My boyfriend lied to me about being a virgin

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!
First, why did he tell you? Second, would you have dated him if he was upfront with you in the beginning?
 
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devin553344

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

Address the lying only. We need to be without guile in relationships. God bless :)
 
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devin553344

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Have you ever lied to him or withheld something because you were embarrassed or ashamed? Everybody lies....if we’re honest about it.

THanks for that I was wondering when a white lie is OK. Hurting people is not OK, lie if the truth is too harsh! :)
 
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EmmaCat

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My husband was open and hconest with me, and he had had relations with a woman before. But he was wonderful and honored my wish to save it until the honeymoon.

Sometimes some men have had relations before, and it is good they wait for you. That's not always a bad thing. You need to open up communication and address the issue, and speak of this and talk it through.

All good things
Emmy
 
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trophy33

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Every problem can be solved in a relationship, except of lies. Lies and distrust will eat it from inside. Liars never lie in just one thing.

I would never want to be in a relationship with a liar again (I was).

I do not want to say to you what to do, relationships are always complicated and painful, when you wanted or loved the guy, you experienced many things together etc. Its on you, if you can deal with lies and with distrust.

Its also good, if you want to hear truths, to not create an atmosphere of fear or lose when one will tell you it. Would you be with him, knowing he was not a virgin? Did you express it enough? Some people lie because they have no character, some people can lie because of such fears of loosing you.

Pathological liars will not change, somebody who lied in few things because he did not want to lose you, can change. So, you should probably intensively research his general character, if he is a good, fair man or not.
 
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Cis.jd

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

Honestly, you may need to look at things more maturely, especially in relationships. If you are losing distrust over something that is nearly common and have this confusion on what to do, then you are still young in this relationship stuff. Get over it and don't worry about it anymore. His past, is his past.
 
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Cis.jd

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Every problem can be solved in a relationship, except of lies. Lies and distrust will eat it from inside. Liars never lie in just one thing.

I would never want to be in a relationship with a liar again (I was).

I do not want to say to you what to do, relationships are always complicated and painful, when you wanted or loved the guy, you experienced many things together etc. Its on you, if you can deal with lies and with distrust.

Its also good, if you want to hear truths, to not create an atmosphere of fear or lose when one will tell you it. Would you be with him, knowing he was not a virgin? Did you express it enough? Some people lie because they have no character, some people can lie because of such fears of loosing you.

Pathological liars will not change, somebody who lied in few things because he did not want to lose you, can change. So, you should probably intensively research his general character, if he is a good, fair man or not.
Well, if you are realistic then you should prepare to remain single all your life because i will tell you that no matter who you are with, there will be days where the person will lie.

If his/her head hurts and just wants to go to bed, but tells you that he is fine so that he can help you with whatever you need. Doesn't enjoy going to your relatives house but says "he had fun" anyway so your feelings will get upset... It's the gravity of the lie that makes the situation though.
 
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trophy33

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Well, if you are realistic then you should prepare to remain single all your life because i will tell you that no matter who you are with, there will be days where the person will lie.

If his/her head hurts and just wants to go to bed, but tells you that he is fine so that he can help you with whatever you need. Doesn't enjoy going to your relatives house but says "he had fun" anyway so your feelings will get upset... It's the gravity of the lie that makes the situation though.
I will rather stay single than to live with somebody who lies to make him look better. I do not care about "social lies" like "the meal was good", of course.
 
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lsume

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!
You need to do some very serious praying before you marry. Please continue to keep yourself by The Grace of God The Father.
 
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Ken Rank

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One thing about it is that one of you will know what to do on the wedding night. Nothing worse than two of you not knowing, and the guy not being as gentle as he should be considering that you will be a virgin on your wedding night.
To me, this post is unbelievable in a "Christian" advice section. Marriage, in the bible, is a sacred covenant that is sealed like any other biblical covenant, in blood. To condone an action where a woman lost her virginity before marriage, or he was with somebody else who had already lost her virginity, promotes an action that stands against the character and will of our Creator.

@jenna p you have every right not to trust him. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't be given a second chance and be given an opportunity to EARN that trust back. And I would go down that route, and make sure you are back to a point of trust, BEFORE marrying him. If you never get back that point of full trust... walk away. There are others... :)
 
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JacksBratt

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!
People lie for different reasons. Is it possible that he felt he would lose you if he told the truth?

People have to be really comfortable and must have utmost trust in you..... if you want them to be fully honest... especially about things as serious and personal as this.
 
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Ronald

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

As someone else said, "We are all sinners." If you thought that you were setting yourself up for this perfect marriage, think again. You will have many more issues in life, many more disappointments. You must be willing to take the good with the bad and in time, you will both work towards being Christ-like.
He met you and you captivated him, he liked you a lot and then fell in love. Obviously, he needed to impress you. He showed his best qualities to win you over. It is typical in new romantic relationships to do this. You present your best. You hide your flaws and idiosyncrasies, and are in agreement with each other on all issues: religion, politics, goals, family, etc. You don't want to show your temper, impatience, you watch your language, don't pick your nose, etc. You open the door and show manners AS IF that's been part of your being. The women is impressed, " Wow, this guy is a perfect gentleman, the man of my dreams"! Let's get real, every girl wants that fairy tale knight in shining armor, but when you look close, oops, he's not so shiny. Look at a beautiful garden from a distance and it looks like paradise. Move closer and closer and see bug infested plants with holes and rotted leaves, some diseases and lots of defects. Hey, we will all get perfect bodies someday and live in a perfect environment without sin, but until then, it's all around us. I'm not perfect and neither is my wife or my daughter or my dog.
Do you think your parents never lied to you? Mostly, to protect you or for your own good. My mother has carried a lie with her that she'll probably take to her grave. When you have kids, they will lie as soon as they can talk. "Did you break this lamp Johnny?" "No, my sister did it." They will test you, manipulate you, lie to you, to get what they want. You'll catch them, punish them and they will be good for a while, then later will do something else. Wait till you here them cuss or come home with a tatoo or hopefully you won't have to get that call, Mom, I'm in jail, can you bail me out."

Backing up a bit.
After about 1 1/2 - 2 years, when you have become comfortable with each other and have spent lots of time together, you begin to relax and some of those flaws begin to show themselves. "Ah, what the heck, I got her now ... I'm gonna pass gas or swear if I feel like it or whatever ... or let her get that door herself - what is she crippled ... Or Now it's time to tell her who I really am, Im not a virgin! Oh and by the way, I not the owner of a company, I don't have lots of money, I actually have a huge debt, while I've been treating you and buying you all those gifts ..." The truth is, people can only hide their flaws for so long. Eventually you will see them. Even Dr. LAURA used to advise couples to at least two years of courtship before marriage, to allow enough time to see who they really are - for the flaws to surface.
If this is the only thing he kept from you, you can forgive and be hopeful - He might be closer to a saint then most guys out there? Just tell him to put everything on the table now ... "Is there anything else you need to tell me?"

What about You? You aren't perfect. What flaws have you been hiding? Time to reveal them too.
I hate liars though, more than anything. Let's hope he doesn't open up a chest full of lies. I would rather know the flaws and have a person present themselves honestly up front, but people either have a hard time doing that or are just in denial of their own sinful state.
 
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Deborah D

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!


Hi, Jenna, I like your name. :)

I know you're getting a lot of advice, some godly and some not so godly. I'll just add my two cents worth as an older female.

Lying is a very serious offense. At least, that's what God says about it. It wouldn't be good to believe that this is not serious. He started his relationship with you partly based on a lie. There's no getting around this.

Many people today think that virginity is not all that important. I do, and obviously you do too. So, he lied to you about something that's very important to you.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I think you should break up with him based on his telling you a lie, but if I were in your shoes, I would wonder if he's lying about anything else. This would definitely damage my trust. This is not a good start to a relationship that could lead to marriage.

All I can say for sure is that you need to pray about it and see what the Lord shows you to do. If you know people around you who also know him and could give you wise counsel, especially someone like a pastor, I would seek their counsel.

I pray that you will have God's wisdom in this situation!

Blessings!
Deborah
 
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eleos1954

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

well ... I'd let him know that lies really bothers you and maybe have a discussion about honesty in general .... ie are little lies ok etc? People have difference perceptions about lies ... in that they see them in "degrees".

So, you feel this way .... you need to be honest with him as well.

Honesty in marriage is paramount.
 
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Kenny'sID

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But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else.

I'd guess that's because you haven't truly forgiven him, as in like it never happened.

And don't get me wrong, that is very hard to do...not sure I could in a case like this, and "saying" you forgive him may be all that's necessary as long as your sincere, and I believe you are.

Yes, something like that can mean one might have tendencies, but don't we all to some degree? I think I would go more with an overall opinion over defining him by that one thing. But in the end you aren't really doing that now, but only trying to figure things out at this point so, just some things to keep in mind.
 
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Lost4words

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You love him. He loves you. You have ups and downs throughout life. Its all about working them out and moving on, together. No relationship is straightforward and easy.

Sometimes skeletons come out of the cupboard!

You need to talk. Tell him that if there are any more skeletons to get them out of the cupboard now. Once and for all. Then, start with a clean slate. Both of you.

God bless you both
 
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jenna p

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First, why did he tell you? Second, would you have dated him if he was upfront with you in the beginning?
He told me because he felt convicted. It was making him feel sick. Since we are dating for marriage, he should have told me that a long time ago. If he had told me a long time ago, I would have kept dating him, yes. I am now just questioning his integrity.
 
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jenna p

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THanks for that I was wondering when a white lie is OK. Hurting people is not OK, lie if the truth is too harsh! :)
I disagree. One must tell the truth even it not so pleasant. The bible teaches us that. Ephesians 4:25, 2 Corinthians 8:21, Proverbs 10:9 are a few verses that touch on it.
 
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