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Featured My boyfriend lied to me about being a virgin

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by jenna p, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. PaulCyp1

    PaulCyp1 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Your boyfriend withheld this very personal and painful fact because He didn't want to chance hurting you, or worse, causing you not to trust him in the future. But he finally loved and trusted you enough to take the chance, trust in your love, and tell you the truth. Now the ball is in your court. Will you let his fears come true, or will you have the strength to forgive and forget, and allow your relationship to continue growing in mutual love and trust? I will pray for both of you.
     
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  2. tryphena rose

    tryphena rose Daughter of the Most High

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    My fiance and I are waiting until marriage but I am not a virgin. I was open and honest with him about this before we entered into a relationship (Christ used him reach me as I was an atheist). What God's taught us is that the truth should always be put first and foremost in any relationship. Christ must be at the head of your relationship, especially when it comes to a lifelong marriage. Once you start to lose sight of Jesus or place unrealistic expectations on your boyfriend, expectations which only God can fulfill, then your relationship will start to crumble. He sinned not only in having sex outside of marriage, but also in his lie to you. Showing him the grace and mercy Christ has shown you by forgiving you of your sins, will be much better than condemning him for a past mistake. Especially since it seems he recognizes his wrong if he's willing to turn over a new leaf and wait to have sex with you once you're married.

    The mercy, grace and forgiveness my fiance showed me was a huge testament to the love of Christ because I truly felt unworthy, yet God has blessed me greatly and He continues to do so even now. I'll be praying for you both. :prayer:
     
  3. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    Thanks for your response. How would you define someone reacting with integrity? What would that look like? thanks
     
  4. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    dude what are you talking about? we have never had sex. it was only him and his girlfriend while he was dating her.
     
  5. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    Love this. Thanks for your wisdom
     
  6. Cis.jd

    Cis.jd Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't define this in the context of integrity. He sounds young, inexperienced.. and overall a common male who is learning, just we all did (and still do). I understand how this sucks for you because you may have had hopes/ideals about sharing the 1st time experience together. I can't belittle your personal life goals or wishes. But as you get older, you realize that not every goal can happen, especially goals when it deals with "love". Love is a decision, so it's up to you what you feel is right.
     
  7. Chris V++

    Chris V++ Mostly Water Supporter

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    I don't know if anyone has said this yet and I haven't read the other comments but, given the power of the male libido, the fact that he is willing to wait with you and isn't constantly trying to subtly or vehemently pressure you speaks volumes about his character. (Presuming he isn't with someone behind your back.)
     
  8. Ronald

    Ronald Exhortations Supporter

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    As someone else advised, he lied to hold onto you long enough and avoid hurting you until your love grew strong enough to handle this information. If he told you up front, he feared he would not have a chance with you.
    We are insecure with relationships which is the reason we present only our best in the beginning.
    That said, a relationship with a compulsive liar won't work. Ask him if there is anything else - tell me now?
    There's no rush to marry, put it off, but give him the benefit of the doubt. If you discover he lies often, you can't trust him.
    Pray for guidance everyday, God will answer your prayer. Sometimes emotions get in the way of rational thinking and even spiritual guidance. God can be obviously leading us in the right direction and we can go in another - ignoring that inner voice. It happens to the best of us.

    Look inside this guy apart from how he treats you.
    How does he greet others?
    Do you see the fruit of the Spirit in him, (as he relates to the world, not just you)?
    Does he having these qualities: Love, kindness, joy, peace, goodness, patience, self control, faith, hope.
    Does he love the LORD, study his Bible, pray - apart from you?
    How is his relationships with his parents and long term friends? How do they view him?
    This is one reason why arranged marriages are successful, the kids don't decide, because romances can be deceiving, irrational, with emotions getting in the way if thinking clearly; so while the parents know their children and who would be a good match for them, they choose wisely.
    I'M NOT SUGGESTING AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE, just making a point.
    How do your parents really see Him and how does his parents see You? And close friends can offer valuable input as well.
    I made a mistake and didn't listen to people around me, nor were my parents involved 3000 miles away so I went on feelings ... How wonderful she was in the beginning. There was also a gut feeling that I ignored, she drank and couldn't control it - it wasn't always, just whenever she drank ... this led to drugs down the road too. This was before I was a Christian, so I was lost anyways.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2019
  9. PoppyB

    PoppyB Active Member

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    In today's society it's pretty unrealistic to expect both parties in a relationship to be virgins when they marry unless they have been Christians from before sexual awareness kicked in. Mostly people have had lives before Christ but that should be counted as forgiven and in the past.
     
  10. PoppyB

    PoppyB Active Member

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    Do you love him? Can you imagine life without him? Has he done anything else to make you not trust him? It sounds to me as if you are just trying to find an excuse to break up with this young man. But he has feelings too. Does he know you are discussing him like this with strangers. Because is he doesn't then you are breaking his trust on this very private matter. Hope you have been helped to come to a decision.
     
  11. DearHolySpirit

    DearHolySpirit Member

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    Nothing worse? Two people not knowing what to do on their wedding night = two people who have listened to God about His intention for sex

    I am a 34 year old virgin and let me tell you, if I find a virgin man and neither of us know what to do on our wedding night, then this is where relying on God comes in. We patiently waited, we did our part, and God will do His. This is why I find your "nothing worse than two people not knowing what to do on their wedding night" comment to be problematic. In God's eyes, there is nothing BETTER than two people not knowing what to do because they are not supposed to know before their wedding night! And don't forget that you are not expected to figure it all out in one day. You have your whole marriage ahead of you to learn. I didn't think you would say anything like this because when you speak prophetically, it sounds nothing like what you wrote on here.
     
  12. tryphena rose

    tryphena rose Daughter of the Most High

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    I 100% agree with you. When I was in middle school, my best friend had told me that it's better to have sex before marriage so that you can have the experience for your husband when you finally do marry. Even then, before I knew the Truths I know now, I felt inside that what she was saying was wrong. That's an incredibly worldly perspective to think such a thing as God's Word is so specific when it comes to sex being performed between a married man and a woman. This confusion seeps in when society takes it's eyes off of God. These ideas then seep into the minds of our youth, corrupting an entire generation. It's a shame to see some Christians even professing this kind of thinking as it's so far from the Truth God gives us in His Word.

    Kudos to you for staying faithful to God btw. May God continue to bless you mightily, that He guides your every step so that you may continue to walk in His Truth until Jesus's return. God bless you sister. :amen:
     
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  13. 98cwitr

    98cwitr Lord forgive me Staff Member Red Team - Moderator Supporter

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    Not marriage material. You cannot have trust without honesty, and love abides in truth. Without truth (which sometimes can hurt others), then you can't have love. Without love, you wouldn't have a successful life with him. My advice is to move on and find someone who possesses the integrity of a honest man.
     
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  14. Lord Give Me A Sign

    Lord Give Me A Sign Newbie

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    Sincere and to the point, and doesnt look to somehow blame you in anyway. We all make mistakes so i dont know how anyone could say hes not marriage material. We as Christians make mistakes sometimes just like non believers but we are redeemed by Christ and if he has a good relationship with God he will grow and develop more awareness of his sins and wrongdoings

    He might have felt alot of regret or guilt for quite some time holding his secret in. I think if he seemed relieved after he told you that would be a good thing, that would suggest he was sincere
     
  15. Healing with Jesus

    Healing with Jesus merciful listener

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    I am so glad you said this. A worldly perspective has taken hold, masquerading as grace, but really it's condoning sin (which is a sin, @Oscarr). That cheapens the marriage bed. I confess to having done that in the past, and I have repented. The marriage bed should be pure, which means truthful first and foremost. And just because the world says "it's ok" doesn't mean it's ok. I said "it's ok" and regret that I did not give that to my husband.

    It is a lifelong regret.


    With that being said, I'm going to put on my sinner's badge. I confess my sins not to revel in them, but to share my experiences, in hopes they may elucidate the path for others.

    I lied to my husband in the beginning of our relationship. I felt like I had to. It became part of a pattern for me. My husband is highly moral, and I often felt that I didn't live up to his standards. So when he asked me about my past, I would lie. I felt like I couldn't tell my husband (then boyfriend) the truth.

    Disclaimer: It is a sin that I lied, and my rationale was beyond senseless. (To make up for my lack of morality, I did something immoral, which is lie. That's flesh thinking for you.) I did not have the mind of Christ.

    I did not do what your boyfriend did, which is confess the truth. That was very brave of him, and probably pretty difficult. I'm glad he did it, because now you know (more of) the truth.

    Is lying, deceiving, being secretive, or hiding a pattern of behavior for your boyfriend? Or is he one who Jesus would address saying, "in whom there is no guile?"

    Does he have the mind of Christ? ASK the Lord for WISDOM to discern this, sister. You sound confused and Abba doesn't want that. I'm praying for you. You may look back and see this time as a crossroads in your life. And this may be more about your relationship with Jesus than your boyfriend.

    When you are before God in prayer, what is He impressing upon you? Do you feel that He is giving you the choice? Or is He drawing you into obedience one way or the other?

    The book of James is full of beautiful spiritual wisdom.
    “And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.”
    ‭‭James‬ ‭3:18‬ ‭KJV‬‬
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2019
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  16. jannikitty

    jannikitty Widows trust in God.

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    If he has not lied about anything else that you know of ask yourself "why" he lied to you. Maybe he thought that if he told the truth he might lose you since you have not had sex before marriage and want to wait. (which is good). So mainly your issue is one of trust. You are wise to consider whether this will be a pattern with him or simply a one time thing he did because he may have thought the truth could cause you to break the relationship. Best as you do forgive him it is good to continue to test the waters more before you do marry him. You are so right to be cautious. (not because he made a mistake and had sex before marriage but because he lied to you.) It is to his credit that he has admitted it to you. He could have continued to perpetuate the lie and he didn't. He has owned up and confessed. I surely see that as a good thing in your relationship..but still good to be praying about whether you want marriage or not. Of course, being married 56 years (he is now deceased) I found that sometimes husbands like many people will lie so to keep disagreeable information (like money problems, job problems, etc.) from you. And my husband did not have sex before we married. We were both virgins and we learned "how to" together. Prayers for you both this morning. Blessings.
     
  17. Ronald

    Ronald Exhortations Supporter

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    I noticed an error in my last post, the part about an ARRANGED marriage. I meant to make a point, NOT TO SUGGEST ONE.
     
  18. Mountainmanbob

    Mountainmanbob Goat Whisperer Supporter

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    If you cannot forgive him best to move on.

    If you think that in time you can forgive him, put him on a one year probation period and give it all much thought.

    I got totally honest right before we got married while in Christian premarital counseling. Our marriage has been working fine for 13 years.

    My issue was a (little different) but, still something that needed to be reckoned with.

    M-Bob
     
  19. GirdYourLoins

    GirdYourLoins Well-Known Member

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    A strong relationship is not just about having a good relationship, more importantly its about how you get through the problems and hard times. This is just one thing to get through.
     
  20. salt-n-light

    salt-n-light Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I get it, but it’s up to you.

    Is this a lie worth breaking off the relationship? Did he know that that was a deal-breaker for you starting off the relationship? When it comes to relationship people have the freedom to leave or stay for whichever reason, but communication is key. If it truly bothers you, bring it up and makes plans to move forward. If you don’t plan to move forward and the distrust is that great, then let him know and leave.

    Either way, it will take a toll if you don’t communicate, it’s an easy way to be resentful, and that spirit is not what is going to make a lasting relationship.

    But I’m assuming since this whole time that he didn’t cheat nor pressured you to have sex that he respects God, you, and the relationship.Those are good attributes to have if you are looking towards marriage. Keep note of that.
     
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