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Featured My boyfriend lied to me about being a virgin

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by jenna p, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

    My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!
     
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  2. Oscarr

    Oscarr Senior Veteran Supporter

    +6,451
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    Whoops! You realised that he ain't no Jesus, and that he is a sinner like all the rest of us!
     
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  3. Oscarr

    Oscarr Senior Veteran Supporter

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    One thing about it is that one of you will know what to do on the wedding night. Nothing worse than two of you not knowing, and the guy not being as gentle as he should be considering that you will be a virgin on your wedding night.
     
  4. dzheremi

    dzheremi Coptic Orthodox non-Egyptian

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    If it were me (and note: I'm a man, in my later 30s...if that helps put some of this advice into context), and I were you, I would tell him as calmly as possible basically what you just wrote here, but maybe phrase it in a way that makes it clear that you're still committed to him, but that it does create some trust issues. Maybe something like this: I forgive you for lying to me, so I'm not mad about you having kept this from me, but I am concerned because I was being completely open to you, so I thought you were doing the same. So that we can avoid situations like this in the future, can we please talk about what kept you from telling me the truth?

    - - -

    Something that leaves it open ended so that he can talk about whatever drove the behavior could actually get to the root of whatever is going on in his head better than just asking "What else are you keeping from me?" would, which could come off sounding very accusatory (not saying that it would; I don't know your relationship dynamics).

    A lot of times people lie because they want you to think better of them than they think of themselves. If he knows now that he should have waited but didn't, it's essentially admitting that he can't meet the standard that you have, which could make him think that he should lie because otherwise you could find someone else who doesn't have a past, whereas maybe you don't even think of things in those terms. How will either of you know where the other is coming from if you don't talk about it?

    Try to turn it into an opportunity to learn more about one another and move forward from there as you can. Treat it as something to approach together. That'd be my basic advice. Best of luck to you.
     
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  5. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

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    I would say it depends on the circumstances of how he came clean about his lie (was he forced into it, etc), why he lied in the first place (it seems rather odd in this day and age to lie about this), and how sincere you think he is now. The problem, AISI, is in determining how truthful any of his statements have been, are, or will be. If the relationship is to continue, you have to reestablish trust. Take your time and don't be forced into something you're not comfortable with.
     
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  6. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    1. Do you believe that he has been authentic with you, otherwise?
    2. Do you think that he has been/is/will be faithful to you, going forward?
    3. If you do, which do you hold to be more important: two indiscretions (that he eventually confessed), or a person & character that you have fallen in love with?
    If #1 & #2 are not true, then it is time to move on.
     
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  7. Brian Mcnamee

    Brian Mcnamee Well-Known Member

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    that is very good advice and shows some wisdom...
     
  8. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    I think it's good he shared the truth with you in the end and should forgive him and move on.

    It's in the past. I suggest not dwelling on it and moving on and love him. He sounds like a good guy to be able to wait until marriage this time around.

    Forgiveness is the key if you want to move forwards.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2019
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  9. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    Thank you for your helpful and wise response. I appreciate it!
    Yeah, he definitely is ashamed of his actions and that is probably the main reason he kept it from me. He also was scared of losing me, perhaps thinking that his past would be a dealbreaker. He said he felt overly convicted and that's what led him to finally tell me. We did talk about why he didnt tell me etc. But now I'm stuck in a place where I almost don't wanna bring it up again because it was very painful for him to talk about and I told him that it is done and that I forgive him and that it's all good. It wouldnt the right place or time to ask basically "so what else are you lying to me about"? I don't know how to word that. Or perhaps I shouldnt ask and I should just see how it plays out. I have caught him in two very small lies besides this big one. What do you think?
     
  10. Brian Mcnamee

    Brian Mcnamee Well-Known Member

    +684
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    hi in life we want to make a good 1st impression. your boyfriend sized you up as a straight forward Christian women and held back fearing you would reject him. It is much better that he admitted it on this side of the alter as he never need have told you. He knew this admission would cost something and he made it anyways. He may still be holding back a little as for me there never only once. Once you have gone there it is much easier to return there. I think the big question you have to ask is he able to commit now and look forward and move forward together. You don't need to know the exact count or every detail but you need to believe from the day you say i do that this man will be true no matter what his past.
     
  11. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    I appreciate your response.
    I have caught him in two small lies beside this big lie. And I think sometimes he might fib but his fib is more a play on words or perhaps something he does by accident or is so small that it doesn't matter. But yes, he has been/is/will be faithful to me I know for sure.
    Thanks for your help. Thought?
     
  12. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    Yeah I think it was his own pride that kept it from me, understandable, but still not acceptable. I feel pretty hurt. I mean I trusted this guy. I guess we will move forward and see if I detect any more lies.
     
  13. jenna p

    jenna p New Member

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    Yeah totally. Makes sense. Thank you for your response. His fear of rejection is no excuse for him not to tell me. We all have stuff. I have shared stuff with him that could make him run. I would be more understanding of him if he had told me within the first 3-4 months of dating. But yeah I highly doubt it was just once. Who knows
     
  14. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    We all have "stuff." We just have to weigh what is negligible and what is a deal-breaker.

    "And above all things have fervent love for one another, for 'love will cover a multitude of sins.'” 1 Peter 4:8 (Proverbs 10:12) NKJV
     
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  15. Sparagmos

    Sparagmos Well-Known Member

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    Have you ever lied to him or withheld something because you were embarrassed or ashamed? Everybody lies....if we’re honest about it.
     
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  16. Contenders Edge

    Contenders Edge Member

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    Did he explain why he lied to you about something like that? And what effort is he making to restore your trust? How honest has he been with you overall? When I met my wife, I wanted to make absolutely sure that our relationship was founded on trust and honesty. We held nothing back because I didn’t want any surprises further into our relationship. I wanted to be absolutely sure that she was who she appeared to be and claimed to be.

    But had she lied about, say for example, her age, past history, or what her occupation was, I would have been wondering about what else she lied about and even if she expressed sincere remorse for her deception, she would have had to win back my trust, and personally, unless a sincere effort was made to regain my trust, I would have had serious reservations about pursuing the relationship any further.

    I would strongly advise caution on your part from now on unless your boyfriend has made an honest effort to regain your trust because if you don’t, you will suffer needless misery and heartache that could otherwise be avoided.
     
  17. Norbert L

    Norbert L Well-Known Member Supporter

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    If it were me, I would want to talk with his ex and see what kind of response he will give.
     
  18. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

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    Admitting your not a virgin is very hard. You usually keep it hidden because you are worried the person will leave you if they find out. That said if you have concerns I would just ask him and nicely as possible. Say something like:

    "You know I love you <name> and I know you were afraid to tell me because of fear of rejection and so on. I thank you for telling me. But I just want to know if there is anything else I need to know? Now is the time to tell me. If there is nothing else hidden then we are all good and I can put it behind me!"

    Now if he says there is nothing else but then down the road he did have another secret, I'd be concerned. If two are going to join as one then there should be nothing to hide. No matter what it is. I'm not saying someone has to recall single moment of their life of course. But eventually when married things will come out if you have hidden them. And it slowly ruins the marriage since trust levels go down.

    Before my wife and I were engaged she was really upset and told me I needed to know that she wasn't a virgin. She said it was ok if I didn't want to be with her over it, she understood it was bad. She was relieved to find out perfection doesn't exist since I too was not a virgin. Yes it was sad we weren't virgins, but at least we were open about it.

    Admittedly you may think about it at first like, even if you forgive him. But it will go away assuming there is nothing else being hidden. Just don't treat him like a convict. lol
     
  19. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    Aw, don't do anymore lie detecting. You'll end up paranoid looking through his phone, computer looking for things.. and it just drives yourself and him crazy.

    Just enjoy each other and forgive him if you can. It sounds like you're just mad which is normal but if you let it fester, it can drive the man crazy.

    As you grow in your relationship, you find each partner aren't perfect and you just learn to love each other. Warts and all.

    Everyone does lie. Sometimes they lie to not hurt your feelings. A good relationship is a relationship built on trust and communication. Not so much telling each other all of our secrets from the past. Especially those we have previously had relationships with. The past is a can of worms. So put your can opener away.

    Trust is, on your part in terms of trusting that even when he falls short, that you will still love him as Christ loves you. If you keep picking at him, it will drive you guys nuts.

    If your reaction is calm and understanding, then he'll reveal all his secrets to you. But if you go snooping around with a can opener and finger pointing at him, he will hide and not want to share because of the fear.

    So put the lie detector away. Men need a woman who they can trust their secrets with without a lie detector pointed at them. It's not how Christ looks at us either. Jesus does not go around pointing out our many flaws.

    He sounds like a good guy who shared a secret with you because he obviously doesn't want to hide info anymore. But the more you go around looking for more things, the further it drives a male away.

    Having said this, you have needs. That is honesty in the relationship. You state your need once and move on. If he loves you, he'll want to be honest if he can trust that your emotional reaction will be understanding to his past/present/future secrets.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2019
  20. GOD Shines Forth!

    GOD Shines Forth! Member

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    That will be one of a million or so things you will end up forgiving him for (marriage requires that!)

    OR

    That will be the wedge in the door leading to the destruction of your relationship.

    YOU decide. (Hopefully before you marry.)
     
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