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My BPD Wife Divorced Me

Discussion in 'Personality Disorders' started by blugill, Jun 26, 2013.

  1. blugill

    blugill Newbie

    32
    +0
    Calvinist
    Single
    After nearly four years she had an affair with a guy I considers a friend.
    We separated, reunited, and separated again until a few weeks ago when our divorce was final.

    Being married to a BPD spouse is hard. She is diagnosed and has been in counseling. Right now she is seeing the guy she had an affair with.

    Most advice I get is that I should feel lucky it only lasted four years and I'm out clean. That I should be grateful she is done with me and has moved on to a downgrade boyfriend.

    Well I don't feel grateful or happy I'm done.

    She was diagnosed with ten out of ten symptoms, her doctor said she was a textbook case. No medicine helps, she's in counseling but since the divorce was final a couple of weeks ago I've had to turn off her insurance.

    Deep down I feel that without his constant interference we'd have a great shot at fixing things. That might be more wishful thinking than reality.

    BPD is devasting to you, your self esteem, your identity.
    I like reading the no nonsense posts from Shrink4men.com the doctor there helps a lot. She's very good and describes what you're going through to a T.

    However that doesn't change the fact about how I feel right now
    I feel lost, broke, damaged, and horrible.
     
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. bhsmte

    bhsmte Newbie

    +11,616
    Atheist
    Single
    US-Others
    Bluegill,

    I feel for you. I was married to a wife with BPD for 20 years and although I knew there was something not quite right with her, I tended to blame myself for everything and let her run all over me.

    When her behavior really escalated, she filed for divorce and I counter filed and hence a long custody battle for our three kids began. At the end, she tried to reconcile, but I had had enough and I ended with with full custody of all the kids (which tells you what the custody evaluator thought of her). She refused and still refuses to admit she has a problem, and has gone through more therapists than she has attorneys (she went through 6 attorneys during the divorce).

    I would consider yourself lucky (although the emotion may be telling you otherwise) that you are out.
     
  3. blugill

    blugill Newbie

    32
    +0
    Calvinist
    Single
    Well I adopted her daughters and they are the best thing that's ever happened to me. They were always my girls we just met later in life.
    They are 18 and 16 so there really wasn't a custody issue.
     
  4. bhsmte

    bhsmte Newbie

    +11,616
    Atheist
    Single
    US-Others
    I understand.

    I meant to add before, that shrink4men is indeed an excellent site and much can be gleaned from it. I would urge you to learn as much as you possibly can about BPD, because it is a complex disorder and comes in many shapes and sizes (some of which are unique to each person).

    Also, you had mentioned that she had; 10 out of 10 criteria, but BPD has only 7 criteria, in which a diagnosis requires having 4 of the 7. Many people with BPD can display behavioral traits also common in other personality disorders; narcissist, paranoid, etc. etc. and maybe that was what you were referring to.

    In regards to whether you could have made it without the other person's interference? I highly doubt that, because the reason he came into play in the first place, is because your wife allowed him to. If it wasn't him, it likely would have been someone else and being unfaithful is a common trait in BPD (but one my ex wife did not have, but she had several other destructive traits).

    Unless she gets the right help, it is highly likely the something will happen with the new guy and the cycle will continue to repeat itself.
     
  5. iolair

    iolair Mostly Harmless

    35
    +0
    Christian
    In Relationship
    I know how you feel.

    I left an abusive relationship Spring 2010, and was divorced in Spring 2011. We'd been married since 1995.

    Could the relationship have worked out? No, really no. She was incapable of seeing that she was any part of the problem in the relationship, said categorically that she had NEVER done ANYTHING wrong, and any problem was mine or in my head. And (My family and I have to deal with her still as we have three children together) I know she is just as negative and hypercritical as ever.

    Wishful thinking is a waste of time I'm afraid. What might have been? No one is ever told that. Invest in your own growth, relationship with God and happiness.

    Healing takes time. I would say that for me, for pretty much all of 2010, my primary state was brokenness, and for 2011 I was healing; then in 2012 I began some real new growth.

    Look after yourself; you WILL get through this and be stronger for it.
     
  6. EstherStar

    EstherStar Newbie

    110
    +11
    Christian
    Single
    Quite right!

    I just got finished a very toxic relationship ( in a nutshell he was extremely abusive and never there ) and it has made me stronger.

    Seek Gods counsel on it though.
     
  7. madison1101

    madison1101 Senior Veteran

    +257
    Christian
    Single
    US-Democrat

    I'm very sorry your marriage has ended. I empathize.

    I am a recovered BPD patient. My husband left me after 14 years of psychotherapy, and almost as much time in marital therapy. We were married a total of 25 years, before he moved out.

    I say I'm recovered, because I have none of the symptoms that had fit the criteria for a diagnosis. When diagnosed, in 1990, I had all but one. I wish I had gotten professional help much earlier. I knew something was wrong with me, though I did not see my behavior as a problem when first in therapy. Denial is very difficult in early therapy. Praise the Lord, I had the best possible psychologist who worked with me faithfully for 23 years.

    Along with my therapist, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. That didn't matter to my therapist. He kicked my butt regularly, and always held me accountable to making changes.

    Toward the end of my marriage, my husband acknowledged that I had made changes, The marital therapist we saw told us he was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He needed to heal.

    After he was gone, I also had to deal with empty nest syndrome. Abandonment was my biggest fear, and within 6 months, my marriage was over, and all my grown children had moved away. One night, God opened my eyes to all that I'd done over the years I was married, and raising three children, and I was overcome with shame.

    In addition to therapy, I have been in a mentoring/discipleship relationship with a dear Christian sister, who has ministered God's love and His Word to me, which has helped me tremendously. She knows everything about me, and has prayed for my therapist, and held me accountable to studying God's Word.

    I mentioned that I'd known something was wrong with me, and I wanted professional help for years. Unfortunately, my father-in-law committed suicide early in my marriage. It was his second attempt. He'd been hospitalized, on meds, and in therapy. My husband believed the professionals did no good, or his father would not have killed himself. Therefore, he was not about to give me any money for co-pays for any mental health professionals. Finally, when he'd reached the end of his rope, he got me into therapy, using my eating disorder as the reason I needed it.

    I shared this to let you know that there is hope for recovery. Fortunately, I willingly went to therapy. My behavioral changes were slow, and the constant failing was discouraging. I have an awesome relationship with all three of my grown children, because I took responsibility for all I did during their childhood. No excuses, no blaming anyone else, but me. One of my sons told me if I had not done that, he and his sister, and all of her kids, would not be in my life now.

    I hope you find healing.


     
  8. Messy

    Messy Well-Known Member

    +1,985
    Christian
    Single
    Yes, there is. I don't blame my exhusband for leaving me. It was hard for him. When he wanted to dvorce, I got wrong medication, did a suicide attack, run off with a fellow patient (first asked him if it was okay). Man, we have both been through hell. I wanted help, I went for help for thousands of euro's, but noone could help me. He had problems too because of it. We're both twice divorced now and forgave each other. We're friends, raise the kids together and since the last guy I had dumped me, finally I really died: my old sinful nature which was the cause of all of this. I wasn't even really born again.
    The key for me was to forgive and thank God for all the guys that dumped me. I really couldn't until the Lord showed me what I had done to him.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2013
  9. blugill

    blugill Newbie

    32
    +0
    Calvinist
    Single
    Well a LOT has happened since my initial post.
    Our divorce finalized early in 2013.
    She had a car wreck in the early summer and that lead to a series of meltdowns that lead to her accepting she needed help.
    She quit her job and the guy she had an affair with had a big time break down and dumped her. He really went out of his head and I believe is institutionalized right now.

    So she had another meltdown and I picked up the pieces as she had no one else to look after her. I got out of debt other than my mortgage and it felt great for all of a couple of weeks.

    I found a treatment program in a nearby city and so for seven weeks she drove to the city and back while I paid for her treatment. Glad to do it mind you, finally she accepted she had a problem and had literally hit rock bottom and needed help desperately. I stepped up.

    She had no job but I make ok money and was able to keep her from being evicted, keep her car from being repossessed, and kept her fed and the lights on. During this time she started to recover and heal, she dealt with many MANY issues that had been under the surface for her entire life. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 and severe Borderline.

    She started to take medicine for the first time and some brilliant doctors got those lined out for her, she's healing now. She doesn't have the mood swings or intense rages now.

    Well also during this time a friend of hers introduced her to another guy. She's been seeing him, well sort of, he lives three and a half hours away but they talk all the time and she spent Christmas at his place. Granted the odds of this being a success are really long, time and distance alone are a big obstacle to overcome.

    I've decided I'm not helping anymore. She is having a really had time finding even a part time job so she applied for disability. She's in for a rough financial time and I really think she'll have to figure it out on her own now.

    She could barely get out of bed and I supported her, now I'm deeper in debt than I was before and it all went to help her heal. I can't blame anyone but myself. I know she's getting healthy though and her self destructive behavior won't happen again. So maybe it was worth it. I know that she would have been far worse if I didn't help though.

    Please pray for me and her. I don't know what's in the future but I need guidance on what to do next. It's really hard to say no when someone asks for help and I know she will.
     
  10. Lovely Jar

    Lovely Jar Pray Out Loud

    +77
    Christian
    Married
    God is merciful. Congratulations!
     
  11. blugill

    blugill Newbie

    32
    +0
    Calvinist
    Single
    I really had a struggle with something I considered the right and wrong thing.

    My ex wife asked me to fill out a disability form so she can receive ssdi, and she won't be stressed like she is now. She's been unable to find a job and applied for disability about five months ago. Now she got paperwork for those that know her to fill out and and back in.

    I did that because I know she's having a very hard time. I let her read it and the. Put it in the envelope provided and took it with me. It was a holiday weekend so no mail ran.

    But I debated actually throwing it away for all the pain she's caused me and dramatically hurting her chances to have her claim approved.

    But at lunch today I mailed it. It's out of my hands and I feel I did the right thing.
    Maybe I didn't do the right thing, probably will never know but I can sleep knowing I did my part to help her out.

    This was very difficult since she's been seeing a new guy the past couple of months.
    However he lives about four hours away and it likely won't amount to much in another month or two. But that really angered me and made me want to get back at her.
     
  12. DeepWound

    DeepWound Newbie

    10
    +0
    Methodist
    I think the most loving thing you can do is to WALK AWAY. As a person with BPD she will USE you. From my experience and research they are constantly looking for people to RESCUE THEM. She needs to take responsibility for herself and the consequences of her actions. You don't want to enable her.

    Go no contact with her. I know it's hard but it's the best thing for her....AND FOR YOU!!
     
  13. gracealone

    gracealone Regular Member

    +94
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    I totally agree with what you are saying in this post. The very worst thing you can do for a person with BPD is to rescue them. When you do that you get in between them and hope for recovery. Because recovery will only come when they do it of their own accord rather than to get something that they want. Consequences are painful, but it's the pain that will often drive the person to finally get the help they need. Consequences can be a "severe mercy", when any of us do the right thing in response to them.

     
  14. blugill

    blugill Newbie

    32
    +0
    Calvinist
    Single
    Just an update on my roller coaster.
    She's needed to be rescued and I didn't help with rent but a wealthy friend of ours did pay her rent this week. She doesn't get her disability check until next week and faced eviction.

    She's said she's looking for a job and has filled out paperwork the disability administration has given her to retrain her and they said it won't effect her money for a while. It's a rehabilitation program of some sort.

    On top of all,that she found a new boyfriend an hour and a half away so he really doesn't get the full picture of what he's getting involved with. I'm sure he doesn't know she almost got her car repossessed again or almost had her utilities cut off again.

    This hurts me a lot seeing her suffer. A lot.
    But I'm sure she puts on her happy face when she travels down there every weekend and sees this sap.
     
  15. Messy

    Messy Well-Known Member

    +1,985
    Christian
    Single
    Give her a tip to go to T.B. Joshua.
     
  16. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +6,529
    Christian
    She doesn't "put on a happy face"...she IS temporarily happy because bpd doesn't believe they have any part in the cause of their unhappiness...out of site is out of mind. This isn't a jab at them, but the misperception is part of the disorder.

    I am now a mental health nurse and as I learn about some of these diagnoses, I have a harder time with advising people who are Christians to never consider divorce. Just like I don't believe that a woman (or a man) should stay in a relationship where they are being physically abused, I don't know that we are required to stay in a relationship where we are being psychologically abused. My heart goes out to people struggling with these disorders...but at the same time, the multiple affairs with bpd or the sexual shutdown by the severely depressed or the financial ruin caused by the manic side of bipolar....and makes me worry about the long term mental health of the partner and their children. I don't know what to say but I wish you a way to find happiness. Help her as you feel comfortable but don't feel obligated. Also understand that these affairs are not "about you" or even a rejection of you...they are part of her illness.
     
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