My boyfriend lied to me about being a virgin

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Bad? Yes

Nothing worse? Hardly.

Try on this for size: "I love you but wish sex would just go away." At that point on your wedding night you find out your new spouse believes the very idea of sex is a horrendous sin you only have to do in order to become parents.

God designed it, but He didn't give an instruction manual on how to make it work satisfactorily in many cases.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Happened to me long ago as well. That relationship didnt work out. Not that a liar is always a liar.. i mean think about it...have you EVER lied? We all have at one point or another.

But when its a lie like that, its difficult to trust 100%. Just be true to your feelings. DONT stay in that relationship because you (may) think youll never find someone better. If you dont trust him, you need to end it on good terms if possible.

Trouble is, if one is waiting around looking for the Messiah to marry, then one may be waiting a very long time, and may never marry because no prospective partner would be good enough. What's the point of losing out on a life of happiness and exchanging it for a life of loneliness just because one is a perfectionist instead of finding a good, loving, and supportive life-partner?

 

[Bonnie-Jean]

Well, I'm new here and am jumping into this discussion rather late. I would say, pray hard about your concerns and don't ignore any red flags that may come up.

If it were me, I would be more concerned with the fact that he lied to you, rather than his past. This is the important point--in my mind--does he deep down believe that he is justified in lying to you in certain cases? It would appear so. You will have to decide if that lines up with your worldview.

For me though, once again, lying is a big concern because I believe you can only build a strong foundation with someone who is willing to be authentic. If someone is honest with you, you know they respect you enough to risk your rejection-- if that is your choice. That means they want what is best for you...not their own self-preservation.

That being said, it sounds like he confessed of his own accord? That is something. Only you can truly know what you ought to do in this situation. I'd be taking a step back, but you have more information than me. Praying God gives you wisdom!

 

[af2018af2018]

Trouble is, if one is waiting around looking for the Messiah to marry, then one may be waiting a very long time, and may never marry because no prospective partner would be good enough. What's the point of losing out on a life of happiness and exchanging it for a life of loneliness just because one is a perfectionist instead of finding a good, loving, and supportive life-partner?

I dont understand how your response has anything to do with what I said

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I dont understand how your response has anything to do with what I said

What I meant is that is one is looking for the perfect partner, it will be like searching for the holy grail. I will tell you, that even if one has found their perfect soul-mate, they will discover not too long after the honeymoon, that their "perfect" partner is a poor sinner like all the rest of us.

 

[goldenboy]

One thing about it is that one of you will know what to do on the wedding night. Nothing worse than two of you not knowing, and the guy not being as gentle as he should be considering that you will be a virgin on your wedding night.

Uhhhh...you may wish to recuse yourself at this point!

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Uhhhh...you may wish to recuse yourself at this point!

What does "recuse" mean?
The OP appreciated my responses, and had no complaints about them. Case closed.

 

[goldenboy]

What does "recuse" mean?
The OP appreciated my responses, and had no complaints about them. Case closed.

Easy, pardner!

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Easy, pardner!

I was puzzled by your use of the word "recuse". I didn't know whether you were praising me or throwing a brick at me!

 

[johnbastion]

How did you find this prospective partner? Was it in a god-honoring way?
Was he hiding the fact from you because he wanted to get you emotionally hooked first?
Biblically, it is very wrong for a man and woman to be alone. Are you honoring God's word above social norms and culture?

If you don't obey God in this very crucial area, how do you expect Him to guide you?
I'd encourage you to listen to this:
The sermon "Paul Washer 2018 - Godly View of Dating (Powerful)"
by Paul Washer T.V on youtube.

 

[johnbastion]

Nothing about this man suggests that he valued God's word when he committed fornication.
In a very twisted way, is he confessing to you now, so that after marriage, if something serious were to be discovered/happen, he could say that he did warn you? That you were too blind to see when he told you?
Please honor God. He will honor you. (1 Sam.2:30).

 

[johnbastion]

Anyone who commits fornication/adultery doesn't just forget the act. Guess what, there would be comparisons movies running in his head.

If you find it difficult to process that your would-be partner has been intimate with someone else - it's a sign to think very deeply about this. You can save yourself a lifetime of heartache.
Marriage is a life-long commitment...that means you have 1 chance to get it right.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

If there is too much baggage to bring on the trip.

Probably best to lighten load and wait for another train.

Marriage is not easy.
It will take the best of all you have.
M-Bob

 

[coffee4u]

Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

I would guess that he was scared to tell you. It's easy to omit things early on, but then as you get in further into a relationship but not that far, fear can bind a person from telling the truth and omissions can become lies. This is because the other person has become important, and their reaction matters, but the relationship isn't to the point of total trust. So while you may have trusted him 100% months ago he may only just have reached that point. So now the ball is in your court. Trust isn't just about trusting the other person to never let you down, because they will, many times if you are married a long time. Trust is also about overcoming the fear of a bad reaction from the other person. He may have told you this now because he has come to the point of trusting you enough not to have a bad reaction, the kind that causes a breakup. If your reaction is bad then that says his trust was misplaced.

Is he repentant over it? This is important.
Everyone makes mistakes and everyone sins, even if those sins are different from the ones we do.
1 John 1:9
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
As said above, a good relationship is built on trust and communication, but this isn't instantly there and we are all a work in progress.

I think his finally confessing this to you means a lot, remember he didn't have to tell you, ever. He could have gone on pretending, but he didn't.

According to some people above, you should break up. I will simply say there is no perfect man.

 

[Steve97]

Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

He probably lied to you for one of two reasons: (1.) to protect you. (2.) to protect himself. It is probably more the latter. If he told you the truth up front, which he eventually did, he may have thought the relationship would end. Why did he finally tell you the truth? Guilt? Is he sorry? Communication and honesty is key to a successful marriage. Be honest with him and expect the same. You both have probably done things in the past that you both are not proud of (I can write VOLUMES of my past behaviors). The more honest he is with you, and you with him, any doubt you have will diminish and fade away. Please keep us posted.