Motivation/Go-Getter Mentality

[JRSut1000]

Do you and your spouse have the same level of motivation when it comes to life goals (whether major or minor)? Do you find your spouse is much more motivated than the other when it comes to these things? What do you do if you have the spouse who lacks motivation or planning or the 'get-it-done' mentality? Do you try to motivate your spouse or do you go ahead and get those things done and plan for the future and make decisions if your spouse isnt that motivated or procrastinates?

Ideally both spouses should have the same or similar goals in life and work on a plan (such as financial planning/budgeting, keeping up with the major household responsibilities, giving back to the community, etc), but I'm sure this isnt always the case. I guess I want to see just how common it is for the 'motivation levels' to be vastly different. How do you deal with it if your spouse isnt a go-getter when it comes to these things?

 

[Romanseight2005]

You know, these things have ebbed and flowed. Through the years each of us has had changing motivations towards things, neither of us is stagnant in this, if that makes sense.

 

[JRSut1000]

Do you feel over the years despite ebbs and flows, you as a couple have reached or at least are working towards your goals successfully? You said you guys havent remained stagnant, what does that mean?

 

[JRSut1000]

I feel in some ways we are stagnant and without purpose in a sense. We arent really planning other than putting away some money here and there in savings (of which we dip into frequently). But I want to start paying more off on our mortgage more, maybe start investing wisely, maybe consider one of us taking some online courses to better ourselves, in some way giving back to the community, or giving to Israel, or to the poor (we only have one current receiver of giving). It just doesnt seem like as a couple/family we are investing much of our time and resources to our future and into the lives of others. But everytime I discuss these things with DH, there is a reason not to do these things. I dont know, I think that as Christians we should be expanding ourselves for the future of our family and for the benefit of the Kingdom. But it feels life is just a 'now' thing, we arent really doing much with our lives. We buy our groceries, we're on a set 2x month mortgage/car payments, we go to a small group for fellowship but even thats new right now, DH spends time in his garden buying plants and tendng to the ones he already has, and I take lots of photos cuz photography is my hobby, our best moments are spent in prayer/reading the Word together. But beyond this, this is about the extent of our lives. I feel its not enough or that we arent growing if you know what I mean. Does this make sense? I guess I am feeling the yearning for our lives to count for more than this, to make a difference in the world and in the difference of our future for our children and their children.

I want to be that Proverbs 31 woman. I'm not striving for perfection, but I am yearning for wisdom in how to make decisions for my family while at the same time not usurping the respect I have for my husband, but rather being a positive asset and helpmeet to him and for the sake of our family and the sake of the Kingdom.

 

[MessianicMommy]

I'm the go-getter, DH is the "ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... it'll eventually get done, probably not by me" person.

I'm an INTJ/INFJ (Sometimes more T, mostly more F) and DH is an ISFP/ESFP (more E than I but sometimes more I)

 

[Puptart]

My husband and I have similar levels of lack-of-motivation.. that's the same thing right?

I'm more motivated than he is by far. I do all the budgeting and I dole out the housework (he's very helpful but you just have to assign him tasks, then he's good to go in a timely manner) and typically plan outings and such. He has the philosphy "happy wife, happy life" (which isn't a bad thing) and he knows if things aren't done a certain way that it impacts my anxiety disorder, so he basically takes direction and I go with my motivation to get things done.

By nature, we're both not really motivated people.. we're procrastinators, and let me tell you there's nothing better than being married to another procrastinator, I love it. Because he just understands But when it's time to get things done (you know.. eventually ), I'm definitely the motivated one.

We don't volunteer or give to a lot of charities (mostly I give to the SPCA when I have the funds to do so), it's not quite frankly in our personalities and/or budgets to do so. As for saving money for the future, we both have similar goals for what we'd like to see happen but yet we both agree we're more interested with what we can do or have now rather than tomorrow, so we sort of fall onto the procrastinator's page on that note

I think some people would look at us and call us stagnant, but we look at us and call ourselves content. And I'm ok with that. That's all I can ask for out of life.

 

[JRSut1000]

I've never been a go-getter and I've always been a procrastinator, indecisive, and hesitator. But that's not what I want to be anymore, I truly believe Im created to be more than this - to be excellent in all I do and all I decide. It means praying for wisdom and acting upon that wisdom (however I receive it). Yeah, its easier for me and DH to just let things go and do whatever, but its not a satisfying content way of life anymore. I'd like to start being more proactive in my life's purposes (in being a wife and a mother and christian). But Im not exactly sure how or what steps I need to be doing...

 

[Puptart]

If you're not content with the way things are then by all means make changes you feel are suitable. But those "next steps" that you aren't sure of, those are entirely up to you. It's something you need to figure out for yourself, because not everyone's steps will be the same and only you understand the ways in which you are not content with life and/or yourself.

 

[mkgal1]

I've never been a go-getter and I've always been a procrastinator, indecisive, and hesitator. But that's not what I want to be anymore, I truly believe Im created to be more than this - to be excellent in all I do and all I decide. It means praying for wisdom and acting upon that wisdom (however I receive it). Yeah, its easier for me and DH to just let things go and do whatever, but its not a satisfying content way of life anymore. I'd like to start being more proactive in my life's purposes (in being a wife and a mother and christian). But Im not exactly sure how or what steps I need to be doing...

One of my favorite books actually *became* one of my favorite books because of me having this same feeling for quite some time----this, "I believe I'm created for more than this" feeling.

It may not have the same affect on you, but the title is "Nine Things You Simply Must Do". Here is the link:



As to how this all applies to marriage? I think a couple should have one general "goal" .....purpose.....or motivation. I wish I could put my hands on this one article I had read awhile ago (I'll keep looking). It was a personal testimony of a couple that had vowed to always be in unison (not uniFORM....but, working together---using BOTH of their talents/gifts/creativity and God's leading). IMO.....that's one of the most profound ways that God is glorified.....when "tapestries" are created by HIs "weaving" together lives for His purpose.

 

[JRSut1000]

Thank you for the book information/link mkgal! I reviewed it a bit (looked at a summary) and it does sound fascinating. I guess my big question is, when someone is married there is another spouse to think about, not just one's own ambitions. It becomes a matter of using one's ambition for the betterment of the marriage or family as a whole and I'm not sure what the best way to go about that is. For instance, should I just go ahead and make decisions or do I wait until DH is on board?

 

[Puptart]

If there was something I wanted to do but my husband wasn't on board, I'd just make decisions.. for me. Obviously I would never impose something on my husband. Though two people are married, they do not lose their independent identities. If you want to do these things "with" your husband, you should really be on the same page. Just making decisions and dragging him along for the ride probably won't give you the growth you seem to be seeking. It will just be hollow.

There's nothing wrong with branching out and doing your own thing for your personal betterment, not to mention doing so could inspire others around you anyway which would be a positive thing. What's more is that you both don't need to be doing the exact same things to get the most out of life.

Have you talked to your husband about all this already? What were his thoughts?

 

[JRSut1000]

In a marriage theres a lot that isnt 'just me' or 'just you' such as finances. It's not MY money and YOUR money, its OUr money.

 

[OnlyBelieve]

When I decide to do something that requires both inputs, I put it all together (especailly with money stuff) then I sit down with hubby and do a run through, then ask him, "do you agree with this", "would you be happy with this outcome" etc....so he knows whats going on,and he can offer any suggestions on how to do it "better/wiser", WHY we are doing something(the goal) and How we are doing it.
We are both motivated people, ideas people, so bounching our ideas off each other is common place in our relationship. We rarely get upset if the other doesn't like our idea, we explain our view and usually agree in the long run...

 

[Puptart]

In a marriage theres a lot that isnt 'just me' or 'just you' such as finances. It's not MY money and YOUR money, its OUr money.

But you're not talking about money.. you're talking about something else, which so far remains vague at best, so I'm doing my best to pose questions and statements

Or ARE you talking about money, I have no idea really.. you haven't really said what it is you're getting at so I'm beyond confused. You're stagnant.. you want to grow.. and you never answered my question if you brought all this up with your husband and what he had to say about it.. so I'm lost

 

[mkgal1]

Thank you for the book information/link mkgal! I reviewed it a bit (looked at a summary) and it does sound fascinating. I guess my big question is, when someone is married there is another spouse to think about, not just one's own ambitions. It becomes a matter of using one's ambition for the betterment of the marriage or family as a whole and I'm not sure what the best way to go about that is. For instance, should I just go ahead and make decisions or do I wait until DH is on board?

I know what you're saying (I think I do, anyway)....and that was sort of holding me back for quite some time. I felt I needed my husband to be "on board" with wanting the same changes I did---and that may never happen. I felt as if me "forging ahead" was sort of like pulling off in another direction (I picture oxen as the illustration).

In the same way, though.....a spouse's lack of interest in making changes can be like holding the other spouse back (pulling in another direction) from growing and being who God wants them to be (and by "changes"....I mainly mean growth---not up and moving across the country---more like, "THIS (insert something like "sincerity"--something that really benefits everyone involved) is going to be a priority in my relationships". So....the way I reconciled it was to choose what's best for all involved---and to me, that seemed to be the choice of moving towards what I felt is best for everyone. This book helped clear all that up as well.....Dr. Cloud sort of confirmed what I had been sensing.

 

[mkgal1]

In a marriage theres a lot that isnt 'just me' or 'just you' such as finances. It's not MY money and YOUR money, its OUr money.

I guess I was making the assumption that you weren't talking about finances as much as personal growth. I'm confused too, then.

 

[Avniel]

My wife is my motivation her encouragement keeps me going in many things. When im down she's the only person that Christ can use to reach me. I've been through a lot and she makes it ok. She is my best friend and i feed of her.

 

[mkgal1]

I found that article about unity. Here you go

Through the years, that has been our guiding principle...we choose us. Whether it is work, play, in-laws,or ministry related issues, if there is any opportunity that surfaces in our lives that would threaten our unity as a couple, that would seek to divide or separate...we choose us.​

 

[SilkRainn]

Not at all equal.

My wife wanted to be a good wife and mother. Both of those are very easy things with her personality. If money(security) was no issue, she could have done this in her teens. We don't have a baby yet, so she does not have much pressure on her. I'm focused on my career and saving up for a child. These are easy with my personality, but they take time to build up.

I'm more stressed than she is, but still more relaxed than most with my responsibilities.

I think a lot of couples stress over money. I bring home the bacon and deal with all money issues alone. That said, I still see it as "our" money and my wife spends a lot of it. In general, I think couples who keep separate accounts and argue about their expenditures being equal to their earning power stress out over it frequently.

 

[JRSut1000]

Sorry for the confusion ya'lls. I am talking both about personal growth as well as making good decisions for the family and yes finances is included. Mkgal, you hit the nail on the head in your one post, thanks so much! Puptart, sorry to confuse ya, I know I was vague cuz its hard just to pinpoint and say 'its only this or that'. My husband IS the income provider (I have an inheritance from my grandfather, thats my 'lot'), so yes money for the most part is 'ours' and Im cool with that. But like I said, I dont feel like we're really planning for the future financially. So I'm considering having a local bank account, I will put my money (whats actually given to me) in savings and then I was thinking about setting aside money every few weeks/months for future planning purposes only (saving, paying off mortgage, investing, etc), not for a new dress or couch or something.

I just couldnt sleep thinking about so many things, so I woke up at 4:30 got a shower, did some cleaning up and more thinking. I wrote myself a list of things I'd like to accomplish in the near future, little things such as calling Salvation Army to come pick up stuff I know we dont need (stuff obviously my hubby wont mind getting rid of either), changing old bulbs from lamps we just havent gotten around to, going through boxes of baby clothes and keeping only what I really like, and selling/donating the rest, etc. Just even things like this makes me feel i'm accomplishing something by keeping life for us more simple and organized.

And yes, mkgal, it does feel in some ways like Im pulling away but in some ways I feel pushed (in a GOOD way) to be that Proverbs 31 wife who does her best to make wise choices for her family whether its 'getting up eary' to do chores when I have the energy, or 'considering a field and buying it' (financial decisions/investments/savings/etc), or just keeping on top of household matters from dirty sinks to changing lightbulbs to working on planning for the future. This IS part of my calling as a wife, right? But what if DH doesnt see it this way, and this is where the anxiety comes into play...

As a note, I used to be totally against separate bank accounts, but since DH earns most of the money I dont see it ever becoming a power struggle. I simply want an account of my own 1) to put in the money that was given to me and 2) to put aside some from our main account for the purposes of saving/planning (not selfish reasons).