominant alpha male personality that can impress and invigorate a beautiful girl and turn her no into yes. Therefore, lusting for a woman, I suffered from masturbation and later visited erotic massage parlors in the spirit of great intemperance. Being unable to heal me and clearly show me the way to overcome passion, he only could and wanted to punish me for my adventures with women. I believe his logic was as follows: "If you fail to overcome the passion, then it is your fault, because you do something wrong (even though he couldn't prove it) and if you do something wrong and go on sinning, then you are guilty, and I can punish you." He never punished me for masturbation, although this is formally considered a Sodomite, unnatural sin in the Orthodox tradition, and although he did not ask me how I struggle with this sin, and whether I struggle at all. He punished me with excommunication for erotic massages, which he considered sex. He also said that this sin is 2-3 steps back compared to masturbation (it est, much worse). I don't know where he got this information from. But I try not to hold a grudge against him, because I was free not to go to his perish, but I continued to do so because I thought that my service in the altar was good for me. Later I came to the conclusion that, contrary to my hopes, I was not growing spiritually by virtue of my altar service and so I decided to leave his parish and service in the altar. I remember that before that I was in for a relaxing massage treatment in Agua spa resort and the masseuse Britte allowed me to hug her. This gave me inspiration and I felt like a man, and it gave me the determination and courage to finally sort out my relationship with this priest and I finally parted with him peacefully in December 2018.

However, the wounds that I suffered from him hurt me for a long time. I really did not like that he taught me with authority and intrusiveness, not in the spirit of respect, but in the spirit of condemnation and censure. He sometimes made some strange, unfounded statements, so that between us there was no longer Christian love. And I was haunted by fears that other priests would also treat me badly, tyrannically and disrespectfully. And I was internally worried about whether I could be saved and please God by going to another church, if the priests or church people in the Orthodox Church would excommunicate me from Orthodoxy. But so far no one excommunicated me, although I am still not free from fear. I came to the decision that if I will be expelled from the Orthodox Church or excommunicated, then I am not going to humiliatingly beg anyone to have mercy and leave me in it. I'll just leave, as I left the monastery of Karakallu, from where I was expelled. If I must leave, I will pray to the Lord to show me the further path of salvation. I think that if I would be unfairly and contrary to the gospel kicked out of the Orthodox Church or excommunicated, then I will have to look for some Protestant (Baptist or Evangelical) church. But so far there is no such danger. Thank God! I believe it is just a demonic fear that is haunting me. And I look for a way to get rid of it with Gods help.

May the Lord bless and forgive His Reverence Presbyter Joseph for everything, and by his holy prayers have mercy on me too. I do not separate myself from him and still consider him to be my brother in Christ. Let others disrespect me, I will still respect them in a Godly manner. I pray to God to give me humility so that I don’t hold a grudge against anyone and don’t exalt myself above others, so that even if others treat me in an evil way, I will remain kind-hearted and always open for love even towards enemies. May God bless you for reading.

Skete of St Spyridon in Geilnau and the landscape of its area.

Monastery of St Anthony, in Saint-Laurent-en-Royans, Rhône-Alpes, France

Relics (sacred corpses) of the reposed monastic saints in the Kiev-Caves monastery, a well-known shrine of the Orthodox church.

Grenoble and the Greek orthodox church therein, which I visited while staying with Petro and Daria.

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I sinned with hatred, rage, irritability, anger, irascibility, quarrels, hysteria, obsession, ruthlessness, blows, kicks, pushes, fights, the desire for death to enemies in the heart and thoughts.

I adopted the spirit of vicious behavior from my mother. I have already written a lot about this. It seems impossible to write all, but I'll add more details. When we first arrived at the Grootegast refugee camp, I heard my mother express her hatred towards Armenians and I adopted this hatred of hers, experienced it in myself and showed it in practice. I even got into a fight with one Armenian guy Artur Sarkisyan. And although he himself began to beat me, but maybe it was a reaction to that evil spirit of hatred that was hiding in me. I also feuded with other Armenians, with whom I had dangerous verbal altercations. Once I heard a voice in a dream that asked me: “You hate them (Caucasians). Why do you hate them?" I want to believe that it was the voice of an angel, but I do not know for sure, and I had no answer to this question. And although I was the vessel of this sin, I did not invent it, and I do not know why one should hate these people. This must be answered by those who consciously initiated or established themselves in this hatred. I repent that I adopted this hatred of this world.

I also took in and was charged with the furious rage of Hitler, the Assyrian kings and other pagan historical figures that I read about or watched on TV. This showed up in my behavior; for example, once in 2009 I was especially embittered because of the insult caused to me by the Athos abbot Philotheos (dishonorable exile). At the table back in Asten, on one occasion I behaved emotionally, parading Hitler's ambition and anger, and at the same time saying "no one can be the master over me!" With this, I provoked the former novice Dorothea (who at that time became a laywoman again, her civil name is Yvonne Smolders) to criticize me for my Afghan blood (meaning that my behavior is caused by Afghan (=bad) blood and therefore I was so unhumble towards abbot Philotheus of Karakallou). Now I understand that both my behavior and her reaction were provoked by demons. Dorothea publicly humiliated me in my eyes in much the same way that my mother humiliated me. For a long time I was internally angry with her for this. May the Lord forgive and bless her.

In the summer of 2000, in the Grootegast refugee camp, we were transferred to live in another apartment, due to difficult and sometimes hostile relations with the family in the first apartment. The new family of 4, with whom we shared a common room, kitchen, bathroom and toilet, were refugees from Bosnia and Herzegovina. For the first couple of months, things were relatively quiet in our relationship. But one day Azra made a remark to me about my bad relationship with my father. She said, "You have to learn to get along with people" or something like that. I got offended again and gradually became at enmity with them until they themselves moved in January 2001 to another refugee camp. I thank God for saving me from beatings and death at the hands of the angry husband of Azra. I confess that I was at enmity. I also repent that I hated them as Bosnians, which I expressed, but not in front of them, because in my heart of hearts I understood the absurdity, shamefulness and senselessness of all this nationalist enmity.

In their place came a young family from Ukraine - Vladimir, Natalia and baby Roman. They were relatively unaffected by the demons of anger, enmity, and ambition, but to some extent they were. Once, in the presence of a Russian young woman guest, I said one swear word in Azeri. For this, young Natalya told me, “Come here ... They will beat your snoot” (most likely, she threatened me that the Caucasian husband of this woman would cause me a lot of terrible physical pain with his beatings). I pretended not to hear anything and moved on. This happened more than once. In this way, using the method of fear and threats, she tried to exert supressing pressure on me in response to my bad behavior. But the worst offense she caused me was her intervention in my hysterical squabbles with my mother, in which she condemned me and said, “Why do you go to church?” I later retaliated against her for such interference when I said the Nazi salute in front of her child. When I was at enmity with different people in the refugee camp, I was at enmity with men first of all, I did not seem to notice women. But Natalya and my mother made me understand that women are no less dangerous in enmity than men. Women can be very insidious, they can skillfully pretend to be friends, and inside they perceive you coldly as an outsider alien to them, treating you depreciatingly. They can please you when they deal with you, and with other people they can humiliate, blaspheme, condemn you and harbor malice against you in their hearts. At the same time, it is impossible to talk rationally with such women, since their argumentation is based on emotions, irrational complaints about injustice, and not on the logic or reason.

I repent and condemn myself for following the way of life of the people of this world, giving food to evil demons with my sins and by following my concepts of justice, when I lived in my own way according to the principle of "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth", considering it my duty. In fact I learned this pagan haughtiness from Caucasian immigrants, whose evil demons found a suitable place in my heart too. According to this pagan customs they can kill you even for the slightest dishonorable word against them and their sense of honor, as if it brings curse that they fear. Not all of them are so, but this is what I took over and became. May the Lord enlighten our minds from dark ignorance and make us really free from every fear, and we may receive honor from God out of His love, without us using any pagan methods to protect ourselves from humiliation and curse.

I repent that I beat and humiliated my younger brother Milad. When he was born, I began to be jealous that my mother's maternal attention and affection would now go to him, and not only me. I was at enmity with him, and there were always false reasons for enmity. I didn't hit him hard most of the time, but I did cause him a serious health hazard. So one day, while mother entertained herself watching TV, he was walking towards me with a certain smile on his face, I pushed him away from me. Maybe it was not hard, but to my surprise, he fell back and hit his head on the floor. Maybe he suffered a concussion. I almost killed him then. And if there was a bare floor, then he could die. But luckily the floor was carpeted. I thank the Lord who saved his life from me and my demons.

I am also especially tormented by the memories of how I threw things at him and hit him in the head, how I extremely humiliated him with a word, calling him t*rd. The people who stood up for him, scolding me, threatening me and beating me, only aggravated his suffering, because it provoked me to even more anger. For example, once Milad called me a f*g when I hit him again. Clearly, someone taught him this, maybe his neighbor friend. Hearing this heavy insult, I hit him even harder. For all these sins of senseless cruelty, even then I experienced a feeling of remorse; when he slept, I often leaned against his chest to hear if his heart was still beating, but I did not know how to leave this slavery to malice and sin. My mother only provoked me to do this, passing to me on her anger at me and my father and life in general.

I also repent for my fights. Once I dreamed that I was being beaten by demons. And here is how it manifested itself in real life. By God's permission, I was humiliated and beaten a lot in Voronezh from the age of 12, when I went to school. It was as if I went there not to study, but to be beaten for my sins. I felt very bad, but now I thank God that he did not leave my sins unpunished. Until the age of 12, it happened that I somehow fought with my peers, defending in this way my reputation and dignity. I also fought with Sergei Makashov, who often pretended to be my friend, and sometimes attacked me to fight for no reason. However, after he started boxing, I became afraid of him and let him hit me. Having become a coward before him, I became a coward before others. When I was in a refugee camp in Holland, I decided to start life over again (like my mother apparently) and prove to myself and everyone that I am not a coward. Therefore, I fought with Afghan peers who attacked me in response to my irritable behavior for them. But fortunately in Holland the living conditions were much more favorable and when I fought with someone, we were separated in time, so there was no need to fight to the point of exhaustion and then constantly be in such a deadly enmity, as it was at school #41 in the city of Voronezh.

Tormented by conscience for all these sins against my brother, I wanted to go to a monastery and devote myself to an ascetic way of life in the likeness of St. Anthony the Great and other famous hermits of the 4th century. When the Lord fulfilled my desire to enter a monastery, I was disappointed: it was not what I was looking for. The monasteries of Athos, like other Orthodox monasteries, carry out the service of church tradition in our time, they see it as their task to strictly preserve the church statute of Divine services, to observe and transmit tradition in all rigor, thus saving the Orthodox tradition from the Roman-Catholic and Protestant influence that they consider apostate and contrary to their orthodox, strict conservatism. In my opinion, modern monasticism is no longer the monasticism of Anthony the Great and other Egyptian hermits who left the world in order to cleanse themselves of passions in fasting, prayer and silence, to acquire zeal for God and the fire of the Holy Spirit, and to contemplate God in their hearts. Of course, modern Orthodox monks are also striving for this, but they no longer have that extreme asceticism and world-renunciation, that consistency and active work on themselves, that is characteristic of the original desert-monks. And when I told the Karakallou abbot Philotheus that I wanted to live as a strict faster and desert-dweller, he was frightened by such a thought, became worried, little bit angry and told me that the whole essence of monasticism is obedience and humility (which means there is no need to lead such an ascetic lifestyle and hunger because of one’s active repentance). I was also required to dress well and neatly, wearing my novice uniform. Following such a daily routine, I felt more like a puppet in a puppet theater than an follower of the life and feats of Anthony the Great. Modern monasticism is closely connected with the church hierarchy, and is itself in fact a hierarchical ministry of the church, although not all monks are priests, but in their complex attire they look similar to them.
In my opinion and experience, the majority of today's monks also live with the problems, wars and sorrows of this world, carrying them in their hearts and justifying this inward occupation as love for the people of world. Instead of world-renunciation, they keep the mentality of national pride and patriotism as something very high. In one documentary about Athos, a Russian monk even said, “Russia is our mother” (that is, we do not forget her).

Now, living in the world, I try to find my way of repentance and abstaining from excessive satiation with material goods. May the Lord help us all to implore His goodness to forgive us our sins and be reconciled to Him. And in order for us to be able to accept His forgiveness and peace, we must work to mortify our passions and selfishness. May the Lord have mercy on us in response to our humility and feasible work.

Orthodox monk and his or her attire. From obove left to right and again:
skufy, apostle-cloth (for nuns), hood, mantle, rosary, paraman, belt, cassock, under-cassock.

The priest and his vestments from left to right and so on three times: a kamilavchion, an award cross, a pectoral cross, an under-robe, a phelonion, an epigonation, a waist-cloth ("club").

Deacon and his vestments: surplice, orarion, armlets.

Bishop and his vestments: epitrachelion, panagia, cross, mitre, eagle (bishop's hassock), small omophorion, belt, episcopal mantle, rhipidion, sakkos (bishop's chasuble), trikirion, dikirion, staff.

And here is a monastic cassock with a prideful Ukranian patriotic symbol (what an ugly combination, but God is their Judge)

 

[John Owen]

Daniel Hoseini revived a thread that has not been posted on since 2007 15 years old. Then he posts 5 super long rambling posts. Odd.

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I sinned by believing in astrology, horoscopes and other superstitions.

Thank God, I hope I can only write a little about my sins from the category of magic and sorcery. I have never occupied myself with it seriously and never tried to do it in any way. But I accepted faith in astrology, horoscopes and every superstition that I could learn in Russia (for example, if a black cat crosses the road in front of you, then there will be misfortune; in the threshold of the house you need to stick a needle for protection; you need to put scissors under the pillow, so that the brownie would not come; if you shake your legs, it will be bad for God, and good for satan; if you tell others a dream that you had on Sunday, then there will be misfortune; I also believed my mother, who told me that if on the road you find and pick up a Christian cross, then you need to spit on it and throw out through the window, which she once did with a cross I randomly found and picked up). I also constantly believed in dreams as allegedly telling me my future, even in eternity. I tried to find out the future through them, but now I believe that our future depends on ourselves, on our efforts and labors to correct ourselves in real life. In response to our efforts, the Lord directs the course of our life and all events in it. Our future is in the power of God and God determines it in response to our free will and efforts to realize our goals. Intuitively, we can anticipate something, good or bad, but we should not worry about it. We must worry about our sins and passions that we have not yet overcome. We must worry and improve ourselves if we do not have peace with God and our conscience torments us.

Prior to my baptism, I sometimes screamed violently during a sickness of high bodily temperature. And not only screamed, but even got up at night going somewhere, so that my parents could hardly restrain me. This state is similar to demon-possession, but the demon did not have full power over my body. At the same time, I uttered the words that I had on my mind on waking hours.

Once, due to the working of demons, I screamed a lot, raved and raged at night in the village of my elderly great-aunt Maria Meshcheryakova. The next day, instead of taking me to church to God, she took me to some witch doctress in her village. This witch performed some kind of magical action or ritual on me. I did not hear any spells (although they may have been), but I saw a bowl of water and in it something that looked like a some obscure form made of wax, I don’t remember anything more and I don’t know anything. I didn’t even see her face, she stood behind me and did something above my head while I was sitting. The room was somewhat dark. I didn't quite understand what that meant. No one has ever explained anything to me before or since. I suppose that with the help of her actions she wanted to determine the cause of my possessed behavior and give an answer to my great-aunt Maria. I then hoped that maybe this was baptism, but no - what that witch did was the sin of the occult. Maybe she tried to influence me with spells to please the demons. May the Lord turn all her spells and occult actions into naught, may the Creator of heaven and earth deprive all their spells and occult rites of all their power, may their interactions with demons be blocked by God’s power, may the Lord forbid them to energetically feed demons and do their will on earth, may He bring them to repentance or bring them to His dreadful judgment, if they are willing to persist in their sin and do not want to convert and repent. In the name of Jesus, so be it, amen.

I have also my confession of sexual sins. This part is for those who are happily married or for some other reason do not experience sexual temptations. To all others, I warn you that the information in this confession may tempt you into sin if you are weak. So if you want to read it, please be careful. I posted it in my diary here My struggle with sexual sins (+18): uranopolitis — LiveJournal

May God's peace and blessing come upon you!

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

It is good to try to name all the virtues and passion; and to examine ourselves whether we are guilty in those passions and whether we practice those virtues. So here is an excerpt from Philokalia that can really help us. Page 755 of the pdf file Microsoft Word - Philokalia.doc (holybooks.com)

Please notice that some names of the virtues have other meaning in the monastic eastern-orthodox tradition, than in the Western secular society today. For examples, when Peter of Damascus mentions 'discrimination' as a virtue, he means not the hatred of blacks or whites, but discernment in spiritual matters. And when he says 'hatred of life' as a virtue, he means dispassion or detachment from material goods of this life.

"A List of the Virtues The virtues are: moral judgment, self-restraint, courage, justice, faith, hope, love, fear, religious devotion, spiritual knowledge, resolution, strength, understanding, wisdom, contrition, grief, gentleness, searching the Scriptures, acts of charity, purity of heart, peace, patient endurance, self-control, perseverance, probity of intention, purposiveness, sensitivity, heedfulness, godlike stability, warmth, alertness, the fervor of the Spirit, meditation, diligence, watchfulness, mindfulness, reflection, reverence, shame, respect, penitence, refraining from evil, repentance, return to God, allegiance to Christ, rejection of the devil, keeping of the commandments, guarding of the soul, purity of conscience, remembrance of death, tribulation of soul, the doing of good actions, effort, toil, an austere life, fasting, vigils, hunger, thirst, frugality, self-sufficiency, orderliness, gracefulness, modesty, reserve, disdain of money, unacquisitiveness, renunciation of worldly things, submissiveness, obedience, compliance, poverty, possessionlessness, withdrawal from the world, eradication of self-will, denial of self, counsel, magnanimity, devotion to God, stillness, discipline, sleeping on a hard bed, abstinence from washing oneself, service, struggle, attentiveness, the eating of uncooked food, nakedness, the wasting of one’s body, solitude, quietude, calmness, cheerfulness, fortitude, boldness, godlike zeal, fervency, progress, folly for Christ, watchfulness over the intellect, moral integrity, holiness, virginity, sanctification, purity of body, chasteness of soul, reading for Christ’s sake, concern for God, comprehension, friendliness, truthfulness, uninquisitiveness, uncensoriousness, forgiveness of debts, good management, skilfulness, acuity, fairness, the right use of things, cognitive insight, good-naturedness, experience, psalmody, prayer, thanksgiving, acknowledgment, entreaty, kneeling, supplication, intercession, petition, appeal, hymnody, doxology, confession, solicitude, mourning, affliction, pain, distress, lamentation, sighs of sorrow, weeping, heart-rending tears, compunction, silence, the search for God, cries of anguish, lack of. anxiety about all things, forbearance, lack of self-esteem, disinterest in glory, simplicity of soul, sympathy, self-retirement, goodness of disposition, activities that accord with nature, activities exceeding one’s natural capacity, brotherly love, concord, communion in God, sweetness, a spiritual disposition, mildness, rectitude, innocence, kindliness, guilelessness, simplicity, good repute, speaking well of others, good works, preference of one’s neighbor, godlike tenderness, a virtuous character, consistency, nobility, gratitude, humility, detachment, dignity, forbearance, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, discrimination, accessibility, courtesy, tranquility, contemplation, guidance, reliability, clearsightedness, dispassion, spiritual joy, sureness, tears of understanding, tears of soul, a loving desire for God, pity, mercy, compassion, purity of soul, purity of intellect, prescience, pure prayer, passion-free thoughts, steadfastness, fitness of soul and body, illumination, the recovery of one’s soul, hatred of life, proper teaching, a healthy longing for death, childlikeness in Christ, rootedness, admonition and encouragement, both moderate and forcible, a praiseworthy ability to change, ecstasy towards God, perfection in Christ, true enlightenment, an intense longing for God, rapture of intellect, the indwelling of God, love of God, love of inner wisdom, theology, a true confession of faith, disdain of death, saintliness, successful accomplishment, perfect health of soul, virtue, praise from God, grace, kingship, adoption to sonship - altogether 228 virtues. To acquire all of them is possible only through the grace of Him who grants us victory over the passions.

A List of the Passions The passions are: harshness, trickery, malice, perversity, mindlessness, licentiousness, enticement, dullness, lack of understanding, idleness, sluggishness, stupidity, flattery, silliness, idiocy, madness, derangement, coarseness, rashness, cowardice, lethargy, dearth of good actions, moral errors, greed, over-frugality, ignorance, folly, spurious knowledge, forgetfulness, lack of discrimination, obduracy, injustice, evil intention, a conscienceless soul, slothfulness, idle chatter, breaking of faith, wrongdoing, sinfulness, lawlessness, criminality, passion, seduction, assent to evil, mindless coupling, demonic provocation, dallying, bodily comfort beyond what is required, vice, stumbling, sickness of soul, enervation, weakness of intellect, negligence, laziness, a reprehensible despondency, disdain of God, aberration, transgression, unbelief, lack of faith, wrong belief, poverty of faith, heresy, fellowship in heresy, polytheism, idolatry, ignorance of God, impiety, magic, astrology, divination, sorcery, denial of God, the love of idols, dissipation, profligacy, loquacity, indolence, self-love, inattentiveness, lack of progress, deceit, delusion, audacity, witchcraft, defilement, the eating of unclean food, soft living, dissoluteness, voracity, unchastity, avarice, anger, dejection, listless-ness, self-esteem, pride, presumption, self-elation, boastfulness, infatuation, foulness, satiety, doltishness, torpor, sensuality, overeating, gluttony, insatiability, secret eating, hoggishness, solitary eating, indifference, fickleness, self-will, thoughtlessness, self-satisfaction, love of popularity, ignorance of beauty, uncouthness, gaucherie, lightmindedness, boorishness, rudeness, contentiousness, quarrelsomeness, abusiveness, shouting, brawling, fighting, rage, mindless desire, gall, exasperation, giving offence, enmity, meddlesomeness, chicanery, asperity, slander, censure, calumny, condemnation, accusation, hatred, railing, insolence, dishonor, ferocity, frenzy, severity, aggressiveness, forswearing oneself, oathtaking, lack of compassion, hatred of one’s brothers, partiality, patricide, matricide, breaking fasts, laxity, acceptance of bribes, theft, rapine, jealousy, strife, envy, indecency, jesting, vilification, mockery, derision, exploitation, oppression, disdain of one’s neighbor, flogging, making sport of others, hanging, throttling, heartlessness, implacability, covenant-breaking, bewitchment, harshness, shamelessness, impudence, obfuscation of thoughts, obtuseness, mental blindness, attraction to what is fleeting, impassionedness, frivolity, disobedience, dullwittedness, drowsiness of soul, excessive sleep, fantasy, heavy drinking, drunkenness, uselessness, slackness, mindless enjoyment, self-indulgence, venery, using foul language, effeminacy, unbridled desire, burning lust, masturbation, pimping, adultery, sodomy, inappropriate behavior with animals, defilement, wantonness, a stained soul, incest, uncleanliness, pollution, sordidness, feigned affection, laughter, jokes, immodest dancing, clapping, improper songs, revelry, fluteplaying, license of tongue, excessive love of order, insubordination, disorderliness, reprehensible collusion, conspiracy, warfare, killing, brigandry, sacrilege, illicit gains, usury, wiliness, grave-robbing, hardness of heart, obloquy, complaining, blasphemy, fault-finding, ingratitude, malevolence, contemptuousness, pettiness, confusion, lying, verbosity, empty words, mindless joy, day-dreaming, mindless friendship, bad habits, nonsensicality, silly talk, garrulity, niggardliness, depravity, intolerance, irritability, affluence, rancor, misuse, ill-temper, clinging to life, ostentation, affectation, love of power, dissimulation, irony, treachery, frivolous talk, pusillanimity, satanic love, curiosity, contumely, lack of the fear of God, unteachability, senselessness, haughtiness, self- vaunting, self- inflation, scorn for one’s neighbor, mercilessness, insensitivity, hopelessness, spiritual paralysis, hatred of God, despair, suicide, a falling away from God in all things, utter destruction - altogether 298 passions."

 

[Daniel Hoseini]

I also repent of how I behaved in Russian-language religious forums. I sometimes allowed myself to argue, hoping to overpower my opponent with words and eloquence. I also did this for my emancipation of mind. It was bad, I acted contrary to the teachings of the apostle Paul, who said that there is no such custom in the church. This brought me spiritual and psychic tiredness and burden, but it was my passion because of my loneliness and not having friends to communicate with. But even when I did not argue, but simply reacted emotionally and hastily to condemnation or humiliation, this also brought me a sense of sin, for which I repent. Now I refrain from Russian forums where people burdened me with their censures with an attempt to force me to be in their image and likeness, and, humiliating me, imposed their belief system on me under the guise of love and care. They forced me to strictly and literally adhere to the prohibitions of church rules, with full confidence condemning me as non-Orthodox if I did not agree with them; acting as if their point of view is the point of view of God himself. This is the peculiarity of their mentality. If you do not bow down to their conventional ideology or belief system, then you are a fool to them. They do not tolerate any opinions that contradict their right-wing belief system, they condemn such dissent. They do not conduct a constructive dialogue and do not want to conduct it. Here is a good example. You can translate it with google. And another example.

In English-language forums, I also try to refrain from discussions. And when I need to answer something, I try to answer unhurriedly and in a spirit of humility. Monastic experience has shown that this is a very important and fundamental virtue. And my passion for eloquence, and, as a result, my opinion about myself that I am strong in words, comes from my love for ancient Greek culture (Hellenism). Many peoples, including the Romans and Renaissance thinkers, were also fascinated or charmed by it in their time. Greek culture gave me a certain sense of emancipation and inner freedom. Maybe this is the fruit of the free development of ancient Greek philosophy and the dialogues of their thinkers, as seekers of truth, despite the fact that some sinful things are mentioned in their dialogues as good delights. I especially liked the art of eloquence in it. And although, in my opinion, Russian culture cannot be compared with Greek, nevertheless, the Russian language is rich enough in vocabulary and developed so that it can be spoken freely and eloquently. But my trespass was also that I tried to combine Christianity and pre-Christian Hellenism, without really understanding what I was doing and why. I did not understand that the real emancipation and happiness of freedom is the freedom of Jesus Christ, it is freedom from passion, sin and slavery to the devil. And this true spiritual freedom of God is not easy to feel, in contrast to the psychic freedom of mental and philosophical creativity. And I'm still on my way to it, I hope. I still live by external psychic and bodily senses, and not by the life of the human spirit hidden in me and the Spirit of God.


Being myself a bearer of the Russian mentality and right-wing conservatism, I suffered greatly from it. I suffered from his despotism, from servility to the great and powerful, severe and formidable, strictly conservative and traditional Russian priests of my imagination, who are quick to intimidate with an anathema and excommunication, thus basing their power on fear and pressure by their authority. And I myself was on this path of fear and servility to powerful and authoritative people. The aforementioned Daria Poplavko and her mother Valentina Bodrova also forced me to be like that, as if I were under them in a hierarchical pyramid, so that they could freely command me, while they were under the absolute power of formidable priests and tradition, being in fear, crushing all of their freedom and creativity. This was also due to the fact that they were often very stung with envy, because I allowed myself to do what they had forbidden themselves to do all their life. And for me they are in this sense an example of the people of their society. May God forgive them. Now I try to avoid communication with such people so that they do not pull me down to darkness and slavery to fear again.


In reality, Russian priests are not so evil and despotic. You can usually find mutual understanding with them and they are open to constructive dialogue and ready to listen to you in order to agree and make the necessary exception for you, if you behave and talk with them honestly, peacefully and with a sound mind. Usually you can feel human goodness in them as well, even when they are bad. It is devil who influences people through crushing fear. My problem was not evil priests, but the right-wing radical categoricalness of the traditional Russian black-and-white mentality, which does not fit with a sense of freedom that I took into myself from ancient Greek culture. I thank God that now I have no need to go to the Russian church, although it was in it that I was baptized. God bless you.

Ancient Parthenon in Athens, originally built as a temple of pagan goddess Athena. But in Byzantine era they made of it a Christian temple of the Holy Wisdom (Sophia).

Beautiful woodcarving and icon painting art in the Greek orthodox temple of the Annunciation, the city of Utrecht, Netherlands. I made these photos last Sunday. It is typical for the Greek Christian temples. The Greek are still very creative in art as they were 2500 years before, this art now finds its expression in the Christian church. May it be for the glory of Christ our God.

Greek-Orthodox temple inside

 

[YahuahSaves]

I wanted to get this out and off my chest because a lot of people dont like to confess their faults. I am sometimes very rebellious, and I dont like people to have to correct me when I'm wrong. I am guilty of the sin of pride!



I wanted to confess this because there is something I want very badly, a blessing that God showed me is pending, but He wont release it until I straighten up my act.
I knew something was in my way, but I couldnt figure out what it was! Now that I think about it, if I was more humble, I might not have been inclined to make so many foolish and dumb mistakes. Pride goes before a fall! By being proud I gave whoever it was blocking me the power to do so!



Now, in correlation with this, I have been accused of being stupid in my life many times and also I have been accused of being gay. It never bothered me to be accused of being gay because Im not, but it bothered me tremendously when people said I did dumb things.because I did some super colossal dump things!



The irony is that, sometimes I wonder if God allowed me (I said allow folks, God didnt do it to me; I did it to myself!) to make silly mistakes to level me off because I am so intelligent.



The same people who first met me told me that, when they got to know me, I wasnt as dumb as they thought! Ha!



Naturally this bothered me, so I took it to the Lord in prayer! He explained to me that I had an innocent face and to a lot of people, innocence equals stupidity! Well, that helped me to figure that out!



God told me a few years ago that I was the only person who was stopping me from getting what I want. No witch, or principalities, or powers or anything could stop me because I was blessed with determination and faith. So, after I asked God to clear my path of evil (because I was being blocked), I asked God to clear me up!



This was good! I made up my mind two nights ago and walked boldly before the throne of grace. I reminded God of his promises and told him I wasnt going to stop coming to him until I got what I wanted. He gave me my answer. Thank you Lord!

Now I know it is up to me and nothing can stop me because God gave the go ahead, I confessed and will try my hardest, and my blessing is right around the corner. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins!

Wow, just before I hit reply, I noticed the date of the post... and here I was just looking at testimonies in the forum.

I can relate to what you're saying, especially this:

The same people who first met me told me that, when they got to know me, I wasnt as dumb as they thought! Ha!



Naturally this bothered me, so I took it to the Lord in prayer! He explained to me that I had an innocent face and to a lot of people, innocence equals stupidity! Well, that helped me to figure that out!