moving in together?

[jX2005]

Wow, whats the big deal about moving in together? People can make their own decisions. We don't have to follow "guidelines". Just because we live together doesn't mean we will have sex. Get some self-control people...

 

[PurpleBunny]

Ahh... but self-control is not always easy. The best thing to do is avoid situations where one has to use self-control.

 

[flounder7786]

i dont like it...hehe...cause i would prolly scare josh off...JUST KIDDING...i just think its one of those things that you find out when married...and thats where it shoud stay...i think living together is a sacred thing...not something that you should even do while engaged, although that is EXTREMLY tempting...its just not good...

 

[JillLars]

My fiance and I live together, however, we made a spiritual committment to one another long before we ever decided to move in together. We promised ourselves to each other, to God. I think that many people take the decision too lightly, and treat it like a "trial period", that was never the case with us.

 

[Bowling Pin]

Exactly JillLars!
I am not an advocate of living together as an extension of dating. My fiance and I living together for about 58 days pre-wedding is more about money, lease dates, availability of time and helpers for moving furniture, and reducing stress before our wedding ceremony than it is about a trial run. Our pastor actually told us it would be good and make our marriage have a smoother start because of all the stress and drama involved with moving and merging belongings. She was right! We are about 3 days from finishing this move and we've had many times where we've been cranky, tired, frustrated and other things that I'm so glad won't be associated in our memories with our first days of marriage!!

 

[charligirl]

I agree with the others - but would also like to add something from my experience.

Moving in together after the wedding as man and wife is SO special, it is the 'getting to know each other's habits' that is part of the magical few months of marriage. Even waking up in the same house and sharing a bathroom before the wedding can take the edge off of that.

Intimacy is MUCH more than sharing a bed and sex, and sharing a house is part of that.

My advice would be to keep as much as you can special to be new and intimate after your get wed.

 

[JillLars]

I agree with the others - but would also like to add something from my experience.

Moving in together after the wedding as man and wife is SO special, it is the 'getting to know each other's habits' that is part of the magical few months of marriage. Even waking up in the same house and sharing a bathroom before the wedding can take the edge off of that.

Intimacy is MUCH more than sharing a bed and sex, and sharing a house is part of that.

My advice would be to keep as much as you can special to be new and intimate after your get wed.

Josh and I have lived together for 2.5 years, and it is still special to wake up next to him each morning, share a bathroom with him, and know that I have someone to come home to each night. It won't be dissapointing to me after our wedding, it will be just a special as it always has been, and hopefully it will continue to be special for the rest of our lives.

 

[charligirl]

Josh and I have lived together for 2.5 years, and it is still special to wake up next to him each morning, share a bathroom with him, and know that I have someone to come home to each night. It won't be dissapointing to me after our wedding, it will be just a special as it always has been, and hopefully it will continue to be special for the rest of our lives.

If I remember from past posts you and Josh have already made that marriage committment to each other and already live as man and wife, so once you are married things won't change hugely anyway.

 

[JillLars]

If I remember from past posts you and Josh have already made that marriage committment to each other and already live as man and wife, so once you are married things won't change hugely anyway.

You're right Things won't change much except for hopefully buying a house and having some babies.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I can't imagine living with a man who doesn't respect me enough to put a ring on my finger and want me to be his wife more than anything in the world. I can't imagine living with a man who disrespects me enough to expect me to sleep in his bed and have sex with him--running the risk of disease and unwed pregnancy--before marriage. I can't imagine buying into a lie of a so-called 'spiritual union' with someone who doesn't love me enough to make it official. I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel waking up in bed with a man who isn't mine to be sharing a bed with. I can't imagine the fear I'd feel, knowing there is absolutely no commitment there, and the next best thing that my guy lays his eyes on could be sharing his bed next. I can't imagine the distrust I'd feel, sharing my life, finances and family with a man who I don't trust to be my husband.

Does anybody see where I'm going with this? There are so many negatives and uncertainty and bad that comes from living together. Couples who cohabitate are twice as likely to end up divorced, due to a lack of overall commitment to a marriage. Women who live with men who won't marry them are twice as likely to have depression. There are definite patterns with couples who cohabitate, most of which take the couple down a path of destruction. Keep yourself pure, and keep your marriage healthy. Don't live together beforehand.

 

[Bowling Pin]

Island Breeze, I think you're being very dramatic in your assessment of the way you see living together. I know in my situation, I am very proudly and happily living with my fiance for the next two months and I know beyond any doubt that he adores me and respects me and we are put together by God and our marriage will be blessed and eternal. Our wedding is less than two months away, rings are purchased, wedding clothes bought and paid for, invitations sent. This is a DONE DEAL.

And I'm really sad that you think so little of women that the man is the villian in your little story. Why do you think that relationships are so unequal that the woman is a simpering fool who "falls for" some man professioning love and that only the big bad man would try to con someone into his bed for "dangerous" sex. Sex isn't dangerous, honey, it is a beautiful, passionate, emotional connection that couples who are equals in love and spiritual unity SHARE. You paint a picture of a lascivious man tricking some innocent flower into a life of depression and dispair. I entered into my situation with my heart full of love and joy and am honored to be in our home together and share our daily lives to the fullest. That is true, adult commitment, and nothing is going to be different other than my last name between today and the weeks and months and years following our wedding day.

 

[LiberatedChick]

I can't imagine living with a man who doesn't respect me enough to put a ring on my finger and want me to be his wife more than anything in the world.

It's not a question of respect imo. There are many, many reasons why people have to hold off on marriage for a while but have to live together anyway. Doesn't mean there's no respect there, doesn't mean that they won't ever get married. Just means that just so happens to be the situation they're in and they have to live with it the best they can.

I can't imagine living with a man who disrespects me enough to expect me to sleep in his bed and have sex with him--running the risk of disease and unwed pregnancy--before marriage.

Firstly, it takes two to tango. Secondly, if he's got an STD before you marry he's still going to have it after too. STD's don't just disappear once you're husband and wife and men (and women for that matter) are perfectly capable of staying commited and not sleeping around during relationships.

I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel waking up in bed with a man who isn't mine to be sharing a bed with. I can't imagine the fear I'd feel, knowing there is absolutely no commitment there, and the next best thing that my guy lays his eyes on could be sharing his bed next.

Again, just because there's no piece of metal, witnessed vows or signed paper doesn't mean there isn't commitment. If you're living with someone it's more difficult to just walk away than if you're not. If you're married the difficulty factor just increases. Men and women can and do walk away from marriages just as they can and do walk away from a non-married relationship.

Women who live with men who won't marry them are twice as likely to have depression.

From reading the rest of these posts, most if not all the cases are with engaged couples. They're engaged to be married...hardly living with someone who won't marry them.

There are definite patterns with couples who cohabitate, most of which take the couple down a path of destruction. Keep yourself pure, and keep your marriage healthy. Don't live together beforehand.

In the ideal world people wouldn't live with someone before marrying them. In the ideal world we'd all be able to afford our own houses and live separately or afford to get married straight away. This is not an ideal world. Whilst not living together before married is good for several reasons there are perfectly acceptable reasons why living together before is good too. Couples have to pick the most sensible option based on there beliefs and circumstances.

 

[Cordy]

I think it is pretty simple. Sexual purity is emphasized throughout the Bible. It is wrong to have premarital/extra-marital sex. It is wrong to put yourself in a situation where you will be tempted to sin. Since we are to avoid the appearance of evil (what is wrong and sinful), we should not live together.

If you are ready to spend your lives together, forget playing house, just get married. Don’t enter this incredible union in semi-commitment. Look at Mary and Joseph in the Bible. Jesus’s parents were betrothed. Being betrothed is being promised to marry, but the commitment of betrothal in that time is equivalent to a legal marriage today (much more commitment then our understanding of "engagement"). To break a betrothal was equivalent to getting a divorce in our time. Sounds pretty official – but it was NOT marriage. Mary and Joseph did not know each other, have sex, during this time because although they were extremely committed to each other, they were not married.

Some of the most exciting things about getting married are sharing a house with your new spouse, learning each other’s quirks, and adjusting to this new lifestyle. The adjusting is a FUN thing, and something to be looked forward to, not something you need to ease into before marriage. Do I still have fun living with my husband? Yeah! It is a blast. But those first few days, then weeks, then months of being married and experiencing everything new together where incredibly special. I know those memories would not be so wonderful if we had had our first living together moments without the commitment of marriage.

Also, statistically, cohabitation (living together) GREATLY increases your chance of divorce. I have friends, who are not Christians, who will not move in with each other until they are officially married - just because they know the facts and they want to have a strong marriage.

Don’t sell yourself short. God’s way is always best, and a pure marriage (sexually and otherwise) is certainly worth waiting for.

 

[Bowling Pin]

I would love to see some source material on this theory that living together before marriage causes divorce. Adultery, unwillingness to compromise, abuse, lack of commitment, desertion, getting "tired" of each other--those are the things that cause divorce, not your address before your wedding.

 

[IslandBreeze]

This is a DONE DEAL.

Actually, it's not. What would you do if he didn't show up for the wedding? Oops? I guess it's not a done deal... It's not a done deal until you've said I DO. Until you've confessed to God 'till death do us part' it is not a done deal.

And I'm really sad that you think so little of women that the man is the villian in your little story.

I don't think very highly of any woman who lives with a man she isn't married to. If you want to 'play house,' if living together is THAT important, why not go ahead and get married?

Why do you think that relationships are so unequal that the woman is a simpering fool who "falls for" some man professioning love and that only the big bad man would try to con someone into his bed for "dangerous" sex. Sex isn't dangerous, honey, it is a beautiful, passionate, emotional connection that couples who are equals in love and spiritual unity SHARE.

I'm a married woman. Please don't patronize me about sex and relationships. Sex IS a beautiful, passionate, emotional connection--for married adults.

 

[IslandBreeze]

It's not a question of respect imo. There are many, many reasons why people have to hold off on marriage for a while but have to live together anyway.

Nobody "has" to live together. It's a choice. There are many excuses why people fool themselves into thinking it's okay or excuses as to how they can justify it, but it's not a "have to" situation.

Doesn't mean there's no respect there, doesn't mean that they won't ever get married.

I'm not saying they won't ever get married. But ABC news came out with a huge poll about a year ago. The number one reason men didn't want to get married? They didn't have to have to be married to have sex. Women are selling themselves short by sleeping with men they aren't married to.

Firstly, it takes two to tango. Secondly, if he's got an STD before you marry he's still going to have it after too. STD's don't just disappear once you're husband and wife and men (and women for that matter) are perfectly capable of staying commited and not sleeping around during relationships.

However, someone willing to be promiscuous is more likely to have an STD than someone who is willing to wait until marriage to have sex.

From reading the rest of these posts, most if not all the cases are with engaged couples. They're engaged to be married...hardly living with someone who won't marry them.

That still doesn't make it okay.

In the ideal world people wouldn't live with someone before marrying them. In the ideal world we'd all be able to afford our own houses and live separately or afford to get married straight away. This is not an ideal world.

Again, nobody "has" to live together before they're married. My husband and I lived with our parents until we got married. We bought a house 3 months before we got married, which my husband moved into by himself while I stayed at my parents. What were people doing before they were living together? They obviously had other living arrangements...

Whilst not living together before married is good for several reasons there are perfectly acceptable reasons why living together before is good too.

I don't know of one.

 

[Bowling Pin]

I guess since my future husband is a jerk who is willing to live with a **** like me, I should expect him not to show up at my wedding. Wow. How will I ever sleep at night.

My whole point was that I'm an adult, a mature one, who knows very certainly what is right and good for me and my fiance. We are Christians and are very committed to God and each other.

Congrats on making it to your marriage be a virgin. If that is what you value, you should be glad you were and proud that you kept the standards you hold dear.

My standard is different from yours but I don't believe that it is wrong.

 

[PurpleBunny]

A bit of a different spin on this topic... in Canada once you've lived together for 6 months in a romantic way, you're considered legally married and basically the same rules apply as for divorce.

So one could make a case that here, at least, living together for 6 months is just a really long marriage ceremony... (the only difference being that you can't change your last name without an actual marriage certificate--but a lot of women don't anyway).

I know this is a little off the topic of the original post but I'm just curious what peoples' reactions are to the idea.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I would love to see some source material on this theory that living together before marriage causes divorce.

Here ya go:
http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/cdc.html

http://www.smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html

http://www2.duq.edu/familyinstitute/templates/features/csmf/cohab.html

http://members.aol.com/cohabiting/rate.htm.

http://www.civitas.org.uk/hwu/cohabitation.php

Do you need more? I can keep going...

 

[LiberatedChick]

Nobody "has" to live together. It's a choice. There are many excuses why people fool themselves into thinking it's okay or excuses as to how they can justify it, but it's not a "have to" situation.

It is a choice but a choice based upon situations. Yes so no one is putting a gun to someones head and forcing them to go live with someone. No one is threatened into this choice but their are plenty of situations that feel like you are being backed into a corner with only one way to go. Every situation is entirely different and so there is no way you, I nor anyone else can judge them all to be the same. We CAN'T tar everyones lives with the same brush. The world doesn't work like that.

However, someone willing to be promiscuous is more likely to have an STD than someone who is willing to wait until marriage to have sex.

Just because a couple are living together unmarried doesn't mean they've ever been or ever will be promiscuous. It doesn't mean that they're not waiting for marriage either. Living together does not equal sleeping together. A higher temptation maybe, but that depends on the people involved.