[MOVED] Marriage: addiction cycle.. any advice?

[Alisa7777777]

Hi all! I’ve been married to a screen-addicted spouse for over four years now. He’s been addicted the whole time, and unwilling to own up to having any sort of problem the whole four years. Because of this, and coupled with pregnancy hormones, our first year of marriage was a disaster. But I eventually chalked it up to something God would take care of in His perfect timing. Eventually, through the Spirit, my husband would take the first step toward recovery by finally at least ADMITTING he had a problem! But it’s been over four years now, like I said, and... nothing. I think I’d cope a lot better if I didn’t have two young children this whole time who need a present father and holy example of a godly man. I still trust God and know He is sovereign and will take care of us all despite my husband may NEVER get his priorities in order. He doesn’t seem to prioritize his faith at all from where I’m sitting. But gets frustrated if I make any suggestions that he get close to God again, or take a walk (he also struggles with obesity and all kinds of insecurity that come with it), or play with the kids for more than 45 minutes, or find a counselor (ha!), or try to make new friends who’d be a better influence. To give God His more-than-due glory here, our marriage has improved significantly after we recently reunited after a short separation due to him being verbally/psychologically abusive... however, now that he’s back to playing his most addictive game, I feel scared we will revert to his old ways. I don’t get help around the house and so I’m constantly exhausted and feel I don’t have the time for our kids that they really deserve. I trust the Lord but I’m also horribly angry a lot, scared and frustrated, even though I love my husband and want what’s best for HIM, just as much as I want what’s best for him for myself and kids. So... does anyone have words of encouragement or tips or testimonials for my situation? I’d also be really interested in any books that may speak into this circumstance as well.
Thanks so much for reading. God bless.

 

[The Scientist of the Eternal Pinecone]

Love your husband and love God! I'd suggest asking God to give you more strength to accomplish all the tasks that are on your hands and to feel more of His love in your own life and also if I was in your shoes I'd ask God to give me more love towards the spouse. What else can we do, but to love on people as much as we can? And what else can we do than to ask God to give us more of His grace to do that towards others and Him?

May His love fill your life and may His love and presence transform you, your family and your husband. May your children see the light of our God in you and your husband (there must be some in him as well).

Klāvs

 

[Alisa7777777]

I think it’s also important to note a couple things about my own personal journey. I have a considerably strong relationship with God- I do my best to be in the Word and prayer every day. I try to implement the Bible’s teaching on marriage to submit to my husband and respect him. I guess where I’m most personally struggling in the marriage is that the first hour or two of the day my emotions are fine but as my husband spends hour after continued hour on his devices, I lose control of my emotions and nagging comes out at minimum, or a full-on fight at maximum. I don’t know how to give those emotions to God in a way that’s actually effective to prevent these types of reactions toward him.

 

[The Scientist of the Eternal Pinecone]

What I feel is that you could try to focus more on your tasks, your own personal inner life and the Lord Himself. Try to spend the day with Him and don't focus so much on your husband. It's possible that fighting etc. won't help, maybe it's time to give it up. Instead of fighting - maybe make him a cup of tea or some healthy meal with vegetables (for his weight). Instead of fighting, try to love on him. You know him best, you know what he likes and enjoys. What comes to my mind is - maybe you can try to rekindle the love that was between you when you first met and fell in love. Maybe through love he changes. Again - love your husband as much as you can and love the Lord.

May the Lord bless you.

 

[April_Rose]

Hello this is the brief introductions forum,.. may I suggest you use this forum and welcome to CF.





Requests for Christian Advice

 

[TriciaR]

Hi all! I’ve been married to a screen-addicted spouse for over four years now. He’s been addicted the whole time, and unwilling to own up to having any sort of problem the whole four years. Because of this, and coupled with pregnancy hormones, our first year of marriage was a disaster. But I eventually chalked it up to something God would take care of in His perfect timing. Eventually, through the Spirit, my husband would take the first step toward recovery by finally at least ADMITTING he had a problem! But it’s been over four years now, like I said, and... nothing. I think I’d cope a lot better if I didn’t have two young children this whole time who need a present father and holy example of a godly man. I still trust God and know He is sovereign and will take care of us all despite my husband may NEVER get his priorities in order. He doesn’t seem to prioritize his faith at all from where I’m sitting. But gets frustrated if I make any suggestions that he get close to God again, or take a walk (he also struggles with obesity and all kinds of insecurity that come with it), or play with the kids for more than 45 minutes, or find a counselor (ha!), or try to make new friends who’d be a better influence. To give God His more-than-due glory here, our marriage has improved significantly after we recently reunited after a short separation due to him being verbally/psychologically abusive... however, now that he’s back to playing his most addictive game, I feel scared we will revert to his old ways. I don’t get help around the house and so I’m constantly exhausted and feel I don’t have the time for our kids that they really deserve. I trust the Lord but I’m also horribly angry a lot, scared and frustrated, even though I love my husband and want what’s best for HIM, just as much as I want what’s best for him for myself and kids. So... does anyone have words of encouragement or tips or testimonials for my situation? I’d also be really interested in any books that may speak into this circumstance as well.
Thanks so much for reading. God bless.

Hi and welcome to CF. It's really good to have you here. I am sorry to hear about your difficulties though. My encouragement to you would be that it's great that you have found your way here.
I hope you will be able to reach out here. People will pray for you along the way. There's the Prayer Wall.

There's the Request for Christian Advice as April_Rose has mentioned. And generally do reach our whenever you need to talk, pray, discuss etc. I just hope you do find this a support, help and encouragement for you.
Really pleased you're here. Praying for you too

 

[ewq1938]

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Looking back to my childhood, I had a father who was not very spiritual, but my mother had a strong spiritual focus. The fact that my father was absent spiritually, did not affect our knowledge of what it was to be a believer. To a certain extent, children are detached from their parents, at least that is how it was for me, we make our own pathway through life. It could be a lot worse, I know of situations where Christain's are married to unbelievers who are physically abusive continually. Look for the good in your husband, continually encourage him, encouragement, and acceptance is far better than finding the negatives. If you build him up, he will be a stronger person. Back to the spiritual side for a moment, that is one area that you will never have any control over, other than to pray and encourage him to join you in prayer from time to time, maybe you could arrange daily or weekly bible study, but don't expect him to take it, you take the lead.

 

[Sketcher]

Hi all! I’ve been married to a screen-addicted spouse for over four years now. He’s been addicted the whole time, and unwilling to own up to having any sort of problem the whole four years. Because of this, and coupled with pregnancy hormones, our first year of marriage was a disaster. But I eventually chalked it up to something God would take care of in His perfect timing. Eventually, through the Spirit, my husband would take the first step toward recovery by finally at least ADMITTING he had a problem! But it’s been over four years now, like I said, and... nothing. I think I’d cope a lot better if I didn’t have two young children this whole time who need a present father and holy example of a godly man. I still trust God and know He is sovereign and will take care of us all despite my husband may NEVER get his priorities in order. He doesn’t seem to prioritize his faith at all from where I’m sitting. But gets frustrated if I make any suggestions that he get close to God again, or take a walk (he also struggles with obesity and all kinds of insecurity that come with it), or play with the kids for more than 45 minutes, or find a counselor (ha!), or try to make new friends who’d be a better influence. To give God His more-than-due glory here, our marriage has improved significantly after we recently reunited after a short separation due to him being verbally/psychologically abusive... however, now that he’s back to playing his most addictive game, I feel scared we will revert to his old ways. I don’t get help around the house and so I’m constantly exhausted and feel I don’t have the time for our kids that they really deserve. I trust the Lord but I’m also horribly angry a lot, scared and frustrated, even though I love my husband and want what’s best for HIM, just as much as I want what’s best for him for myself and kids. So... does anyone have words of encouragement or tips or testimonials for my situation? I’d also be really interested in any books that may speak into this circumstance as well.
Thanks so much for reading. God bless.

Speaking as someone who spends a lot of time in front of a screen myself (no wife though), I can say that disrupting that whole flow is harder than it should be. Which means it's harder than it should be for him, and there may be shame issues connected to it somehow, which means he is likely to negatively react to anything that might stimulate them. Baby steps to doing better are what I think may be needed.

I would say take inventory of what you want out of him when he's doing what he does and prioritize it, from most important to least. Have the most important thing at the most important time be the first baby step, and there needs to be time where he's consistently taking that to make that habit, then there's the second. And be respectful of him - he might be working, some of his stuff might otherwise be on a schedule.

What will not help is nagging. That will make it worse.

 

[ChristServant]

Hi all! I’ve been married to a screen-addicted spouse for over four years now. He’s been addicted the whole time, and unwilling to own up to having any sort of problem the whole four years. Because of this, and coupled with pregnancy hormones, our first year of marriage was a disaster. But I eventually chalked it up to something God would take care of in His perfect timing. Eventually, through the Spirit, my husband would take the first step toward recovery by finally at least ADMITTING he had a problem! But it’s been over four years now, like I said, and... nothing. I think I’d cope a lot better if I didn’t have two young children this whole time who need a present father and holy example of a godly man. I still trust God and know He is sovereign and will take care of us all despite my husband may NEVER get his priorities in order. He doesn’t seem to prioritize his faith at all from where I’m sitting. But gets frustrated if I make any suggestions that he get close to God again, or take a walk (he also struggles with obesity and all kinds of insecurity that come with it), or play with the kids for more than 45 minutes, or find a counselor (ha!), or try to make new friends who’d be a better influence. To give God His more-than-due glory here, our marriage has improved significantly after we recently reunited after a short separation due to him being verbally/psychologically abusive... however, now that he’s back to playing his most addictive game, I feel scared we will revert to his old ways. I don’t get help around the house and so I’m constantly exhausted and feel I don’t have the time for our kids that they really deserve. I trust the Lord but I’m also horribly angry a lot, scared and frustrated, even though I love my husband and want what’s best for HIM, just as much as I want what’s best for him for myself and kids. So... does anyone have words of encouragement or tips or testimonials for my situation? I’d also be really interested in any books that may speak into this circumstance as well.
Thanks so much for reading. God bless.

Sounds to me he's a bit depressed and giving up. If so, bashing him will make it worse and make him more withdrawn.

His faith journey is between him and GOD, you cannot force that from your point of view.

You say you love your husband but you've come onto a public forum and said some pretty bad things about him. Backbiting and gossiping is never a good thing and as Christians we are to try and control our emotions and if we have nothing good to say about individuals it's best to say nothing at all.

I can understand you are frustrated with the situation you're in. I am not trying to bash you, by the way, it sounds difficult but I'm just trying to direct your thoughts and emotions into a more loving positive manner towards your husband. I would read Proverbs in your situation and try to remember how we are forgiven for our sins and how many times Christ told us we should forgive our brother, 7 X 70 I believe.

Peace be with you Sister, take care and I hope things work out for you and your family. My prayers are with you.

We no longer look to be served. We look to serve and give our lives for others. No longer fight for privilege, influence and status. We esteem others better than ourselves and put their interests above our own.

God from the beginning chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth

Peace be with all those in the body of Christ

 

[bèlla]

Alisa,

Welcome to the site. I hope your time is enjoyable and edifying.

First of all, I hear you. Your circumstances are difficult and it's understandable how frustration and anger arise within your heart. You long for a spouse who's engaged and leading the family with godly fervor and wisdom. When that's absent and the bulk of responsibility lands in your lap you feel cheated and overwhelmed. So what do you do?

Take your hands off the situation completely. Your husband's unhappiness and escapism are beyond natural approaches. You need a holy solution and intervention. Only the Lord can do it. You must channel your energy into prayer and maintaining an open heart that isn't hardened or argumentative. Don't allow strife or blame to seep into your spirit. Bitterness will follow. Forgive him and bless him when you do. That keeps the devil at bay.

I have a few resources to recommend. Some are written and another is interactive. You'll be able to connect with others experiencing the same. You have to be heard and reassured. That's equally important. Let's get on God's page.

Inspiration: Waiting for His Heart

This was incredibly good and convicting and I'm not married! I was laboring for someone's salvation and reaching my breaking point. The book fell in my lap. God has a sense of humor.

Encouragement: When He Doesn't Believe and Winning Him Without Words

When your partner is estranged from God it can feel like a spiritual mismatch and very lonely. You have a part of yourself you long to share and they're not interested. Oftentimes this inspires the believer to seek refuge in the church and Christian organizations through volunteering and serving to fill the void. But there's a better way.

Mindset: The Peaceful Wife, The Respect Dare, and The Love Dare Day by Day Devotional

If you want to stand for your marriage and family you have to get your head in gear. You can't war on his behalf if you harbor resentment and unforgiveness. Clearing your mind is a must.

Prayer: The Power of a Praying Wife, Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe, Prayers of an Excellent Wife, and Prayers that Avail Much

I've prayed through all of these and heartily recommend them. You'll find kinship in Stormie's story and Sharon's encouragement. The others are old school intercession that gets the job done. All of the books feature prayers comprised of scripture. That's how I pray. He hastens to His word.

But be aware, when you start praying all hell breaks loose. It will get worse for a time because Satan is mad! Don't waffle. Set your feet and keep going. You will feel the breakthrough in the spirit realm. I recommend fasting too and would do it once per week. This is a big stronghold and it requires different treatment. Elmer Townes has a wonderful resource on fasting. Don't forget the importance of seeking prayer from others. You can't do it alone.

Community: The Peaceful Wife is a good site. She posts frequently on Facebook and offers prayer and encouragement. The Mismatched and Thriving Community is great. It began on her site and I was part of it in the past. The members were really supportive.

I have a simple philosophy on relationships. It's my responsibility to love, pray, and serve as unto the Lord. But I don't want to get in His business. It's not my job to fix him.

You don't have to meet strife with your boxing gloves. When he stares at the screen oblivious to everyone around him and Satan drops a kernel of offense in your spirit. You've gotta cool your heels. Because you've got his number. Go tell your Daddy. Become a spiritual tattletale.

Sometimes you must play offense against yourself to get the victory. The devil doesn't come for an individual. He comes for a household. Stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord. God bless.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Junia]

Hi all! I’ve been married to a screen-addicted spouse for over four years now. He’s been addicted the whole time, and unwilling to own up to having any sort of problem the whole four years. Because of this, and coupled with pregnancy hormones, our first year of marriage was a disaster. But I eventually chalked it up to something God would take care of in His perfect timing. Eventually, through the Spirit, my husband would take the first step toward recovery by finally at least ADMITTING he had a problem! But it’s been over four years now, like I said, and... nothing. I think I’d cope a lot better if I didn’t have two young children this whole time who need a present father and holy example of a godly man. I still trust God and know He is sovereign and will take care of us all despite my husband may NEVER get his priorities in order. He doesn’t seem to prioritize his faith at all from where I’m sitting. But gets frustrated if I make any suggestions that he get close to God again, or take a walk (he also struggles with obesity and all kinds of insecurity that come with it), or play with the kids for more than 45 minutes, or find a counselor (ha!), or try to make new friends who’d be a better influence. To give God His more-than-due glory here, our marriage has improved significantly after we recently reunited after a short separation due to him being verbally/psychologically abusive... however, now that he’s back to playing his most addictive game, I feel scared we will revert to his old ways. I don’t get help around the house and so I’m constantly exhausted and feel I don’t have the time for our kids that they really deserve. I trust the Lord but I’m also horribly angry a lot, scared and frustrated, even though I love my husband and want what’s best for HIM, just as much as I want what’s best for him for myself and kids. So... does anyone have words of encouragement or tips or testimonials for my situation? I’d also be really interested in any books that may speak into this circumstance as well.
Thanks so much for reading. God bless.

You obviously.still want to be married to him as you have not divorced him. so you want the marriage to work. I will pray for healing of your marriage and an end to your husbands abuse.

Are their children involved? Are they getting any help for living with the after.effects of the abuse? E.g. Trauma counselling

 

[Junia]

There. Sorry

 

[Junia]

Looking back to my childhood, I had a father who was not very spiritual, but my mother had a strong spiritual focus. The fact that my father was absent spiritually, did not affect our knowledge of what it was to be a believer. To a certain extent, children are detached from their parents, at least that is how it was for me, we make our own pathway through life. It could be a lot worse, I know of situations where Christain's are married to unbelievers who are physically abusive continually. Look for the good in your husband, continually encourage him, encouragement, and acceptance is far better than finding the negatives. If you build him up, he will be a stronger person. Back to the spiritual side for a moment, that is one area that you will never have any control over, other than to pray and encourage him to join you in prayer from time to time, maybe you could arrange daily or weekly bible study, but don't expect him to take it, you take the lead.

I

Abuse is abuse though and effects of abuse are all horrific. However I agree with most of what you have said. My.issue would be if the children are witnessing abuse? do they witness it?? They may need some help dealing with it if they have. Complex PTSD from verbal and emotional abuse is very real

 

[Junia]

Alisa,

Welcome to the site. I hope your time is enjoyable and edifying.

First of all, I hear you. Your circumstances are difficult and it's understandable how frustration and anger arise within your heart. You long for a spouse who's engaged and leading the family with godly fervor and wisdom. When that's absent and the bulk of responsibility lands in your lap you feel cheated and overwhelmed. So what do you do?

Take your hands off the situation completely. Your husband's unhappiness and escapism are beyond natural approaches. You need a holy solution and intervention. Only the Lord can do it. You must channel your energy into prayer and maintaining an open heart that isn't hardened or argumentative. Don't allow strife or blame to seep into your spirit. Bitterness will follow. Forgive him and bless him when you do. That keeps the devil at bay.

I have a few resources to recommend. Some are written and another is interactive. You'll be able to connect with others experiencing the same. You have to be heard and reassured. That's equally important. Let's get on God's page.

Inspiration: Waiting for His Heart

This was incredibly good and convicting and I'm not married! I was laboring for someone's salvation and reaching my breaking point. The book fell in my lap. God has a sense of humor.

Encouragement: When He Doesn't Believe and Winning Him Without Words

When your partner is estranged from God it can feel like a spiritual mismatch and very lonely. You have a part of yourself you long to share and they're not interested. Oftentimes this inspires the believer to seek refuge in the church and Christian organizations through volunteering and serving to fill the void. But there's a better way.

Mindset: The Peaceful Wife, The Respect Dare, and The Love Dare Day by Day Devotional

If you want to stand for your marriage and family you have to get your head in gear. You can't war on his behalf if you harbor resentment and unforgiveness. Clearing your mind is a must.

Prayer: The Power of a Praying Wife, Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe, Prayers of an Excellent Wife, and Prayers that Avail Much

I've prayed through all of these and heartily recommend them. You'll find kinship in Stormie's story and Sharon's encouragement. The others are old school intercession that gets the job done. All of the books feature prayers comprised of scripture. That's how I pray. He hastens to His word.

But be aware, when you start praying all hell breaks loose. It will get worse for a time because Satan is mad! Don't waffle. Set your feet and keep going. You will feel the breakthrough in the spirit realm. I recommend fasting too and would do it once per week. This is a big stronghold and it requires different treatment. Elmer Townes has a wonderful resource on fasting. Don't forget the importance of seeking prayer from others. You can't do it alone.

Community: The Peaceful Wife is a good site. She posts frequently on Facebook and offers prayer and encouragement. The Mismatched and Thriving Community is great. It began on her site and I was part of it in the past. The members were really supportive.

I have a simple philosophy on relationships. It's my responsibility to love, pray, and serve as unto the Lord. But I don't want to get in His business. It's not my job to fix him.

You don't have to meet strife with your boxing gloves. When he stares at the screen oblivious to everyone around him and Satan drops a kernel of offense in your spirit. You've gotta cool your heels. Because you've got his number. Go tell your Daddy. Become a spiritual tattletale.

Sometimes you must play offense against yourself to get the victory. The devil doesn't come for an individual. He comes for a household. Stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord. God bless.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

I

I love your posts Bella

 

[bèlla]

I

I love your posts Bella

Thank you.

 

[Thomas White]

Hi all! I’ve been married to a screen-addicted spouse for over four years now. He’s been addicted the whole time, and unwilling to own up to having any sort of problem the whole four years. Because of this, and coupled with pregnancy hormones, our first year of marriage was a disaster. But I eventually chalked it up to something God would take care of in His perfect timing. Eventually, through the Spirit, my husband would take the first step toward recovery by finally at least ADMITTING he had a problem! But it’s been over four years now, like I said, and... nothing. I think I’d cope a lot better if I didn’t have two young children this whole time who need a present father and holy example of a godly man. I still trust God and know He is sovereign and will take care of us all despite my husband may NEVER get his priorities in order. He doesn’t seem to prioritize his faith at all from where I’m sitting. But gets frustrated if I make any suggestions that he get close to God again, or take a walk (he also struggles with obesity and all kinds of insecurity that come with it), or play with the kids for more than 45 minutes, or find a counselor (ha!), or try to make new friends who’d be a better influence. To give God His more-than-due glory here, our marriage has improved significantly after we recently reunited after a short separation due to him being verbally/psychologically abusive... however, now that he’s back to playing his most addictive game, I feel scared we will revert to his old ways. I don’t get help around the house and so I’m constantly exhausted and feel I don’t have the time for our kids that they really deserve. I trust the Lord but I’m also horribly angry a lot, scared and frustrated, even though I love my husband and want what’s best for HIM, just as much as I want what’s best for him for myself and kids. So... does anyone have words of encouragement or tips or testimonials for my situation? I’d also be really interested in any books that may speak into this circumstance as well.
Thanks so much for reading. God bless.

Don't hide it. If you don't get it out there, it will just fester and create more resentment. I was your husband. My wife tried to hint at it, but I ignored it, thinking the problem would go away because she wasn't mentioning it. I was wrong. My wife finally just had enough and told me everything. She didn't hold anything back. She didn't want to lose me, and I didn't want to lose her. I changed. He can too, but you have to put it all out there first. Pray. Then trust in God to protect and keep you.

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi.

I'd encourage you to post for free advice on marraigebuilders.com Dr. Harley at that site has a background in addictions counseling and also has the **best** commonsense plan for marriage recovery. The forums are staffed by volunteers who have recovered their own marriages from affairs (which are a kind of addiction) or other poor behaviors using his system. That site was invaluable to me when I needed to learn how to set boundaries in my marriage, and how to stand firm when the boundaries weren't honored.

If you keep trying to tough this out you will lose the love that is in your heart for your husband. For your marriage, it's very important that you take steps now to protect your marriage and your kids' intact home.

((Hugs))

 

[Anthony2019]

Hi Alisa and a warm welcome to the forums.
Hope you will get some helpful responses to your post.
God bless you.