Mother troubles

[Galadriel]

Hey all,
Well, this has been bugging me for some time, and I wanted to ask Christians about this. I know what my not very Christian family says, lol. Anyways, well some back story so you get an idea of my predicament.
See, my mom left my dad about 6 years ago, and I haven't seen her in 5 years, but I talk to her on the phone about 3 times a week. She has trouble with anxiety, and has been in and out of mental institutions and hospitals for much of my life, and suffers also from bi-polar and manic depression.
Well, everytime I talk to her, there is always some "crisis" that she needs me to pray for, she does get a lot of support from my dad, in fact she only works a little. But she always wants me to pray "very very hard" cause she "really really needs it" and she practically begs me. I feel as though I am being manipulated in some non-overt way. I mean, I want to give her support, but it also gets to a point where I feel like she's almost using prayer as a crutch if that makes any sense. I don't know, I may be way off on this. I have tried explaining it to her about how I feel, but she always counters with "yeah, but I really need it, and this time is special" and "you're my sweet thing I can always count on you" and "you're my darling angel." I HATE it!! She acts like a 5 year old a lot, I mean she is in her 40's going on 50's, and I just don't quite know how to word it to her or get it across. She doesn't really listen. She says "do you think it'll be ok?" and just seems to want tons of reassurance that doesn't stick anyways. My brother is mean to her sometimes, he yells at her and tells her to grow up, and I think he's right in a way, but I want to help her, but not be manipulated. Geez...

 

[Galadriel]

Btw when I say "support from my dad" I mean money support, he hardly talks to her ever.

 

[cyberwing]

Dear Galadriel,
Poor lamb! Yet another child having to be more mature than a parent.... I wonder if, in giving in to her are you HURTING her or ENABLING her to stay sick?? Sometimes we can keep people from 'maturing' in their walk if we always come to the rescue. That doesn't equate to being unkind to her, I know you won't. Pray for her and then put the whole thing in Jesus hands. Go to Him Galadriel and tell Him what you feel, HE is the best friend you can ever have and HE knows what you are going through.
If you just need a sounding board feel free to PM. Not that I have the answers, I don't, HE does! May Jesus bless you abundantly!
{{{big cyber-hug}}}
DJ

 

[Galadriel]

Thanks Cyberwing Yes, I am not sure if it would hurt her, or if its enabling her, and if it is enabling her I wonder how I should go about letting her down?

 

[water_ripple]

Galadriel:

My mother is somewhat similar. She has been fighting depression and anxiety for years now. My parents were divorced when I was very young, and she remarried 6 months later. My father and her did not have a good relationship at all, and she still is upset about their relationship. She has never been happy with my step-father either and has left and come back about six times. She says that he makes her miserable, and is constantly seeking my approval about the things she does. My stepdad moved out of the woods and into town to try and make her happy per her request. She wasn't happy there either. She met a guy and began talking to him, and my stepdad found out. I was caught in the middle b/c she always talked to me about it. My stepdad was crushed and came to me crying on my shoulder. The guilt of me knowing about it ate me alive. Well, he's decided to move back into the woods, and at first she was happy b/c he was building a new house. Now she is upset and doesn't want to go there. She keeps asking what should I do? What should I do? I'm like mom I love you, but I cannot solve your problems for you or tell you how to live your life. I say your my mom I should be asking you, and she says I know. I still listen to her problems b/c I love her, and so she has somebody to talk to. I have told her to seek help, and she has in the past. But, whenever the psychatrist starts to say they want to institutionalize her and regulate her medicine (she often suddenly decides to stop taking it one day and her body crashes making a horrible low) she decides to stop seeing the doctor. She tells her medical doctor she just needs some pills to help her relax. The medical doctor has since stopped giving her medicine and told her to seek help.

I advise her to seek help, but she now refuses. She is worried about what others will think of her. I advise her to seek marriage counseling, but she says my stepdad will not go. Whenever I have difficulty in my life she tells me to go to church, (I prefer bible study in and out of church) but she does not see it relevant to herself I guess. At this point I really don't know what to do. I listen to her, but I no longer give advice. I try to make her smile; sometimes it works. She's never asked me to pray for her, but sometimes I do. I try and help her when I can, but it is too draining trying to run my life and run hers as well. Unfortunately, sometimes I have run her life for her, and now she wishes that somebody could just make it all go away. If I could I would.

 

[Galadriel]

Hey Water Ripple,
Yes it does seem we are in somewhat similar situacions to a degree. It is hard isn't it? You feel caught in the middle, even when you are older. See my dad is engaged to another lady, and they are planning to get married next fall, but my mom doesn't even know about it, and occassionally she asks, "so where's your dad?" and I feel horrible having to lie and say he's at the store or something or still at work when he is really over at her house for the night. I wish he would just tell her. She doesn't have anyone yet, though she's been close to sometimes. I know what you mean about feeling like you're running 2 lives sometimes.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow. Are you like, my long lost sister?
I know what you mean. Sometimes mom can get pretty crazy. But she's still mom. She put up with raising me. So I owe her for that one. But yeah, I know how you feel though.

 

[Galadriel]

Wow. Are you like, my long lost sister?
I know what you mean. Sometimes mom can get pretty crazy. But she's still mom. She put up with raising me. So I owe her for that one. But yeah, I know how you feel though.

Lol, yes? How so Mr. Cheese? How do you deal with your mom?

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

It's possible that the manipulation you're picking up on is actually fear that your mother is losing you. She hasn't seen you for 5 years-she knows she isn't well enough to take care of you, but she still needs to know you love her. Maybe because of her illness or else because of a lack of knowledge on how to build and maintain relationships, the only way she knows how to keep you in her life is to have a very important need.

If you think this may be the case, maybe you can show her how to ask questions, show concern for others, and keep the depression under wraps long enough to carry on a conversation. Teach her how to show interest in the lives of others and maybe agree to see her once in a while if it is possible.

I'm really sorry-you shouldn't have to be the one teaching her these things and it's probably very painful. It would be so much nicer if she could be a Mom to you. But since she's sick, this may be a way to get back whatever is possible of your relationship, and decrease the panic in those phone calls.

Blessings to you

 

[Galadriel]

It's possible that the manipulation you're picking up on is actually fear that your mother is losing you. She hasn't seen you for 5 years-she knows she isn't well enough to take care of you, but she still needs to know you love her. Maybe because of her illness or else because of a lack of knowledge on how to build and maintain relationships, the only way she knows how to keep you in her life is to have a very important need.

If you think this may be the case, maybe you can show her how to ask questions, show concern for others, and keep the depression under wraps long enough to carry on a conversation. Teach her how to show interest in the lives of others and maybe agree to see her once in a while if it is possible.

I'm really sorry-you shouldn't have to be the one teaching her these things and it's probably very painful. It would be so much nicer if she could be a Mom to you. But since she's sick, this may be a way to get back whatever is possible of your relationship, and decrease the panic in those phone calls.

Blessings to you

Hello White Horse,
That very well could be it, why I feel she is being somewhat manipulative. She does talk to me as though I am still a little girl sometimes, just the tone of her voice when she says things like "how was school?" it makes her sound like she is talking to a 5 year old, not a 20 year old, and this does irritate me, but I am not sure how to get her to stop. I think she may be trying to hang on to the "little girl" me, I don't know. She does ask me a ton about my day, sometimes she wants to know every little detail, and that does get annoying. I get frustrated with myself because I am not sure how to deal with this, and sometimes I don't even want to talk to her, but I do feel bad about it. I guess I bounce back and forth between feeling disgusted and angry with her to feeling loving and kind towards her, but I always try to be nice on the phone.
Thank you for trying to help.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Hello White Horse,
That very well could be it, why I feel she is being somewhat manipulative. She does talk to me as though I am still a little girl sometimes, just the tone of her voice when she says things like "how was school?" it makes her sound like she is talking to a 5 year old, not a 20 year old, and this does irritate me, but I am not sure how to get her to stop. I think she may be trying to hang on to the "little girl" me, I don't know. She does ask me a ton about my day, sometimes she wants to know every little detail, and that does get annoying. I get frustrated with myself because I am not sure how to deal with this, and sometimes I don't even want to talk to her, but I do feel bad about it. I guess I bounce back and forth between feeling disgusted and angry with her to feeling loving and kind towards her, but I always try to be nice on the phone.
Thank you for trying to help.

Exactly-she isn't in control of her circumstances. So the way she tries to feel in better control is to make you into what she needs you to be. If you're a little girl, you can't grow up and leave her. And I have a gut feeling it's going to hurt her when your Dad gets married-another thing she may be trying to hold onto. It's really sad. She's losing something because of a sickness she can't conquer, and it's driving her family away. She may be asking you questions, but she isn't truly relating to you if she isn't asking them out of true acknowledgement of who you are. But maybe this can be fixed over time.

Blessings to you.

 

[water_ripple]

Galadriel:


Whitehorse: Your kindness and empathy are blessings

 

[Galadriel]

Exactly-she isn't in control of her circumstances. So the way she tries to feel in better control is to make you into what she needs you to be. If you're a little girl, you can't grow up and leave her. And I have a gut feeling it's going to hurt her when your Dad gets married-another thing she may be trying to hold onto. It's really sad. She's losing something because of a sickness she can't conquer, and it's driving her family away. She may be asking you questions, but she isn't truly relating to you if she isn't asking them out of true acknowledgement of who you are. But maybe this can be fixed over time.

Blessings to you.

Boy WhiteHorse, lol, are you a psychologist? Thank you very much for responding. It does seem it is the way she acts in part due to her illness that drives everyone away. I know my brother can be quite mean to her, saying that shes just being ridiculous and shes not really sick but just being like this, and I am not sure that is necessarily true. I am not sure what she does cause she is sick, or what she does just because it is really her, I don't think I will ever know that, but I do know it can be really hard when people shun you because you are really having a problem that you can't control and they feel that you are just being silly. My dad and brother can be very uncaring that way.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Water Ripple, thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I love reading your posts.

Galadriel, Yes, It's true. It's hard to understand something so foreign from our own experiences. Your brother may be viewing this situation with his life coping mechanisms perfectly in tact, so he probably filters you mom's behavior through the lens of his own experience, by what that behavior would mean coming from a healthy person. Your mom doesn't have her coping mechanisms in tact, and she's trying to make up for it in ways that are counterproductive. I think she feels she needs you, but isn't sure of how to establish that without controlling you. And I think this could be even contributing to her illness.

Has she seen a medical doctor, other than the psychiatrist? Many times it isn't just an imbalance in the brain that can cause this. Even food allergies can contribute, odd as that may sound. It's a good idea to hit it from both angles, and maybe guide her into better ways of coping.

 

[Galadriel]

Water Ripple, thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I love reading your posts.

Galadriel, Yes, It's true. It's hard to understand something so foreign from our own experiences. Your brother may be viewing this situation with his life coping mechanisms perfectly in tact, so he probably filters you mom's behavior through the lens of his own experience, by what that behavior would mean coming from a healthy person. Your mom doesn't have her coping mechanisms in tact, and she's trying to make up for it in ways that are counterproductive. I think she feels she needs you, but isn't sure of how to establish that without controlling you. And I think this could be even contributing to her illness.

Has she seen a medical doctor, other than the psychiatrist? Many times it isn't just an imbalance in the brain that can cause this. Even food allergies can contribute, odd as that may sound. It's a good idea to hit it from both angles, and maybe guide her into better ways of coping.

Hello Whitehorse, yes, she has been to several psychiatrists and has definately seen doctors, being in institutions they tend to really monitor you and your progress. It is only recently that she has gotten out from under the "wing" of a facility like that. I agree that it is very hard for a person to understand where one is coming from when they have never had to deal with those types of problems and it is totally foreign to them, and sometimes the person can be cruel in this towards the one with the problem. I think I am probably the closest in the family to understand where she is coming from, as I tend to be somewhat like her, I tend to worry and stress over things, but I do not have the disorders she does, so I am definately better able to cope than she, but I do feel sympathy for her and where she is coming from.

Here Waterripple! and Whitehorse!

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Actually I was referring to your brother. Blessings to you, and I wish you success in dealing with it.

Take care.

 

[Galadriel]

Actually I was referring to your brother. Blessings to you, and I wish you success in dealing with it.

Take care.

Yes, I know, I was just saying my mother and he are not of like tempermant, and I know that this can cause him to be non-understanding towards her.

I agree that it is very hard for a person to understand where one is coming from when they have never had to deal with those types of problems and it is totally foreign to them, and sometimes the person can be cruel in this towards the one with the problem.

I probably should have reffered to "he" as in my brother, this was reffering to him and his attitued towards her.

I talk to her tomorrow, and I shall try the method you suggest, of asking her questions like that.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Yes, I was referring to his attitude toward her. Just shedding some light on the situation.

 

[Galadriel]

Thank you for your response.

Called her today, she asked me (about an interview she's going to have) "do you think I can do it?" so I asked, "do you think you can do it?" she was just like "I don't know." But, the questioning her may work better with other situacions.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]