Move or stay

[Star Dancer]

I have been looking thru the old threads trying to find discussions about the decision to stay in the home we love, or to move to a smaller place somewhere else. I have no family, it was me and my dear against the world, so without him there are no ties except the emotional ones. So I am wondering what other widows/widowers have done, the reality is I am not getting any younger, and when things break you tube helps, but I just can't do it all. Yet my heart wants to stay. I have prayed about this and I keep hearing wait, not yet, but then I am not sure if it's an answer or just my heart not wanting to hear.
I am wondering what others have done, and how difficult a process it was.
Blessings to all

 

[teresa]

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[Star Dancer]

Thank you spice. Yes I know it is my decision. that no one can make it for me and I hope that my post didn't imply that I was.

 

[bill5]

Whatever you do, don't rush into anything on an emotional decision (it doesn't sound like you would, but worth throwing out there). I would not do it for at least about a year or so afterwards. Give yourself some time to regroup (at least somewhat). As u2 said, only you can really know, of course, and if unsure, err on the side of staying. It's far (far) easier to delay and then move vs moving and realizing, oh (bleep) maybe I shouldn't have. g/l and I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[blackribbon]

It took me about a year to realize that he didn't live in our house anymore and that it was "just a house". I think the best thing I did is move. I moved to where I knew no one and started over. I needed to escape the expectations of those around me who didn't realize that I was a different person after he died. I also needed to escape the daily memories that would overwhelm me and derail me in places that I still had to frequent...like the grocery store or driving the bridge over his favorite fishing hole. I don't know that everyone needs to be as drastic as I needed, but I do think that moving is a good idea if you feel drawn that direction.

The best advice I received when I was crying as I was trying to pack up our house and decide what to keep and what to get rid of was ..... it is okay to keep memories memory-sized ... meaning that the memories aren't really part of the things we cling to, the memories will stay without the object that weighs us down.

When my kids eventually leave home for good, I will be to try and get my precious belongings down to U-haul trailer size so I am never again tied to house. However, that is just me...

I also think I stayed too long because I now kind of hate that house because it was too hard to live in alone.

 

[mnphysicist]

The best advice I received when I was crying as I was trying to pack up our house and decide what to keep and what to get rid of was ..... it is okay to keep memories memory-sized ... meaning that the memories aren't really part of the things we cling to, the memories will stay without the object that weighs us down.

This ^ is a huge thing... and something I needed to hear this week. In general, my brain fog and periods of crashing and burning have pretty much ended, but squaring up her stuff is pretty massive undertaking. Splitting off the memories makes a ton of sense. I've had some spontaneous regrets over some items I've sold off, ie was it the really right thing to do, and in light of the above, the answer is a wholeheartedly yes. Thank you big time

I also think I stayed too long because I now kind of hate that house because it was too hard to live in alone.

This sort of thing can serve to corrupt ones memories. I already see some of it starting to play out... Certainly one doesn't want to do things while still in brain fog land, but I think once lightbulbs start coming on that a possession, whether it be something small, or something as major as a house starts to weigh us down, its probably a good sign to start moving forward. For sure, house stuff can be a hassle, and likely all of us grumble about this or that, but if the grumbling gets to be more than over trivial stuff, such might well be pointing towards a decision point.